The Usual Suspects

I paced the room, struggling to sort things out, but my mind was moving too fast. There was simply too much going on, and I didn't think I could deal with it.

Had my father told me the truth? Had Mum really killed herself? Were they both Death Eaters once? Could Draco be using me? NO! I wouldn't believe it! He cared about me! There was too much between us for him to throw it away. Just because Mum and Father didn't work out...that was it. Father was just jealous. He and Mum didn't have what I had with Draco and he couldn't take it.

I realized I was crying, and sat on the floor, curled into a ball. I couldn't move, couldn't make it to the couch. It was all too much. I wanted to die, but I was afraid of death. I was afraid of pain, of oblivion. I had fucked up everything. I had ruined my entire life. I wasn't going to classes, I'd ruined my only friendship, and now Draco thought I was a whore. And I was a whore.

I sobbed into my hands. I couldn't do it.

I had to escape, had to go somewhere, do something. I pushed to my knees and stood. I wanted to run, wanted to just go, to escape. I didn't want to die. I pulled my wand out of my pocket and looked at it. Just a flick of the wand and I'd never have to deal with any of this again. I could embrace oblivion, I could give up on all of it. I could do it without pain. It didn't have to hurt. Mum did it, and I missed Mum. What was left for me here?

I choked on my sobs, held my wand tight, and without thinking, I brought it across my knee with a snap.

I threw down the pieces and ran out of the room. I returned to the dormitory without even thinking. I needed something, but I didn't know what it was. I just needed something
!
I caught sight of the journal on my night table and snatched it up. It wasn't what I wanted, but it was a clue. It would help me, I was sure. I needed Draco. I needed to talk to him, to be sure he felt the way I did, that my father was wrong, that I did have a future. I tucked the journal into my back pocket and left the castle. I ran out onto the lawns, and though the sun beat down on me, I didn't care. I didn't see it. I could hardly see anything through the haze of tears, and they burned my cheeks, tribute to the shame and misery I felt.

I reached the copse of trees where Draco and I had gotten to know each other. I stumbled and fell to my knees, clutching myself as I cried. I sobbed from the depths of whatever was left of my soul, until I couldn't breathe, until my lungs ached and I thought I would die anyway.

I rolled to my side and cried myself into darkness.

Draco was touching me. His hand was on my shoulder, and I could feel the slight heat of him. My face felt swollen, and I peered out from beneath my lashes. Draco was crouched beside me, a worried expression marring his beautiful face. How could I have doubted him for a second? How could I have doubted us?

I smiled weakly and let Draco help me to a sitting position. "What happened?" he asked. "Pansy said she saw you run out of the castle, and you looked upset."

That was putting it mildly.

"Draco, I have some questions. About us."

Draco stretched out beside me, looking over the lake. "Go on, then," he said.

"I mean...is there any future for us?"

Draco looked at me, but it was like he didn't really see me. "Future?" he asked. "Why would there be?"

"What? Why wouldn't there be?"

I refused to see pity or dismissal in his eyes. I swore I heard him speaking, though. "You're a good fuck, Mary. The best I've had."

"What?!"

"Oh, come on. You can't be that naive."

"But...Draco, I love you!"

Draco smirked. "You think you do, but you'll get over it."

"What?! No, I will not get over it. I love you, Draco!"

Draco stood and looked down at me. "Goodbye, Mary."

"No! You can't go! You can't do this to me!" I shifted to my knees, ready to stand, but Draco was walking away without a glance.

Draco couldn't leave me. My mum had left me, Father had left me, Cho had left me. I had no wand, no friends, no family, nothing.

I wandered the edge of the forest, trying to make sense of things, but I couldn't. I cried, but nobody was there. Draco wasn't there. Mum wasn't there. Father wasn't there. Cho wasn't there.

It was dusk before I heard footsteps coming across the grass. I paid no attention though. I had nothing. I had nothing.

I heard voices, somewhere faraway. "Mary! MarySue!" I ignored them. I had nothing. No reason to go on, no way to stop.

"Mary!"

I felt a hand on my shoulder and shook it off. "Go away!"

"Mary, you're okay." It might have been Professor Sprout.

"Go away!" I cried.

"We found your wand, Mary. Come with us."

I turned and looked at them. Professor Sprout was there, with Professor Snape, who held his wand lit in front of him.

When I didn't respond, Professor Snape stepped forward, lowering his wand slightly. "Come back to the castle, Mary."

"It's MarySue!" I shouted, pulling back. "MarySue."

"MarySue," Snape crooned, and his voice was soft somehow. His eyes were deep black, mesmerizing.

"NO!" I looked away. "Go away!"

"Come with us, MarySue. This is your last chance." Snape's voice was cold now. I could tell he was trying to be intimidating, but I didn't care. I didn't care anymore.

"Leave me alone," I said slowly.

Ropes flew out of the air and wrapped around me. I screamed, but my voice disappeared, and no sound came out. I struggled, trying to scream, crying, trying to get away, but I couldn't.

"Severus!" Professor Sprout exclaimed. "What have you done?"

I felt a sense of calm wash over me, and he spoke again. I listened mindlessly.

"She was going to hurt herself," he drawled. "She was in danger. Please inform the Headmaster that it is worse than we expected. I'll be in my office."

"Severus, I am Head of Hufflepuff. Don't you think..."

"This is beyond your experience, Pamona," Snape said. "I will bring the girl to my office and you are more than welcome to join us. With the Headmaster."

"All right, then," Sprout replied. "I trust your judgment."

A moment later I felt a sensation of cold dripping down my body. I hovered just above the ground and floated to the castle, through emptier corridors and to the dungeons. Not a single student noticed me, thanks to the disillusionment charm.

Once in Snape's office the disillusionment was lifted. It was minutes before a light knock sounded at the door. Dumbledore and Sprout were ushered in by Snape, who led them to the tatty chair I sat in, still tied down, still blessedly calm and uncaring.

"How did you find her?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well," Sprout began. "You know Mr. Terrell visited, Headmaster." He nodded sagely. "Some time after he left I returned to my office and Miss Terrell's wand was in pieces on the floor. Well, I assumed the worst, what with You-Know-Who..." She looked uncomfortably at Snape, who picked up the reins.

"Pamona contacted me, fearing Dark Magic, and together we were able to locate some students who had seen her leave the castle. We began a search immediately, Headmaster."

"As well you should," Dumbledore replied, and looked at me. "Was this entirely necessary, Severus?"

"The girl was quite disturbed."

Suddenly the calm washed away, and I was left with my thoughts. "You have to let me see Draco! Mum is gone, but I still have Draco, you have to let me go!"

"Mary," Dumbledore said calmly. "Madam Pomfrey is going to speak with you privately. If we release you, will you promise to be cooperative?"

"Fine, anything, just let me go!"

Dumbledore gave Snape a slight nod, and the ropes disappeared. Snape and Sprout walked out of the room, and Madam Pomfrey walked in. Dumbledore leaned toward her, whispering something, then left us alone.

"I'm not sick," I said. "I'm not injured. You're wasting your time."

"I just want to know how you're feeling," Madam Pomfrey said gently. "Have you been sleeping?"

"Yes," I said. "Sometimes."

"Have you been eating?"

"I..." I couldn't think. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I asked if you've been eating."

"I don't know." I couldn't remember. What had she asked me? I started to panic, looking through the fog. What was the question?

I don't remember what happened after. She asked me some questions, then left me alone. As usual. Alone.

Everything is a blur until I got here. I've been in this bloody room for what seems like hours now. I thought I heard my father outside once, and Dumbledore. I thought I heard Draco. Of course, I thought I saw Draco a moment ago, thought I felt him beside me. I thought I felt his touch, but I looked and he wasn't there.

I think I'm at St. Mungo's. A Healer talked to me when I got here. They sent me in this room, with nothing but a table and two chairs. I think they're trying to decide what to do with me.

Nobody noticed the journal in my back pocket. Black leather against black isn't easy to see.

I've calmed down a lot. I decided to write this all down so everyone would understand. Well, actually I wrote this for Draco. My dad is as dead to me as my mum. Cho is dead too. All I have is Draco. He can pretend he doesn't love me, but I know the truth. I know he really does.

Draco, I really do love you. You woke up a part of me that I'd hidden so deep I never knew it existed. I didn't need anybody else when I had you, because you were everything. I know this will hurt you, but I have to do it. It was the most difficult decision I've ever made.
I don't know how to tell you everything that I feel. I can't pretend to understand why you tried to hurt me, but I know it was an act. The world is full of people pretending to be something other than what they are. I could tell by your touch, by your kiss, that we were meant for each other, and nothing short of death would part us.

I just want you to understand how much you meant to me. Maybe you'll go on. Maybe you'll find some respectable girl to marry, but I know you'll always be thinking of me. When you're naked, when your skin is heated and you feel a woman's touch, you'll think of me and remember what we had.

I hear voices in the corridor again. I think they're coming. I've made my decision, and I know it's the only way. I'll talk to Mum about it. If anyone can understand, it'll be her.

They didn't see the journal. The quill has never been used, and the point is sharp. They won't be able to stop me.

I love you, Draco. Always remember that. I love you.