The Burden of Memory

Authors Note: Many thanks to my friend Shannon who ran her beta magic on this fic!

Chapter 17 White Picket Fence

Harry was nervous.

He was nervous about a lot of things, Hermione’s new discovery of a Ministry circular saying that they found his location and would be recruiting him back to work soon, nervous about Draco’s odd behavior of late, and nervous that Lara was finally on speaking terms with him again, thinking he might muss it up accidentally.

But most of all Harry was nervous to finally see his godson and Andromeda after all these months. Between Harry’s insistent moving and Andromeda’s hectic schedule, he had scarcely had time to even owl them, let alone arrange a visit, but finally he was settled and refused to move again and wanted to see little Teddy so bad it made his fingers ache from clenching them.

In a way, Teddy was the last real connection to his father, since the deaths of his two best friends, plus he’d always have a mourning spot in his heart for Tonks, who was just so unique you couldn’t help but love her.

He imagined at some point Andromeda would want Harry to take over and be Teddy’s true godfather, but he assumed they both acknowledged that Harry was a little too young to be a good father just yet, but he wanted to take that first step toward showing Andromeda that he could be responsible.

He whisked around the kitchen conjuring cheese platters and sprucing up the flat as Draco got dressed. When the blonde finally emerged from the bedroom Harry stopped short, his knack for breathing escaping him.

“You look… wow,” Harry said.

Draco blushed and spun in a circle, showing off his powder blue sweater and deep gray jeans, which made his arse look even more spectacular than Harry knew it was, which was saying something.

“I have the sexiest boyfriend ever,” Harry cooed as he made his way over to place a well deserved kiss on said boyfriends lips.

Cocking a delicate blonde eyebrow, Draco scrutinized Harry’s own wardrobe, which was currently plain blue trousers with a ratty gray tee. “I think it’s your turn to change.”

“I know, I know. I just want this place to be spotless,” Harry informed him quickly as he ran to the bedroom and quickly changed into the outfit Draco had picked out of his closet for him to wear. Black jeans with a sage green tee, topped with a black blazer. Harry had laughed at first, but he had to admit that the combination looked good on him.

“So?” he asked as he reemerged into the living room.

Draco kissed him in answer, lingering on his bottom lip for a moment. “Simply stunning.”

“What are we telling your aunt?” Harry asked at last. He had been thinking about it since the moment he had made arrangements for Andromeda to visit, but hadn’t had the gall to say anything until just then.

“About?” Draco asked, looking nervous.

“Us,” Harry replied, equally nervous. “I mean, I’m fine if you want to keep it from her, I mean you haven’t told your parents yet, and-“

Draco promptly cut off Harry’s babbling with a kiss. “Do you want to tell her?” he asked when they broke apart.

Harry squirmed and looked down at his Italian loafers. “I’m rubbish at lying.”

“I know this already,” Draco chuckled.

“So I’m not sure what to tell her when she asks why you’re here,” Harry prodded. He needed it to be Draco’s decision either way, it was Draco’s family after all.

“Should I leave?” Draco asked.

“No, dammit. Just tell me what you want me to say,” Harry pleaded.

Draco sidled up next to Harry and ran his finger along Harry’s strong jaw. “Tell her we’re in love.”

Harry’s eyes widened immediately and he had to blink several times before he could answer. “Are we?”

“I can’t really speak for you, but-“ Draco said, backing up a couple paces.

“Draco, do you love me,” Harry asked with a slightly teasing grin.

“I, well, that is to say, I,” Draco stammered, making Harry’s grin expand.

“I love you, too,” Harry said at last, patting Draco on the bum and rushing to set out the plates of food he had conjured.

His heart was beating furiously at the idea of Draco and his near utterance of those words, and he was very certain his cheeks were tinged with red. He’d been thinking it for some time now, his attraction to the former Slytherin had in fact morphed into something intense and he soon realized that it had far surpassed their physical connection, though he had been terrified to broach the subject with Draco before now.

The doorbell rang and Harry’s heart started beating faster. He rushed over to answer it, but Draco had beaten him there. “Hello, Aunt,” he greeted to a wide-eyed Andromeda.

“Draco, what ever are you doing here?” she asked, stepping into the flat with a young boy on her hip.

“I live here,” he told her.

“Oh, yes, your mother mentioned that Harry was helping you with your memory. I had just assumed that he was coming to the Manor,” she said.

“I’m mostly better now,” Draco assured her. “Just a few more months of memories until I’m all caught up.”

“That’s wonderful, dear,” she cooed. “I’m sure your parents will be thrilled to have you back home.”

“I won’t be going home,” he told her firmly. “I’m staying here with Harry,” he added, lacing his fingers together with Harry’s and smiling.

“You’re not? I don’t understand… oh… I see,” she replied at last, repositioning Teddy to the other hip. “Do your parents know?”

Draco shook his head. “Not yet, you’re the first outside of Harry’s friends.”

“We have every intention of telling them,” Harry added. “We just haven’t seen them recently.”

“Well, see that you do. I’m not keeping secrets from my sister. Our reunion has been a long time coming and I’ll not have it ruined over this, understand?” she asked pointedly.

Both boys nodded in unison and she nodded curtly in return, handing Teddy over to Harry with a smile.

The tiny boy squealed with delight and grabbed fistfuls of Harry’s black mane, changing his own mop of hair to match him. “Harry!” Teddy shouted excitedly, and Harry cuddled the boy to his chest.

“I talk about you all the time,” Andromeda told him. “I show him pictures and tell him stories about your amazing adventures.”

Harry grinned, pleased that Teddy knew him already. A warm contented feeling washed over him as he imagined Tonks and Remus there with all of them. “Hey there, Teddy,” he cooed, taking the toddler over to the couch.

They played with Teddy and chatted about what Andromeda had been up to in recent months. Teddy kept bouncing back and forth between the three adults, wanting the attention of everyone at once.

Draco looked ecstatic to have Teddy there, which took a burden off of Harry’s chest. He hadn’t known how the boy felt about children, and it was good to know that the person he was falling in love with wasn’t opposed to them. Once Teddy went to Hogwarts, Harry would probably try and adopt a child of his own, and it would be nice to still have Draco at his side.

He sighed as he watched Draco play with the small boy and he thought of building a life with him. He just wanted to snog him right then and tell him how much he loved him, but for the sake of company refrained.

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The wiry man sitting across from Draco sneered at him, reminding him slightly of his father, though this man hardly carried the good looks and grace of a Malfoy, with his graying hair and pasty complexion marked with acne scars from his youth. “You’re to bring him to me, where he’ll be secretly tried for treason and sent discreetly to Azkaban to serve an indefinite sentence.”

“As I’ve said, what’s in it for me?” Draco repeated. He had taken this appointment on word from Blaise that it would not be a waste of his time, and though the idea of capturing Potter and hanging him out to dry was in itself appealing, it would do him no good in the upcoming trial against his family, nor would it provide him any benefit for his monetary future.

“What would you like? I was told you had a vendetta against the boy hero, I thought seeing Potter fall would be payment enough,” the man said.

“Clearly you haven’t been thinking at all, or at least haven’t had the joy of making a deal with a Malfoy before. Nothing’s free, and if you want something out of me, you should think of a better proposal,” Draco scoffed, getting up from his chair and moving to leave the small dingy office.

“Wait,” the man called, just as Draco had known he would. “Just tell me what you want.”

“I want amnesty for myself and my family, and one thousand galleons transferred into my private vault,” Draco demanded.

“I can’t promise you amnesty,” the man scoffed.

“Potter can, what’s keeping me from going to him with the information you just told me?” Draco asked haughtily.

The man laughed and leaned back in his chair. “You would never ask Potter for a favor, nor would he help you even if you did.”

Draco was about to rebuke both remarks as conjecture, but the man stopped him.

“I can offer you and your family a clean slate in America,” he told Draco.

“I’ll think about it,” Draco replied and left the office.

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Draco woke in a cold sweat, looking around frantically for the wiry man and the dingy office. “Nightmare,” he whispered to himself, trying to calm down. But he knew that was a lie, it wasn’t a nightmare at all; it was a memory.

He shivered under the breeze generated by the fan overhead and flicked his wand to shut it off. He’d been using magic for everything since he got his wand back; something Harry had been quick to point out. He could tell that Harry was suspicious of something, but he didn’t know how close he was to guessing the cause of Draco’s recent sporadic behavior.

Every night he was having nightmares about his past, every single night he learned more about himself and his betrayal of the sexy man lying beside him. He wanted to tell Harry all about it, and wanted to hear Harry promise that everything would be okay, and wrap him up in his strong arms and rock him back to sleep.

He knew better though.

After Harry’s initial warnings about what his memory might yield and that Draco may feel different about him after they were done and he remembered everything, he couldn’t risk Harry thinking that was what was happening.

Because it wasn’t, Draco still wanted Harry, more than anything in the world, but he was suddenly realizing that it was more than that. He needed to feel as though he deserved Harry’s affection, and at the moment he didn’t feel that way.

Was he really going to give Harry up before he lost his memory? He wanted to believe that when he left that office he hadn’t come back, but he doubted things had ended there.

Draco slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Harry, and crept into the living room. He stared at the pensieve, an ominous looking object in the moonlight streaming through Harry’s windows.

He quickly sifted through the vials his father had brought until finding one labeled July sixth and tipping the memory into the basin and leaning in. There were only three memories from after the war in the box Lucius had given to Harry. He had looked at the first last night and it only told him that he had moved out of the Manor and into a flat not far from Harry’s. He planned on checking it, but wasn’t sure how to manage that alone just yet.

Blinking his eyes against the harsh brightness, Draco found himself in the Manor garden with his mother and father, a petulant look on his face.

“I will succeed in this, Mother,” the memory Draco stated firmly, his voice only slightly raised.

“I do not doubt your capacity to succeed my son, but rather whether or not you have thought out the consequences of your success,” she replied.

“You are our son, Draco. We will stand behind whatever decision you make, but we merely ask you not to make the same mistakes I did. Do not blindly follow this man in order to eliminate a childhood grudge,” Lucius added.

“I saved Harry for a reason,” Narcissa informed him softly. “I feel in my core that he will be important to us one day.”

The memory Draco shook his head. “He’ll be important to us in that his capture will mean our freedom.”

His father sighed and turned away, but his mother handed him a thin leather bound book with gilded script on its face to worn to read its title. “I ask you only to take this, read my notes and only then make your final decision.”

Memory Draco must have thought it a fair request because he took the volume and nodded and the memory dissolved, throwing him back into Harry’s living room.

Draco retrieved the memory from the pensieve and hid the vial in with the rest of them. He screwed up his eyes and rubbed his temples with his fingers. “I was really going to do it,” Draco whispered to himself, thinking of the resolute face his memory self had worn. There was no hint of doubt there, not second thoughts.

“Do what?” Harry asked groggily from the doorway.

“Wake you up, apparently,” Draco said with a smile, whirling around to meet his boyfriend’s brilliant green gaze.

“Nightmares, again?” Harry asked. It had been the reason Draco gave him when Harry found him on the couch the night before. The truth was he just couldn’t bear to lie beside Harry while those memories washed over him and he had snuck out to use the pensieve again.

Draco nodded and Harry came over to wrap his arms around the blonde, pulling him close and running fingers gently through his sleep tangled hair. “I know all about nightmares,” Harry assured him and pulled him over to the couch where they rested the night before, Draco tucked deep into Harry’s embrace.

“What if it were better that I don’t get my memory back?” Draco whispered suddenly.

Harry chuckled, his chest rumbling against Draco’s back. “I think it’s a little late for that. You’ve already remembered all but these last few months.”

“I know, but what if I should stop, what if I forgot those months on purpose, what if I did something unforgivable,” Draco rasped.

“Draco, you can’t use a memory charm against yourself… unless of course you were using a faulty wand,” he replied, no doubt thinking of Lockhart. “But even if that were the case, I’m sure whoever you needed forgiveness from would give it.”

“What if it were you?” Draco asked reluctantly. “What if I did something horrible to you?”

“But you didn’t. I’m fine,” Harry assured him. “You never gave me a lick of trouble after the war until you turned up in Henry’s hospital,” he teased.

Draco turned around to meet his boyfriend’s eyes, so deep and trusting, and he kissed him, partly because he wanted to feel Harry’s lips on his, and partly because he wanted those eyes to shut so that he didn’t have to feel so guilty.

“Did you remember something important?” Harry asked when they broke apart. “What brought on this sudden worry?”

“No, nothing like that, just the nightmares,” Draco replied, failing to mention that the nightmares and the memories were one and the same.

Harry eventually drifted back to sleep, holding Draco in his arms, but Draco had no such luck. He had too much on his mind to fall back into a blissful memory free slumber.

Authors Note: I'm in the process of packing and moving into my new house, so writing time is starting to lag. I've posted a poll regarding this problem on my yahoo group (which you can find on my profile) and anyone wishing to weigh in can join and add their two cents.