The Firewhisky In The Punch

A/N: I think I might have hit a new low in crack!fiction with this one. I used a quote from an episode of Futurama. In the episode, there are items that being unbent or bent in odd ways and the team catches Bender in the act of doing it. Enjoy!

Quote: You were sleep bending! I've been sleep bending since I was born.

Story: Sleep Bending


Harry sat down gingerly at the breakfast table. Hermione and Ron exchanged worried glances. "Harry, mate. Are you sure you were fine after that last raid?" Ron asked, being the brave one.

Harry nodded, confused himself. "Yeah. I did some stretches before bed to make sure I wouldn't cramp up in my sleep."

Hermione hummed to herself, thinking. "And you didn't have sex with Draco last night?"

Harry blushed brightly. "No! He was asleep when I got in."

Again, Ron and Hermione exchanged worried glances. Draco came into the room. "Morning." He yawned, touching Harry's shoulder as he walked by.

He got a cup of coffee and sat down next to Harry. "Everything okay?"

"No, my arse feels like we've been buggering and we haven't the entire week!" Harry said.

Draco looked shocked for a moment before turned a hot red and ducking his head. He groaned. "Bugger."

"What?" Hermione asked.

Ron, at the same time, said, "You were sleep bending!"

Harry and Hermione both turned to Ron even as Draco groaned again. "What?" Hermione asked.

"He's been sleep bending!" Ron said.

Harry and Hermione blinked owlishly. Draco lifted his head. "It's true. I've been sleep bending since I was born."

"What are you two talking about?" Hermione demanded.

Draco was still a deep red. "It's a pure-blood curse. No one knows where it came from or even why. It's when--"

"A gay wizard buggers in his sleep!" Ron finished.

"And it's called sleep bending?" Harry asked, incredulous.

"Sure, bent is another word for gay," Ron said. "Where do you think the Muggles got it?"

Hermione shook her head. Harry turned to Draco. "So we were fucking when we were sleeping?"

Draco nodded. "Yes."

~~~

Harry sat up in bed suddenly, heart thudding. He was dazed for a few moments, so he didn't hear Draco sit up as well. "What?" he asked.

"I said are you okay?" Draco asked.

Harry nodded and then shook his head. "Sleep bending."

"Huh?"

"Nothing, never mind," Harry said. "Just don't ever wake me up again by sucking or fucking me."

Draco raised an eyebrow, but shrugged. "All right. I suppose."

As they settled down, he could've sword he heard Harry say, "Sleep bending, bugger me." He wondered exactly what Harry's nightmare had been about.