Darkness Shadows Light 2

Chapter Two - Have No Fear Of Perfection - You\'ll Never Reach It

Snape gave his usual talk to his first year Slytherins, uncomfortably aware that whilst his son’s and his son’s best friend’s eyes were on him. Most of the others had their eyes on Matthew. This was one of the many reasons that he had not wished Matthew to grace his house. He just knew they were trying to figure out the best way to use him in his unusual position as their head of house’s only child. He decided to put a stop to that train of thought immediately.

‘I would like to make it clear that whilst I may be inclined to favour my own house which is only natural, each member of Slytherin is treated equally,’ he said in his silkily smooth voice. ‘There is no favouritism among us.’

He watched as Matthew flushed when he realised that this was not part of the normal greeting. He gave the rest of the students a hard look and saw his words had sunk in. He hoped he hadn’t just made life harder for Matthew.

Since tomorrow was a school day, the students slowly left the common room after Snape finished his greeting. Snape saw his son hanging back. He went over to him. ‘I assume you would like to see your dad before bed?’ he said softly. Matthew’s face lit up.
‘Yes please! I’ve missed him…I’ve missed both of you…this summer.’

‘Come on,’ he said. ‘But don’t think this will become a habit. You’ll be treated exactly the same as any other student here.’
Matthew smiled. He knew through the stern tones that his father didn’t really mean it. The one thing his parents always agreed on was their devoted affection for their son. Matthew’s smile faded a little as he thought how they had practically ignored each other throughout the feast. He knew that it wouldn’t be suitable to be openly affectionate in front of the students. However, it had seemed as if they couldn’t even be civil to each other.

He quickly followed Snape to the quarters they shared on the first floor. They had lived there as long as Matthew could remember. They also had chambers in the dungeons where his Papa had lived before they had moved in together. The dungeon chambers were used when one or the other was working on a potion that couldn’t be left through the night.

He was slightly taken aback when Snape knocked on the door rather than going straight in. He didn’t even want to think about what that meant! He entered into his familiar chambers and saw Harry, green eyes sparkling and holding out his arms. Matthew threw himself at his father and found himself in a tight embrace.

‘I’ve missed you, Dad,’ he said in a muffled voice, tears threatening.

‘I’ve missed you too, sweetheart,’ Harry replied, tears of his own threatening. After a long moment they finally separated.
‘You’re not upset that I’ve been sorted into Slytherin?’ Matthew asked tentatively.

‘Of course not!’ Harry replied, instantly reassuring his son. ‘There’s nothing wrong with Slytherin, most of them are very clever and…ambitious.’

‘I don’t think Uncle Sirius will see it that way.’ Matthew replied solemnly. ‘He’s going to be really upset when he hears about Ashanti.’

‘Yes, that was a bit of a shock to us all,’ admitted Harry with a faint, slightly worried, smile. ‘I’m sure Sirius will be fine about it…eventually. After all, he and your Papa used to fight all the time at school. Now, they get on fine.’ Harry firmly ignored the slight snort in the background. He bent down to whisper in his son’s ear. ‘I’ll let you into a little secret. I almost got sorted into Slytherin as well!’

Matthew gasped and stared at Harry in disbelief. To him, Harry had always been the quintessential Gryffindor: brave, noble and clever (and also stupidly unaware of their own mortality according to his Papa).

‘How did you get out of it?’

Harry looked a little embarrassed.

‘I begged the Sorting Hat not to put me in Slytherin,’ he admitted reluctantly.

‘Then how can you say you don’t mind me being in Slytherin when you didn’t want to be one yourself?’ asked Matthew, looking upset.

‘It wasn’t like that,’ Harry said quickly. ‘My reason was I’d met this boy, Draco Malfoy, who had just been sorted in to Slytherin. I really didn’t like him, so I didn’t want to be in the same House as him.’

‘Oh,’ said Matthew, slightly mollified. Then he asked curiously, ‘so what happened to him?’

‘Draco? Well his father’s in Azkaban now and most of his family’s fortune was seized by the Ministry. He wasn’t there the day we killed Voldemort and nothing was ever proved against him. I haven’t a clue where he is now.’ Harry looked to Snape.

‘He’s in New Zealand,’ Snape said. ‘Working for an import/export company.’

‘How do you know that?’ asked his son in surprise.

‘I like to keep track of my ex-students,’ he replied blithely. More truthfully he liked to know exactly what any potential enemies were up to – and planning. Draco Malfoy, however, seemed to be quite happy out of his father’s shadow. He appeared to be determined to prove himself not to be a Death Eater.

‘So, anyway, did you have fun with Aunt Hermione and Uncle Sirius this summer?’ Harry asked.

‘Yeah, we had a great time,’ Matthew replied. ‘Did you two have a nice holiday?’ He was just quick enough to catch the unsettled glance between his parents.

‘It was fine,’ Harry said quickly. With more feeling, he continued ‘I’ve nearly finished my new book!’

Matthew frowned. ‘I thought the idea of you two going away together was to forget about work.’

Harry froze, unable to think what to say and cursed himself for his thoughtless words. The last thing he needed Matthew to know was that they had not spent a single moment of the holidays together.

‘You know it’s impossible to keep your dad totally away from his writing,’ Snape said smoothly, eliciting a thankful look from Harry.
‘I guess so,’ replied Matthew uncertainly. He knew something was going on that they weren’t telling him about.

For a few minutes they talked about general things and Matthew finally started to feel he was home again.

‘You’d better be getting back to your dormitory,’ Snape said. ‘If you get caught by Filch, you’re on your own!’

Matthew nodded and laughed. He knew the castle like the back of his hand and also had established a firm friendship with Mrs Norris II (Sadly, Mrs Norris I had died of old age five years before). The chances of him getting caught were little to none.

‘I’ll do my best,’ he promised solemnly with a twinkle in his eye. Giving each father a goodbye hug and peck on the cheek, he headed back to the Slytherin rooms.

As soon as he shut the door a distinct change came to the quarters. The smiles faded from both faces and the coolness between them was tangible.

‘We’re going to have to tell him,’ Harry said, shaking his head. ‘He’s too smart. He’s going to work it out otherwise.’
‘So, is that it then?’ Snape asked roughly. ‘Have you decided this the end for us?’

Harry looked at his husband helplessly. ‘I’m not saying that,’ he protested. ‘I don’t know what I wan the the moment.’
‘You’re never going to forgive me,’ Snape said sombrely. ‘One mistake and that’s it.’

‘You slept with Remus!’ Harry said angrily.

‘I was drunk!’

‘Why were you drunk? I’ll tell you why! It’s because things have been falling apart for a long time. You’ve cut me off. Our bond has faded so much I can hardly ever tell what you’re feeling, let alone what you’re thinking!’

Snape listened to the same old argument he had heard time and time again – the tears, the recriminations, the pleading on both sides. It was at this point he would usually stalk out, but not tonight. Some things needed to be said. ‘If you weren’t so tied up in your damn books with its tours and personal appearances, maybe that would have helped,’ he retorted.

When Matthew had finally started muggle school, Harry had found himself with far too much spare time on his hands. He had suddenly had the urge to write about his school adventures. What started out as a something to pass the time had quickly become an obsession, especially when Hermione had discovered what he was up to and encouraged him to try and get his writing published. Within months, he had found hlf flf famous for something that was totally his in both the magical and muggle world – and Harry liked it. The fame he had shied away from since he was eleven was now his for what he considered the right reasons. It didn’t involve any miraculous escapes from Voldemort that, to him, seemed to be more from dumb luck than any real ability on his part.
Harry knew what his husband was saying was partly true. However, it was not what he considered the whole root of their problems.
‘You could have tried talking to me instead of wrapping yourself up in those damn potions,’ Harry replied coldly.

‘I remember a time when you used to find potion making as fascinating as me,’ Snape said, his eyes dark with memories.

‘I did…I still do, but there is more to life.’ Harry said desperately.

‘Yes, there’s your incessant need to be in the spotlight,’ Snape sneered. ‘You kI acI actually believed you when you told me you hated all the fame.’

‘I did hate it. I didn’t believe I deserved it. Things are different now.’

‘Sweet, innocent Harry. Have you never thought that people buy your books because of who you are?’ Snape said derisively.

‘It crossed my mind,’ admitted Harry reluctantly. ‘But that isn’t true for the muggles. They have no idea who I am.’

‘What do muggle know? They think all you’ve written was very imaginative fiction.’

‘Why are you saying these things?’ Harry asked suddenly, his face pale. ‘Do you really believe them?’

Snape shook his head tiredly.

‘I don’t know what I believe any more,’ he said in a pained tone. ‘All I feel is this urge to hurt you like you’ve hurt me every time you flinch away from my touch.’

‘I can’t help it,’ Harry said, his expression sad. ‘It’s too soon.’

‘It was four months ago. It’s time we either move forward together…or end it for good.’

‘Is that an ultimatum?’ Harry asked, his eyes narrowing.

‘It’s the truth…we can’t carry on like this.’ Snape held out a hand as if to touch Harry, but reluctantly let it drop to his side.

‘And which option do you want?’

‘God, Harry,’ he said raggedly. ‘You know very well what I want.’

‘Tell me,’ Harry ordered.

Snape stared at him and tried to think of the words to convey his emotions.

‘I want it to be like it was at the beginning, when Matthew was little. God, we were so happy back then.\'

\'We can\'t go back in time,\' Harry replied sorrowfully. \'Matthew grew up… hell I grew up.\'

Snape viewed him through narrowed eyes, his expression growing cold.

\'If you\'re trying to imply you were too young to get married…to have a child…you certainly didn\'t think so at the time.\'
Harry threw up his hands in exasperation.

\'That\'s not what I meant! I don\'t regret marrying you and I certainly don\'t regret having our son, but I was only eighteen. I meant at the time, I felt like an adult - that I was fully mature - but now I see that wasn\'t true. When I think of the way I treated Ron it makes me cringe at how immature I was. I should have realised what was happening…or at least handled it better.\'

\'What exactly are you trying to say?\' Snape asked in bewilderment.

\'That I\'m not the same person I was at eighteen. If that\'s the person you want then I\'m sorry, it\'s not possible. I grew up. I have two careers that I love. I admit they take up a lot of my time, but I\'m not going to give up on either of them. If you\'re so enamoured of the past then go and find Remus,\' he finished bitterly, the hurt palpable on his face.

\'It\'s all about Harry as usual,\' Snape said in a deadly quiet tone. \'What Harry wants, what Harry can afford toe. e. You\'re right, you have changed. Compromise doesn\'t appear to be in your vocabulary any more…or forgiveness. I find it mildly amusing that you have forgiven Weasley for his betrayal that nearly killed you, but it appears you will never forgive me for my one drunken mistake.\'

\'The two situations are totally different!\' Harry replied angrily. \'What happened with Ron was almost completely my fault.\'

\'And this isn\'t? For god knows how long, I\'ve felt there hasn\'t been a place for me in your life. Always waiting around for you to fit me in between your writing, your teaching and Matthew. Remus is…was…my friend. He had time for me, even though I spent most of the time talking about you!\'

\'Don\'t try and blame me for your mistakes,\' Harry said through gritted teeth. \'I think it would be best if you went now.\'
Snape looked at him for one long moment before sweeping out of the room without another word. Back to the dungeons where he had spent the last four months.

Sleep did not come easily for Harry that night as his mind endlessly went over all that had been said. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew his husband had been saying what he believed was the truth. Harry could see perhaps that some of it was true. He had become self-absorbed over the years. He punched his pillow in frustration. What did he do now? Did he want Severus back? Or did he want his freedom…?

TBC.