The Price Of Knowledge

The Price of Knowledge



Chapter Nineteen



Life was getting very, very complicated.

When I left Draco, I hesitated before I kissed him goodbye. The reason for my hesitation eluded me – I didn’t really want to leave him, but I feared what would have happened if I had spent the night with him.

When I left, I felt sluggish, weighed down by my thoughts. A dull ache had settled into the back of my skull and echoed through my veins down my spine. I had to sit down when I reached my room. I lay down on my bed, closed the bed curtains and made a list.

The recent events in my life came into a full circle. It started with the fateful night. It started with Draco.

I found desire. I chose to explore my discovery. In doing so, I had changed. My appearance, my demeanor, my interests and especially my priorities. I was different.

People noticed this. Parvati made a pass. Ron and Harry were staring at me strangely. Professor McGonagall had been disappointed when I started to fall behind in assignments. These changes were evident.

Draco noticed and thus I returned to the start again. The contract. The first night. The addition. It was only fitting that the one who initiated my change help evolve it.

Harry found out. Harry felt betrayed. Ron sided with Harry, and Ginny was wise to something amiss. My friends…I couldn’t go to them. I had made my proverbial bed…and now was sleeping in it. Or rather, doing something else entirely.

And Draco…he said he was falling in love with me. What did that mean? What was love? How could I be so unsure and him so certain?

I folded my list and put it under my pillow. I stared at the canopy absentmindedly until I felt into a listless sleep.


I had been dreaming I was running down staircases fighting with swords when I woke suddenly, startled awake by a familiar shriek, “Hermione Granger, up you!”

My eyes shot open immediately.

She found me. Bugger. My eyes hit the clock. It was late morning. Had I slept so long?

I sat up, rubbing my eyes. “Oi, Ginny. What time is it?” I was cool, I was collect. The opposite of my insides.

“Time for you to confess.” Ginny’s eyes were flashing, but her tone was firm. “You have been avoiding me.”

“Maybe,” I admitted reluctantly.

“You’re fighting with Harry and neither of you are telling anyone why.”

“Maybe.”

Ginny jumped onto my bed and drew her wand. I winced when she cast a quick silencing spell around us – violent hexes were her specialty after all. “And you are getting shagged. Don’t maybe that one, I already know you are, so no fibs.”

Damn her for being right. “Yes.”

“And who?”

“The who is irrelevant,” I said honestly. “Things have changed, I have changed, Ginny. And it’s not because I am shagging someone. It’s because I wanted the change, and I won’t apologize for it.”

Ginny raised her hands, a gesture of peace. “All right. Then I would like an explanation. I want to understand.”

I rubbed at my forehead and sat up in bed. Might as well be as comfortable as possible as I began to tell my story, how the events unfolded and how I had come to this point.

Ginny listened very intently as I spoke – her face was blank the entire time, despite some of the more explicit scenes I described. I told her everything, from my initial explorations to the contract to Pansy – everything. I stopped at last night – I still didn’t know what to make of everything that had transpired. I paused, waited for her to speak.

“Do you love him?”

That was apparently the question of the day.

“I don’t not fancy him.” I said carefully. “But does that matter?”

“I don’t know, does it?”

I frowned. “That’s not fair, Ginny.”

“But it does. It’s Malfoy. He’s not misunderstood. He’s a prat. Always been. He’s a son of a Death Eater. Did your brain jump ship and move south? What are you thinking?”

“You asked me to explain and I did. I told you the truth and you piss on it!” I could feel my throat start to swell. I expected harsh judgment from Harry. He’s always been self-righteous and thickskulled. But from Ginny, one of the only people who could have understood…I could feel my chest tighten. This was a mistake, I shouldn’t have said anything to her, I should have hexed first-

“Does he care about you?”

“Aye, he does.” I sighed. “He told me he’s in love with me.”

“Blimey.” Ginny’s jaw dropped. “And you’re just using him for sex.”

I was taken aback again. “That’s not true, I-”

“I’ve been listening, Hermione. You said yourself you wanted to learn more, and he was willing. You said, and I quote: ‘I don’t not fancy him.’ What does that mean? I’m all for self exploration, I give you my blessing, and I’ll lend you some of my catalogues, but when you draw in another person, that is just being cruel. If you don’t care for him in that way, you have to tell him. Draco doesn’t have the best…reputation, but he deserves a forward answer. Doesn’t it bother you to be sneaking around? You used to resent dishonesty, yet you are now basically living a lie.”

Ginny rose to her knees. “I can appreciate a lot of what you have told me, and can relate, but at least I’m not avoiding reality. Tell Draco how you really feel. Come clean about this sordid affair. Stop sidestepping your friends-”

“Hold it!” I cut her off, jerking her back down by her wrist. “My friends – the ones who thought I was a sexless bookworm? The ones who laughed at the prospect of anyone being attracted to me? Laughed at my being a prude? This is the same disagreement I had with Harry.”

“Except I’m not hurt by your sleeping with Draco. In some bizarre way, I understand why. I have never called you any of those names, or held you to any standard besides being a loyal, courageous person, which up until this point, I thought you were. What you’re doing is sneaky and shady. That I don’t like. When you are ready to revert back, you know where I am.” Ginny shrugged off my hold and stepped away. I watched her close the door softly and I refused to get upset.

I expected Ginny to get upset, I kept telling myself. I just didn’t expect she would have felt…like that.

Since when did everything get so complicated!? Who said I had to have a relationship with Draco in the open for people to scrutinize over? Why did I have to air out my personal life? Why couldn’t I just keep everything to myself? Why involve anyone else? Why, why, why!!!

I turned over and screamed into my pillow. That didn’t make me feel better. I grudgingly rose from bed and made my way into the shower. I made myself come under the warm water, but the release was bittersweet. It was true – once you were having sex, going back to one on one action wasn’t enough. It was disappointing.

I threw on trousers, a camisole and a cardigan, cast a quick drying charm on my hair and decided to study at the library. Studying used to center me; I used to revel in the written word. I found my neglected knapsack, buried under a pile of Lavender’s jumpers. I held my head high when I went through the common room, catching Ron in the corner of my eye.

The Library was bustling with activity – even for a rainy, dreary Sunday. My usual table in the corner was actually full – full of Draco surrounded by Slytherin girls.

For someone who didn’t not fancy Draco, why was there this sudden burst of heat rising up my collar as I watched the girls flirt with him, bat their eyes and giggle. I slipped into the stacks and watched as they hung on his every word. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing – it was everything I hated about female mating behavior. It was one giant display of vapidity. When I had read about it I had only thought it was joke, but seeing it, I couldn’t believe how upset it made me; not because it was pompous…but because I was…jealous.

That bile in the back of my throat had a name.

I watched Millicent lean forward, and drape her arm over Draco’s shoulders, whispering something likely suggestive in his ear. He shrugged, and she laughed. I turned around and let out the breath I never realized I was holding.

Maybe it was better to let Draco go like this. Let him be swooped off by the hordes of pretentious, narcissistic, unimaginative teenage girls who probably had not read a book from cover to cover. Just as well. I could find someone else. Maybe someone older.

Maybe Draco wasn’t just some meal ticket.

“Are you watching him?”

I jumped a mile when I heard his voice. “Harry! You scared me.”

Harry stepped forward, hands in his pockets, then turned towards the study tables. “Pretty good view here. He’s got quite the following. Wonder how they would take it knowing it was you that Draco fancied.”

My eyes narrowed. “Is the only reason you’re talking to me is to be a prick? Because you’re doing a bang-up job.”

“They are all pretty to look at, but not much going on upstairs.” Harry shrugged. “But I hear you all have something in common.”

I could feel my face burn and I turned sharply. “And what is that, Harry Potter?”

“You all become tarts when he’s around.”

And the heat and fire in me exploded – and my fist aimed hard and furious into Harry’s face. “Don’t you ever say anything like that to me again!”

The low voices suddenly were silenced by the spectacle. Students began to come closer, gathering to hear the argument. I immediately began to regret my outburst. People were going to talk, and they were going to wonder…and this would just be attention I really didn’t want. Chairs shifted, feet shuffled. We had an audience.

“Why? Because you can’t face the truth?” Harry sneered.

“What do you know about the truth?” I cried, drawing my wand and pointing it straight at his chest.

“Hermione’s going to hex Harry!”

“I thought they were best mates!”

“Blimey! Did he get clocked by a girl?”

Harry stepped forward, his green eyes burning into mine, challenging. He was angry. I was angry. My wand was jabbing him in the chest. He was pushing all the right buttons at the wrong time.

“Something going on, Potty?” Of all people, it had to be Draco who came in between us. Draco met my eyes warily. Harry pushed him off as if he had been burned.

“I don’t know, Malfoy. You tell me. You tell all of us. What is going on here?” Harry sneered, his handsome face twisted in disgust and anger. He was ugly when he was mad.

Draco’s eyebrow rose. “I think you’re being a fucking ponse and making a scene.”

“This is between Gryffindors, thanks,” Harry said. “Although I know how involved you like to be, especially with matters concerning our dear, sweet, chaste Hermione Granger.”

I growled low in my throat. The hypocritical arse hole. I was ready to throw my best right hook again when it was Draco who beat me to it. I don’t know who was more surprised – myself or the crowd. Draco’s first collided with Harry’s nose, sending a stream of blood forward. Harry buckled forward, cursing.

My heart stopped beating. Oh my God. Draco had just defended me against Harry. In front of everyone. Oh my God.

“What is going on here?!?” Yet another voice I didn’t want to hear – Madam Pince. “Potter, Malfoy, Granger – all of you! Dumbledore’s office this instant!” She whirled around to glare at all of the other students. “The rest of you! This is a library, a place for study. If you wish to fraternize then off to your common rooms. I’ll not have it here.”

“Sorry, Madam Pince,” I offered, lowering my wand. A deep sense of dread and shame filled me. In front of everyone…

“I imagine so, Miss Granger.” She clucked her tongue distastefully. “I’m still very disappointed that you, of all people, would be caught fighting. Very unbecoming of the Head Girl.”

My heart sunk. Madam Pince, who let me stay unsupervised in her beloved library, who once referred to me as a kindred spirit, was disappointed by me. I watched her cast a quick healing spell on Harry’s bleeding nose and she handed him a lacy handkerchief. “Is it possible you can all make it to the Headmaster’s office without fighting?”

“Yes, Madam Pince,” I answered quickly, pushing through the crowd first. I didn’t want to look at Harry, but I wasn’t really prepared to look at Draco either. Especially since now the proverbial cat was out of the bag. People now knew there was something going on between us. If they couldn’t figure out what it was – they would speculate. I couldn’t imagine how overworked the rumor mill would be tomorrow.

I didn’t even know how I felt about him, and by tomorrow the entire school would be assuming we were getting married. Buggers, the whole lot of ‘em!

Stupid, stupid, stupid! I curse myself as I tore down the wall. Draco was hot on my heels, and Harry kept a safe distance behind, although I could feel his stare burning into my back. I was steaming – Harry crossed the line today. He not only crossed it, he incinerated the rest of it, and any chances of our friendship being restored. Fuck him! Fuck Harry Potter and Ginny and the whole school! Fuck Draco for telling me he loved me, fuck my body for being so eager! Bugger, shite, arse, fuck, fuck, fuck!

I stopped sharp in front of the gargoyle in front of Dumbledore’s office.

“Hermione,” Draco said my name so softly I almost didn’t catch it.

My face felt like it was on fire. I imagine steam was blowing from my ears. “Mint Humbugs.” Dumbledore and his silly passwords. They used to make me smile. Today I just wanted to scream.

I went up quickly, Draco following close behind. I stepped into the Headmaster’s office and took a deep breath. His office smelled of burning food and peppermint. It was almost soothing.

“Miss Granger, Mr. Malfoy. Please take seats while we wait for Mr. Potter.”

I sat down by the fire and wrapped my arms around myself, although I wasn’t cold. I met Draco’s eyes, but his face was unreadable.

Harry entered a moment later, his aura aflame with displeasure. He didn’t sit. “Sir.”

“So, who would like to start?” Dumbledore sat at his desk, palms together, almost as if he was in prayer. He was dressed in robes that reminded me of the midnight sky – they even had stars that twinkled on them. His voice was light, and his expression neutral.

“Potter got smart with Granger, I intervened.” Draco was the first to speak. “That’s pretty much it.”

“She hit me, then Draco hit me.” Harry retorted. “I need to go see Madam Pomfrey.”

I remained quiet. I could already tell this wasn’t going to end well.

“A moment, Mr. Potter, and then you can go.” Dumbledore said gently. “What did you say to Miss Granger that provoked Mr. Malfoy?”

“I simply pointed out that she had been making poor choices lately, sir.” Harry said, and sounded like he believed it.

“Is this true, Miss Granger?”

I hesitated. “Yes sir. I lost my temper. I did hit Harry, and I apologize.” I didn’t even look in Harry’s direction. “It was wrong of me. Draco misinterpreted the situation, and was trying to come to my aid. He should be free to go – he was simply trying to defend me.”

Dumbledore seemed pensive. He pressed a long bony finger to his lips. “That may be so, but violence is never the solution. Mr. Malfoy, you are to spend the rest of the day in your chambers, writing a three-foot essay on why it isn’t. You will also be serving a week of detention with Professor Snape as penance for this act. As well, fifty points will be taken from Slytherin.”

Draco’s face was still expressionless. A week of detention was quite a hefty fine, and on top, Draco had lost his House a lot of points. Slytherins were notorious for ostracizing point-losers. I envied him – I didn’t want to know what my sentence would be.

“Is there anything else you’d like to add, Mr. Malfoy?”

“No, sir,” Draco said softly.

“Very well. You may go.” Dumbledore nodded towards the door. Three sets of eyes watched him rise from his seat and head out the door, even his footsteps silent against the cold stone floor.

As my eyes roamed back to face forward, I locked gazes with Harry. He just shook his head at me.

“Mr. Potter. You and Miss Granger are having a personal disagreement, are you not?”

“I suppose you could say that.”

“Then I propose you write her a five foot essay explaining your feelings on why you are so hurt by her actions. Although we all know you did not raise your hand as Miss Granger or Mr. Malfoy, you did yield a tongue laced with venom. Words are powerful means, and can be stronger than magic at times.” Dumbledore paused. “But this you already know. So, being that your attack on Miss Granger was intended to be cruel, I have no choice but to assign a loss of 50 points to your House and a week of detention with Filch. There are rivalries between houses, there should not be difficulties between them. You may go see Madam Pomfrey now, Mr. Potter.”

Harry bowed his head and nodded. “Yes, sir.” He didn’t cast any looks my way as he left, his shoulders slumped. Detention with Filch…I’d take a million of Professor Snape’s detentions over one with Filch. Good. I was glad the toad got what he deserved.

Which left me alone with the all-knowing Albus Dumbledore. I cast my gaze into the fire.

“Miss Granger. I suppose you know why you are the last to leave my office,” he began softly.

“I am Head Girl, I am the most accountable for my actions,” I answered with as sigh.

“This is true,” Dumbledore agreed. “You were chosen to be Head Girl because you are intelligent, practical, capable. You are trusted to know the difference between right and wrong and judge fairly. Lately, you have been distracted, and not performing as hoped.”

Uh oh.

“You’ve been caught fighting, skipping classes, failing to hand in assignments. This is hardly behavior we expect from you. You are a young woman with so much potential, and I would hate, as I imagine most of your professors and classmates would agree, to have any of it wasted.” Dumbledore stood, moving from behind his desk to reach over and pet Fawkes – who cooed. “Over the years, many brilliant minds have entered these walls, and even in their first year, I knew what they would become. Every person radiates energy, some more strongly than others. Your destiny is for great things, Miss Granger, and your path fairly smooth.”

Dumbledore turned and his gaze met my own. “I encourage you to remember that. These recent events are merely distractions - bumps in the road, will you – and ultimately you must overcome them and see beyond. I hate for something to transpire that would lead you off your fated path.”

What the-

“Under different circumstances, I would be relieving you of your position. Being that it is almost school year end and you were the only female student eligible, you are retaining your title as Head Girl. But, in light of recent events, you will be punished accordingly. As of today, you are now subject to the same curfew as the other students. Professors and Mr. Zabini will take over your nightly patrols. You can no longer take points for transgressions. Your Restricted Section privileges will also be revoked, as well as you will now only be able to enter the library between the hours of 3 and 8 o’clock.”

Ouch. There went all the privileges of being head girl. And the reduced library time – how was I going to research most of my assignments? Madam Pince had a ten book maximum that you could take to the dorms with you. I was toast!

“Miss Granger, the sentence is light compared to some that I have given for similar infarctions. I encourage you, please, desist from this path. There will be a better time in your life when opportunity will not be knocking at your proverbial door, and you can explore these nuances then. Return to the way you have always been - the respectable, studious young woman we all trust and know.”

I stared into the fire for what seemed like a long moment – not trusting myself to look into his eyes. I wasn’t prepared for him to read into me. Not with the squall brewing inside my mind, the storm of discontent fueled by his words.

“I hope I have given you something to think about. You have you leave, Miss Granger.” Dumbledore smiled so earnestly, his eyes twinkling; one would almost think a stern talking to from him concluded all dalliances. After all, who defied the will of Albus Dumbledore?

I left his office feeling a fire in my veins, knowing the answer after that little encounter: me.


Tbc…