*Deserving Of Love*

A/N: Sorry it took so long to update... I have been working on this chapter for a while now, and still am not one hundred percent happy with it... but I think that it needed to be added anyway.

The story will be taking a turn soon; it will start speeding up, and the next chapter will take place six months in the future. Thought I'd give you fair warning! Please review - always interested in hearing what my readers think, and love to know what needs improved.

Now on to the story...


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“You’ll be back when?”

Tonks sat on Remus’s bed cross-legged, clutching a pillow to her chest as she watched him throw some clothes and toiletries into a bag. Remus looked up at her from folding a pair of pants and smiled at the look of concern on her face. He didn’t want to leave, he wanted to do nothing more than crawl back into bed with the fiery minx sitting in front of him wearing one of his old button-downs and spend the rest of the week wrapped up in her. But he didn’t trust himself with being in the same house with her while he transformed, even with the Wolfsbane potion. The past three transformations had been difficult enough for him because she had been around, and he suspected that it would only be worse since they had slept together. Their little tryst in the kitchen last night proved that when it came to Nymphadora being around near the full moon, he couldn’t control himself nearly as much as he needed to. That and it was extremely important for St. Mungo’s research that he stay there for observation during the transformation as well as for a few days after to make sure the side effects of the new potions had dissipated before coming home.

“Um… I’ll probably be there for four or five days. It depends on what effect the potions have on me when they are mixed. It also depends on if I transform fully or not. If they have absolutely no effect, then I will need a few extra days of recovery... ”

Reality had caught up with her and Remus; they had shared four stolen days away from their lives, and while she was grateful, she was also sad that they had to face those lives again. Tonks looked down and picked at a loose string on her sleep shirt, realizing that she didn’t want him to go mainly because she didn’t want to sleep alone for the next few nights. She felt guilty for being so selfish, especially when the man standing before her was simply trying to find a cure to an affliction that ruled his life. She shook her head, realizing that she was being irrational at thinking that three or four days apart would erase the time they spent together, sniffed loudly and looked at him squarely. She flashed him a smile and winked at him, glad that she was falling for a man who willingly turned himself into a guinea pig for highly experimental potions in order to find a cure for lycanthropy so unselfishly; he had no idea what these new potions would do to him, or what kind of side effects they would have when mixed with Wolfsbane potion.

“I suppose I can live without you for a few days…”

Remus chuckled as he looked down at Tonks sitting cross-legged on his bed, her honey curls still rumpled from sleep, her eyes sleepily focusing in on his. He held his hand out to her and pulled her up roughly, catching her squarely when she flew into his arms. He lifted her against him and she wrapped her arms and legs around him, smiling as he buried his face in her neck.

“Mmmm… but will I survive without this for four days?”

She whispered against his ear, sighing as he nibbled her neck in response. He pulled his head away from her and studied her for a second, his eyes taking in every detail of her face, throat and chest, causing Tonks to blush profusely. Only when he was positive that the image of her as she looked right now, sleepy and sexy, was permanently etched into his memory, did he finally raise his eyes to meet hers.

“You’ll do just fine for a few days… it’s me who’s in trouble. After all, I am walking away from you. Now, Nymphadora. What do you say to a proper goodbye kiss?”

Tonks pressed her cheek against his and ran the tip of her tongue around the shell of his ear, smiling when she heard his breath catch in his throat and felt a shiver go through his body.

“I have a better idea… how about we lay back down and I’ll give you something even better than a goodbye kiss. And I promise that it definitely will not be proper…”


“You’re sodding bloody pathetic, you know that? He’s only been gone seven hours and already you’re pining for him. You hardly ate anything at dinner, you haven’t moved from that spot by the window in ages, and you aren’t even listening to me right now because you’re probably thinking about all the different ways that Remus makes your heart beat out of your chest. Pathetic.”

Tonks laughed quietly and shook her head at her cousin. He was right of course. She had been pining over Remus ever since he stepped foot outside the house, not being able to concentrate on anything without him popping into her head at the most random of times. She had tried to catch up on some reading and research on a few cases she was working on before her holiday, only to find herself drawing his name over and over again along the margins of the parchment. It took her three charms to cover that up properly so Sirius wouldn’t see it and take the Mickey out of her for it. Sirius had tried to engage her in a conversation at dinner that didn’t revolve around Remus but gave up when he realized that he had asked the same question four times without a coherent response from her.

Tonks blushed at the realization that she really was acting like some lovesick teenager. She was never like this at the beginning of a relationship – she was usually very independent and cool when it came to men – but this was different. She smiled, obvious to the fact that she was falling hard and fast for Remus, and looked up into the mischievously grinning face of Sirius Black.

“You love him…”

Sirius watched as Tonks’ face reddened and she looked away at these words, her mouth unable to refrain from turning up into a broad smile. Sirius was torn – he was very happy that his little cousin had fallen for a man as fantastic as Remus, and he was ecstatic that Remus had found a woman who accepted him fully as he was – but he was also afraid that one or both of them may be hurt in the future by the other. He knew that they would never intentionally hurt one another, but he still knew them each well enough to know the risks that each one held for the other.

He knew that Remus did not let just anyone in, and he hoped that Tonks realized this as well. The fact that Tonks had so quickly broken through the many layers of armor that Remus had so carefully built around himself for so many years was alarming to Sirius. Remus had been heartbroken several times in his youth, and Sirius didn’t want to see him go through that again. He also knew deep down that despite his good intentions, Remus was capable of breaking Tonks’s heart as well. If something happened to make Remus doubt himself, then he would walk away, thinking he was protecting her, and Tonks could possibly find herself in the same situation that a young Lily Evans faced – alone and crying for someone she thought didn’t love her back. He also feared that because Tonks was so young, she was falling too fast for Remus and would tire of him quickly. He knew that she had dated several men, but she never mentioned having a serious relationship before. He also knew Remus well enough to know that he was very bad at having casual relationships. Someone, either him or the woman involved, always got hurt.

Tonks watched Sirius as he crossed the room to pick up a bottle of firewhiskey and two glasses from the bar before sitting on the sofa next to her chair. Sirius looked up at her, his face somber, his eyes lacking the usually ever-present mirth. He patted the sofa cushion next to him and poured two generous glasses of liquor, handing one to her as she stood to take her place next to him.

“Sirius? Can I ask you something?”

Sirius nodded and sipped at his drink, watching out of the corner of his eye as Tonks swirled her drink in her glass nervously, her small fingers gripping the glass so tightly he was sure it would break.

“Um… I was wondering… I mean, Remus kind of told me a little bit about it, but he wouldn’t go into detail exactly… What I’m trying to say… What happened between Remus and Lily?”

Sirius looked up at her and smiled. He had wondered if Remus had brought up Lily, and was curious as to how that conversation had taken place. He sat back on the couch and turned to face her; she was biting her bottom lip nervously, her eyes large and worried.

“What exactly did Remus tell you about Lily?”

Tonks swallowed her whiskey in one gulp, wincing as the liquid burned down her throat, and held her glass out for more, grinning at the shocked look on Sirius’ face. If she was going to find out about Remus’ past she knew she needed all the courage she could get. No matter what his past entailed.

“Well… I gave him a poetry book, and he read a poem to me from it, and I could just tell that that particular poem hit a soft spot in him. So I asked him about it, if ‘she loved him back’ and he kind of outlined what happened between them. He never mentioned her name, but it was obvious who he was talking about. I haven’t brought it up since, he was so reluctant to talk about her that night, but I know that there has to be more than that to the story…”

Tonks watched Sirius as she told him this; she could tell that he was hesitant to tell her anything more, yet she could also tell that he knew he should.

“And the next morning he called out her name in his sleep…”

Tonks trailed off and stared into the fire crackling in front of her. She loved the fact that even in late summer Grimmauld Place was drafty and chilly enough to warrant a fire being lit.

“What book did you give him?”

Tonks looked up at Sirius when he asked this, surprised that out of all the questions that he could have asked, he picked this one.

“e.e. cummings. It was a collection of his poetry that I found in a muggle bookstore. He had recited some poems out of it a few months back and after some… snooping… I found out that he didn’t even own a copy of his work.”

“He was Lily’s favorite poet. She used to read his poetry to us out loud to James, Remus and I. A love for poetry was something that they had in common.”

Tonks nodded at his words, hoping that he would continue. She could tell that he was hiding something from her, thinking that it would either protect her or Remus, but she wanted to know anyway.

“And? Come on, I know there’s something more than that. I could tell when Remus was talking about it that something happened between them. I know I shouldn’t be asking. And I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t have such strong feelings for him… I feel that the only way I can fully understand him is to know about this. I know he feels inadequate and unworthy because of his lycanthropy, and I believe that I am at least helping him realize that despite his ‘illness’; he is capable of being loved. But I need to know what happened between them. I want to know how to hold on to him Sirius. I know that at any minute his unnecessary guilty conscious could rear its ugly head and he could walk away from me. I know that. So please. For both of our sakes, mine and his, tell me what really happened between them. Did Lily let him get away? Or did Remus feel that he didn’t deserve her and run away?”

Sirius sighed, realizing that Tonks was not going to drop this until she found out what she wanted to know. He knew that telling her would be violating his best friends trust, but he also knew that the young woman sitting before him wanted nothing more than to simply love his best friend. He was pleased that his intuition of Tonks falling for Remus was correct; if it would help Tonks to keep Remus from making the same mistake he made with Lily all over again, then he felt that he was obligated to tell Tonks everything he knew about their guarded relationship.

“All right… I’m going to tell you what I know. On one condition though. You will never tell Remus about this conversation. He likes his secrets. He feels safe with them, and if he found out that we talked about this, I honestly don’t know if he’d ever forgive either one of us. No matter how big you can make your breasts on a whim…”

Tonks giggled at this last part and nodded, anxiety suddenly filling her as she sat up straight to listen to Sirius spill Remus’ secret past to her. There was a battle brewing inside of her between guilt at wanting to pry into Remus’s life, and curiosity at what exactly he wasn’t telling her. Curiosity won, and she whispered to Sirius to go on.

“Remus and Lily were just friends. But not because they didn’t feel more for each other, but certain… circumstances kept them apart. They would spend hours upon hours together, in the library and common room studying or reading to each other, pouring over books of all kinds. They were very close, and if he would have given her the chance, they would have been more. Lily and Remus got one another. They just did. Same intelligence level, same eagerness to learn, same sweet forgiving nature. Lily was just the more… explosive version of Remus. She was far more outgoing than him, and she definitely didn’t hesitate to call James and me out when we were being prats. And as I said, they were always studying together and talking long into the night about Merlin only knows what while James and I were causing trouble and being teenage boys. Remus knew that James had a thing for Lily, which was one of the reasons that their relationship never went past the friendship stage… almost.”

Sirius trailed off and looked into his glass, remembering that night he saw Lily and Remus in the library. Tonks shifted nervously beside him, turning so that she was facing him, and pulled her legs up to her chest.

“I know that they kissed one time. I had borrowed James’s invisibility cloak to sneak into the restricted section of the library and came across the two of them studying. I snuck up behind them and was going to scare them, until I saw how they were sitting. They were so close they almost looked like they shared a body between them; both leaning over the same text book, their cheeks nearly touching. They looked up at the same time and held each others eyes for what seemed like an eternity before Lily leaned in and kissed him. Remus hesitantly kissed her back, but eventually gave in and finally snogged her properly. I stood and watched them for awhile, knowing that on one hand I should be upset because Remus was kissing the girl that his best friend had wanted for months, but ecstatic because despite the fact that he tried to hide it, I knew how Remus also felt about her. Just as things were getting… heated, shall we say, Remus suddenly pulled himself out of Lily’s arms and ran from the room. Leaving Lily in devastated tears, mind you…”

Sirius trailed off and swirled the glass in his hand, remembering the pained look of rejection on Lily’s face. He stole a glance at Tonks, who was nervously chewing her bottom lip, waiting for him to continue. He sighed and gave her a small smile before clearing his throat to start talking again.

“When I went back to the common room, Remus was sitting in front of the fire, alone, every once in a while shaking his head and mumbling to himself. I sat down next to him, and watched as he talked himself out of wanting her. After that they stopped spending so much time together, limiting their interactions to polite conversation in front of James and I. I don’t think he really knew how much that hurt her when he pulled away from her that night; she never told him, and he never asked. Eventually they became friends again, only not as close, and Lily started seeing James. James never knew about that night; Lily never told him because she didn’t want him thinking that she had settled for him. Not that she did of course; she did love James… just in a much different way than she loved Remus.”

Sirius looked at Tonks; his eyes saddened by the memory of watching his best friend deny himself of the girl that he loved, and hurting her so badly in the process. Tonks finished her brandy and set her glass on the table in front of them, wondering how she should word the question that had been on the tip of her tongue since the morning Remus called out Lily’s name in his sleep. She opened her mouth, and then shut it again when Sirius started talking again.

“That’s twice in a week’s time that I had to relive that night mind you. The other night, after the Order meeting when Remus disappeared suddenly, I found him sitting and staring into a fireplace once again, that same expression on his face. He was questioning whether or not to pursue you. Luckily though… after I told him that I saw Lily and him that night, and after some world-class advice from yours truly –“ Sirius saluted her with his glass and finished the swirling amber liquid before continuing, “he obviously chose the girl, instead of the misery this time. Well done, I must say.”

Tonks smiled at her cousin, glad that he knew Remus well enough to recognize the signs of his insecurities, and grateful that he talked to Remus before those insecurities caused him to run again. Sirius refilled their glasses and sat back on the sofa more, sipping at his whiskey as he studied her carefully.

“So, cousin. What else do you wish to know? I can tell that something else is on your mind… go ahead and ask it before I get completely pissed and am unable to form semi-coherent sentences.”

Tonks giggled, and then almost as suddenly became somber, still not knowing how to exactly ask what she needed to know. She bit her lip nervously, sighed, and decided that the best possible way to ask something was to simply jump into it.

“How do I compare to her Sirius? I’m not nearly as beautiful as she was, I’m not as smart or witty, I have a terrible sense of balance, and I’m… I’m… not Lily…”

Tonks trailed off and stared at her hands, aware that all of her own insecurities had just bubbled to the surface in clear view. She looked up in surprise when Sirius chuckled, angry suddenly at all of her self-doubt being laughed at, but her anger calmed quickly as Sirius smiled at her warmly and patted her on the knee.

“Tonks. You aren’t Lily, that’s true. However. What you are failing to realize is, yes, Remus did love Lily. And a part of him still might. But, he loved her when he was seventeen Tonks. And who knows if what he had felt for her would have actually survived to adulthood had he not run from her that night, and had she not died. We all put the ones we love on some sort of pedestal when they are no longer with us. It’s human nature. You’re putting Lily on a pedestal and you didn’t even know her. She wasn’t perfect; she had her faults just as everyone does. Besides, who knows where the bloody hell the wizarding world would be had Lily not married James and had Harry. Everything happens for a reason Tonks. Everything.”

“I know, but I still don’t see –“

“Tonks, he loves you. I don’t know if he’s actually told you yet, but he does. He doesn’t do casual relationships; it’s either all or nothing with Remus. And he isn’t running this time. He’s staying, despite all of his doubts and reservations and his fears of being hurt and rejected – he is with you. Lily let him get away, she didn’t fight for him like you would’ve and will have to. Obviously you have something that Lily did not possess in order to keep Remus. Just so long as you know that you will have to fight, Tonks. I know the past… week… has been great, but Remus is very difficult to get close to. He will probably push you away more than you realize. Just be prepared for a battle on this one; you haven’t exactly won yet. If he feels that you are in danger because of him, or if he thinks that he will hurt you in any way, he may run.”

Tonks nodded, knowing that Sirius was only telling her this because he cared for both her and Remus.

“I know. And don’t worry… I plan on fighting for him. He’s too good to give up without a fight.”

Sirius nodded and finished his drink, his head swimming slightly. He set the glass down and relaxed back into the cushions, watching as Tonks stared into the fire, obviously mulling over what he had just told her.

Tonks sighed quietly, a strange sense of fear hitting her as she thought about Remus’ past. Sirius hadn’t told her anything that she hadn’t already anticipated, but having her thoughts actually confirmed was something else altogether. She felt a sort of hollow victory at hearing about it; she expected that she would be happier if she knew what exactly had happened between Remus and Lily, but instead she felt saddened by the fact that she didn’t hear it from him. It wasn’t Remus’s fault exactly, she never really asked him straight out what happened, but she was still upset by the fact that when she had alluded to his past he didn’t offer the whole story to her right out. She also felt guilty at having gone behind Remus’s back to ask about Lily instead of going to him personally.

She shook her head slightly, feeling horrible about basically betraying the man that she was falling for, as well as dragging his best friend into the betrayal with her. Sirius was right – they could never tell Remus about this conversation; he would not be happy knowing that his carefully guarded secrets were discussed behind his back by the two people he trusted the most.

Tonks suddenly wanted to be alone, having a lot of things to think over about Remus and their budding relationship. She stretched and yawned, suddenly feeling very sleepy from the amount of alcohol coursing through her veins, and stood shakily to head back to her room. Sirius looked up at her and smiled, his eyes at half mast as he slumped further into the cushions of the sofa.

“I am off to bed, dear cousin. Thanks for everything Sirius… I really do appreciate it…”

Sirius saluted her and closed his eyes as she kissed him on the forehead before heading toward the door to head toward her room. She stopped in front of her closed door and retreated suddenly, heading into Remus’ room instead. She pulled off her clothes and jumped into his bed, burying her face in his pillow, inhaling the scent of him that lingered on his pillowcase. She sighed and smiled, comforted by the fact that she could smell him surrounding her as she drifted to sleep.