Torn - Repost

TITLE: Torn
AUTHOR: Ravenkiss
STATUS/PART: 18/?
EMAIL: Ravenkiss2000@yahoo.com
RATING: NC17
PAIRING: SS/RL, SS/RH
SPOILERS: COS, POA, GOF,OOP
WARNINGS: AU, M/M Slash, Rape, Violence
DISCLAIMER: None of this belongs to me, JKR owns the entire world.
SUMMARY: All is not well with Severus.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: A look at fear.
BETA: Sylvadin

Part - 18

Late Tuesday morning just after breakfast, Severus Snape was discharged from the infirmary.

Some might call it a momentous occasion. This was the first time since his days as a student that the Potions Master had actually been discharged by Madame Pomfrey and not simply slipped out of the ward when she was not looking.


Poppy had been shocked when she walked in from breakfast and found him sitting quietly on the bed waiting for her to arrive. It was a little disquieting to the mediwitch to see him being so co-operative. As difficult as it was for her to fathom, she was almost disappointed that he had not bolted the instant that her back was turned. It was just so...'un-Snapelike' for him to wait for permission.

Hoping against hope, when she realised that he was acting in such an uncharacteristically meek manner, she could not keep herself from suggested that he speak to the Rape Crisis Counsellor from St Mungo's.


"I am not insane!" he hissed angrily. Quite suddenly the meekness disappeared, replaced by his all too familiar defensive manner, complete with arms folded across his chest and patented death glare.


"Of course you are not," she sighed. "But you have been subjected to a traumatic experience. The counsellor can help you understand your feelings."


"Understand my feelings! I have no need of some damned busy body telling me that it is all right to cry and act like a simpering fool." Snape gave her a look that would have curdled milk.


"Severus, please..."

"Absolutely not!"


She was well aware that her feelings were very unprofessional, but at that moment Pomfrey wanted to throttle him! She was not pleased in the slightest, but in the end could only shake her head sadly. Having been aquainted with Severus Snape for over twenty years she knew better than to attempt to force him to do anything he did not want to do. She only wished that he would allow himself to accept the help that he so desperately needed.


One day he would have no choice but to accept the fact that he would not be able to heal himself by simple bull-headed stubbornness. She could only pray that this revelation happened sooner rather than later for not only his own sake but also for Remus, Hagrid and the baby.

With a sigh she gave him a list of do's and don't's for him to follow and renewed his supply of maternity vitamin potions. At least she had been able to extract a promise that he would contact her immediately if he had any problems or concerns and set an appointment for him to see a specialist in male pregnancy the next week. Then somewhat reluctantly, Poppy sent him on his way.


The one thing that really surprised Severus as he moved silently through the dungeon corridors was the fact that neither Remus, nor Hagrid had been at the door of the infirmary waiting for him. But when he passed a large grandfather clock in the hallway he took note of the time and he realised that they would both be in class. Poppy must have kept his suitors at bay earlier in that morning to allow him to sleep.


If he remembered correctly, on Tuesdays Hagrid had classes until lunchtime while Remus would have a free period at eleven. This left Severus roughly two hours to himself before the Defence professor showed up on his doorstep.

And the Potions Master had no doubt whatsoever that Remus would seek him out just as soon as his class ended.


Snape was glad of the reprieve. He needed time alone to think. Today he had a lot to think about before the werewolf inevitably dropped by to check on him. Remus surely knew that he had agreed to have dinner with Hagrid.

How would he react? Would the new, more assertive, and sometimes more infuriating Remus Lupin be jealous?

Severus was not blind. He was well aware of how Remus and Hagrid reacted to one another. They were like a pair of hippogriff stallions vying for the attentions of a reluctant mare.


Even as that thought came to mind he bristled since this scenario cast him in the role of the 'mare'. However, as he rubbed a hand over his belly, he realised that whether he like it or not, it was an apt comparison.


It was still hard to believe that he was actually going to be on a date with Hagrid.


It was a date. What else could he call it? He would be eating at the gamekeeper's home, spending several hours alone with him. The thought sent a tremor of fear through the Potions Master. A ridiculous fear he told himself, even as his mind reminded him over and over again that Hagrid would never dream of harming him.

Despite his trepidation about the upcoming meeting with Remus, Severus had felt fairly good as he walked into his room. It was dark, cool and familiar. It was home.


But even as he closed the door behind him, the Potions Master felt a sudden stab of fear in his heart. Beads of sweat broke out on his forehead as he folded his arms over his chest. His eyes darted around the room, but found nothing amiss. With an extreme act of will, Severus forced his legs to move forward, but the further he got into the sitting room, the more insistent the oppressive, almost crippling fear became.


He froze in his tracks and looked around, as if he expected someone, or something to leap out of the shadows and attack him at any moment!

But still Snape saw nothing.

The room was dark and quiet as a tomb. The portrait of Salazar Slytherin was not even in his frame. He could not see anything out of place. Yet his breathing was becoming ragged and droplets of sweat trickled down his neck. A cold chill swept over him and he began to shake.

Quickly his entire thin frame began to tremble almost violently with fear. Severus wrapped his arms more tightly around himself as he attempted to hold the growing terror at bay. The Slytherin panted as he felt stone walls closing in on him.


"There is nothing here," he told himself breathlessly. "It is alright, we are safe." His hand went to his belly to reassure the being within him, as if it were the child not Snape himself on the verge of panic.


He could see no danger, there was no threat, and yet with each passing second the fear grew stronger.


Every shadow in the room seemed to become longer, darker, and more sinister by the second. Tendrils of blackness reached out menacingly towards him. "There is nothing here!" he shouted to the empty room. "THERE IS NOTHING HERE!"


By the time the echo of his voice faded, Severus Snape was out the door and down the hall at a run!


Almost knocking over several shocked students, Severus bounded up the stairs. Paintings along the walls marvelled at the man's agility as he leapt from a second floor landing to the retreating staircase. He took the stairs three at a time in his mad race away from the dungeon.


Madam Pomfrey was shocked when Severus burst through the door and stumbled at her feet. He wrapped his long arms tightly around her waist, buried his face in her hip and sobbed.


Once over her initial shock the mediwitch looked down at the trembling man. With an effort she held her tongue and kept at bay an angry lecture about his continued refusal to speak to a counselor. Recriminations would not help now, so she did the only think that she could. She held his trembling form and rocked him gently.


After a few minutes, a very concerned Albus Dumbledore appeared in the doorway. He gave Poppy a quizzical look as she comforted the hysterical Snape. She shrugged, unsure what to say but motioned for him to go. 'Lock the door,' she mouthed, stroking her charge's hair. The Headmaster nodded and with some reluctance complied. He understood why she wanted to do this. She needed to take care of Severus without having Remus, Hagrid or even Dumbledore himself under foot.


It took some time before she finally calmed him enough to coax the trembling Slytherin to his feet. But he cried out as he put his full weight on his right leg. Pomfrey helped him to a bed and ran her wand over the visibly swollen thigh. "You tore a ligament," she told him gently. "I am surprised you made it all the way here on that leg. I can fix the damage, but you are going to need to use a cane again for a few days."


"S-sorry..." he whispered, head down with his face hidden by his curtain of thick black hair. She could almost feel the shame radiating off his still trembling form.


She took a vial of pain killing potion and, instead of handing it to him, held it up to his lips. He tried a glare on the mediwitch, but it would not have frightened a kitten "What happened Severus?" she asked gently after he reluctantly drank the potion.


"Obviously I have lost my mind," he answered disgustedly.


"You have not lost your mind Severus. Something caused you to panic. Do you have any idea what it was?"


"Everything, nothing," he whispered. "The moment I set foot in my room I felt as if the walls were closing in on me. I knew my fear was irrational, but I had to get out of there."


"Do you believe that there was one of Harry's traps in your room?" she asked calmly.


"No, that thought never entered my mind. I just did not feel safe," he hugged himself more tightly.


"But there was a trap here," Pomfrey noted.


"That does not seem to matter," admitted the Slytherin. He was not sure where she was going with this statement. "All I know is that I do not feel afraid here as I did in my room." He snorted derisively. "Just a few months ago I faced down a Dark Lord. Now I cannot even go in my own room without panicking. I have turned into a bloody coward!"


"That is not true and you know it." The mediwitch placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. He tensed at the touch, but did not pull away. "You need help to come to grips with what has happened to you."


"I should have more control," Severus whispered.


Madam Pomfrey turned and took another vial of potion from a cabinet. "Sleep Severus," she said softly placed it in his hand.


"But..." That was as far as he got. She put her finger to her lips to silence him. The wizard nodded sheepishly, and drank the offered potion. Poppy was only slightly surprised that he would obey without complaint or argument. He said nothing until she walked towards the door. "Don't leave!" he gasped before he could stop himself. His face turned red even as Poppy walked back to stand beside the bed.


"I want you to sleep now, and when you wake we are going to talk about moving you to another set of rooms." Poppy expected the look of abject horror that appeared in his eyes but gently shook her head. "Severus, I spoke to the counsellor at St. Mungo's." She sighed tiredly at the look of betrayal on his face. "I had to. I needed to know how to help you, even if you do not want to let me. What she said is that when people have suffered this kind of trauma they often have problems being in or near the place where they were attacked. Their sense of security is shattered. In a way it may be worse for you Severus. You are so used to taking care of yourself, having only your own strength to rely on. But Harry got past your wards, and he hurt you in a way that no one should be forced to endure. It will be a very long time before you will begin to feel safe again anywhere."


"But I do not understand. As you said, there was a trap in this room that almost killed me. Why do I not feel the same fear here?"


"I would guess that is because you feel protected here. You do not have to rely on your wards, or your own strength. Albus, Remus and Hagrid were able to protect you here."


"I can see that," he sighed. "But to be forced out of my rooms? That suite has belonged to the head of Slytherin since Salazar himself. It feels like I am letting Potter win."


"Do not think of it that way, think of it as being practical. Do you realise that in the entire history of Hogwarts, not once has the Head of Slytherin house become pregnant? That chamber is much too small for you and the baby. There is no place for a nursery, or a child's room. However, there is a suite on the second floor that has not been used in years. They were created for twin Professors that taught here back when Albus was a boy. It has a pair of master bedrooms each with a large storeroom attached. You could turn the storeroom attached to your room into a nursery. And when the child is older you could move her into the other bedroom."


"You have put a lot of thought into this haven't you, Poppy?"


"Yes I have," the Mediwitch said gently. "It really will be better than the dungeons for the baby. There is a large bay window in each of the rooms that looks out onto the Quidditch Pitch."


"I am not quite eight weeks along, and you want to fit the child for a Quidditch uniform. Are you expect me to teach here that long?" he noted.


"Severus, I cannot picture Hogwarts without you," she said with a bright smile.


Snape yawned as the full effects of the pain potion began to claim him, but his eyes widened with shock when Madam Pomfrey settle on the bed beside him, and her gentle hands took hold of his shoulders. She eased him down until his head lay in her lap. He should have pulled away, but instead found himself becoming more relaxed as she began to stroke his hair. "Albus and I have already discussed the possibility of changing your rooms. If you agree, I can have the house elves take care of your things this afternoon. You can be settled into your new suite tonight."


"You spoke to Albus?" the Slytherin yawned again and sighed tiredly. "Go ahead and give the word then. If that meddling old man is involved with your scheme, my fate is already sealed."


"I am glad to see that you are so open to change," she laughed, still stroking his hair gently as he slowly sank into sleep.

tbc