By The Light

Chapter 19

 

Hours pass with Hermione curled up along my back, her even breaths and the steady drumming of her heart enough to convince me that she had slipped into Morpheus’ realm not long after having laid down on the comfortable mattress. Her warm presence, a constant soothing influence along my skin, yet I am unable to find my own slumber past the throbbing in my head and the heat of her body against my flesh.

 

My limbs, unused to spending such lengths of time inactive have gradually begun to ache. The steady throbbing running along my side and has for some time now urged me to shift from my position and work my muscles to provide relief. An almost logistical nightmare with a woman wrapped to tightly along my back.

 

As if reading my thoughts, Hermione grumbles incoherently in her sleep and tightens her grip on my midsection, nuzzling her face lightly against my shoulder blades. Reminding me of how physically close we are and yet how comfortable I feel in her embrace. On oddity that I still cannot puzzle out. I am completely unable to find sleep within her arms; her heat and the suffocating feeling settling over my chest are still very much present. I may stay in her bed every night, lay next to her and find a fitful rest, so long as we do not touch. However when sleep is not what I seek her arms around me are a heavy comfort. Pulling me down to a level of relaxation I didn’t think could be achievable without dropping into the land of dreams.

 

The ache, which has settled into, my muscles dictating my actions I slowly drag my eyes open into slits, already anticipating the blinding light that will filter through between my eyelids. I blink a few time to dispel the flash of white in my vision, my eyes quickly becoming accustomed to the dimmed room that is still to intense for my senses. I try to shift my position while still captured in the soothing hold, to no avail. I simply must rise and hope that enough time has past that my knees might support my weight. So after a deep breath I reach down to my belly and grasp Hermione’s wrist between my fingers, resting the limb down against the bed when I have shifted out of the way.

 

I slowly push my legs off the side of the bed and gather my limbs so I am able to pull myself up to site on its edge. Instantly dropping my eyes into the open palm of my hands as a deep feeling of nausea clambers up my throat. I have been almost religiously listening to the steady thump of Hermione’s heart. Only letting my sense focus on that single noise, that one rhythm and my movement, however slight broke that concentration. Inadvertently opening my mind up to all the other stimuli to be found, the constant wrapping of the wind against the glass window, the distant murmur of chatter, the intense sent of Hermione all around me in this enclosed space. Finding a small degree of comfort in the later I draw breath through my nostrils. Just breathing, in and out as slowly as I dare, focusing on her sent intently. Letting it wrap around my mind as her body had only moments earlier, slowly letting each of the tiny noises invading my ears slip away to the back of my mind.

 

Shakily I push myself to my feet and slowly hobble across the room to push against the door to Hermione’s adjoining bathroom. Once inside I close the door, the click of the lock echoing around the tiled room and my eyes close as I flinch against the sound. With my own breaths now heavy in my ears as I search the room with all of my senses, looking for something, anything to focus on, needed to draw my attention away from my shuddering muscles.

 

Two blind steps forward and my hands land on either side of the cold porcelain sink, fingers and thumbs gripping the unyielding martial, swallowing hard as my stomach clambers up my throat. Trying not to think, not to feel, just breathing trying to take every moment one shuddering breath at a time. After several long moments I have enough control over my own skin to drag my eyelids open, glaring at the seemingly bottomless drain before lifting my gaze to the mirror on the wall.

 

After the days event I had hardly expected to see a perfect representation of myself on the reflective surface. Outwardly I show little more of a reaction than a clench of my jaw, hiding my thoughts behind the mask of indifference even when in complete privacy. The habits of my formative years pushing through to disguise the pain throbbing throughout my skull, shielding the sight even from my own eyes.

 

Dropping my gaze again I press the plug into the drain the turn the cold tap, watching as the water slowly fills the sink. Cupping my hand under the spray letting gather water and press the cool liquid to my throbbing eyes, hoping that it might sooth the burning sensation that has settled behind them. After shaking off my hand of the excess fluid I once again bring my gaze to my reflection. Deep veins of red shooting across the whites of my eyes, made more prominent by the heavy dark lines beneath them. Reach to my face I slowly pull at the skin below my eye to better appraised my appearance. Noticing something in my blue irises, leaning over the sink to get a closer look, only for the fleeting sight to scurry away before it can be seen. Making me wonder if I had seen in it the first place. With a deep sigh I shut off the tap and bring another two handfuls of cool refreshing water to my face and pushing it over the back of my neck.

 

Resting my hands heavily against the sides of the sink and just listening to the droplets of water as they gather at my nose and chin to drip into the pool below. Feeling my senses weaver, taking in more information that I know how to handle, every single sound and sent demanding my attention and all I can do if focus my thoughts on those small droplets of water.

 

A single droplet of warmth leaks from behind my closed eyes, blazing a trail along my cold skin, only to fall from the base of my chin to join it’s bothers and cool on contact. “I don’t think I can do this.” I manage to whisper to myself. The small, simple admission of defect sagging my shoulders almost instantly, such words pressing against me so I might buckle under their weight.

 

‘You will become accustomed to this in time.’

 

My eyes snap open tuning on the spot to rest the small of my back against the ceramic edge. With every movement in my surroundings noticed in some form by the amplified senses I have developed, how is it possible for someone to have snuck up on me and hear my small private confession? Even with a frantic search I find no one who could have spoke, only an empty room and a closed door greet my gaze. Yet I heard a voice, as clear as crystal. My teeth grit together tightly, restraining myself from calling out into the small empty room. With my improved senses it could have been anyone, the voice not having needed to pitch down to a low whisper. It could have been said three floors down and I might have still herd. Words were spoken that I needed to hear nothing more.

 

With a shake of my head I turn back to the sink, running more of the liquid across my stinging eyes.

 

‘Why would you ignore my presence so?’

 

For just a moment my fright makes me forget how to breathe. Listening for any sigh that there is another in the room. I force air into my lungs, counting out three breaths, reminding my body how much it craves the oxygen in each gasp. “Who’s there?” I ask immediately having to flinch against the sound of my own voice as it echoes off the tiles.

 

‘You forget my name so readily human?’ Without knowing it my eyes shoot back to my refection. That voice, I recognise that voice. I search my own eyes, my cheekbones, pulling my upper lip over my teeth hunting for any sign that the beast within me will raise its ugly head. As I pull back my hair to double check the size and shape of my ears I feel it. I can feel the wolf’s curiosity towards my frenzied actions, detached from my own emotions but still emanating from within my skin. ‘What, exactly are you doing?’ it asks a moment later, the sound failing to echo of the smooth walls.

 

For a moment I just stare at my reflection. Only to be met with my own fear and confusion etched across my face. Not quite believing what I’m hearing, not really wanting to admit to myself that the primal animal inside of me can be talking to me a second time, most bizarrely with such a civil tongue. “Ammy?” I ask. Not having the presence of mind to remember the full name given by the creature over the past few hours.

 

‘I would much prefer Amaterasu.’ It snaps and I can almost taste how irate it had become with the small word.

 

Feeling chastised I avert my eyes from my own reflection and after frowning at my own actions mutter. “Sorry.” Somehow under my skin I can sense that it is pacified with the small apology and lapses into silence, appearing to wait for me to begin. My tongue reaches forward to touch my upper lip as I think. A thousand questions run through my mind, more than once a query as to the sate of my own sanity. “Who are you?” I quietly ask.

 

A moment of consideration runs through her and I feel it pressing against my bones for a moment. ‘My name is Amaterasu, more than that I feel it would be unwise to divulge.’

 

For the second time today I feel anger towards this beast and find myself uncaring of it’s destructive force. “You feel it unwise?” I voice raises in my rage and my gaze returns to my own eyes, watching my own anger burning within my irises. My voice echoes around the room, pressing against my senses but I am too focused, too driven to feel the pain that it must provoke in my skull. “You evade my life, take up residence in my mind and you feel it unwise to tell me why?”

 

She remains calm, her voice neutral as she speaks from within my head. ‘A separate question is it not? Even so the answer to both you are unready to hear.’

 

Gritting my teeth I try to hold my temper. Intuitively knowing that a second outburst will do more harm than good with this creature. “Ready?” I ask, taking a second to clench my jaw. “Like I was ready for this…” I stop not quite knowing how to vocalise the new state of my senses. “This thing you did to me.”

 

‘As I stated before, this was to be expected. The gifts bestowed upon you…’

 

She is quickly cut of by my voice echoing around the room. “Gifts?” For a moment the only sounds around me are my own breaths as I struggle with my own irritation. “You say that like I wanted this.”

 

‘My presence has merely altered your perception of the world around you.’

 

“At what cost?” I ask scrubbing my hands over my face. “I’ve got so much stuff going through my head that it’s almost unbearable to be in the same room as people.”

 

‘That is unfortunate.’ She says with an air of disinterest surrounding her voice. ‘Yet I cannot help but notice you chose to remain with your mate.’

 

“My what?” I bite back angrily.

 

‘The girl.’

 

Immediately the short fuse on my temper is lit and burnt out. “If you so much as touch her…” My threat trails off, knowing that I will be unable to hurt this creature without causing significant harm to myself. Knowing that my past efforts to contain the beast, even only on nights of the full moon have proved ineffective. Why could I possibly threaten that would hold any sort of significance to the animal held within my skin and as of now running through my mind? 

 

The cool ripple of amusement runs down my spine to indicate she has had the same thought as I. ‘You’ll, what exactly?’ Another wave of enjoyment and she relents. ‘Fear not human, it is not my intention to harm you or your mate.’

 

“Then what is?” I ask, my alarm only reducing a fraction at her words. I feel the wolf inside my head smile, having no intention to answer me and outside the room I hear Hermione stir, the bed creaking as she shifts her weight. I turn my head to gaze at the thin wooden door and then back to the mirror on the wall. “You wont hurt her?”

 

‘You have my word.’

 

Without any option but to trust her I nod, a silent acceptance as I hope that I will be able to feel any violent intention before it is unleashed, as I had been able to feel her amusement only a few moments ago.

 

Closing my eyes in defeat I run a towel over my face and press it to the back of my neck as I reach for the door. Slowly pulling it open as to not startle the gradually wakening figure on the bed. Her sleepy eyes land on me in an instant and I can see the concern shining brightly within them even amongst the dim light of the retreating sun from below the closed curtains. “Hi.” She remembers to lower her voice and barely breathes the small word. I let the side of my lips lift in a small smile of which I am unsure if she is able to see. “Are you feeling better?”

 

I frown at her question. The intense pounding in my head almost forgotten during my confrontation with Ammy only moments ago hits the back of my eyes with a vengeance and I have to close them against the sudden onslaught. “A little.” I answer honestly; noting that at the very least my limbs are no longer twitching at a maddening rate and threatening to throw my whole body in the spasms.

 

She takes a breath and quickly rises from the bed, padding across her rug to take a closer look at my features. Her palm reaching up to run along my cheek and she blinks back the lasting effect of sleep from her eyes. “You look excused.” She says as her thumb gently runs a trail under my eye to note the deep shadows she must be able to see from this distance. “Have you slept at all?” I shake my head indicating that I haven’t, the closeness of her body and the throbbing in my skull preventing me from falling into any sort of slumber. A small smile runs across her face. “Am I just breathing to loud?”

 

“No.” I answer, noticing her attempt at humour but needed to dispel any such fears before they start. “If anything it keeps me grounded, gives me something to listen to.” My hands reach up to press against her upper arms hoping the contact will be at least a little comforting. “Besides, I can hardly ask you to stop breathing on my account.”

 

“We could sleep separately.” She starts having seen something in my face that I had not planned to be shown openly. “The ground floor would be to noisy for you… I could.”

 

“This is your room.” I cut her off. “And I’m brewing a fish potion. Remember.” I let my eyes lose focus for a moment having uncharacteristically forgotten one of my own mental notes. “I should really attend to that.”

 

Something akin to anger spreads across my shoulder blades only moments before I hear my wolf’s voice in my ear. ‘And yet you still seek to contain me.’

 

I feel myself flinch against the sudden harshly spoken words spreading through my consciousness, remembering the fleeting sight of her in my eyes I clamp them closed, needing to shut Hermione out of this, needed her to think that my amplified senses is all that I had walked away with, needed her to remain oblivious to the madness happening within my skin.

 

A moment later Hermione’s other hand presses against my cheek holding my head still so she can drag my gaze to hers. “I’ll go. What needs doing?” Her voice is laced thinly with concern and I can only hope that she assumes I had heard or smelt something that proved to be to much for my fragile form.

 

The growl in Ammy’s voice has me stop short. ‘A fool’s errand.’

 

There are two things I can do now. Tell her Hermione she needs to add three ingredients and lower the brew to a simmer. Or give her instructions to sabotage the whole thing. Hopefully provoking some sort of trust, or even striking a barging with the animal inside of me. My attempts to subdue her on the full moon are clearly causing her some form of distress, weather physical or not it doesn’t matter. Distress is certainly something I am able to use to my own advantage. Finally having enough wits about me to think clearly I make the easy decision. “Douse the flame. Let it rest.”

 

“Sounds easy enough.” She pauses and I begin to count her heartbeats, finding a large degree of comfort in the rhythmic thump against her breastplate. “Did you even eat breakfast this morning?” My tightly clenched jaw beneath her fingers is her only answer. I hear her breathing change and even notice I can her the tightening of her skin as she smiles, knowing my eating habits to be unorthodox at best. “I’ll bring you something up. Just try and get some rest.”

 

“I’ll try.” I answer, missing the warmth of her hands and they leave my cheeks reaching for her robes.

 

Soon she it out of the door and I listen intently to her retreating footsteps. Not daring to breathe a word until she is out of even my rage of hearing. Keeping my eyes firmly closed so I am unable to become destarected by the sight around me I listen to the change in both pitch and rhythm as she begins to descend a flight of stairs, able to pick out her specific pair shoes against the stone floor among the chaotic noises of the castle on a Saturday afternoon. After she is safely out of earshot I turn my attention inward, paying attention to the beast within me. “Is it worth trying to contain you?”

 

My question provokes a curious feeling to run along my spine as she considers my words. ‘This attempt will fail. I assure you.’

 

“Of that I’m certain.” I say to the empty room. Turning Hermione’s chair so I am able to take a seat and drop my aching head into my open hands. “Because I just instructed Hermione to destroy it.”

 

‘You lied to her.’ I am unsure if I can hear the faint air of amazement or disappointment as she speaks. ‘With such ease.’

 

“She can see right through my lies.” I say smiling at the concept, the only person in my life to look through me with as much ease as a pain of glass. “I only mislead her.”

 

‘Which begs the question…” Her words lased with cold suspicion. ‘Why would you do such a thing?’

 

Her suspicion is well founded as I swallow back the pain I feel and sit back in my chair. “Because, I want to make a deal.” I feel her interest peak and force the smile to say away from my face, not knowing is she can feel the changes in my features. “These potions, these attempts to subdue you. They clearly cause you some pain.”

 

‘That is true. Although it does make me wonder how you knew.’

 

“I have my ways.” I say trying to remain vague, happy that she is not privy to my inner thoughts. “You calm down on a full moon. You curl up and go to sleep like you’re supposed to. I’ll stop brewing them. I’ll stop trying.”

 

‘And what of that room.’ Another growl accompanies her words. The dark, dank space afforded to me deep in the catacombs of the castle is something that even I hold a deep feeling of dread for each month.

 

“I can’t do anything about that.” Grated that would have been a much bigger bargaining chip but with Umbridge in control of the school, requested her to change the appointed place for my transformations borders on impossible.

 

A small sound of irritation can be heard, the feeling strange when echoing inside of your own skull. ‘Then you simply haven’t offered me enough.’

 

My frustration shows on my face in the form of a sneer and I barite myself for letting it slip through my defences. I detest not holding all of the advantages in these sorts of negotiations. “Then what can I give you?” I say, keeping the sight of defeat firmly out of my voice.

 

‘I offer you a choice. Once a month I am free the roam in our other form, while in your human form I remain out of your conscious mind as it appears you so desire.’ I feel a long sigh escape my lungs and drop my still stinging eyes into my palm. I would love nothing more than what she offers but I am unable to give her what she wants. ‘Alternatively. You cease your attempts to restrain me and allow me to see the world through your eyes.’

 

“One I can’t live up to and the other I have no idea how to stop.” I muse aloud; beaten at my own game, if I weren’t so enraged I’d applaud. “You see what I see, just don’t expect me to talk to you in public.”

 

‘Then I believe human, we will be able to reach a compromise.’