Understanding

All HP belongs to JK Rowling. All song titles and lyrics belong to Evanescence.


Understanding
Chapter Eighteen:
Exodus (Waking Up)

****Here in the shadows I'm safe, I'm free
I have nowhere else to go, but I cannot stay where I don't belong****


Making love to Hermione had been the single best experience of my life. I had wanted her so badly and for so long that every whimper, sigh, and moan she made as I buried myself deep inside her was the validation of years of wishing, months of longing, and days of lust so consuming I'd had a hard-on practically continuously. She was my world and my everything, and I knew even if I tried I could never love anyone or anything more than I loved Hermione.

I smiled as I watched her sleeping form, cuddling close to me even unconciously. I had never seen anything so beautiful, so vulnerable and trusting. She was mine, and she made me happier than I had any right to be.

She shifted in her sleep so that her back was to me and I bent to kiss her bare shoulders. I felt her shiver and pressed the length of my body along hers. She backed against me and sighed, leaning her head back against my chest.

I ran my fingers all over her bare flesh, still in awe of all she'd given me. It wasn't just that she'd made love to me; it wasn't just that she'd been so completely and totally willing sexually. Neither of those facts was anywhere near as important as the fact that she loved me. Despite being torn apart by Albus, our age difference, the fact that I'd almost died from wanting her (literally), the torment I'd put her through as a student- despite all that, she loved me. And I loved her so entirely passionately it bordered on obsession and violence.

Grinning, I finally muttered the words that would extinguish the candles and cuddled against Hermione, gently kissing her neck before laying my head on the pillow next to hers. As I closed my eyes, a million visions flooded my mind.

Hermione becoming my wife.

Our little house in Hogsmeade.

Hermione holding my- our- son.

I decided in that split-second of a fantasy that our children would have to be Ravenclaws. I would not stand for a Gryffindor; Hermione would not abide a Slytherin, and I don't think either of us would be able to stomach a Hufflepuff. Yes, my life with Hermione was going to be perfect, and nothing- not even a Hufflepuff for a child- could change that.

But suddenly happy, smiling Hermione was gone, and in her place was a tearful, miserable shell of Hermione. My son had disappeared, and she stood alone, sobbing and penitent.

She was sorry, she said. So, so sorry. She loved me with all her heart, she truly did, but she'd met someone else. I'd always be special to her- her first love- and she hoped we could remain friends...

I violently thrashed my head, trying to clear it of the vision, but no matter what I did I could not escape her hollow, dead eyes. I opened my eyes and watched her again, now agitated by my recent restlessness. I kissed her shoulder, and she shrugged me off, now snuggling deeper into the blankets' warmth as opposed to mine.

Then I knew it was true.

Tears streamed down my face as the realization hit me with the force of a rogue bludger. This was not forever, and I suddenly knew the pain that would come when it ended.

Not "if."

"When."

I cried silently, unwilling to wake her, and in that instant I quite hastily made a very big decision.

I looked at her now, her back presented to me and buried almost up to her head in ketskets. Quite a different scene than even a few minutes beforen sen she had been curled up close to me, naked and unashamed. I then decided for once I was taking control of my life. I had never been allowed the luxury of my own decisions. Girlfriends dumped me. Voldemort and Dumbledore both directed most of the actions of my adult life. So-called friends deserted me. For once, I was making up my own mind. For once, I would not wait for someone to tell me differently.

I would not wait for Hermione to break my heart.

Tears still streaming from my eyes, I quietly left the bed and began to dress. Yes, by leaving now I would miss happy times with Hermione, but the longer I stayed, the more painful it would be when she finally abandoned me.

And I knew she would.

Everyone did.

Fully dressed, I stood over her for an eternity. It was hell to leave her, but in the it wit would be the least painful for both of us. She would move on and meet someone handsome and moral and rich. I would go back to the castle and slowly drink myself to death.

My resolve almost cracked as she whispered my name in her sleep, but I was completely dead inside. Nothing could change my mind. She was going to hurt me. She was going to betray me. She would lie, and cheat, and leave me. But I would not give her the opportunity. I loved her too much to let her do any of those things to me. I would die if she hurt me.

So I wouldn't let her.

With one sad glance back at her, I apparated back to Hogsmeade, sure I'd never see her again.

*****************A/N*********************
DON'T HIT ME!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. You're the best!

JennD: Thanks! I hope you were as excited about the update as you were about the Oscars!

Deb: As always, your review made me blush and grin at the same time. You're the best!

spaz141: Thanks! No real research- just asked GrrArrg what it was like to be a slut ;) Just kidding!

Zephyr: Thanks! Can't tell you if there will be more smut, but if I were you I'd keep writing the smut for "Careful"- just in case!

GrrArrg: Thank you! And thank you SO much for helping out with my smut self-confidence! You are the absolute fucking queen of everything! Even if I blow you off for American Idol sometimes... Come on- I've got to scope out the competition. Can't wait for more from you, though. Don't rest too long!

Florentia: Glad you liked it! Yes, I would like to get my hands on a Slytherin sex-god!!!

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