Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: Cocoa-Snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.
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Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 18: No defense


Harry had been reading for less than an hour in Snape’s quarters before he made the decision to leave his lessons early for the night. It was two days before the start of the Christmas Holidays and he was eager for a chance to spend some time with his friends before they all left. Besides, he thought, it’s not like I’m doing anything of much of value here.

For the past four weeks, Snape had barely uttered a word to Harry. He had completely abandoned their usual lessons (Occlumency and Defense training), in favor of having Harry read on his own. But reading books was becoming tiresome and in Harry’s opinion, fruitless – as reading alone without hand-on application of the techniques could only get you so far. In fact, Snape was the one that had told him that, having himself always advocated a practical approach to Defense. But Harry hadn’t seen that Severus Snape in weeks, and Harry wondered idly if he would ever see that man again.

“I’m leaving early tonight,” Harry said boldly.

“Very well. I shall see you after the Holidays then.”

Harry wasn’t sure what surprised him more, Snape’s acquiescent demeanor or the fact that he had actually bothered to lift his head and respond.

“Oh…I’m going to be here over Christmas, sir.”

“And that concerns me how? Surely you have something else to do?”

Assuming that Snape thought he wanted the break, Harry continued, “I’d rather continue if you don’t mind, sir. And actually, I don’t have anything else to do. Ron and Hermione are both leaving and I can’t go with them, for security reasons you know.”

“As I have already said, Potter, that is none of my concern. You may go fly in circles all day for all I care,” Snape said, his eyes already locked on the pages of his book.

Harry noted that this was the longest conversation he’d had with Snape in weeks. But he could not help being puzzled. Snape was advocating over two weeks without lessons when he knew Harry would be here, perfectly able and willing to continue. This was not like Snape at all. And then it hit Harry.

“I know what you’re doing, you know,” Harry said.

“Oh, do enlighten me with your insight,” Snape mocked.

“You don’t want to see me. You’re pushing me away.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Potter. Not everything revolves around you.”

Harry was angry now. “Fine…you don’t want me anymore – I get that. I got that two months ago. But I do want you to continue teaching me.”

“A break over the Holidays won’t make the least bit of difference to your lessons.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about!” Harry snapped. “You’ve already stopped teaching me. You’ve barely looked in my direction for almost a month now – let alone spoken to me. I’m hardly learning anything. Are we not going to have any real lessons anymore?”

“Real lessons? And what precisely do you feel you are not learning, Potter?” Snape asked with an irritated tone despite the fact that his eyes betrayed his curiosity.

“Well, let’s see – what are these lessons supposed to be about? Oh, I remember,” Harry said, his voice laden with sarcasm, “How to defend myself. How to fight. How to defeat Voldemort!”

“Don’t you dare speak His name to me!” Snape hissed in fury. After taking a calming breath, Snape continued, “You are even more narcissistic than I thought you were, Potter. Are you crazy?” Snape jeered. “Is that what your plan was all along? Take lessons from me this year, learn some new spells and mediocre Occlumency and then go and face the Dark Lord and duel with him? Ha!”

“Well I’m certainly not learning anything that’s going to help me now. Why don’t you show me what I need to know? You were teaching me before!” Harry insisted.

“You think that counter-curses and wandless accio are going to help you against the Dark Lord?” Snape asked rhetorically. And then suddenly he emitted a dark, frightening sounding laugh – the harshness of it startled Harry momentarily. Snape continued, “You are more stupid than I thought, Potter.”

“Well then show me what I need to know to defend against—”

Snape interrupted Harry forcefully, spitting venomously, “There is NO defense, Potter! Don’t you get it!? There are only two things, survival and offense.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you’re too stupid to understand, then there is no point in explaining it to you. Now leave me alone!” Snape shouted.

“Show me, damn it! I’ll do anything. Just teach me,” Harry begged with desperation.

Snape snorted in disbelief. “You should be careful what you wish for, Potter. It might come true. You may be a Gryffindor, but you couldn’t handle real lessons – you would crumble. And I wouldn’t want to hurt the precious Golden Boy,” Snape sneered. “What would the Headmaster say then?”

“Nothing. He wants you to teach me and you won’t!”

“I’ve tried to teach you, you obtuse little brat!” Snape spat. “But you refuse to learn. I’m not sure what is worse, Potter, your ridiculous noble notions, or your complete incompetence.”

Harry was too angry to understand the full meaning of Snape’s words or the truth that lay behind them. “I may be incompetent, but it’s only because you’re not teaching me. You’ve completely closed yourself off from me. And the rest of the world.”

Snape’s eyes were full of anger. “I told you never to mention my personal life! This has nothing to do with me.”

Harry was seething now as well. He was tired of this game they’d been playing for weeks now. He had tried to heed Dumbledore’s words of advice, but he was sick of waiting – and waiting for what precisely? He was tired of this unrelenting stalemate they were trapped in. Harry wanted to say something, do something. Because this…this was unbearable and Harry knew in that moment that he couldn’t take one more second of this drawn out torture. And he decided to end it here and now.

“Nothing to do with you?” Harry shouted. “Oh really? You’re a mess, Snape! Look at yourself. You don’t eat, I don’t even think you bathe – you stink and you’re hair is all greasy. You barely sleep and when you do you’re screaming – I’ve heard your nightmares, you pathetic git!”

What had the boy heard? Snape wondered. He spat violently, “Why you insolent little bastard. How dare you spy on me!?”

“You know what I think?” Harry asked mockingly. “I think you were afraid to let me into your life. And now you’re afraid to be around me and teach me!”

Snape’s dark eyes flashed with a rage that startled Harry, and he realized he’d gone too far. Snape did not like being called a coward. “Don’t you EVER say that about me, Potter! I’ll show you what fear is boy…Crucio!”

Harry was on the ground in an instant, his muscles contracting forcefully in his back and chest. His nerves were burning, and then as suddenly as it began, the pain stopped, barely a second later.

Snape was speaking again, “Is this what you want, Potter? To learn?” Snape asked with a leer. “Fine, then learn! Attack or you will be attacked…that is the way of it! And as you most certainly will not be fast enough, you must first survive the attack, bear it – as you just did – and then retaliate. No defense, Potter, just survival and then offense!”

Harry was sporting a confused look.

“Does your dimwitted mind still not understand me? Attack!” Snape bellowed.

Harry hesitated. He’s telling me to curse him back. Harry raised his wand, but could not bring himself to cast the spell.

Snape pointed his wand threateningly at Harry and bellowed, “ATTACK Potter or you will be attacked. And this time I’ll leave you in agony for more than two seconds, I give you my word on that!”

Harry remained frozen.

Snape lowered his wand and sneered with contempt, “You couldn’t cast an Unforgivable if your life depended on it, Potter. How are you supposed to be the savior of the Wizarding World? If the Dark Lord only knew how weak and pathetic you really are!”

A burst of anger whipped through Harry and he heard himself mutter the spell, “Crucio.”

The spell hit Snape squarely in the chest and sent him reeling backwards momentarily. He took two steps and quickly regained his footing, apparently unaffected by the curse. He raised his head, his eyes glaring menacingly at Harry.

“What are you trying to do, Potter, give me a massage or hurt me?” Snape asked derisively.

Harry was infuriated. “I may not know how to do it yet, but I would hope I’ll be capable of something better than that pathetic excuse for Crucio you just cast on me,” Harry spat back. Why the hell am I baiting him? I must be suicidal. Harry knew full well that Snape was holding back when he had cast the Cruciatus on him. But his anger was overwhelming him and he wanted to hurt Snape – however stupid that tactic may have been.

“Not very smart of you, Potter. Are you trying to piss me off or have you just lost what little control you have?” Snape snarled, a deranged expression twisting onto his face. “Either way, you’re stupid – provoking a Death Eater! I don’t think you want to see what I’m capable of.”

And for the first time, Harry felt truly afraid. Impotent rage was burning on Snape’s face and it was a terrifying sight.

Snape’s voice lowered suddenly, and he spoke in an almost mad whisper, “Or perhaps that is what you want. Imperio!”

Harry felt himself moving forward, towards Snape. He was aware he was under the Imperius, but only because he had developed some resistance to the curse in the past. He struggled against it, but found that Snape was increasing the force of the spell every time Harry fought it. Harry found himself kneeling down on the floor in front of Snape and a voice in his head was telling him to lick Snape’s boot. I am not going to do that, Harry told himself, and fought to keep his tongue in his mouth, his face less than an inch away from Snape’s charcoal black shoe.

After a minute or so of this stalemate, Snape apparently relented and Harry heard the man’s voice speaking to him – cutting through his daze. “Too much for you, Potter? Here, I’ll make it easy on you. I’ll make you do something you want to do, something you’ve been longing for,” Snape mocked.

Harry realized his body was rising off the floor, standing up in front of Snape. He willed himself to remain still but that same voice in his head was urging him to step closer to Snape. Snape increased the intensity of the spell again, and Harry found himself obeying, listening to the voice now telling him to lean forward and kiss Snape.

Kiss Snape? Snape was right, Harry wanted to kiss him. But not like this. Never like this! Harry remained still, aware his lips were so close to the other man’s that he could feel Snape’s breath on them. He felt the spell’s force increase again, and he didn’t think he would be able to fight it. But the idea of Snape using Harry’s affections for him in this way – somehow it gave Harry the strength to resist. He felt his own magic swelling inside him and freeing himself momentarily, he raised his hand up and slapped Snape hard across the face, breaking the curse.

Snape’s face flew to the side with the force of the impact. To Harry’s surprise, a small smile crept onto the man’s lips, “Very nice, Potter! Did that feel good? How long have you been wanting to do that?”

Harry said nothing. He was panting, partly from the exertion of breaking the curse and partly from the fury-induced adrenaline pumping through his veins. Tears were threatening to spill from his eyes.

Snape saw them, and pounced on them immediately. “Oh look, little baby Potter’s going to cry,” he mocked, repeating a version of Bellatrix’s taunt. Severus, you’re a monster. Good…let Potter see it. He is so close. He’s almost there, Snape thought, taking careful measure of Harry’s emotions.

Harry could not believe Snape had just said that. His anger returned to him in full force, “Take that back!”

“No,” Snape said simply.

“Take it back or I’ll…I’ll…”

Snape weighed his options. You’re deep in it now, Severus, you might as well finish it! He taunted Harry with the nastiest tone he could muster. “You’ll do what, Potter? You’re as useless as your dogfather was. What? Did you love that mangy mutt, Potter?”

Harry felt his hatred swell. He wanted to kill Snape then and there. Make him suffer. Make him hurt. The urge overwhelmed him until he could think of nothing else, “Crucio!” Harry shouted.

And a moment later Snape was on the ground, twitching furiously. Snape’s body was screaming ‘No!’ but his mind was screaming ‘Yes!’ – thrilled by Harry’s breakthrough. The curse was lifted almost as soon as it began, however – Harry had raised his wand as soon a conscious thought had returned to him.

Barely a moment later, Snape was screaming so forcefully at Harry, it was as if he had been completely unaffected by the curse. “That was truly pathetic, Potter!” Snape hesitated a moment, trying to hide the pain in his face at the next words that were about to leave his mouth, “Can’t you do better than that…you little freak!”

Harry’s eyes widened to the size of saucers and he wasn’t even aware of the spell leaving his wand. “Crucio!” He watched as Snape’s movements on the floor resembled that of a rag doll being tossed around by a localized tornado, his back contorting in horrible ways, his muscles contracting, leaving his extremities twisting unnaturally. It looked as though Snape’s body was about to snap in two.

Oh my God, what have I done? Harry thought and shouted, “Finite incantatem!”

Slowly, but surely, Snape stood up, his body still twitching very slightly from the curse. When he looked up at Harry, Snape’s face was full of fury, but his eyes were unmistakably shining with pride, “That’s the hatred you need to carry with you every single moment of every day, so that you’re always ready, always prepared to attack.”

And barely a tick later, Snape added furiously, “Now get the fuck out of my sight!”

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A/N: Hope you like this chapter as much as I do. In this insane roller coaster ride that is my story, this chapter marks the start of the free-fall segment of the ride. You might ask, can things get any more intense than these two flinging unforgivables at each other. The answer is (I hope) yes.

Please review and let me know what you think.