Never Piss Off a House-Elf

"Halain!" Severus bellowed as he and Hermione entered the large store. He'd long ago realized that finding another clerk and waiting for a clerk to find his friend was a rather large waste of time. The damned clerks were always trying to make a sale and keep the commissions for themselves, even though many of them had money to spare, at least in Severus's estimation. He kept in touch with Halain and knew his friend's schedule, making sure only to come in when Halain was working and close to closing so that Halain was the only clerk on the floor. "Halain, come out or I swear I'll give your commission away!"


Hermione stared at her fiancé, who was half-smiling as they heard hurried footsteps coming their way.


"I always do this to him. He knows I refuse to deal with the dunderheads he works with. I have to drop the glamour in here because of all the muggle electronics, and they always have a hard time dealing with a man in robes. They seem to find it funny," Severus explained as his friend finally appeared in front of them.


"Severus, you greasy black b~-- and who is this charming young woman?" Halain smiled down at Hermione. He was a good half-head taller than her, almost matching Severus's height. "My, my, my Severus. How'd you manage to bag one, let alone one this beautiful? I'm Halain Roberts, by the by."


"Hermione Granger. Pleased to meet you," Hermione said, sticking out her hand to shake. Halain caught it and turned it palm up, placing a kiss in it.


"Ouch! Ah, the marriage law at work, I see. Again, Severus?" Halain asked, and Severus's face darkened. Halain coughed. "Sorry, old boy. What can I do for you today? Registering for wedding gifts?"


"No, old friend. I would like to purchase a suitable engagement gift for my fiancée, and as this was somewhat new to both of us, I thought it best to let her choose what she likes," Severus said, and Hermione stared at him. Halain nodded, and took Hermione's arm in his own. No stinging or burning ensued, and she surmised that the other man's predatory instincts had disappeared upon his realization that Hermione was not up for grabs. "I want you to make sure she gets whatever she needs and wants for her musical tastes and academic pursuits."


Halain nodded and dragged Hermione away to the far end of the store. She looked surprised and a little scared, and Halain had to laugh.


"Don't worry, Severus actually knows his way around electronics. No muggle who wanders in here will think him too strange; you know how audiophiles can be," Halain said blithely, leading her to a bank of speakers. "These are the best compact speakers we have. And don't ask about price. Severus will have my head if I let you fret about that. He's quite generous, you know."


"I don't. Care to share?" Hermione said, her curiosity engaged as she listened to the music coming from the different speakers. She picked a pair and let Halain write it up on his purchase order. They left the speakers and wandered to the stereo systems.


"When we were younger, I tried very hard to learn magic. I was born a squib, you see, and while Albus let me into Hogwart's because of the very low level of magic I held, I struggled. Severus helped me get to the point where I could use what little magic I held to my benefit, and then I left Hogwart's. My family tired of supporting me, and I couldn't get a regular job in the wizarding world.


"Oh, did you want a tape deck and cd deck, or just cd? Both, if you ask me, because you'll have music that you can't transfer from tape to cd. Ah, where was I?


"Yes. Around that time was when that bastard sire of Severus's died. I was the only one who came to the funeral, you see, and Severus had me come to the reading of the will. There was no will, and all the hereditary lands and monies came to him. Not much, but just enough. He gave me the money to invest in the muggle markets, and let me live at Spinner's End. He didn't live there much, and his mother needed company. I stayed there with Eileen until she died. When I finally realized why Sev didn't come home, I was horrified. Taking the Dark Mark? I knew he was a bit dark, but not like that.


"Mp3 is the way to go for portable music, Hermione. We make a few players, and I think this little 5g is the one for you. You'll be able to take just about all the music you could stand to listen with you on this baby. But you'll need a laptop for transfers. Just so happens we have a few you'd like. And Spinner's End has electricity, so don't worry. I had it put in back when I lived there.


"Anyways, to make a long story short, Severus is the on who enabled me to make my life in muggle London without losing my wizarding heritage. I still go into Diagon Alley on a regular basis, and I visit what friends I have occasionally, mostly Severus, to tell the truth. He's helped me through a number of rough times, and I'm probably not the only one. He even found me a house-elf who preferred squibs to full-blown wizards, so I haven't starved yet," Halain smiled.


"Wow. Not what I expected," Hermione said. "Can I take a look at that purchase order?"


"No. Do you want Severus to cut me off?" Halain smiled. "Besides, he didn't get to pick everything out for you. At least let him have the honor of paying for it without you knowing. I get the distinct feeling that neither one of you accepts gifts very well."


"Halain, I don't think I need all this. A simple walkman would have sufficed," Hermione whined, trying to see the amount on the order.


"Severus said everything wanted and needed for music and academia, Hermione. And while you don't seem to know better yet, I know enough to follow Severus's orders. And we have one more thing to discuss: laptop. Have you used a computer before?"


"I'm muggle-born, Halain."


"Alright. So you have. Well, then we can set you up right away. . . "


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Severus contented himself with wandering the store while Halain helped Hermione. If anyone could get Hermione to spill on what she wanted by way of muggle electronics, it was Halain. The man was born a salesman, a negotiator. If it hadn't been for Halain, Tobias Snape's solicitor would have gotten away with all the Snape money, not just most of it.


Halain had bargained with the man, argued, and finally blackmailed the bastard lawyer until her gave Severus a measly quarter of the estate he was owed. Halain probably knew but never mentioned that Severus had spent half of that helping his friend get situated in the muggle world. Halain was the closest thing Severus had to a brother, and his only best friend. Neither mentioned that, either, in deference to Severus's issues. He refused to call them feelings; he was no womanish fop, forever moaning about his needs. Hermione and Halain trotted past him, Hermione's robes folded over the other man's arms.


Well, needs, Severus thought, taking in her delicious form. I could get very used to indulging needs with Hermione.


After what seemed an eternity to Severus (but was, in actuality, only about an hour), Halain and Hermione returned to him, Halain making some dirty joke that had Hermione in belly-laughs. Severus quirked an eyebrow, and Halain smirked at him


"I can't wait to send this bill to Gringott's, old boy. Your fiancée has expensive tastes," Halain laughed, and Hermione blushed.


"You wouldn't let me see a price sheet, or anything but the highest end models, Hal! Severus, if this is too much, I can put some of it back," Hermione said, blushing deep red. Her parents ~-- well, her mother ~-- always groused about the price of school books and robes. She didn't want to be a burden to Severus before they even married.


"You're not a burden, Hermione. I want this to be as easy on you as possible. Ah, you did get head-phones of some sort, didn't you?" Severus asked. If she listened to atrocious music, he certainly didn't want to be subjected to it.


Halain looked wounded by that remark.


"Severus, I'm positively devastated by your assertion. As if I would let a customer out without everything she needs! Especially if you're buying," Halain laughed. He wrote up the rest of the purchase order, handing it to Severus, who signed it while Halain spoke to Hermione.


"There are many wizards and witches using muggle technology to share information, especially in the Potions field. You should see if you can get Severus to use your computer. And when he decides he needs his own, make sure he comes to me," Halain winked. Severus grunted and passed the sheet back to his friend.


"Incorrigible, you're completely incorrigible, Halain," Severus said, taking Hermione's robes from his friend. He held them out for her, and Hermione automatically stepped into them, as if they'd been doing the dance for years. Halain noticed it, and it made him smile. "Everything will be at the house when we arrive tonight?"


"Of course. I'll close up here and hop a broom with everything in tow. I'll set it up for you and be gone before you're even home. I'll set out instructions to everything for Hermione, and I'll even set up Internet access and her computer. And do anything else that needs to be done about the rest of the electronics you bought today and already have. Have I covered everything, Severus?"


"I assume so, but I also assume I'll have to come berate you for whatever you forgot to do later," Severus said in a good-natured hiss. "Till next time, old friend."


"Lovely to meet you Hermione," Halain called as the couple turned to leave.


"And you," Hermione nodded, stepping to Severus's side.


"Later, old boy, " Halain said, watching his friend protectively wrap an arm around the young witch's waist. They looked an old married couple in their interactions, and he sighed.


"Time for me to get hitched then, isn't it?"


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"Time to go to Diagon Alley, witch," Severus said, gently guiding Hermione in the direction of the wizarding mecca. Hermione let him lead her, and Severus did the strange little ritual that allowed them access.


"What are we getting here, Severus?" Hermione asked, looking around. While they quite fit in while in muggle London, their attire was not the norm for the wizarding world. Hermione didn't care, but she worried Severus would.


"You'll need your books for the term, Hermione," Severus said distractedly, leading her down the street to Flourish & Blotts. "I need to speak to the shop-keep, and then you can get whatever you need for the term, books, quills, whatever. Get a few books for 'light reading', as well. And you should probably get yourself a new copy of Hogwart's: A History. Last I knew your copy was getting quite dog-eared."


Hermione nodded, still trying to swallow the money he was dropping on her. She needed new robes for school, too, and for her coming life as a wife, but that could be dealt with later.


"No, I'd rather not have to make this trip again before the end of the summer. Get the robes you need for school, and we can make arrangements for other robes later," Severus said, leaving her in the aisle. "I speak to the ladies at Monique's Maids, Mums and Matrons and set you up with an account there. GO straight there from here, and I will collect you there when my errands are finished. Agreed?"


"Uhm, yes, I guess," Hermione said. He'd read her mind again without asking, but then he asked her about the arrangements for later on, so it balanced out. Severus nodded and left her alone in her favorite shop.


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It took Severus two hours to set up the accounts at Flourish & Blotts and Monique's, then all the paperwork at Gringott's. The goblins were quite unconcerned with the issue of the Marriage Law, and therefore did not want to enter any name on Severus's account until the marriage was made. It wasn't until Severus threatened to leave and take his money with him that they agreed to make the changes he wanted.


"We'll make the changes, Sir, but you'll have to come back here within one month of the marriage to solidify everything, for legal purposes," Egel, the goblin waiting on him had decreed. Severus had agreed because he wasn't in a position to disagree. They could make it very difficult for him to pay his bills if he pissed them off.


His last stop was at Shirstein's Silver and Golde Emporyum. He grimaced at the name, but they were the best in the Alley. He always groaned at the spelling on the sign, but they weren't his students. Good thing, too, because jewelers were some of the worst dunderheads, in Severus's opinion.


"Ah! Mr. Snape, always a pleasure to see you," Michael Shirstein said, throwing his arms open. Severus rarely came into the store, preferring not to wear much jewelry. "You need another belt buckle, I presume?"


"No. I need an engagement ring, and your silence," Severus said, and Shirstein fell to his butt in disbelief. "I meant that. If this gets out, I'll know it was you."


"No, no need to worry, Mr. Snape. I need to know who your intended is, and if you have an article that belongs to her, I'll need that, too," Michael said, standing and brushing himself off. Had to happen sometime.


"This belongs to her," Severus said, pulling out a hair brush he'd had Miki filch for him. "I assumed that something she used everyday would be best. And the witch is. . . "


"Yes?" Michael asked, breathless. This is gonna be good!


"One Hermione Jane Granger, soon to be Snape."


Michael fell to the floor again. "No wonder you don't want this to get out. She's a student, isn't she, and the brightest witch of the age?"


"Yes. Now analyze this and get me the correct engagement ring. I'll want an assortment to choose from, of course."


"Of course, Sir. Please, take a seat. Shall I pick a few wedding bands as well?"


"No. I know what the bands will be," Severus said. That damned Irish love-knot, they will.


Michael nodded and scurried off, much like the distant uncle Severus had seen disposed of. Shirstein probably didn't even know he was related to Peter Pettigrew, but Severus had known as soon as he met the much younger man. Their mannerisms were quite similar, but Michael couldn't be more good than a glass of whole milk.


After about fifteen minutes, Michael reappeared with three rings to show Severus, along with the hairbrush to return to Hermione. Severus sat forward in his seat as Michael pulled up a table and laid out the choices for him.


"The first that came to mind is this small diamond solitaire, set in yellow 18k gold. It is a round cut, and without blemish. The diamond is a one-half carat, straight from the South African mines," Michael said, pointing out the first ring, a small, plain thing to Severus's thinking.


"Shirstein, a more boring testament to the solemnity and everlasting duration of marriage has never been made. Show me your next mediocre specimen," Severus said, eyes rolling.


"Ahem," Michael cleared his throat. Sure, the diamond was unoriginal, but boring? It was classic. "Our next option is a oblong cut amethyst, set again in yellow 18k gold. The filigree on the side is self-cleaning, and~--"


"No. Amethyst. Really, Michael. Purple? She's not some soothsaying wannabe. Next."


Michael stifled a groan and revealed the last choice, one he hadn't wanted to even bring out. "This is our last option, but I fear how it would match with our traditional wedding bands."


"I don't have to buy the bands here if they don't match the way I want them to, Michael. And you can't imagine how little tradition matters to me right now."


"Ah, yes. This is a dainty 14k rose gold ring, set with blue sapphire. Interestingly enough, this sapphire is quite a treasure, due to the nature of its pigmentation. Depending on the light, it shines either blue or green. On the sides are small representations of the Celtic blessing knot," Michael trailed off. Severus Snape would never want this ring.


"I'll take it. Size 7 ½, and immediately. Send the bill to my account at Gringott's; I'm sure they want proof I'm engaged," Severus said, rising and sticking his hand out. Michael carefully used his wand to size the ring as instructed and plucked a box from his pocket. He placed the ring in it and Severus took it from him.


"Always a pleasure, Michael, " Severus said as he left the store.


It was time to collect Hermione and her purchases.


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Hermione had purchased all her seventh-year and advanced textbooks along with pleasure reading and a new copy of Hogwart's: A History. Yet again, the clerk wouldn't show her the prices, and she was not allowed to pick used copies of her school books. She was quickly getting over the embarrassment of it all, and was quite enjoying herself. She had picked a few highly advanced potions, transfiguration and defense against the dark arts texts, books she would need if she decided to go to university or apprentice herself. She forced herself to not think about the child she'd be rearing while doing any of this, instead focusing on the pursuit of knowledge. A few trashy novels made their way in as well, Hermione giggling at the fact that even she was ensnared by pretty covers and exaggerated titles.


The lady-clerks at Monique's fairly swarmed around her when they recognized Hermione. They outfitted her with everything she needed from undergarments and everyday robes to nightwear and robes suitable for semi-formal gatherings. When Hermione protested about the nightwear, the girls laughed at her.


"Darling, every witch needs hot nighties and sexy nightrobes, be she single, engage, or married for a hundred years!" the girls had laughed. Hermione had blushed profusely until one of the older girls took her aside.


"Hermione, you're getting married. I assume you're a virgin?" the older girl asked, and Hermione blushed, nodding. "First off, stop blushing so much. You need to get that under control. Second, are you planning on getting married very soon?"


"No. We're waiting until I can sit most of my exams, the Yule holidays," Hermione explained, and the girl laughed.


"The magic won't let you wait that long, my dear. The whole idea behind marriage magic is conception. Better to be prepared than lose it in dowdy flannels, hmm?"


"If you say so," Hermione muttered, her good humour gone.


"What's wrong, Hermione? You're marrying a rich and generous wizard, who is rumoured to be quick good in the sack. Nothing wrong there, if you ask me."


"I was supposed to marry Ron Weasley~-- what is your name? You never told me," Hermione said, suddenly quite interested in the older girl.


"Raina. Hermione, I know this isn't what you'd planned, but you seemed almost resigned to it when you came in. What's changed in the last twenty minutes or so?"


"I'm a wee bit scared. Marriage is one thing, but I still have my education, and I'm supposed to be pregnant within a year of the wedding itself. I know it is foolish, but I still want to not think about all this," Hermione explained. "And yes, Severus is being good to me. He even took me into muggle London to get everything I need for music and other muggle conveniences. I know I should be thankful, but I'm still scared."


Raina nodded slowly. "And?"


"And I have to tell my parents. What are they going to say when I tell them I'm marrying the professor I've complained about for so long?"


"Hopefully they'll be happy for you. And your friends should be, too."


"You don't know my parents or my friends."


Raina nodded again. "Here, I have a cell-phone because I'm muggle-born and my parents like to keep in touch. You have one as well? Good. Give me your phone and I'll give you mine; we can put our numbers in, and if you need a friend, call me!"


Hermione smiled at that and forked her phone over. She let Raina enter her number while she put her own in Raina's phone. After that was settled, Raina set about fixing Hermione up with what she needed, offering advice where needed and a shoulder, too. After another forty-five minutes, Hermione was set.


Hermione and Raina were sipping Diet Cokes when Severus popped his head in the door.


"May I come in?" Severus asked. Noticing Raina, he nodded. "As always, you are radiant, Raina. Anyone snagged you yet?"


Laughing, Raina shook her head. "No, Severus, and I'm not planning on it. I'm a widow, remember? I don't have to worry this time 'round."


Hermione looked at Raina sharply. "A widow? You didn't tell me!"


"I don't have to tell you everything, Hermione. Best friends get to have a few secrets," Raina smiled, and Hermione smiled back at her.


"Guess not, Raina. I'll ring you later, alright?"


"In a few days, I have a day off. I'll ring you tomorrow and we'll see about a visit then, alright?"


Hermione looked a bit disappointed, but she smiled anyway. "Alright. Thanks for everything, Raina."


"Of course. I'll see you later. Have a good evening, Severus," Raina addressed the man before she left to head to the other clerks.


"Hermione? Shall we? Your parents should be home by now, but we should get moving if we don't want to disturb them too late," Severus said. Hermione got up and Severus levitated her parcels to his side, shrinking each and placing each bag in a large sack that he subsequently shrunk and placed in his pocket.


"Thank you, Severus," Hermione said as they stepped into the darkening street. Witches and wizards were scurrying about, finishing their business so they could get home themselves.


"Not a problem, Hermione. I merely used a Weasley Wizarding~--"


"No, Severus, thank you for everything you've done today. For ~-- just, thanks, alright?" Hermione said, looking up at Severus, who nodded without another word. "We do need to get going, I guess."


"Ah, yes, before we head for your parents," Severus said, taking Hermione to a side street, looking around. "I have something for you, but I think we need a bit of privacy."


Neither witch nor wizard made notice of the mosquito that was curiously hovering but not biting.


"What?" Hermione asked, her eyes suspicious.


"Stop worrying, Hermione. 'Tis merely a trinket, not a flubberworm. I am trying to do this right," Severus said, kneeling down on one knee. "Miss Hermione Jane Granger, will you be so kind as to help me fulfill the Ministry of Dunderhead's latest edict of idiocy and be my wife?"


Hermione cracked up as she nodded. "Severus."


He smiled up at her, and her laughter stopped.


"You're beautiful like that. You should do it more often."


Severus quirked an eyebrow at her and gave her a mockery of a smile.


"On second thought, I want to be able to pick you out of a crowd."


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AN: I make a lot of food references, don't I? I'm one of those people who are always hungry, and that's why, I think.