One wish alone have I

Chapter 13 (part 3)
And other full moons followed...

I followed Dumbledore to the fireplace and we went directly to his office by the internal Floo network. He summoned a chair next to the one in front of his desk and sat in front of me. I felt like I was in a conference room with all those Headmasters watching and listening from their portraits, but Dumbledore was perfectly used to their presence, obviously.

“Antanasia, how are things at the Headquarters?” he asked, with a smile that made me guess he knew perfectly well what was going on… perhaps better than I did.

“Moving slowly, to be honest. There is not much for me to do, other than little contracts here and there.”

“The Order gatherings have been scarce these past weeks and from what Severus has told me, you have not been summoned to any Death Eater meetings for weeks, either.”

“That is correct. Has he?”

“Yes, though we are talking about only one or two reunions. Voldemort is definitely planning an escape that should take place in a month or two. McNair has gathered many followers among wizardkind and the number of Death Eaters is growing rapidly.”

“What do you intend to do to stop them?” I asked.

“There is not much to do for now, I’m afraid,” he answered, in a regretful tone. “Before we know exactly what plans he makes for the escape, we can only tell our guards to be particularly vigilant. On the other hand, in light of those events, there is something that you could personally do.”

“I am all ears.”

“Voldemort has recruited more followers recently, but they are all new to him. Therefore, he will rely on his oldest followers for the most important parts of the escape mission. I expect that Severus will be summoned to many meetings and be ordered tasks more often than usual until the escape is attempted. He has always been able to support his workload so far, but it might be different this time. I do not want him to strain his energies and resources too much and, knowing him the way I do, we will only know he does when he collapses face first into his plate at dinner out of exhaustion one of these evenings.”

“That is an accurate supposition indeed,” I commented, smiling at the thought of Severus snoring irreverently into a plateful of stew.

“I have been considering the idea for a few weeks, since you were sent on a mission by Voldemort. Have you been in any teaching positions before, by any chance?”

“Yes. I taught Potions at Durmstrang from 1885 to 1889. They replaced me with a wizard who could offer a more convenient schedule….”

“Did you like your experience?”

“Oh, yes!” I immediately answered. “I thought of going back to teaching for a while, and then I met Arnaud… and kept my professional life more research-oriented.”

“And what if I could offer you a position that would integrate both?”

“I would not believe my chance,” I answered, not believing what I was hearing indeed.

“Here is what I thought about,” he said, grinning at me. “We still want to keep your presence in England as discreet as possible, but you do not need to remain secluded in the Headquarters for that. From what Remus told me and what I know of your kind, seclusion and solitude are not things you enjoy for long.”

“I cannot say the contrary,” I sadly commented.

“What did Remus tell him about me?” I wondered.

“So I thought you could become Severus’ assistant until the end of the school year. I would simply tell the students and staff that an Austrian research centre made an offer to collaborate with Severus after meeting him at a convention last summer. This is what I came up with to explain his absence at the beginning of the school year. I said that he was held back by ongoing research there, which everybody believed as very few know him beyond his professional life.”

“I shall take everything you say with skepticism if you are such a good liar,” I teased.

“I would not blame you; I take everything I say with skepticism anyway, you know,” he taunted. “As I said, you could become Severus’ assistant, supposedly sent by that Austrian research centre to undertake more research here. I personally like the idea; Severus’ potential as a researcher has never really been exploited to its full potential and he could greatly contribute to improving the school’s image, especially if your own obvious talents are put together with his.”

“Thank you…” I simply said, blushing slightly.

“In addition to your research tasks, I would suggest you take a few of Severus’ classes and the remedial lessons, in order to diminish his workload.”

“I would be glad to, but… if the main goal is to diminish his workload, how will adding research time do the trick?”

“Oh, we are not talking about ambitious research projects, here,” he explained. “Just ambitious enough to make it look believable and real. That way, you two could have enough time to fufill both Voldemort’s and Hogwarts’ needs.”

“That sounds like a nice plan… though…” I hesitated.

“Yes? Is there something that worries you?”

“That kind of commitment would require me to move to Hogwarts…”

“Yes, it would. Your chambers would probably be located next to one of the unused dungeons, near Severus’ own chamber and the Slytherin dormitories. I think that would be best for you; you would be better protected from the sun and live closer to the lab. There is a lot of dungeon space that is just waiting to be used for research.”

“I see…” I replied, with a strange emotion vibrating in my voice.

“I know that the change would require you to spend more time away from the Headquarters and what it means for you…. But though I would ask you to be as discreet as possible when you are in the castle, you would be allowed to leave it as you please during nights and weekends, as long as it does not interfere with your work.”

“I understand. Who would pay for the supplies we use and the work I do?” I asked.

“The school would pay. Severus has been offered quite a few funding possibilities since he began teaching here, but he never used them. I kept them piling up, just in case… and I believe time has come for him to use them.”

“So he would be my employer…” I said, smiling ironically at the thought.

“In a way. That is what the assistant position is about…” he answered, smiling as well.

“When would I begin?”

“As soon as you wish. Actually, the sooner, the better.”

“Is it that urgent, Albus?” I asked, worrisomely.

“The term has already started; if some students have a new teacher, it would be better to introduce her soon to them. And you have seen how Severus looks; that should speak for itself about how urgent it is.”

“I understand. May I take some time to think about your offer? Not that I do not appreciate it, I really do! It is completely unexpected, but it is a very nice surprise…” I explained, with nervousness shaking my voice.

“Of course! Let me know your answer by Floo when you make up your mind.”

“One last question, Albus… does Severus know about your offer?”

“He does. I talked to him about it weeks ago.”

“What did he say?”

“That he was perfectly able to handle his workload alone like he has done during previous years… just as I expected him to say.”

“So he does not like the idea!”

\"All he said was that he does not like the idea of having to admit that he needs help. Not for teaching, not for preparing lessons, not for, say, wrapping bandages with only one hand…” he commented, with a mischievous smile.

“I see your point, Albus. I will let you know my decision very soon.”

“I expect you to. Good afternoon, then,” he said, rising from his seat and handing me a bag of Floo powder.

“Good afternoon, Albus,” I said, bowing my head. “Potions classroom!”

I preferred to Floo myself to his classroom and knock at his office door, in case he did not want to be disturbed. The classroom was obviously empty, so I walked to his office as calmly as I could and rapped my fingers against the door.

“What is it?” snapped an irritated voice, behind the door.

“It is me… can I come in?” I said, as neutrally as I could.

“What do you want?” he said, opening the door for me from his seat in the back of the room.

“I just came to see if you were ok…”

“Obviously not; I burned my hand. It hurts terribly. I made a fool of myself in front of a whole classroom and of all classrooms it had to be that one. And I ruined one of my work robes! In a nutshell, I am having a very bad day,” he retorted grumpily, struggling with bandages that he tried to place around his wrist.

“Do not say that, Severus! It could have happened to anybody! I made messes with that spell that you would not even begin to imagine! There was no way you could have held it strong with the suddenness of the burn!”

“And what about the suddenness of the intrusion?” he snapped, still struggling with the fine gauze strips that even started to form knots.

“I already apologized for that, I think. It was stupid of me to hide like that and spy on you. I am sorry I did. What more do you want me to say?”

“I want to know why you were there,” he sharply asked, struggling with a knot, this time.

“I felt completely bored at the Headquarters and… and I remembered what you said about coming back here and marking parchments if I felt like it one night… and I did feel like it, I guess, because I came here… but you were teaching and I thought it would be nice to see how you teach, to know that part of you,” I explained, struggling with my words in my surprise to be so openly honest with him. “I should not have come; I am sorry.”

“Well, now that you are here, make yourself useful, at least,” he said, rising his injured arm to me.

I dragged a chair in front of him and started undoing the numerous knots he had managed to make during his struggle with the gauze strips. While I did, however, I realised that he did not have his robes on anymore… and that his frock coat was hung on the back of the chair he was sitting on. The ends of his white silk tie were hanging loosely on each side of his neck and I could get a nice view of his upper throat from his partly unbuttoned collar. I think that sight made me add a few more knots to the lot before I could really concentrate on what I was doing and undo them properly.

“Albus made me an offer, Severus,” I began, while carefully wrapping his hand with the bandages. “He told me you know about it.”

“I do,” he said, looking attentively at what I did to his hand.

“And? What do you think I should do?” I asked, tentatively.

“It is not my decision to make, Antanasia. I told Albus what I think; he made you the offer. Do what you want to do and I will oblige him,” he flatly answered, which greatly disappointed me.

“I guess I will have to be content with that,” I thought.

I finished wrapping his hand in silence. He winced a couple of times, but did not say a word either. His hand was burning hot between mine and I felt terribly guilty about my foolishness and really wished to be elsewhere as soon as possible. Once I completed my task and secured the layers of gauze together with the proper charm, I got up and walked to the fireplace.

“Just in case it still hurts, Severus…” I said, turning back to face him, “an infusion of Mandrake leaves would help with it.”

“As far as I know, I am nowhere near the third stage of labour, Antanasia…” he retorted, with an ironic smile.

“I had figured that out, by now,” I replied, calmly, “despite the typical irritability you are displaying at the moment. Nevertheless, the infusion does help a great deal with all burning sensations and I think it would help you. That is a little tip I have taken from a very good book I know…”

“Which is?” he asked, rising an eyebrow.

“Antanasia’s best kept secrets for potion making…. Some wizard told me that another book of that kind exists somewhere, but I do not remember exactly…” I answered, smiling at him, who answered with something that suggested a smile, too. “Where did you put your robes? Maybe I can wash the stains off?”

“I doubt you will, but if it amuses you,” he said, rising from his seat and retrieving his robes that had been tossed on a chair in a corner of the room. “You can have them.”

“Thank you. I will try to make all of this go away…” I said, taking the black (and orange) piece of clothing he handed me. “And now I guess I should leave now before I hurt anybody else. Good evening, Severus.”

“Antanasia… why did you come here today?” he asked.

“Because I missed you too much, like the stupid little childe I am…” I spontaneously thought.

“It does not matter. It is not important,” I answered, taking a handful of Floo powder.

“Good evening…” he curtly replied.

~*~

When I emerged from the fireplace, Remus was still on the loveseat, reading… and listening to a very sad jazz song. I remembered at once the painful conversation we had had just before I left and felt quite ashamed of myself. I threw my cloak, along with Severus’ robes, over one of the armrests and sat next to him. He said nothing for several minutes, eyes still fixed on his book, and I waited patiently for him to make the first move to see if it would be a friendly one or not. Just after the piano solo ended, he looked up from his book and… when his eyes met Severus’ robes next to me, they lit up with anger.

“I will not ask you where you have been, I think I know,” he articulated, with a coldness that I did not know of him.

“I have been to Hogwarts…” I explained, frowning slightly.

“Yeah… to Hogwarts, no doubt…” he answered, sarcastically.

“You are still angry with me for the things I said earlier… and you have every right to. I am sorry for the awful things I said…”

“I’m not angry with you, Tasia, I’m disappointed!”

“Disappointed? Why?” I asked, genuinely puzzled.

“Isn’t it obvious? We never got to the bottom of that discussion we had about our relationship, Tasia! You know why? Because you’re scared to tell me the truth!”

“And what truth should I tell you?” I asked, trembling for the answer that was to come.

“You have no intention to give our relationship a future, am I right?”

“No intention is a bit strong, Remus… I never promised you anything about such a future…”

“I know! But I hoped it would change and I see that it hasn\'t! You get more depressed with each passing week! How more obvious would you like it to be!”

“And you? Are you happy in this relationship or not? You do not really sound like you are…” I tentatively said.

“Of course I’m not! I’m mortified to see you like this! Have you known from the beginning that it would not work or is it something you just realised a few weeks ago?” he retorted, very tensely.

“I do not know, Remus! It is difficult for me to figure it out!” I exclaimed, feeling a mounting lump in my throat.

“Well, here is something to help you figure it out! You’re not the only Legilimens here! I received basic training for that, too! I figured out who was on your mind when you spent hours alone upstairs in the drawing room! And anyway, to be honest, I did not even need to use the few little skills I have to figure it out; a quick look at your resting room should have opened my eyes far earlier! He is everywhere in there and from what I see, you’re about to add something new to your collection! How do you think it made me feel when I realised that?”

“Remus, it is really not what you think!” I exclaimed, horrified at the thought that he might think I was being unfaithful to him. “Nothing happened between us, I swear!”

“I know! And that’s precisely what the problem is, isn’t it?” he bellowed, his voice terribly hoarse with his hurt and fury. “Did you do it on purpose? Huh? Was it convenient for you to use the credulous guy who had nothing better to do with his time than wait for you at home like a good dog? Is that what I am to you? A replacement?”

“Remus, of course not!” I exclaimed, on the merge of tears.

“Something nice to make the waiting easier to endure? Well the nice doggy has feelings, Tasia, in case you haven’t noticed before!”

“Remus! Remus stop saying those horrible things! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to use you as a replacement!” I cried, grabbing his arm with tears flowing over my cheeks.

“But you never meant to give me a true chance either!” he angrily spat, removing his arm from my grip and rising from his seat. “Go ahead, say it! Say it just like all the others before you who said or meant it without having the guts to tell me! You got tired of the scars? Sexy at first and disgusting after a while, huh? Tired of the attacks on the full moon? Too much trouble to take care of a guy who can’t even make a living? Who will never manage to do something with his life and support a family? Or is it that you’re scared I might transmit the disease to you?”

“Remus, I would never say those things! I will never mean them! It has nothing to do with your lycanthropy! It has nothing to do with who you are!” I sobbed. “It has everything to do with who I am! I… I came here and I was already confused… and then I met you and you were like a breath of fresh air in my afterlife! When I kissed you for the first time, Remus Lupin, I did it with my heart! You surely could feel it, couldn’t you? You say you have Legilimency skills, did you not feel all that coming from me?”

He did not answer. I felt the urge to just run away from that house, from England, from the Wizarding world, all at the same time. I both felt ashamed of my behaviour and yet I also felt hurt by Remus’ harsh accusations. I felt like throwing myself at his feet to beg for his forgiveness and yet knew that there was something he did not understand. As a result, I just stayed frozen on my seat, sobbing softly. His hand on my shoulder startled me.

“Look,” he said, in a very tired and restrained voice. “I don’t think we are in the mood for a decent conversation right now. Why don’t we postpone it until we have dinner, when we are both more rested and calm? In the meantime, it is I who will go out for a walk. I think there are some emotions that just need to vent into the cold…”

“I think that is a good idea, Remus,” I said, putting my hand over his… and he did not remove it this time. “But before you leave… just let me tell you that I am deeply sorry for hurting your feelings. I never, ever meant to hurt you and I hope you will find a way to forgive me for making your heart bleed.”

“We shall see,” he only said, before he removed his hand and walked out, turning the record player off on the way.

Once more, his absence made a cacophony of noises in my mind, but I tried to appreciate my solitude a bit better. I needed it, and Remus and I would have probably torn our hearts to pieces if he had not walked out at that point of the conversation. He proved to be far wiser that I was on that particular occasion, and now that I can look back at it with a calmer heart, I can say that his behaviour only raised him in my esteem.

Sitting in front of the fireplace, I instinctively grabbed the shawl that was wrapped around my shoulders, as always. I barely had time to shiver at the thought that, once again, I had reached for Severus’ presence to comfort me before the shawl seemed to come to life under my fingers. I felt it become warmer and hug me very softly, as if I was receiving the welcoming embrace of a friend. Curiously, memories started coming back to me a few minutes later. First, happy memories of my time in Zaharia… like Ivantie’s last rebirthday party. I first laughed, remembering how Niculaie had gotten so drunk that he had ended up standing on a table, his tie placed around his head, singing his national hymn along with Marcela, who was singing hers… they made quite a duo!

If I first laughed, it did not last and I cried some more. I had not acknowledged how much I missed my people. I missed the Carpathian Mountains, I missed Zaharia, its beauty, its mysteries… that good old Ernie, I missed him, too! And my friends… Ivantie, more than anybody else. Ivantie with whom I had quarrelled so hard before my abrupt departure, in the name of a wizard who had not even thanked me for my gesture! I wondered if all that had been worth it, after all.

And then Valerica’s words resounded in my head, almost unnaturally, as if she wanted to stop my train of thought and reorient it. It came to me that I had a place in England. I had a purpose. Those things had happened for a reason and the Goddess had even given me some of them. Valerica had warned me that Remus would change something in my life; that he had a role to play, too. But I had to keep in mind that his purpose was not to share my life as my partner… Valerica had warned me that it might not have been wise to let him come too close to my soul… and I had done exactly the opposite. I refused to see it as a mistake, then, just as I refuse to see it as such now. Remus played his role beautifully and healed many wounds in my heart and soul. My only regret is that his expectations were bitterly unfufilled and he was hurt in the process. It became clear to me that the thing for me to do was just to summon up the courage to play my own role, from then on.

And let the lycanthropic fade away after he gave me the lily that healed my wounds.

Remus came back in a much calmer state of mind, after a long walk that kept him out for over two hours. He was frozen and wet when he removed his cloak and ran upstairs to change his clothes. To my relief, he seemed glad to accept the bowl of soup I offered him as soon as he came back in the kitchen. There was still sadness between us when we sat together, but we talked much more calmly.

I began by explaining how I had realised that my lasting sadness was caused by something that Remus could do little about. I told him about all the things I missed and he did not seem surprised at all when he heard me pour out my heart about this.

“Why didn’t you tell me before about how homesick you are, Tasia?” he replied, taking my hand in his and plunging his greyish eyes into mine. “Did you think I would not be able to understand?”

“No! Of course not! I… I am not sure I really realised how homesick I was…”

“I knew that a life of seclusion would affect you sooner or later. And being so far from nature, living in the middle of London…”

“I am not really used to living on my own. Cainites are more on the gregarious side; that is why we usually regroup in Clans. And now, being a caitiff…”

“I understood that more than you think… and I am not the only one who did. Has Dumbledore made you his offer?” he asked.

“You knew?” I exclaimed in surprise. “How come you knew and did not tell me about it?”

“It is I who alerted Dumbledore about your mood, after the holidays. He already had the offer in mind, and it only gave him one more good reason to make it to you.”

“Why did you alert him, Remus?”

“I thought you would get used to your life here. I did my best to make your acclimatising easier, but I agree with you; life here is a lonely one. And I don’t think I can suffice to make it better…” he added, very sadly.

“Yes, life here is a lonely one. And what kind of person would I be if I left? Your life here would become terribly lonely once again!”

“Do not tell me this is what is stopping you!” he replied, in a slightly reproachful tone.

“In a way, yes! I feel bad about about leaving you alone here, especially after all you did for me… after all the things we shared… and there are the Legilimency treatments…”

“Tasia,” he sighed, after a small pause. “You can still do all those things from Hogwarts, if that’s really what you want to do. You know that you will never be a caitiff here. My door will always be open for you…”

“You would be able to accept this?” I asked, a bit surprised.

“I don’t feel I even have the choice. This is a wonderful opportunity for you, Tasia. What kind of man would I be if I didn’t encourage you to take it? I, for one, know how pleasant it is to teach at Hogwarts… you would live in a castle filled with people again… plus there’s all that research that you could do… I know you’ve been itching to do some for months.”

“I will not say the contrary…”

“Then accept the offer. It will pain me to let you go and live here without expecting you to pop into the kitchen in late afternoon, but I will get used to it, just like I always have. Besides,” he added, after a small pause, “I think it would even be better for us to just spend some time away from each other.”

“I can understand your anger, but--”

“It’s not just about anger, Tasia,” he interrupted, firmly but gently. “I told you that my door would always be open for you, and it will always be. But for now, I need some time on my own. I am not the kind of wizard who feels comfortable in a relationship that is more than friendship and less than a complete commitment. I should have told you before, I know, but just like you, there are some things I only figured out recently.”

“I am glad things are becoming a bit clearer between us, Remus. I, too, realised that this type of relationship cannot last longer without the two of us being more and more hurt. Valerica had warned me, the Great Dragon had warned me… but I did not really listen until tonight,” I said, very seriously. “Nevertheless, I will still miss you all the same, and I want you to believe that,” I added, giving in to a wave of tenderness. “I do not want our relationship to evolve from this to nothing… that would be no evolution at all. If I go live in Hogwarts, would you still let me come back from time to time to visit my little wolf…?”

“That is what I meant by leaving my door open for you,” he answered, with a sad smile. “But for now… as I just can’t keep my hands off you whenever you’re around, I need a break. That potion will not be an easy one to swallow and I think you can understand that.”

“Yes… of course I can,” I gravely said.

“So you will accept Dumbledore’s offer?”

“Yes… I will,” I answered, a bit more convincingly.

“Then you are making the right choice,” he commented, while a painful but genuine pinch in my heart whispered to me that he was telling the truth indeed.

“When do you want me to leave?” I asked, feeling a nervous lump in my throat.

“Tomorrow is a Saturday… it would be a good time for you to move; you would have two whole nights to settle down before the week begins,” he suggested.

It sounded awfully soon and made the lump in my throat double, but I merely nodded, blinking away the furtive tears that filled my eyes.

“Until then, if you don’t mind…” he added, hesitantly. “Call me sentimental, but I don’t really like coldness after fights… and I already told you that I am not good at restraining myself when you are around… so why don’t we act as if tomorrow was not the big goodbye, but just a small one?”

“Agreed,” I simply said, taking the hand he was offering me.

I quickly put the most difficult task of the evening behind me and Flooed Dumbledore to let him know my decision. His expression told me a lot about the things he really knew about Remus and me. He smiled, showing me that he was pleased to hear that I accepted his offer, and yet there was some kind of comforting sadness in his voice when he told me that he would be glad to welcome me to the school the following evening.

Remus and I spent the evening and a part of the night curled up on the loveseat in front of the fireplace, listening to our favourite swing and jazz records, just like he had planned… and unlike what I expected when I woke up at the beginning of that horrible afternoon, I enjoyed and savoured every minute of it. We both did our best to keep the big goodbye that was to come as far away from our minds as possible, but it haunted the room everywhere around us all the same. It was probably what made him hold me so tight in his powerful arms, when our exhausted bodies finally drifted to sleep. And I think it was what made me hold him even tighter.

~*~

FOOTNOTE
A caitiff is a cainite without a clan... or in exile from his or her clan.

AUTHOR’S NOTES
Just a comment... I know that some of you do not like the \"Remus detour\" as I call it. You have expressed it quite clearly already; there is no need to write more reviews if you just want to comment that again (though if some of you do like that detour, I need some encouragements, please!) I twisted the plot like that for a reason I thoroughly considered for a while and I think it just makes the plot sound more realistic and less \"Hollywood-like\" where things change abruptly and answer the viewer/reader\'s needs too fast and in a simplistic way.

I most sincerely hope that you will stick with me and eventually see the point of all this (which goes beyond the mere sexual aspect of it). I pray that the other parts of Chapter 13 (like this one) and especially chapter 14 will satisfy you better.

I am still writing every day and chapter 14 part 1 is in editing right now! Just be patient; your encouragement is always precious!