Snapey Went A Courting

Snapey Went A Courting

It all belongs to Rowling, except what you don’t recognize.

Chapter Eighteen – Her Majesty’s a Pretty Nice Girl

The smoke should have been gray, but in the realm of the Faerie such a dull, lifeless color wouldn’t dare show itself. The smoke rings were lavender, tinged with a day-glo orange. Snape took another drag on the clay pipe and let the smoke go deep into his lungs before blowing a perfect smoke ring.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like something a bit stronger to smoke?”

Snape sighed and stretched out on the soft bed of moss. “I’m fine with the Coltsfoot. Believe me, Erasmus, just being here is enough to drive a man mad, why add more to the mix?”

“Just an offer,” Erasmus leaned back on a tree trunk. “But it’s not a bad job, being Queen’s consort, eh?” And he burst into song:

“Her Majesty\'s a pretty nice girl,
but she doesn\'t have a lot to say
Her Majesty\'s a pretty nice girl
but she changes from day to day
I want to tell her that I love her a lot
But I gotta get a bellyful of wine
Her Majesty\'s a pretty nice girl
Someday I\'m going to make her mine, oh yeh,
someday I\'m going to make her mine.”

Snape sat up. “And what the fuck was that?”

“Beatles,” said Erasmus indolently.

“Insects?”

“Muggle musicians. Never heard of them? A fine Wizard you are,” he snorted.

“Why in the world should a Wizard know a Muggle song?”

“Well, they are damned brilliant, they are. And British. Got to have some pride there-- even if they are Muggles. Look you’re just a mortal, but do I lord it over you?”

Snape tried to feel irritated. Then he tried to merely look annoyed. But it just wasn’t happening. Well, he thought, if you can’t beat them--

“How does that song go again?” Snape tapped out the spent herbal tobacco from his pipe against the palm of his hand.

&&&

Fria was chasing her escaped Grindylow, S’tin. It was a very naughty creature and had slipped it’s leash just when Fria was supposed to come in to bed. And now Fria was up past her bedtime trying to find him. She called out S’tin’s name and then found her pet just as it was about to sink its sharp teeth into a land dweller!

Fria knew that some of her kind would have just gone by and minded their own business. Well, that wasn’t Fria! She hissed at S’tin to get away and caught up the Witch by her hair. She knew she’d really be in trouble for not going straight home, but she didn’t care what they did to punish her—she was having an Adventure!

&&&

Hermione came into the entrance hall and collapsed to her knees trying to catch her breath. She brought her son down to her arms from where he had been bobbing overhead. Trying to stand up, she felt a stitch in her side and had to sit down to fully catch her breath.

Suddenly she found herself surrounded by House Elves. And it wasn’t just the Elves from Hogwarts either. There were hundreds of them filling the entrance hall and the marble staircase.

“Dobby, you need to find Madam Pomfrey. She needs to know that Prof. Vector has fallen in the lake!”

“Hermione Granger! Just the person!” squeaked Dobby. “Never you mind about all that.”

Just then most of the staff of Hogwarts came running in from the staff room.

“Hermione, the portrait just told us. Alicia—“ said McGonagall heading to the broom closet.

“Yes, you must hurry, Remus is trying to rescue--” Hermione huffed.

“—But Miss Granger. One of the Merfolk are taking care of her,” interrupted Winky.

Tears sprung to Hermione’s eyes. “Is she all right?”

Winky shook her head. “She’s not breathing.”

Hermione didn’t ask how the House Elves knew; they just had their ways.

McGonagall hopped onto her broom and zoomed out the door followed by Flitwick, Sprout, Filch, Pomfrey, Hooch and Sinestra on various ancient Nimbuses, Cleansweeps, Shooting Stars and one very decrepit Silver Arrow which trembled and shook, dropping straw all around.

Waldo decided to soil himself at just that moment and gave a grand yell. Two dozen House Elves volunteered for the honor of changing the young master’s nappy. A fight ensued with more House Elves jumping in to take sides. Soon whatever it was that Elves had in their veins, and it wasn’t blood, was flowing freely from various injured parties. Hermione stood up and held Waldo protectively.

There was a loud boom and a very large and surprisingly fat House Elf looked around him with a menacing glare. All stopped and were very abashed.

“Hermione Granger,” said Dobby with a low bow, “Dobby will now introduce Archibald, Union Boss of the House Elves.”

Hermione gave a little nod and put her hand out to shake his.

There was a sharp inhalation of breath from all the Elves. Then a cacophony of shrill House Elf voices broke out. Archibald again raised his hands. All went silent.

“Miss Granger.” Archibald’s voice was unlike any House Elf Hermione had ever heard. It was dark and rumbled. “We have found the culprit, she immediately confessed to having followed you around and behaving in a manner considered disgraceful for any House Elf.”

While this speech was going on, Hermione noticed three House Elves sneak up and collectively change Waldo. She smiled. What could one do?”

“Well, thank you for taking care of the matter. And now I must be off.”

There was a hue and cry from the Elves.

“Miss Hermione Granger, you hurt my feelings,” said Archibald with tear-filled eyes and trembling lips.

Hermione stared wide-eyed in wonder. Archibald had spoken in the first person! She really hadn’t believed they could do that, at least not as easily as he just had. She continued to ogle him in astonishment.

“I’m very sorry, Archibald.” Waldo fretted and Hermione quickly comforted him before any of a half dozen little arms could take him from her.

“The sentencing has been carried out.”

“Well, I suppose that is good.” Hermione had a strange feeling about all this.

“Miss Hermione Granger, you have proven yourself over and over again to be a friend to all Elf kind.”

Hermione felt a growing sense of alarm. And she rather doubted that all Elf kind shared Archibald’s sentiment.

“Therefore, I can trust that you would no doubt be willing to cooperate in the sentencing.” The Elf’s eyebrows waggled at her in a rather odd manner. Had he been studying Fudge’s mannerisms?

“Oh dear, it isn’t anything too nasty, is it?” Hermione squeaked in an elf-like manner.

A very small Elf was brought forth. Truly, the moment Hermione saw it, her heart went out to it. Damn, it was covered in bruises and scrapes as if someone had beaten the poor thing within an inch of its life. There were raw spots where whatever few stands of hair it had had been torn out, and it was barely covered by the tea towel it had, because someone had ripped it badly.

“This is Teaseh. She is to be your slave.”

“No.” Hermione shook her head. “This is a mistake. I don’t believe in slavery. I’ve worked for a union—“

“Understood, Miss Hermione Granger,” said Archibald, his voice seemingly so low as to be coming from his toes. “But she was given clothing by her master after he’d heard you speak on House Elf rights. She was very depressed by it all and took it upon herself to repeatedly attack you. Since is bes because of your very eloquent speech that she lost her master, and your person was put into peril forcing you to leave our world, it is only fair that she be yours.” Archibald smiled giving the impression that he had actually made sense.

There was a clamor of House Elves noisily celebrating the moment. Long toed feet stomped and spiny hands clapped and even a few more daring Elves threw their towels and pillowcases in the air. Hermione looked at the ground. House Elves, it seemed, were quite generously endowed in the genitalia department.

Hermione opened her mouth to protest only to find the little Elf had thrown itself on her and had fused to her legs.

“Oh, please forgive Teaseh Miss… Miss… Hermione Grr…Grrr…. Oh! Please don’t give Teaseh clothes again. Teaseh couldn’t stand to go through that, not again.” It quavered and shook against her.

Hermione leaned forward and, transferring Waldo to one arm, gave the Elf a hug with the other. At least she knew she’d be a kind and gentle master… And who would know if Hermione gave her wages and vacation time?

&&&

Lupin saw a small grey figure come to the surface. She was dragging something behind her. He swam out to meet the Mermaid. He immediately put his arms around Alicia’s cold, lifeless body and brought her to shore. Lacking the presence of mind to even thank the Mermaid, he laid her on the bank.

“Come on, Alicia. You are a strong Witch. Come on.” A tinge of panic caused his voice to crack. Alicia’s hair gleamed a dark, ruby red by the moonlight. Lupin carefully laid her down and began to do mouth to mouth. His wand was back with his robes. The only thing he could hope was to manually stimulate her to recovery.

“Come on.” He again covered her mouth with his. “Come on.” He noted that her lips were blue and he skin was getting a grayish tinge.

“Help is here, Remus!” came McGonagall’s voice.

Lupin looked up to see most of the staff of Hogwarts comecome to help. He was relieved that Madam Pomfrey was with them. Pomfrey immediately set to work, neatly working one spell after another to help the Witch recover her life.

Flitwick Accioed Lupin’s robes and he was soon covered up, but he continued to shiver uncontrollably. Hooch brought out a flask and handed it to Lupin.

Long minutes silently crawled by as the teachers waited for Pomfrey to perform a miracle.


&&&

“Quinn?” said Iolanthe handing over the spoon and the Double Devil Chocolate ice tofutti carton.

“Yes, love?” replied Quinn, keenly aware of that fact that he was a chocolate covered gooey mess.

“You are too quiet. You usually talk through the video. What, not a single, ‘I could do it better than Ron Coleman’ remark?”

Quinn turned on the couch and took Viola’s hand. “I’ve remembered something, and I feel like a fool for not thinking on it sooner.”

“What is it?”

“Snape. Family name of Snape. I’ve been exiled so long that I had forgotten.”

“What did you forget?”

“Their alliance.”

“With whom?”

“The King of the Faerie.”

“Quinn?” said Iolanthe with fear in her voice. “You’ve been exiled. Now don’t go all heroic on me.”

He patted her hand with his huge paw.

“Nothing like that. I was thinking that if I were to tell of Snape’s plight to the King, he might be pleased enough with me to let me return from exile.”

“Oh, By Merlin!” cried Iolanthe. “Then you must go.”

&&&

“Well, yes, er,” Hermione was tired but she still had much to do and House Elves were no longer on the top of her agenda.

“She’s breathing.” There was a loud cheer from the Hogwarts segment of the Elves.

“Is she all right then?” Hermione asked.

“Yes, Madam Pomfrey has gotten her back with the living. They are returning to Hogwarts now.

Hermione sighed in relief.

“Look, Dobby. I need to leave Waldo here. There’s a supply of my milk in the infirmary. Could you and Winky…?”

“Oh no, Hermione Granger. Teaseh will take care of the little one now.”

The Witch turned to her new ward. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, but—“

“You don’t trust Teaseh?” The tiny Elf began to wail. Hermione watched as all but Dobby, Winky and Teaseh popped out of the castle. She got the distinct feeling that they wanted to leave before things could get more complicated.

Hermione stroked the little Elf’s ears. “Teaseh, please understand. I’ve only just gotten Waldo back from the Faerie. I need him to be kept safe here at Hogwarts while I attend to an urgent matter.”

“Then Teaseh be going with Miss Hermione Granger?” The tears left as quickly as they had come. Hermione felt perhaps they had left a little too soon.

“Yes, yes. Of course. You are welcome to come. But I need Dobby or Winky to look after Waldo until I return.”

&&&

“Well, yes, I do have to admit that I resented you. Not just a little, but quite a bit. After all, I was the Queen’s favorite before you came along. But I must confess it, Snape, you are not bad company.”

“Erasmus, I am a bit surprised myself,” Snape smiled a little, “but this time together has been well spent.”

“You miss them though, don’t you?”

Snape looked up and pretended that he hadn’t heard. Erasmus patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t need to stand on ceremony here. You can admit it.”

But he didn’t want to. Not after so many years had gone by. He’d often thought of how things could have been. Perhaps if he had been less forbidding, she might have trusted him enough to come to him at the start of her pregnancy. Or perhaps if he had been less prejudiced against Muggles. Snape simply wasn’t the Pure Blood he used to be. Perhaps the robes did make the Wizard, for here without clothes, without responsibility, beyond a certain pleasuring of the Queen, without all the pressures, he felt quite transformed. No, he wasn’t the person he used to be. Or he didn’t think he still was…

“She was a pretty thing and quite bright.” Snape admitted. “I’m sure she’s an excellent mother.”

“But you fancied her? You must have, right?” Said Erasmus, putting his beak in where it didn’t ng. ng.

“I’m not sure. I remember that I found her amusing, like one would feel about a pet monkey’s antics. As to the pregnancy... I swear if the opportunity ever comes round, I shall use a pensieve to find out what exactly happened.”

“So you didn’t love her?”

“I can’t really tell anymore… It’s all moot though, isn’t it?” Snape snorted and lazily gave his balls a good scratch.

“Idle chatter. But there really isn’t anything else to do, unless you’re up for Ten Pins?” He asked hopefully.

“You’ve beaten me the last 238 games straight.” Snape quirked a smile. “Right, we’ll see.” He got up to reset the pins.

&&&

Hermione tried to run past the Hogwarts staff on her way off the grounds to Disapparate. However she was taken into a large hug by a very grateful Lupin.

“Hermione. Thank the Gods that you arrived just when you did.”

“Um. Yes, well. You are welcome, but I must be going.”

“Aren’t you going to stay?”

“No, no. Must leave. Alicia will be all right?”

“Yes, Madam Pomfrey feels we reached her in time, all thanks to you, of course.”

Hermione was ready to scream. Remus Lupin simply refused to let her loose. “Must be going now.”

“What about Waldo?” he asked, increasing his vise like grip on her. Frankly, the scare he’d just had had left him weak and needing the touch of someone, anyone.

For a split second Hermione wondered if she should simply hex the man. He was annoyingly determined to not let her go. Instead she stomped on his bare foot. He let out a scream and let go of her to hop up and down while rubbing the injured toe.

“So sorry. Was that your foot?” She said as she quickly headed down the hill to the gates.

Hermione made her escape the second she was able to. She headed directly to her apartment. Her mind had already raced ahead of her. She had to find the coin that the elder Snape had given her. If they were to mount a rescue effort, he’d be absolutely indispensable.

Hermione arrived in her apartment only to find her very concerned mum, her quite upset dad and two Witches who looked strangely familiar.

“Hermione Jane Granger!” Said her father, puce with rage, “Where in Hell have you been?”


A/N: It’s been a rough week. So extra big hugs and special thanks to my reviewers: DebLovesDragon, LittleBird, Shan, ShagstheDustMop, Deb, Karen, Jessica, Spaz141, and Talene. Your support, as always, is most appreciated.

“Her Majesty” is from the Abbey Road album by the Beatles. http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/Beatles/Her-Majesty.html