Death Eater Takes a Holiday

OK, the last chapter didn't leave off well, sort of lame, sorry






"The list" Sev has consists of
questions he asked himself over the week of his holiday. I think they were all
mentioned in the chapters as each day progressed.

 

Chapter 18 Looking for answers


 

Severus Snape entered through the big oak doors of
the main entrance, his mind still on Lucius. It was a relatively uneventful
meeting. Lucius had been there to buy his spoilt brat something to keep him
quiet for a time. It was lucky for him, that of all people to hear him spout
off about wanting to kill The Boy Who Lives, it was Lucius' ear the comment
fell upon. Surely, he would report that little comment, only placing me in a
better position, unless he were to think I planned it that way. Fortunately or
unfortunately, however you look at it, it was obvious to Lucius that I wasn't
myself. It was all a verbal game this evening. He would never speak of
important matters in front of Draco, unless it was to intentionally get the boy
to believe he was being brought in as a part of something when Lucius needed a
favor from his son.

 

Albus, who all but ambushed him, interrupted
Severus’ thoughts of his Malfoy run-in. Severus handed over his packages to a
house elf. Albus beckoned, giving him orders to deliver the package to the
dungeons while the Potions Master joined him for a cup of tea. Severus soon
found himself settling into a chair across from Albus' desk, accepting a cup of
Dragonwell. He bit into a biscuit and it occurred to him that he never accepted
the treats that the old man offered. Had he offered? Did he just give it to
me and I ate it without thinking? Sure, there were times when the old coot
had gotten his hands on a bag of cookies that looked sinfully rich, full of
chocolates and nuts, but he would always decline.

 

"I am so off my mark," said Severus
more to himself than Albus.

 

"It would appear that your transition back to
your older self has not been a smooth one." Sev glared and put down the
biscuit he had forgot he was holding, brushing off the non-existent crumbs from
the front of his robes. Why is it so difficult for you to show yourself
enjoying that? thought Albus silently, watching Severus rid himself of the
treat. "It's the simple pleasures in life that make it worth living."
The last comment was not something Albus would normally say to the other, but
that’s what this meeting was all about, after all.

 

"I've enjoyed myself enough for one week. Thank you very much."

 

"I think you are being hard on yourself,
Severus. What is really bothering you about your holiday?"

 

"Albus, I spent the entire week with your
Golden Boy!" Severus was fuming to see the blue eyes twinkling more than
ever.

 

"You wanted this to happen, Albus, I know how
you work. You think that if you send me in as a clueless teen, I'll befriend
Harry like everyone else, and all would be fine for our future endeavors as
Order members. But, I really want to know, Albus. Did you plan all of it? Or
didn't you expect us to become so close?" asked Severus in an ominous
tone. Albus calmly sipped his tea, and nibbled on a biscuit. It infuriated the
younger man.

 

"Is it so horrible that you two got along
better than I expected?"

 

So he hadn't planned All of it. But, how much?
Sev asked himself. "Did you know
that Harry was gay?" ‘Did you
know he was a virgin? Was being the operative word here!’ Severus was so busy with his internal
rant, he almost missed that fact that the Headmaster was talking to him.

 

"No Severus, I was not aware of his sexual
preference. Although, with the school almost empty, it allowed Mr. Potter a
chance to relax and be himself. I realized after a while that he was quite
taken with you."

 

"It's obscene, Albus," Severus practically
growled.

 

"You could make a good couple. I saw nothing
obscene abou, Se, Severus."

 

‘You didn't see him in the shower.’ Severus almost slapped his hand on his mouth.
He mentally replayed the last line, making sure he hadn't said that aloud. He
would not lose it now. He was always in control of his mind and body; he would
not think that way. He would not think of Harry in the shower. Severus kept
telling himself that, but the mere thought of Harry in the shower was having
its effects. Severus now held his hand on his temple, much like he had when
Albus spoke the charm that returned his memories.

 

"How could you say that?" A good
couple? "Honestly Albus, I sometimes think you're a few Tarot cards
short of a full deck."

 

Albus ignored the comment and picked up a biscuit to
nibble.

 

"I say that because it is true. Harry will
finish at Hogwarts in a matter of two months, and you will be working closely
together. I think you owe it to him and yourself to be honest about your
feelings."

 

"Albus, my feelings are irrelevant. Harry spent
the week with my eighteen-year-old self, a mindless one at that. I'm not that
person. Hell, Albus, I was never that person, I always had something to keep me
from relaxing and opening up."

 

"Your feelings should never be irrelevant,
Severus. I know you have this deep seated feeling of repentance, but you know
how I feel about that already."

 

Yes, yes. You think I've paid my debt, and should
allow myself to live again. Not bloody likely.

 

"If you think Harry doesn't know you, then let
him know the person you are now."

 

Oh, by all means Albus, I'll just open myself up
to him. So when he sees the man I am and runs screaming, I'm left exposed and
alone, again, thought Severus, but didn't speak.

 

An extended silence and several biscuits later,
Albus let out a sigh. "Severus, might I suggest you bring your thoughts of
last week and now together?" Severus looked at him, perplexed. "Do
you still have the parchment you were taking notes on?" Sev felt the
folded paper through his robe pocket, and nodded. "Find the answers to
your questions, Severus. When you have all your answers, you will know how you
truly feel. Then your emotions will not be torn, and you can act on what you
feel is for the best."

 

Severus nodded and stood to leave. He did not speak.
Albus was right about at least one thing; he would have to get his questions
answered. At least then he would have his head straight and be in control
again. He still wanted to scream at the
old man, tell him what he and Harry had done, but not tonight. It would wait
until he had his head straight and could enjoy it more. If he played his cards
right, he may be able to shock the old man.

 

Albus did not smile as his child left his office,
knowing it would only infuriate him more, but the twinkle was back. It would
take a long time for Severus to come to terms with this, and it was just as
well, since Harry would still be a student for another couple months. As the
door was pulled closed, the smile appeared. Not once had Severus referred to
the young man as 'Potter' when using his name, but Harry throughout the
entire conversation. Yes, it would take some time, but things would work out.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

As most of the students were unpacking from their
holiday and getting prepared for the first day of class tomorrow, Harry, Ron
and Hermione sat in the common room. Harry didn't take his usual spot leaning
against Hermione. He blamed the heat, but truth be known, if he couldn't cuddle
with Sev, he didn't feel like leaning on anyone else at the moment. Ron assumed
that since Harry knew about them now, he could rightly take his spot on the
couch alongside his girlfriend. They spoke of mostly inconsequential things;
Harry spent most of the time thinking of what he could do to get through to
Sev. At least he tried to think of ways to work it out, but all he ended
up thinking about was the changes that there would be between ‘Sev’ and
‘Severus’ in his current state. Harry felt a flutter on his chest; it was the
snitch shirt the twins gave him. The red tee had a golden snitch on it that
occasionally fluttered around the bold black letters that read ‘What A Catch!’ It was a tight-fit shirt, making him
shudder if the snitch flew over his nipple too much. Thoughts of Sev laving at
the hardened nub raced through his mind. A hot tongue was alternating
between licking and soft bites to his flesh. Nibbling and sucking a path up
along his neck, up to the very sensitive skin behind his right ear. Harry's
tight black jeans were increasingly tighter and he fought back a groan as he
felt warm air blowing over his neck and ears. It suddenly occurred to Harry
that it was real; the hot breath he was feeling was the air blowing from behind
him. He turned around to see Hermione at the open window receiving an owl. It
was a large brown school owl.

 

"Who's that from? We just saw everyone at
dinner," said Ron curiously. Hermione opened the envelope carefully. The
only people she knew that sent owls that weren't at the school now were the
rest of the Weasley's. The handwriting was far too elegant to belong to one of
the twins. She recognized it quickly from her Potions essays as Severus'.

 

Inside the envelope were a note and a smaller
envelope with Harry's name on it. Hermione read the note and smiled. Ron and
Harry looked at her expectantly, but she said nothing and pocketed the notes.

 

"Well?" Ron asked.

 

"Well what?" She asked impishly. Ron threw
his hands in the air in exasperation. Hermione laughed at how dramatic and
impatient Ron could be. "You, dear Ron, need to learn the difference
between keeping secrets from one another, and allowing each other some privacy.
The words were firm, but the smile never left her face. Ron settled back down,
looking to Harry for sympathy.

 

"Don't look at me, mate. I know not to cross
that woman," said Harry, kidding his friend as he watched the other walk
up the stairs to her dormitory. "You know," said Harry with a pause. "Since her lines have rounded out,
Hermione has a nice arse." Ron, who was also checking out Hermione
retreating up the stairs, was now gaping at Harry.

 

"I thought you weren't into girls." Ron's
face was contorted with expression. He wasn’t sure how he felt about Harry
checking out Hermione's arse. He was comfortable with their physical closeness
only because he knew that Harry would never think of her the way he did.

 

Harry watched his friend's expression with
amusement. He sat back in his big comfy chair, stretching one leg over the
armrest. "Ron, I don't have to be sexually attracted to someone to
appreciate his or her form." Harry
had become very confidant in himself, and comfortable with some things Ron was
still working through.

 

"It's just a bit weird hearing you talk about
Mione like that."
&n
 

"If it will make you feel better, I'll keep all
comments about her body to myself, or at least not say them in front of
you," he said with a wink. "Does this mean you don’t want Hermione
and me talking about your body either?" Harry couldn’t help but laugh at
the ridiculous look on Ron's face. His eyes were wide, and his mouth was open,
but his lips were still together. Harry briefly wondered how Hermione could
kiss a mouth that made such stuexprexpressions. Ron, on the other hand, had
mixed feelings. While on one hand, the thought of his best friend, a guy,
discussing his body with his girlfriend freaked him out, yet he couldn’t help
but be curious. Ron, after all, did relish the times when he was the center of
attention.

 

"You and Mione talk about me? About m-my
body?" he asked sheepishly, unsure if he really wanted an answer to that
question.

 

Harry smirked. He would have just a little bit of
fun with him. Harry leaned back and visually took in Ron's body, clearly
checking him out from head to toe. His eyes were on their second pass of
inspection of his friend when Ron squirmed and fidgeted on the sofa. He would
not let Ron suffer too much.

 

"Relax Ron, I'm just winding you up." Ron gave a sigh of relief. "She just
tells me how much she enjoys tall men, like yourself." It was true, she
had said that, along with a lot of other things they discussed, but Harry knew
better than to say too much. Ron would probably freak if he knew how much detail
he and Hermione had gotten into during their conversations. "Hey,"
Harry said, having a thought. "We still get our date night after we finish
at Hogwarts, don't we?" At the
beginning of their last year, Ron had hooked up with several other good chess
players. They met once a week to play, and it soon became Harry and Hermione's
time to spend together. That was when rumors of them dating had begun. It
started out as a night for them to review classwork, but soon turned into
butterbeer nights of Harry spilling secrets of his dates with the guys he'd
seen. Hermione was enthralled with hearing about Harry's experiences and how he
felt about his various relationships, if you could call them that. They talked
about everything from love to how to please a man. Some days they would talk
about nothing but the future they hoped to have, while other nights Harry would
describe in great detail how to use your tongue to make a man melt into a
puddle. Hermione was no prude, but having grown up with no brothers or sisters,
and two boys for friends, she hadn't had the chance to have ‘girl talk’ like
most girls do. Harry’s coming out was the turning point in their relationship.
It wasn't a bad set-up for Ron either. He may not have known what they talked
about on those nights, but Harry certainly noticed a little extra spring in
Ron's step the night following 'date night'.
<evil grin> What's the use
in being a quick study without the practical experience, after all?

 

"Date night? Oh yeah, I was thinking about that
myself, actually. Between you and me, Harry, I think Hermione must miss me the
night I go play chess, 'cause the next night she usually makes up for it, if
you know what I mean." Harry just shook his head.

 

 

Many flights of stairs below the Gryffindor tower,
deep in the dungeons, was a Potions Master in his private chambers, reviewing
the questions he had asked himself over the last seven days. He sat at a desk
off to the side of his sitting room. It was a small desk used for personal
activities, letters, his calendar, and other things he liked to do in a quiet
setting. Unlike his large ‘work’ desk in his office that was full of papers to
grade, ingredient list, and Potion Masters of Britain monthly journals. He
leaned back in his high back leather chair, reviewing his list. At first his
eyes swam across the wrinkled parchment, getting aggravatgaingain as his
thoughts went in several directions. I will think this out systematically. I
will get the answers, then when I have all my information straight, I will tell
the boy to bugger off. Happy with
his plan, Severus pulled out a clean sheet of parchmand and sectioned it off in
three categories. 1) Questions I know the answers to, 2) Questions I will ask
Albus, and 3) Questions I will have to research. His thought went to Hermione
Granger and her offer to help him with some of the answers if he should need
her assistance. He would avoid her, but inwardly he gave her credit for handing
the embarrassing situation between them very maturely. Her ability to research
the facts and think things through before allowing her emotions to cloud the
issues would always benefit her, and was a needed counterbalance to the
reactions of her Weasley boyfriend.



The rewritten list went as follows, give or take a
question that may occur as he sorted things for himself.

1)     
Was Harry out of the closet?

2)  &nbnbspnbsp; 
Does Albus know he's gay?

3)     
Why did Dobby fear him?

4)     
Do I know why Harry takes potions?

5)     
Do I remember Sirius Black?

6)     
What do I know about the attack at his home?

7)     
Why were there bars on Harry's windows?

8)     
Harry is ticklish.
(Just a little info stored away for future reference.)

9)     
Why did I have to leave the hospital, but not Ron?

10) 
Is Tuesday a good day
to help Hagrid with the flying horse?

11) 
Why did I not reach my
goal to become a Potions Master?

 

 

Q1: Was Harry out of the closet? Severus read
the question, thinking he'd figured that out already. When he wrote that
question, it was before Harry had told him of his past experiences, or lack
thereof. Harry had been convincing him of how much his older self had done for
him, and that, according to Harry, was worth the irrevocable gift he had given
Severus. How could he possibly think I'm special? Severus asked himself.
He picked up the cup of tea, and was about to hurl it in the air at the wall
across the room, when he took another deep breath, took a sip of tea and placed
the cup down again. It felt good returning to being the man who had perfected
self-control as an art form. Originally he had gone to the liquor cabinet, but
thought better of it. He needed a clear head and a nice calming tea; he would
need all the help he could get. His mind wandered. Severus did truly enjoy
treating himself to things like the sweet biscuits Albus ate, but only in the
comfort of his private quarters where he didn't have eyes on him to see that he
was in fact human. OK, back to the questions or this would take ‘till the
Leaving Feast and then it wouldn’t matter. Severus was thinking that idea had
merit; he could ignore it and it would go away. No, perhaps not. Question 1 was
marked as things he knew.

Q2: Did Albus know he was gay? Severus thought for a
moment and realized he wasn’t sure whom he meant when he had written the
question. It was one of firsfirst questions he'd asked himself. Most likely, he was referring to himself;
but it didn't matter now. Albus had known Sev was gay for years, and now knew
of Harry also.

On to number
3. Severus snorted as he read the question again. Damn house elf had better
fear him! Severus made a mental note that the house elf had answered his
questions because he assumed his older self knew the answers anyway. The
creature seemed quite attached to Harry; he would be good to question. Where
did the elf get the potions? What was the policy on this? Students were not
allowed to keep a store of potions on hand. Once again, The Boy Who Lives was
given special treatment. That thought had come so unconsciously that Severus
had to shake his head for a moment to reevaluate how his reactions changed
while on autopilot. His memory of Harry's 'bad dream' was startling. Why didn't
he know about the dreams? Were his dreams about the attack on his home, Black
getting killed? He would tell Harry about what he knew of that day, but when?

 

As Severus thought about the first few questions, he
realized he had the answers to some, but others only caused more questions.
Severus held his head in his hands. This would not be as cut and dried as he
had hoped. Hope. The one thing Harry said he did not allow himself.
The very thing he thanked me for giving him. He gave me his secrets, he gave me
himself, and what did I give him in return? Hope. Sev squeezed his eyes
shut.

This time the teacup did meet the wall.

 

Severus stepped over the shards of china that was
once his cup, entered his bedroom, and dropped his robes. He climbed into bed,
knowing sleep would evade him tonight.