The Burden of Memory

Authors Note: Many thanks to my beta Shannon!

Chapter 19 No Turning Back

Draco stood in the ominous receiving parlor at Malfoy Manor, his hands sweating slightly and his pulse racing.

He knew he should know this place as well as he now knew Harry’s flat, but though it looked familiar to him it still felt foreign. It didn’t have the warm fragrance of sandalwood and vanilla that seemed to follow Harry everywhere he went, and instead of being surrounded by rich woods, musty books and plush comfortable furniture, everything here was sterile polished marble and shiny silver metal.

After taking a deep breath he reached to pull jacket straight and marched across the room to the large double doors that would give him access to the massive sweeping staircase that connected most of the rooms in the manor, and would lead him to his mother’s private quarters.

It seemed it was unnecessary though, as his mother met him at the bottom of the gilded staircase with her arms outstretched. “Draco, I wondered when you might come back,” she whispered as she pulled Draco against her bosom.

“I’m not back, mother. I just need some answers,” he replied, slowly prying himself from his mother’s embrace.

She nodded somewhat curtly and started walking up the stairs without a word. Draco always respected how easily his mother could switch from warm and welcoming one moment to icy and business like the next. No doubt that trait helped her a great deal while having the Dark Lord residing in her home. Merlin only knew the types of temper tantrums and mood swings he was prone to.

Draco followed her quietly through a series of corridors, each baring lines of portraits containing his ancestors or gleaming landscapes of properties his ancestors once owned. At one point the Malfoy family owned Stonehenge and Loch Ness was still in their accounts. Draco was set to inherit that among many other ancient properties and items far more valuable than even their entire vault of galleons.

A set of ivory doors, which Draco knew for a fact were actually constructed of solid carved ivory, opened into a demure sitting parlor with several doors leading to his mother’s bedchamber, personal library, bath and walk-in closets. Draco took a seat as instructed in a sleek damask armchair across from a rich marble fireplace inset with emerald chips that formed a vine pattern along the mantle.

“I trust you’ve watched your father’s memory,” she asked once they had settled.

“I have,” he replied. “I’ve also visited that dreadful flat and read your potions journal,” he added.

“I’m not sure there is much else I can offer you then, son,” she replied, looking a bit sullen over the fact.

“Do you have any idea what I did with the echo potion?” he asked.

“I know you took it to Hogwarts. The morning you left was the last we saw you before the afternoon at Potter’s cousin’s meager home,” she replied thoughtfully.

Draco sighed. “You realize that Harry has an identical flat?” he asked, slightly perturbed by his mother’s materialism. Sure Draco enjoyed a nice luxurious bath now and again, and liked to have a thorough book collection and soft sheets, but he required little else. At least his most recent incarnation did.

His mother raised a delicate eyebrow in question and he shook his head. “You just shouldn’t be so rude to those who live below your means, which really mother, includes just about everyone.”

“Mr. Potter might actually rival our own wealth and yet he lives in the same building as a woman who makes the salary of a training medical practitioner. The idea of it is curious I must say, but my current curiosity is to hear you refer to the boy you have loathed your entire life by his given name,” she replied haughtily.

Draco blushed slightly and shifted in his chair but otherwise stayed mute on the subject.

This did not please Narcissa.

“Draco, have you taken Harry as your lover?” she asked, quite seriously.

He closed his eyes against his mother’s penetrating gaze and sighed. “Yes,” he answered honestly. “I’m in love with him.”

Much to his surprise, his mother only smiled sweetly and nodded. “I told Lucius it was only a matter of time. You’ll have to convince him to move into your private quarters, or we can assign him his own if he would like, or we can just renovate yours to make them larger,” she began, and Draco wasn’t sure if she would have stopped on her own.

“Mother,” he interrupted. “We’re dating, not married.”

“For now,” she replied with a knowing smile. “I told you once that I foresaw Harry being an important part of our lives, well this is what I saw.”

Draco blanched slightly. He knew his mother’s sight was rarely incorrect, but he also knew it could be changed and was by no means a given. Certain events could still sway things, events like Harry finding out he was trying to get him sent to Azkaban before his memory loss.

“None of that will be possible if Harry finds out that I was trying to capture and imprison him,” Draco muttered.

“I think you underestimate Harry’s ability to forgive,” she replied and Draco only shook his head.

“How could anyone forgive that? He’d never trust me again!” Draco howled. If it were the other way around it would be impossible for him to trust Harry’s true intentions after news like that.

“He’ll never trust you if he finds out your being dishonest with him now,” she pointed out wisely, but Draco wasn’t ready to hear it yet.

“You really know nothing more about my activities since I took the potion to Hogwarts?” he asked, trying to change the subject.

“Not a thing,” she confirmed.

“Can you make sure my lease at that dreadful flat is turned over to someone else?” he asked as a personal favor.

“Consider it done, dear,” his mother said with a nod.

Draco got up and hugged his mother then. He was a bit less tense than when he arrived and knowing that Narcissa saw good things for his and Harry’s future made him happier.

“Promise you’ll talk to Harry about living here,” she requested firmly.

“How about we just start with a dinner, mother,” Draco replied with soft grin.

“Dinner would be nice. Floo me with which night you’ll be over and I’ll have your favorite prepared.

“Thanks mother,” Draco replied politely and headed for the door. “Tell father I said hello.”

“Tell me yourself,” boomed the haughty voice of Lucius from the open doorway.

“Father,” Draco said with a bow and looked back up to find the older man grinning.

“I hear you are experiencing some turbulence with Potter,” his father noted, pulling him back into the room he had just been attempting to exit.

“Not experiencing yet, no, but expecting to soon if I can’t figure this mess out,” Draco sighed.

“I believe your mother left out the part where Potter stood up for us in front of the Wizengamot,” he replied. “It’s is very important to our family, and to myself in particular that you do not estrange him from us.”

“No pressure, father. Thanks,” Draco replied sarcastically and immediately bit his tongue for the act upon seeing his father’s stern glare.

“I think only of the wellness and progression of our family, nothing more. I understand your infatuation with him. Your mother and I have always noticed it and we’re happy to see it take a… less violent form than before your memory loss. And assuming that Potter feels the same, we must do what we can to keep it that way,” Lucius added haughtily.

“We must do what we can within reason, Lucius. Harry is meant to belong to this family, and I would see it happen, but not at any cost. Draco needs to be honest with him and allow Harry to choose how he would like to proceed,” Narcissa interrupted firmly.

“I’m terrified he’ll leave me,” Draco admitted. Fear was not typically an emotion he would be permitted to express, but Narcissa only nodded.

“I won’t deny that there is a chance that he will leave you, but that chance gets more and more prevalent in my mind the longer you wait to tell him the truth of your initial intentions. He will find out. I can see that clearly. I have yet to see how,” she noted, her eyes in a half-closed state as she let her visions pass through her.

Draco nodded, his body filled with dread at the very idea of coming clean to Harry, but he felt he had little choice. Logically truth was the right answer and his mother was rarely wrong about her visions. One look at his father’s face showed him that he didn’t agree that truth was the right answer but he also knew that his father would never keep anything from his mother, and if Draco wanted his bond with Harry to be the same as that, than he needed to treat Harry as a partner not an employee.

“I have some thinking to do,” he said at last, his body feeling like a lead weight. “I should go back to Harry’s. He’ll be wondering where I am.”

“Be safe, son,” Lucius told him and clapped him on the back.

“And don’t forget about dinner,” Narcissa called after him as he left their private quarters and ventured back the way he came.

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Harry wished he had a garden.

He had grown a small garden at his last flat and it always soothed him to prune and cultivate plants into thriving and blooming pieces of art, and he could use the stress reliever.

He wanted desperately for Draco to come back. It had been hours before that he left and now that the flat was shining and spotless, all Harry could think of was his missing lover and he began to worry. He was minutes away from filing a missing wizard report with the Ministry when the door to his flat finally opened and the treacherous blonde stepped in.

“How was the air?” Harry asked, recalling Draco’s excuse for leaving from several hours before.

Draco winced and went to sit across from Harry. “I didn’t go out for air,” he admitted, and Harry let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding.

“You don’t say?” Harry replied with a quizzically raised eyebrow.

“I’ve been getting snippets of my memory back from the months after the war,” he told Harry. “And none of them have been good, so I went out to get some answers.”

“And you couldn’t have just told me that?” Harry asked, staring into his boyfriend’s fearful eyes. He wondered what the basis for that fear was, was he afraid of saying too much, afraid he would catch him in a lie, or was it something else.

“To be honest, I’m having a hard time telling you even now,” Draco sighed.

Harry rolled his eyes. “It couldn’t possibly be that bad.”

“I was trying to capture you and have you sent to Azkaban,” he muttered, staring at his feet. “I had a flat nearby and I was watching Lara to see if she would lead me to you.”

“I didn’t even know her then!” Harry shouted. He was trying to contain his anger, but Draco’s news was a little too much.

“I know, but I didn’t believe that before. I assumed that if I could know about her, than you must,” Draco reasoned.

“Do you know how you lost your memory yet?” Harry asked, getting up from the sofa and pacing his living room.

“Not yet,” Draco replied sullenly. “I’m sorry, Harry. I really am. I had no idea…” he began but Harry interrupted him with a wave of his hand.

“I know, I know,” he grumbled. “I just need to know if any of those feelings are starting to resurface. Please, Draco,” he whispered, kneeling in front of his lover and looking him deep in the eyes. “I need to know if you’re still here with me, or if any part of you is starting to doubt us.”

Draco didn’t hesitate for even a second before capturing Harry’s lips in a desperate kiss. “I’m here,” he replied when they broke apart. “I’m all here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Harry searched Draco’s eyes and found the truth in them; the truth that Draco’s fear was only that Harry might reject him. “Then we can put all this behind us,” Harry whispered and kissed Draco again.

“Really? Just like that?” he asked, looking baffled by Harry’s easy acceptance.

Harry merely shrugged. “No harm every came of it, and you’re mine now,” he added with a wink.

“Good, then you can come with me to Hogwarts tomorrow,” Draco replied, looking infinitely more relieved.

“What’s at Hogwarts?” Harry asked curiously.

“The next part of the puzzle,” Draco told him. “Apparently I made a potion and I drank it there, but something must have happened to me there and I need to know what.”

Harry hesitated and leaned away slightly. “Maybe we should stop tempting fate,” he whispered.

“What does that mean?” Draco asked, his eyebrows knit in confusion.

“It means, what if we should just thank Merlin that we got most of your memory back, all the important stuff, and we’re still together,” he replied, clutching Draco’s hands.

“So… what? You think I should just let it go?” Draco asked, his eye’s taking on an angry glint.

“I just think, maybe we should leave well enough alone,” Harry countered.

“You’d prefer I spend the rest of my life with a gap in my memory?” he asked, clearly not approving of Harry’s suggestion of just that.

“What if that gap holds the key to me losing you? What if you remember the how’s and the why’s and you decide you can’t be with me?” Harry asked. “Is it worth the risk?”

“Is this an ultimatum?” Draco asked, his voice becoming gravelly with his frustration.

Harry sighed and stood up. “Maybe.” He didn’t know what to do. It seemed pointless to press the issue only to drive Draco away over something that may or may not change Draco’s affections. He had just fallen so deeply in love with the new Draco that he was terrified of the old Draco being triggered into reemerging.

Draco shook his head. “So that’s it? I was honest with you and still you don’t trust me?”

“I love you, Draco. I just don’t want to lose you,” Harry whispered.

Draco sighed and pulled Harry down into his lap. “It will drive me crazy if I don’t solve this mystery.”

“It would drive me crazy if I lost you now… after everything,” Harry sighed, letting his forehead fall against Draco’s.

“You won’t lose me,” Draco replied firmly. “Come with me tomorrow.”

“You’re set on this, huh?” he asked.

“Absolutely, please don’t make me choose you or my memory, Harry,” Draco begged.

“Just for the record, which would you choose?” Harry asked, somewhat playfully, but still curious.

“You,” Draco breathed, biting softly into Harry’s bottom lip.

“Then I’ll come with you tomorrow,” Harry promised and chuckled lowly when Draco scooped him up and carried him to the bedroom.

Authors Note: Yes, I know, you'd like to follow them into the bedroom. I wasn't in a particularly smutty mood when I wrote this chapter. Sorry. I'll make it up to you all though at some point I'm sure! lol. Plus I wanted to end it on a sweet note, not a raunchy one. hehe