All That You Leave Behind

Hi! Angst here. Thanks to all our reviewers, particularly Ssserpensssotia, to whom this chapter is dedicated. For those of you who have made comments or expressed concerns about the Harry/Ginny aspect of this story, rest assured that it will eventually be Harry/Severus, even though it'll take a while to get there. This is the primary relationship of the story; Harry/Ginny is the secondary. You can blame me for that, as Queen isn't exactly a fan of Harry/Ginny either, but it is conducive to the story!

Oh, and by the way, Ssserpensssotia, you need to leave us your e-mail for updates!


Chapter 17

Severus had sat silently staring at the fire after Harry's outburst, brooding to himself over what had been said. The boy had called him a hypocrite, and perhaps he was, but how could he ever begin to explain how immeasurably sad it made him to think that this bright boy was so willing to chain himself to him when he should be out enjoying his celebrity, concentrating on his Auror training, and planning his future with his equally bright fiancee? It was true that he was free of Voldemort's chains, but he'd been foolish to think he could ever have a real life. Marry? Have children? Who would have him? And who could he possibly want when the love of his life was cold in her grave all these years, his heart along with her? Why couldn't the boy understand that in the face of such emptiness, death was not only welcome, it was infinitely preferrable?

The boy had remained sitting at the table lost in his own thoughts while Severus pondered the wreck of both his lives, but now a strange, strangled sound brought his attention back to him. Severus looked up in time to see the boy swipe angrily at his eyes under his glasses, and his heart wrenched painfully.

"No....Harry....," he said despairingly, "don't..."

"I'm sorry," the boy gasped, trying manfully to control his tears, "n-niether of us thought you deserved to d-die the way you did, but....Hermione, she .....she did it for me. I didn't know she was g-going to, but....even if I had........I wouldn't have stopped her. I never stopped to think how....how you might feel about it.....only how I felt about it." He took his glasses off and swiped at his eyes again, his mouth set grimly. "J-just like I didn't stop to think about h-how you'd feel about me going to the M-Minister.....or....today when I lost my temper and ......shouted at the Minister that V-Voldemort had murdered you, and....Kingsley had to obliviate the Minister, his boss, and then....dress me down in the corridor after. H-he told me....told me that he didn't have room in his office for.......for an Auror who didn't think before he acted........" A terrible sound escaped the boy, something between a gulp and a sob, and the tears flowed faster, but he continued on. "And...I realised....you'd been telling me th-the same thing...for almost h-half my life....and I still hadn't learned! I don't think first...I always just barrel in....and never stop to think about how anybody else feels! You...you always said I was.....selfish.....and a-arrogant....and you were right! Just like my f-father.....he never stopped to think about what his actions did to you either, and.....I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm selfish, I was selfish and I never thought about what you wanted or what you felt about any of this,....and this is selfish too, but...." The tears couldn't be stopped now, and the boy turned to look at Severus, the emerald eyes, Lily's eyes, pleading. "You have to want to live, you have to because...because I need you! It's selfish again, but I need you, you're....you're who's looked after me all these years...who, who kept me alive...who guided me and......you're all I have left of my mother......you're all I have left of.....anything."

Harry doesn't deserve to be left alone in the world.

Albus Dumbledore's words came back to Severus and he tried pushing them away, but the truth of them wouldn't let him. But what about him, Severus? He'd wanted to die, to be left in peace, unable and not wanting to face more years without his beloved Lily, endless years spent alone, unwanted and uneeded now that his duty was done. It was what he'd wanted, but that had been taken away as well, just like Lily had been taken, like everything had been taken.

Harry doesn't deserve to be left alone in the world.

Niether do I, Old Man! Severus thought viciously, you've taken everything, everything! All you've left me is this boy, this boy who...who....needed him. Severus looked up at the boy, the boy with his beloved's eyes, who'd said Severus was all he had left in this world of his mother, all he had left of anything, and.....Severus realised, the boy was all he too had left.

You can give Harry his family

Albus had said, but maybe....maybe Harry could give Severus something too? If he did as the boy asked, and continued to guide him, look after him, continue attempting to teach him something, tell him about his mother and father, maybe the boy could give him something in return? Something he needed? And he did need, he realised, he needed the boy as much as they boy needed him. For a reason to live this life that had been thrust upon him.

To not be alone.

Silently, Severus got up and walked to the table, those emerald eyes following him all the way. He took out his wand and set it on the table in front of Harry, hoping he realised he was handing him more than just his wand.

Harry watched the man approach him and silently lay down his wand, eyes on him the whole time. He nearly sobbed anew with relief. The man understood then, forgave him for being selfish yet again. Wouldn't abandon him.

And Harry wouldn't abandon the man either. His tears stopped, his resolve returning.

He reached out and grasped the man's wand, looked up into those endless dark eyes and whispered, "I'll take good care of it for you. I promise," and the man nodded.

As he turned and walked off towards the stairs, Harry heard him say, "I know you will."


*****************


Harry walked slowly into the Ministry of Magic. Severus had been cleared of all charges during his hearing, which had taken place two days ago. Severus had been smuggled in and back out with the greatest of secrecy, but his wand had remained at the Ministry until the formal pardon was issued. And that was why Harry was back, rubbing his aching shoulders, he was here to collect the other's wand.

Personally, he would have been glad to not have to step foot in the place for at least another year, as the trial had been, well, a trial.

Severus' memories had been paraded and trampled on as if they were nothing of consequence. Each had been thoroughly tested to ensure no alterations had taken place, and none had seemed to acknowledge that reliving these reminicises might be upsetting for Severus, and others in the room. After nearly three hours of Snape's mind being thoroughly explored, they had retreated to deliberate. Quite what they had to think about, Harry couldn't say. The memories were genuine, Snape hadn't murdered Dumbledore, it had been a mercy killing, planned with the great wizard himself. What in the name of Merlin's beard was wrong with them?

After they had discussed it for over an hour the Wizengamot had finally returned to deliver the only possible verdict. Even knowing what the outcome must be, Harry had been nervous. Not one of the wizards had even looked at Severus as they had cleared him, and that, more even than the disrespect they had shown had made Harry's blood boil. Still, he remindedd himself, that had been earleir this week. Now all he had to do was get the wand, sign a receipt, and get out of there.

He bit back a sigh of irritation. He still remembered the dressing down he had received from Kingsley, and was really working hard to control his emotions, in public at least. Finally, nearly half an hour after the appointment time, a minor official had come forward, walking as if he had all the time in the world. "Mr. Potter?" he had asked, although he must have known.

Harry nodded tightly, not trusting himself not to make some sarcastic comment.

"Follow me." The other said, his tone just veering on the edge of rudeness.

Harry forced himself to slow down, as his usual pace meant he kept catching this man's heels. After he had caught the other for a third time, and muttered a third "Sorry," the other had turned around and glared.

"The errand you are on is of a sensitive nature. I would have thought you would have appreciated that."

Harry's jaw clenched. "Errand"? It made him sound like a naughty child collecting a note form a teacher, not a trainee Auror! He swallowed angrily, and nodded.

After a long slow walk down a seemingly endless corridor, Harry had finally been ushered into a small dingy office.

"Sign here," the wizard said, holding out a piece of parchment.

"No," Harry answered, "Not until I have Severus' wand."

The official grumbled but produced the wand from a drawer in his desk. Harry took it, checked it was the one he had given Severus, and signed his name. "Thank you," he said, with only minimal sarcasm in his tone.

He spun on his heel and quickly left, hurrying back the way he had come until he could apparate away, back to Spinner's End. Back to Severus.

Harry entered the small house to find Snape sitting in the living room, sipping at a foul looking brew. "Urgh!" Harry cried, "What is that?!"

Severus raised a black brow, shaking the white locks from around his face, "Dragon Scale Tea," he responded, "I find it most soothing."

"Each to his own posion," Harry shuddered, and unceremoniously drew out the wand. "Yours, I believe?"

Severus smiled over his cup and took his wand as he took another sip.