It Was Only A Kiss!

Chapter Sixteen

‘Remus, I’m not sure…’

‘Dad, I’m of age now,' Remus said wearily as his father wavered again. 'I’m more than capable of looking after myself for one night.’

‘I’m not questioning your capabilities, son…’ Mr Lupin said, his tone still indecisive.

‘Then go,' Remus interrupted, waving his hand. 'Gran needs you more than me right now.’

John Lupin hesitated, rubbing at his lip with his thumb in the same way Remus did when he was thinking and Sirius could see how reluctant he was to go. It was a few days after the funeral and Remus' distraught grandmother had Flooed earlier after sorting through her daughter's childhood belongings had become too much for her. Mr Lupin had agreed to spend the night with her and help out, but was now dithering over leaving Remus alone.

Sirius had offered to go back to Hogwarts so Remus go with his father, but his suggestion had been immediately and vigorously panned by Remus who, in his refusal to consider sending Sirius away, had shown more life and energy than he had since his mother's passing. Sirius had felt the weight of Mr Lupin's gaze on him after Remus' outburst...a questioning, assessing gaze that made Sirius fidget a little guiltily.

Those blue eyes - just like Remus' - shifted to him now as he sat at the kitchen table and he knew that John Lupin had made a decision.

‘Sirius…’ he began and the brunette nodded with a smile.

‘I won’t take my eyes off him, Mr Lupin,' he promised, not sure if Mr Lupin would be pleased or alarmed to hear that. 'I swear. Should I handcuff myself to him? Just to be safe?’

‘Safe?' snorted Remus, throwing a balled up dish cloth at Sirius. 'I’d be in more danger handcuffed to you than I would be in a room full of Chimeras.’

Mr Lupin chuckled and picked up his overnight bag. ‘Right, well, if you need me, I can Apparate straight back. We’re only going through some of your mother’s papers and old belongings.’

Remus saw the deep sorrow in his father’s eyes, the furrows of grief etched across his brow that had first appeared after Remus was bitten, but that had deepened in the last few days, and he impulsively stepped forward to hug him.

‘I’ll be fine, Dad,' he whispered against his father's shoulder, startled to realise he was almost the same height as the older man. 'Sirius is here. Go and look after Gran.’

His father sighed and pulled back, staring at his son sadly. ‘You're a good boy, Remus,' he said fondly, then frowned. 'You're not really a boy anymore, though, are you?'

The two Lupin men stared at each other for a moment; startled as they realised that Remus' childhood had well and truly passed, then Mr Lupin tried to smile as he ruffled his son's hair. 'You grew up too fast, son.’

Remus made an equally as unsuccessful attempt at a smile then waved as his father left through the back door, Disapparating with a pop from the stairs.

Sirius watched Remus as the werewolf stared blankly out the kitchen window. He was embarrassed by how pleased he was that the older man was gone for a while. He and Remus were used to hiding their burdgening relationship, but it was so hard not to reach out to Remus. Sirius just wanted to put his arms around him and tell him everything would be okay, but every time they got close, Mr Lupin appeared and Sirius snatched his hands away from Remus as if the werewolf's skin had burnt him.

Remus had been holding up remarkably well so far, but Sirius could see the cracks starting to appear in the other boy's calm facade. The strain was becoming more and more prominent in Remus' face each day and, although he was careful not to let his father see it, Sirius knew that the other boy’s control was slipping. Sirius had found him a few times in a quiet corner of the living room, staring out at the garden - Mrs Lupin's domain - with his hand pressed hard against his mouth as if he was trying to hold the grief in. But he just brushed away Sirius' attempts to talk, claiming he was just exhausted and disappearing into his room. Sirius had been sleeping in the spare room, but could hear Remus moving about next door at night. Mr Lupin had taken to restlessly wandering through the house at odd hours, though, so Sirius had been unable to slip into Remus’ bedroom to offer some comfort.

But tonight...

‘What do you want to do now?’he asked quietly, and Remus looked over at him and shrugged.

‘I don’t know. Shag?' he suggested, his face inscrutable.

Sirius looked surprised then smiled, thinking Remus was trying to lighten the somewhat heavy atmosphere.

‘Shag it is, Mister Moony,' he teased. 'Shall we do it here or out in the street so we scare the horses?’

‘I don’t care,' Remus said as he leaned against the wall. 'I don’t care where we do it. I just need…’

There was something in his voice - a neediness and desperation that Sirius hadn’t heard before and he realised that this wasn’t Remus fooling around or trying to keep things light; this was Remus reaching out for help in the only way he knew how right now.

‘Moony, do you want to talk about your mum?’ he asked softly and was surprised by the immediate and blunt reply.

‘No.’

Remus turned away from Sirius as he ground the word out, slumping against the wall. Sirius stood up and moved towards him, touching his shoulder carefully.

‘It might help to talk about...’

‘I don’t want to talk,' Remus said, his voice cracking as he turned to face Sirius. 'I want to forget.’

Sirius frowned when he saw Remus' drawn face and he slid his hand up to the werewolf's head, brushing his soft hair gently off his forehead. ‘Remus,' he whispered, wanting to take his friend's pain away. ‘I want to help you. Tell me what I can do to help you.’

Blue eyes met grey and Remus shifted closer to Sirius, hands on his shoulders then sliding up to tangle in the raven hair at the nape of his neck. Remus dipped his head, resting his forehead against Sirius' collarbone.

‘Just...touch me,' Remus answered, so softly and tremulously that Sirius almost didn't hear him. 'Just...k...kiss me. Tell me it’ll be...alright.’

Sirius gripped the other boy’s wrists, feeling him shiver when he ran his thumbs over the delicate skin on the inside. This was his chance to help Remus, to pay him back for all the times he’d been there for him. He brushed his lips over the other boy's cheek and nuzzled his nose into Remus' face in a very Padfoot-like way.

‘It’ll be alright, Moony,' he said, whispering into Remus' ear. 'I promise. It’ll be alri…’

His words were cut off when Remus turned his head and kissed him, their lips coming together hard then softening as their arms moved around each other. Their mouths moved hungrily, but gently against each other, and Sirius was surprised by the emotion that the soft, tender kiss aroused inside him. Remus' tongue swept over his and Sirius moaned as his insides liquified and heat bubbled up hot like lava. He allowed Remus to draw his tongue out of his own mouth and into the cavern of the werewolf's; stroking and teasing each other until Remus groaned and deepened the lip lock. Sirius whimpered then pressed Remus into the wall, trying to keep his balance as his head spun and knees weakened.

Sirius' hands skimmed up Remus’ arms to cup his face, thumbs stroking over the slightly rough jaw and he knew in that moment, with Remus' tongue in his mouth, his hands tangled in his hair, that this was what he wanted. He wanted to feel that changing texture in the skin under his fingers - smooth then rough and raised where the scars began. He wanted to hear that deep moan in the other boy's throat that told him he was doing the right thing and ‘for Merlin‘s sake, keep going‘. And, when Sirius tore his mouth away to kiss the salty skin of Remus' neck and the other boy whispered his name, Sirius knew he could listen to that desire-roughed voice murmuring in his ear for the rest of his life.

Straight, gay, bisexual - whatever he was labelled; he knew what he wanted and he wanted Remus.

Just Remus.

‘Come upstairs.’

Remus’ voice was hoarse and the sound reverberated against Sirius' lips. He lifted his mouth from the other boy's throat, staring at him through eyes glazed with need. ‘Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like...’

Remus kissed him hard and fast. 'I'm sure,' he said firmly, taking Sirius' hand as he pushed himself off the wall. They walked an unsteady path to the staircase, Sirius gripping Remus' hand tightly as he followed him up the steps to the bedroom.

Sirius locked the door behind them and as soon as he turned around, Remus clutched his face in his hands and kissed him. Not gently, or tenderly as they had kissed downstairs, but passionately, desperately as their hands tugged roughly at each others' clothes. Sirius heard a tearing sound as several buttons went flying off his shirt, but he ignored it, ripping Remus' shirt just as badly as he hurried to strip it off him.

Before the ribbons of material that was once Remus' shirt even hit the ground, Sirius' fingers were working on the werewolf's jeans, distracted by the long, hard bulge of the other boy's erection beneath his fingers. Remus was cursing under his breath, the words muffled against Sirius' lips, then he shoved Sirius' jeans and underwear down to his knees.

Kicking the clothes away, Sirius felt a hand close around his cock and bit Remus' bottom lip in surprise. He doubled his efforts on Remus' fly and let out a cry of triumph when the button finally slid from it's hole. Both boys worked to rid Remus of the last of his clothing, finally falling naked and tangled together onto Remus' bed.

Their breathing was ragged and their need urgent as Remus attacked Sirius’ broad chest with his lips and teeth, nibbling his way down to the brunette's navel. Sirius almost gave himself over to those talented lips, but pulled himself together for long enough to mumble an objection and wriggle away from that demanding mouth.

Remus frowned, looking confused as he slid off Sirius. 'What's wrong?' he puffed, chest rising and falling rapidly.

'Nothing,' Sirius said with a little smirk as he pushed the other boy back down onto the bed. 'I just think it's my turn, don't you?'

He saw Remus' startled expression then the slow smile that spread over his face and felt a happiness he'd rarely felt before. This wasn’t for him today. Remus needed to be looked after, Remus needed to let go, and he was going to be the one to help him do that - in the only way he could think of right now.

His mouth pressed against Remus’ hard then shifted to trail hot, open-mouthed kisses all over the scar littered chest before moving lower and blowing a raspberry on the werewolf’s stomach. Remus chuckled and Sirius grinned happily at the almost forgotten sound before he settled between Remus’ legs and looked up at him.

‘Pads…’ Remus began, preparing to give the same reassurance that he didn't have to do anything that Sirius had given him, but the brunette shook his head.

‘I’ve been wanting to do it for a while now,' he admitted, kissing the knob of Remus' hip. 'Now, lay back and enjoy. I expect rave reviews after, you know.’

Remus smiled. ‘Well, that all depends on ho...oh!’

His head fell back against the cushions and his breath escaped in a long, shaky exhale as Sirius, who saw subtlety as a waste of time, took half of Remus’ not inconsiderable length into his mouth. The brunette was impressed by the reaction he'd garnered and sucked, making Remus’ hips jerk up sharply. Sirius nearly choked as too much of the other boy's shaft forced its way to the back of his throat, and he released Remus, coughing a couple of times.

‘Sorry, S…Sirius,' Remus stuttered, flushing a deep red, but Sirius shook his head.

‘My fault,' he said, clearing his throat. 'I probably should have gone a bit slower, yeah?’

Remus nodded then bit his lip. ‘Try again?’he suggested and Sirius smirked.

‘You bet your virgin arse, Moony.’

Remus laughed as Sirius dipped his head again. This time, he forced himself to try and contain his enthusiasm and really concentrate on giving Remus a decent blow job. His tongue snuck out and lightly traced the ridge of Remus' glans then he swiped the soft muscle over the tip, tasting salty-sweet pre-come. He took a moment to let his taste buds register the unfamiliar flavour and when they didn’t revolt, he did it again.

Remus moaned and his hips shifted, raising a little as if to encourage Sirius to get on with it. The brunette obliged him, closing his lips around the head of the now weeping cock and laving it with his tongue. Remus’ moans got louder and strangled sounding and his hands clutched at Sirius’ ebony hair almost painfully. Sirius took more of the shaft into his mouth, sucking lightly then slid his lips up to the tip again.

‘Merlin, fuck, don’t stop,' Remus whispered urgently and Sirius hummed his agreement, having found to his delight that giving was almost as arousing as receiving.

He ignored the demands of his own cock, though, as he dragged his lips up and down Remus’ length, fisting that which he couldn‘t fit in his mouth. Remus’ hands tightened in his hair and with a little pressure, he guided Sirius’ speed. Remus mumbled his name and Sirius thought it was the most incredible sound he'd ever heard, moaning around his mouthful of flesh, and with those tickling vibrations going straight to his balls, Remus broke.

‘OhmyfuckinggodI’mcoming!’

His burning orgasm exploded from him accompanied by a loud, almost anguished cry. Sirius was surprised by the sheer volume of fluid and automatically swallowed, wiping his mouth as he released the still-throbbing cock and raised his head.

‘Shit. I don’t have that much come, do I? Is there more because you’ve got such a big, fucking di...what’s wrong?’

Remus had an arm thrown over his face and his body was shaking with silent sobs. Sirius was alarmed, thinking for one frantic moment that he'd done something drastically wrong.

‘Moony?’

He slid a hand up the distressed boy’s chest then pulled the arm away from his face, his heart breaking when he saw the tears streaming down his cheeks and his face twisted in despair. This wasn't because of anything he had done. This was Remus finally letting himself feel.

‘Remus, it's okay.’

The sandy haired boy’s lip trembled violently as he tried to hold onto his grief, tried to push it back down inside himself, but it was too late. All those emotions that had been locked up inside him had been freed with the intensity of his climax and now, naked, vulnerable, completely exposed, he couldn’t shut it back up again.

Remus swiped at his face in panic, trying to hide the tears. ‘Fuck.’

‘Remus, just let it go,' Sirius said soothingly but Remus shook off his comforting hands and turned his face away.

‘Don't! Just go...please...I don’t want...’

He stopped talking and tried to roll his body away, but Sirius stopped him.

‘Remus, please. Let me help. Let me...'

Sirius grasped impotently for words that would convey just how badly he wanted to help, but found none. Instead, he shifted to lay down beside the other boy, reaching for his hand and entwining their fingers, not allowing Remus to tear his away. He waited, hoping with every fibre of his soul that Remus turned to him and let him be the one to make it better.

Remus fought it - and he might have won if Sirius hadn't bought their laced fingers to his mouth and kissed each digit softly. At the supportive, sweet gesture, Remus broke. His chest heaved with barely-suppressed emotion as he rolled his body into Sirius’ and, cursing, pressed his damp face hard into the brunette's chest.

‘S’not fair, Pads,’ he whispered tearfully and Sirius nodded, arms sliding around the other boy.

‘I know,' he murmured against the silky brown hair. 'But I’ve got you, Moony. It'll be okay. I’ve got you.’

Remus let out an agonized sob and his fingers bit into Sirius’ hip bruisingly as he finally let go.

~*~*~

Remus had fallen asleep curled up in Sirius’ arms after crying for what had felt like hours, and the Animagus tried not to wake him as he pulled the bedclothes over their cool, naked bodies. Remus shifted, rolling onto his back, and Sirius propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at the other boy’s face which was peaceful and unlined for the first time in days.

He supposed Remus might not like to be described as beautiful but, looking down at him now, Sirius struggled to find another word to describe him.

Angelic?

Exquisite?

Magnificent?

Sirius smiled and brushed a lock of soft hair away from Remus’ face. He was all of those things and more, and Sirius now knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he didn’t want the soft curves of a woman anymore and wondered if he’d ever really wanted it in the first place. Once Remus was starting to feel better and didn’t need him so much, Sirius knew he was going to have to take some time to himself to come to terms with what he couldn‘t deny any longer.

First, that it seemed he was as gay as a handbag full of rainbows. And, secondly, that these feelings he was having for Remus might be slightly more than a simple crush. He swallowed hard, the thought that Remus might not feel the same terrifying him beyond belief. He'd spent so much time telling the other boy that this was just fooling around, that it wasn't anything serious or long term. How could he tell him that he'd changed his mind, that now...now he wanted serious, he wanted long term?

He wanted Remus.

Remus moved again and this time, Sirius pressed a kiss to the thin skin covering his temple.

‘I've missed you, Pads,' Remus murmured and Sirius blinked in surprise.

'I thought you were still asleep,' he said quietly, then kissed the tip of Remus' nose. 'I've missed you too.’

The admission make a corner of Remus’ mouth turn up and his eyes opened. Sirius leaned over and kissed him on the lips, still marvelling at how comfortable this all felt. Shouldn’t being naked in bed in the middle of the day with his best mate feel more awkward, more confronting?

‘We’ve never done this in the daylight before,' Sirius joked, running a hand over Remus' ribs. 'I’m surprised we didn’t turn to dust or something.’

‘Mmm, you do have a certain ‘vampirish’ look about you, Pads,' Remus said, wriggling away from the tickling touch. 'And you do like to bite...’

Sirius bared his teeth and adopted a cheesy Transylvanian accent as he buried his face in the werewolf‘s neck. ‘Remus, I vant to suck your blood...amongst other things.’

Remus chuckled and aimed a kiss at the nearest part of Sirius’ head, catching him on the shell of his ear. ‘You know,' he said carefully. 'For a straight guy, you’re pretty good at giving head.’

Sirius lifted his head, flushing lightly as he shrugged, not quite ready to make the admission. ‘I had a good teacher,' he said. 'There’s this guy and - oh sweet Merlin - his mouth is just magic…’

‘Really?' said Remus, raising an eyebrow. 'I’d like to meet him; see how good his mouth is for myself.’

Sirius laughed. ‘I'm pretty sure that what you’re suggesting is anatomically impossible and if it were possible, would render me redundant.’

‘You could never be redundant, Padfoot,' Remus said with a smile then he gripped Sirius' chin and raised his head off the pillow to kiss him.

Sirius made a soft pleading noise then pushed Remus back into the mattress, keeping their lips pressed together tight. Remus groaned and Sirius felt a hand thread into his hair, pulling his head closer and encouraging him to deepen the lip lock.

Then, he lost all conscious and coherent thought.

~*~*~

Several minutes later, Sirius reluctantly pulled away, sucking oxygen into his lungs desperately. ‘Damn, we’re good at this,' he panted.

Remus, also breathing hard and fast, smiled a little sadly and Sirius frowned, knowing exactly what was on the other boy's mind.

‘Do you want to talk about her?’

Remus closed his eyes and shook his head. ‘I don’t think so,' he said quietly. 'Not yet. I…I don’t want to keep crying all over you…’

‘I don’t mind.’

‘I feel like a sook…’

‘You’re not.’

‘I know, but I feel so bloody girly…’

‘If you were a girl, I probably wouldn’t be lying here naked with you.’

Remus looked at him quizzically then smiled, recognising that, for now, this was as close as Sirius was going to come to actually saying the words.

‘You’ve figured things out?’

Sirius shrugged in what he hoped was a nonchalant fashion. ‘Well, the desire to nibble on your nuts made it blindingly obvious that I may not be entirely straight, but enough about me. How are you doing?’

Remus sighed. ‘I miss her already. I could always talk to her and...I never told her that I...I’m gay. This is the biggest thing in my life besides the furry little problem and I can’t talk about it with her.’

He blinked back fresh tears irritably and Sirius snaked an arm over his stomach, hugging him close.

‘I’m here,' he said softly. 'You can talk to me. I know it’s not the same and that my choc chip cookies are shite compared to your mum’s, but I can shut my mouth and listen when it‘s called for.’

Remus smiled. ‘I know. Thanks, Padfoot.’

He leaned over and kissed Sirius then pulled back with a self-conscious smile. 'I...er...can taste myself. Was...was it alright?'

Sirius smiled, blood rushing back to his cock at the memory of how alright Remus coming in his mouth had felt. 'Yeah,' he said hoarsely. 'Yeah, it was pretty incredible actually.'

'Not like choc chip cookies, though,' Remus said shyly and Sirius reached out, tucking a stray strand of hair behind the werewolf's ear.

'No, but...I really liked it,' he murmured and they both turned bright red, staring at each other for a long moment, all the things they hadn't said hanging between them.

Sirius cleared his throat. ‘Speaking of choc chip cookies, I’m starving,' Sirius said, trying to break the moment which was threatening to become a little too intense. 'Tasty as you are, I don’t think man can live on spunk alone.’

'That is possibly the most disgusting thing you’ve ever said,' Remus said, grimacing.

‘No, I did say something about Snivellus having sex once. Now, that was a disgusting image.’

Remus laughed and pushed himself up, the sheet falling around his lap, and he rubbed at his face which was tight and sore from his tears. Sirius slid out of bed and pulled his pants on, leaving off his boxers with the lewd thought that ease of access may come in handy later on. He caught Remus watching him zip up his fly and grinned, flexing his muscles and posing.

‘Like what you see, Mister Moony?’

‘I do, Mister Padfoot,' Remus laughed. 'And it has just occurred to me that I had my breakdown before you could get off earlier.’

‘Mmm, I expect you could figure out a way to remedy that situation later,' Sirius said, wriggling his eyebrows lewdly.

He snatched up his shirt but Remus took it off him as he pushed himself to his feet. ‘Leave it off,' he said with a smile. 'A chest that nice shouldn’t be covered up.’

Sirius smirked even as a flush coloured his cheeks. ‘Only if you leave yours off too. You have a sexy chest.’

‘I have an ugly chest,' Remus said, screwing up his face, and Sirius gasped in mock horror.

‘How dare you insult one of my favourite parts of your body! I’ll have you know I look forward to licking melted chocolate chips off that chest later…’

‘Queer.’

‘Queen.’

‘In that case, kneel before me, knave Padfoot.’

Sirius smiled lasciviously, looking down at Remus’ naked lower body and licking his lips. ‘Later - with immense pleasure, your Majesty.’

Remus shook his head, hiding his smile and his blush, as he dragged his pants up his legs. His hands moved to his fly and he was startled to find another pair there already. He looked up and met Sirius’ intense grey stare as the other boy tugged up Remus' zip. As Sirius slid the button home, an understanding seemed to pass between them, a silent acknowledgement that there would be no more pretending that this was less than it was. They had stepped over the invisible line between friendship and...something neither of them were ready to admit to yet, but both knew was there.

This was no simple crush.

Sirius finished with Remus’ pants, but before he could drop his hands, Remus took them in his. ‘Thanks, Padfoot. For…before. For all of it.’

Sirius smiled softly and hooked his fingers into Remus’ belt loops, pulling the werewolf to him and placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

‘Anytime, Moony.’

TBC...