Shiver

I sit slumped before Headmistress McGognal, and stare glumly at my feet.

‘Ms. Granger.’

‘Yes?’

‘Won’t  you even look at me?’

I slowly raise my tired eyes, fully aware that the dark circles and my sallow questions will raise more than one question.

She sighs, ‘Ms. Granger, I am worried for you.’

I’m worried about me too.

‘Is there something that I need to know?’

I look past her, at the portrait of former Headmaster Dumbledore who is sleeping in his chair.

‘Ms. Granger! ‘She says, and only now do I realize that she’s been repeating my name.

I shake my head and mumble an apology.

She frowns and crosses her arms, and several painful moments pass before she finally speaks, ‘I was not sure if I should allow Mr. Malfoy to teach here.  He is, after all, quite young but I chose to overlook that in light of the unique hardships he has undergone.  He is working very hard to shed  his past, actually he rather reminded me of Professor Snape, when he first came here.’

I feel like laughing, but I stand there, like a stone statue.  Malfoy?  Changed?

 The same changed professor just forced his fingers inside of me in the infirmary, I want to scream, but I can’t.  My shame, and fear, prevents me.

I am, if anything, a coward.

‘If there is anything that you would like to tell me, about Professor Malfoy, I want to remind you that this is a safe place.  Professor Malfoy would never know.’

Not know?  Of course he would know.  And then what would he do? Hunt me down and kill me? Torture me?

At this point he seems capable of anything, and my own sense of self preservation refuses to allow me to share what he has done.  But I want to. I open my mouth, and my stomach feels like lead, and my palms sweat.

But the words become stuck in my throat.  I merely stare miserably ahead and shake my head, ‘No, I’m fine, really.’

Professor McGognal clearly does not believe me, but she doesn’t push me.  She sits back in her chair and sighs, ‘Very well.  But if there is an issue, with him or anyone else, I cannot do anything unless you tell me.’

She dismisses me, and I drag my feet as I leave.

__

I cross my legs and rests my chin in my hand, patiently waiting for the Headmistress to explain the reason for being called here.

Perhaps she talked…

I don’t deny that I feel a small amount of apprehension, but I am certain that she hasn’t said anything.  Granger  would either be too proud or too depressed to do something like that.

No, the Granger I remember views asking others for help as weakness.  The Granger I am coming to understand is filled with fear…and perhaps a smattering of self-hate.

But still…

I wait for the Headmistress to state her case.

‘I am concerned about Ms. Granger Professor Malfoy.  I summoned her here because I have the fleeting suspicion that perhaps something had occurred between you two.’

I purse my lips together and make a show of slowly sighing, ‘Yes, I am afraid something has…or rather, hasn’t happened.  Ms. Granger I think is still impacted by what happened to her friends…and I don’t think she wants to put connection to that in the past.’

Not at all untrue.

If I know anything, I know the importance of always sticking as close to the truth as possible.  No one, not even Granger, can gainsay that.

The headmistress sits down, looking stern as ever.  ‘I assumed as much.  If it is okay with you, I would like to end your sessions, at least until after the holiday.’

I nod my head in agreement, but inwardly I can’t help but feel like this bitch needs to stop interfering in personal affairs.  But I’ve learned to fake my acceptance and smiles very well.

‘Very well.’

Only I am far from well.  I am seething.