Shiver

I spend the entire week hiding in my room.

Recovering, I say, from my injury.

Really, I’m hiding.

I don’t want to go back to class. I don’t want to see another Slytherin, I don’t want to endure more humiliation and more reminders of my own inadequacy.

I lay curled in a ball, staring at nothing, feeling the same feelings of self hatred that have been following me ever since the war.

Why me, why do I live when better people died?  Me, who can’t even stop a pervert from feeling up? Me, who seems to like being treated like that.

Another part of me, the saner part of me knows that it isn’t my fault. This is logical.  But I can’t ignore my feelings, however much they conflict with this logic.

It is so easy to say you accept the facts.... but feelings…maybe those are my problem. I feel too much.  I know everything that has happened to me is not my fault.  I know I may have prevented this if I spoke sooner, before it became this complicated and twisted.  But I was afraid, or maybe I was proud then, but now…now I’m afraid.

Terrified.

Malfoy stood there, and was encouraged by the nurse to do what he did to me. She didn't know, of course, but he knew, I know now that he knew...I couldn't stop him. 

What do i do?  Oh god...

And there are several  weeks before the holiday.

How many times will this happen? 

I'm in trouble.  I know I am.

Every time I close my eyes I can see him.  Nestled between my legs like he belongs there.  So sick.  So completely wrong.

And I let him…

I roll over and punch the bed, trying to make the images go away but they keep replaying like some kind of movie. Again and again.

I wish I was dead, I do, so i didn't have to see it. So I wouldn't have to feel it.

And I can’t even get up. I hate myself. I hate that I am like this. I want to be strong. I want things to go back to the way they used to be. I’m drowning in self-pity, and everyone can see it, and they don’t want to be anywhere near someone as messed up as me.

I don’t blame them.

A new wave of tears comes on, and I bite my hand to stop the sounds.  I hate what I’ve become, and I pray to God that I can be brave, and get myself out of this, but I don’t know what to do.

__________

What do you think???  Please Review. I know, I'm greedy.  I've taken such a long break but please review patient readers!

I think the story will really start to move soon, laying the grounds for everything that leads up to the future you read in the first chapter.

Gods & Monsters is on pause until I finish this...I tried but can't write them at the same time because the characters are very different in each one, and the style is different (this being first person, and my first 'first person' so hurrah for experiments!)