Afraid to Live, Afraid to Die

**Please do not comment on how I write. It's simple. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. If there are mistakes however, you are more than welcome to point those out. This is Harry/Snape and will get dirty at some point, so please be patient.**



Italics - Harry's Writing

Bold - Mental Speaking

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: NEVER SAY DIE


I made up my mind about the future

I made up my mind about the past

I know that I’m stable

And able to hold on


F-f-f-falling ~ The Rasmus



The people who were inside Grimmauld Place soon learned that they had to check everything before they did anything. To help pass some of the time Harry and Sirius took up playing practical jokes on anyone unfortunate to pass by. Mrs. Weasley was constantly muttering under her breath about how bad they were. Even comparing them to Fred and George, whose shop was doing quite well, on multiple occasions. Almost everyone was surprised when the new Ministry laws were put into place.


Harry did warn them about the spell involving any who spoke Voldemort’s name. Snape was appointed Headmaster and the days between his visits grew longer; and the ache for him grew stronger. On the day of his seventeenth birthday, Harry awoke, expecting it to be like every other day. Yet when he appeared at breakfast, there sat a table-full of people; all singing “Happy Birthday” to him.


The boy was especially excited to see Remus, who had been gone the last two full moons. Green eyes scanned the table for the one his heart and body yearned to see, but the black-clad man was missing from the hoard of people gathered. Disappointment set in, but the bond felt blocked, as it had been for the last week. Today would make day fourteen since his dominus’ last visit, and his muscles were starting to get twitchy and fidgety. Just yesterday he had snapped at Ron for calling Snape ‘a greasy git’ and then proceeded to ignore the red-haired boy for the rest of the day.


After the food was consumed the room was loud with lots of animated talking. Harry was content to just watch all of them, when suddenly there was a looming presence behind him. Even without having to look, Harry knew that it was the one the one who could calm his currently jittery leg; which was bouncing under the table. The younger man wanted to forget everyone else in the room and lunge into the wonderful arms of his Nodui, but he held himself back.


“Is it your birthday, Potter? I seem to be ruining everyone’s fun, I should come back later,” Even as he spoke, the conversations were slowly dying in the room.


“Nonsense, I don’t want you to leave. It’s my birthday and I want you here,” Harry said, standing and turning to face the man.


Smiling, the boy held out his hand, that Snape took hesitantly. Shivers ran down Harry’s spine at their first contact in two weeks. To inform the others that the shivering was not a sign of disgust, Harry offered his Nodui a piece of the giant cake Mrs. Weasley had baked.


“No thank you, Mr. Potter. I try to stay away from sweets before lunch,” Snape gave him a small smile.


“Can I make you a cup of tea, then?” Harry felt weird writing to Snape rather than speaking, for the sake of the others.


“That won’t be necessary; I’m going to work on potions. Enjoy your birthday,” Snape gave a nod to the others in the room and left as quickly as he came.


It took longer than Harry would have liked to leave the company of his friends. Although he did ask Remus if he would be staying for the next full moon, and he was pleased when the werewolf said yes. Finally, a few minutes before dinner, Mrs. Weasley sent him to ask Snape if he’d be joining them for the meal.


When he reached the basement, it was to see Snape bent over a potion. Harry rolled his eyes at the very familiar sight and sat down on the stool.


“Can I help you?” Snape asked.


“Mrs. Weasley wants to know if you’ll be joining us for dinner,” Harry said.


“I’ll be staying the night,” Snape responded.


“I’m glad,” Harry smiled.


“Should I expect a birthday boy in my bed tonight?” A black eyebrow rose.


“I could wear a bow and nothing else,” Harry suggested.


“Wear your pajamas,” Was the only reply.


“You know you would enjoy it,” A seductive smile appeared on his face.


“Go away, Mr. Potter. Tell Mrs. Weasley I’ll be joining you lot for dinner,” Snape responded.


“You can call me Harry. It’d be a nice birthday present, you know,” Harry said just as he was leaving.


“I’ll think about it,” Snape replied as the door closed.


Copying breakfast, the evening meal was a loud affair, the birthday boy only catching snippets of conversation here and there. Instead he was thoroughly distracted by the pale man who was sitting next to him; brushing against him with every move. The younger man had to remind himself not to cast glances at his dominus, as a certain blonde was watching him carefully.


“I was able to transform into my Animagus form last month,” Harry told Snape after dinner, when he was reading in the living room.


“Is that so? What animal did you transform into?” Snape’s voice was interested even though he was probably slightly distracted by another potion.


“An Iberian Lynx. Sirius calls me his cub now,” Harry said, pretending like he was still reading his book as Draco entered the room.


At the mention of Sirius’ name a brief wave of disgust washed over the bond, and Harry fought the urge to roll his eyes. Later as Harry lay awake, waiting for the others to fall asleep, he pondered just how long their childhood rivalry would continue. He desperately wanted them to at least be able to tolerate each other better. If they both persisted to be hardheaded, then eventually it would escalate and Harry would be forced to choose between them.


When the deep even breathes of Draco’s accompanied Ron’s snoring, Harry seized his opportunity. Making his quiet escape from the room was easy enough, but at the bottom of the stairs he heard Remus and Sirius arguing in low tones.


“I won’t allow it, Sirius,” Remus protested whatever it was they were fighting over.
“Come on, Moony. You wouldn’t hesitate if this were James we were talking about. Just let Harry try. He doesn’t even have to be inside the cage,” Sirius countered.


“That’s just it. Harry is not James. Who knows what the wolf might think of him,” Remus said, turning his back to the doorway Harry was currently peeking in.


“You’ve told me that even the wolf is protective of him. I bet you’d treat him like a long lost pup. Even if you do forbid him from going we both know that he’ll sneak in anyway, after you’ve changed. Harry has too much of his father in him to not do it,” Sirius was standing beside the dirty-blonde man, also facing away from the door.


Harry took his chance and swiftly crossed the open doorway, making his way down the stairs that led to the basement. It was pitch black and for a moment the younger boy panicked that perhaps Snape had already left, leaving him alone again. Suddenly there was a floating light coming from where the bed was situated.


“You’re late,” Snape pointed out.


“Draco took longer to fall asleep than usual. I think he suspects something,” Harry replied, carefully making his way through the room

.
“I know he suspects something. After dinner he wouldn’t leave me alone, or stop asking me questions,” Snape said, pulling back the covers as Harry climbed in beside him.


The bond felt whole when Snape wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him against the taller body. For the first time in several days Harry fell asleep, vowing that he would never again go that long in between seeing his dominus. Upon awakening in the morning Harry found himself back in his bed like he had every morning, after staying with Snape.


He journeyed down to the kitchen to find only Draco there, reading the Daily Prophet. Giving the blonde a smile, Harry prepared himself scrambled eggs, motioning if Draco wanted any. A shake of his head that sent his pale locks everywhere and Harry turned off the stove, settling down at the table. As he ate his breakfast, he noticed Draco looking at him periodically.


“What?” Harry inquired when he caught the blonde staring for the tenth time.


“You like Uncle Severus, don’t you?” Draco asked, folding his paper.


“I’ve grown out of my childish rage towards him, and he’s been more polite; if that’s what you mean,” Harry replied with a shrug.


“You spend a lot of time with him. Sometimes you give him these looks, like there isn’t anyone else in the world. You love him, don’t you?” Draco smirked as if he had won their little verbal conversation.


“He’s been charged to watch over me. Plus the little fact that we don’t feel the urge to always fill the room with nonsensical chatter helps us get along better,” Harry said, taking his now empty plate to the sink, washing it.


The other boy followed him. “Just admit it, Potter. I could even help you get closer to him if you’d like.


Harry sighed, turning to face his companion. “Suppose I do love him: do you think that he’d appreciate you interfering with his love life?”


“I suppose not,” Draco also sighed, “He’d probably be angry at me. Uncle Severus has always been a private man.”


Harry nodded before flashing the slightly taller boy a smile. “Besides, I’m doing just fine on my own. I even got to sleep in his bed last night.”


He was sure that Draco’s mouth would have gaped open if not for years of discipline. “Just how far have you gotten?”


“It was purely innocent, he only held me the entire night,” Harry mussed for a moment. “Although the last day of school surely wasn’t innocent.”


The shock was evident on Draco’s face as Harry left the speechless boy behind. Upon entering the living room, Harry saw his godfather and a slightly worried Remus waiting for him. Picking a spot, Harry settled there to wait, already knowing what this was about. No doubt that Sirius had managed to convince his long time friend into letting Harry accompany them.


“Remus has agreed. On the condition that you will leave if it looks like he’s going to be violent, and of course you’ll stay outside the cage until we determine it’s safe,” Sirius grinned.


Harry smiled, moving towards Remus, placing a hand on his shoulder, his actions relaying his feelings better than words could. The ragged man gave him an apprehensive smile that spoke of his worry.


“So right after dinner we’ll head over to Moony’s safe house to prepare for the night,” Sirius explained.


Nodding, the youngest member was almost eager for dark to fall. The day seemed to crawl at an agonizing slow pace, and the young boy was like an impatient puppy going for a walk. When they appeared outside of Remus’ safe house, Harry took in the building’s appearance. At first glance it looked like an old fishing house, but with his injured eye he could see the magic swirling around it. He recognized both Sirius’ and Remus’ magic signatures, but there were two others he didn’t know. One was a gold so pure that it was almost angelic, while the other was a green that nearly matched his own.


Since he knew that Pettigrew was a muddy brown color, Harry could only assume that the colors belonged to his parents. After they entered the small shack, green eyes saw that it was in better shape that than the Shrieking Shack. Perhaps Remus actually lived here, as it seemed slightly habitable. As they moved downstairs, Harry saw that half of the basement was once again warded, strengthening the bars that enclosed the entire area. Only Sirius’ and Remus’ magic protected this room, and the boy suspected that the bars had been added after everyone was gone.


Both of the older men stripped, wrapping a towel around their waist, and stepped into the cage, the door closing with a resonating clang. Sirius shifted first, probably to ensure his safety against the wolf. The black dog that took his place threw the towel that had slipped off easily. Harry followed his example, but kept his clothes on, noticing the slightly surprised look on Remus’ face. Obviously Sirius hadn’t told him what kind of animal their cub was.


However, that no longer mattered as moonlight began to brighten the darkened room. Just like third year, Remus changed, the process more painful than Animagus shifting. Now three animals stood where there had previously been men. Once the wolf had gained its senses, he lifted his head, sniffing the new scent that intruded in its territory. Harry sat as close as he dared, his eyes only glancing up at the wolf’s golden gaze.


Padfoot watched the scene in trepidation, not being able to see the wolf’s expressions. The wolf seemed to debate this new creature for several minutes. The black dog moved forward, ready to tackle the wolf so Harry could escape. There was no need for violence as Harry saw the change in Moony’s eyes. Gone was the defensive aggression and in its place was a strange longing.


Moony pawed the bars, a whimper escaping his throat. Harry moved closer, allowing the wolf to nose him gently. That didn’t seem to be enough, as Moony started to bang his head against the bars in an attempt to reach Harry. Green eyes looked up at the lock and then at Padfoot, silently asking permission to enter. A small woof emitted and a nod of head accompanied the sound.


Completely unsure if magic would work in this form, Harry attempted it, surprised when it opened. Quickly slipping through and closing the door, the young lynx was astounded when he was tackled by a giant wolf body. Padfoot had nearly sprung into action, ready to fight Moony, until he noticed that Harry was merely being given the most thorough greeting he’d probably ever received.


Once his short bath was finished, Moony seemed content to lie curled up next to Harry’s smaller form with Padfoot on the other side, as if they were protecting him. As morning drew closer, the three of them started play fighting, both of the older men being more gentle with Harry than each other. Just before Moony started the transformation back to Remus, he nuzzled Harry one last time. When everyone was human and dressed, Sirius pulled Harry into a bear hug.


“So I guess you’ll need a name for your Animagus form,” Sirius laughed, going up the stairs first.


Harry waited for Remus, who seemed to be lagging. Smiling up at the werewolf, at the achievement of tonight’s success, the tired man gave him a small smile in return. As Harry started towards the stairs, a hand on his arm stopped him. Looking over his shoulder, he saw Remus’ light brown eyes glowing almost gold-like.


“Harry, I know about you and Severus…”

_________________

Dun, dun, dun........

Please note that there may not be a Chapter 18 next week for I have gotten sick and have not been able to write. However, I will try my best to work on it, but unfortunately the Valentine's special for Harry/Draco comes first. Sadly, there is also no preview for Chapter Eighteen: Guardian Over My Dreams.