The legacy of the Diary

Legacy of the diary
By Luciusfan

Chapter 17 – Confessions, Apologies, and Tears

Hermione was not aware of what woke her but slowly felt herself emerge from the peaceful enveloping sleep that had banished her worries and cares and left her lying, smiling, on the white cotton backdrop. As she emerged from this unconsciousness however, the thoughts and cares, like ghosts, seemed to gather and swarm, finding cracks in her awakening and filling her mind with worry and her stomach with a knotted tension. She fought against it for as long as possible, willing herself back into the idyllic sleep where nothing mattered and into a dream of a faceless wizard and spiralling pleasure. It was no good. Head still sunk into the pillow, on her side, her eyes opened. Like a door being flung open, dread and guilt filled her, now conscious, mind.

What have I done?

She sat up feeling sick and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She hunched over, head in hands, massaging the sleep from her eyes and willing her brain to start thinking logically. But only one thought pervaded her mind.

What have I done?

She looked up, the dawn light cast long shadows across the floor, but the window by the bed was casting enough light to illuminate the crystal bottle, lying, virtually empty, surrounded by a darkened patch of patterned rug.

No! …Oh no!

Hermione jumped from the bed and over to the bottle, which she gingerly picked up and cradled in her hands. Memories of the previous night flooded back and she blushed then blanched at the thought of her actions and her enjoyment.

It had been a betrayal of Harry, a betrayal of Severus and most of all a betrayal of herself. She knew she could not have Lucius yet had allowed herself to fall deeper for him by using the oil.

The oil. Now she thought she knew what it did. It was obviously a very powerful potion – perhaps even with an added charm. She had to find out more about it. She lifted the bottle to eye level and looked in dismay at the meagre teaspoonful left, preserved only by the bottle’s spherical shape. It had been unable to completely empty itself into the rug and Hermione was at least thankful for that. She had enough to do a few basic potion experiments on it.

It took all her willpower not to pour the last few drops of oil into her hand and climb back onto her bed, and she scolded herself for feeling so wanton. But her insides felt hollow and twisted as she replaced the stopper. Could she live the rest of her life and not feel his hands on her again? She wanted to cry. What was it? Lust? Shame? Grief? …Love? A lump rose to her throat and she swallowed it back and shook herself mentally. Pragmatism was what was required now. She would take a shower, go to breakfast, teach her classes and go and see Harry. It was becoming the normal pattern of her days and she was suddenly grateful for the routine. Placing the bottle carefully in the drawer of the bedside table she headed for the shower.


~~~xx~~~

‘Well, it’s been a good day – the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff fourth years were really funny this morning. We were doing some ‘Three Lifetimes’ casting – it’s amazing how many of them decided they would be coming back next time as Minister for Magic or hey, surprise, surprise – a champion seeker…’

Hermione’s giggles trailed off as she looked into Harry’s blank face. God, how she longed for him to just open his eyes and laugh with her. She looked down at his hand in hers and squeezed it tightly.

‘Oh, Harry, I wish you were back with us. I so need a friend right now. Everything in my life seems so muddled up. I’ve made a mess of everything. I thought I loved Severus, we had something really good starting until Lucius Malfoy came on the scene. I can’t describe the feelings I have for Lucius though, Harry. He just…he completes me. Part of me is terrified of him, that cold stare, his past. I know all about the things that he’s done. But to be honest, that’s what excites me. I feel I’ve lived such a safe life. I never really got into trouble – apart from the odd scrape with you!’ She stopped to giggle again, then went on. ‘I was such a swot at school, and now I see kids like me in my classes and I want to shake them, to tell them to get out there and take a risk, live a little. I hope you won’t hate me. Your two arch enemies- Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy - and I’ve been to bed with both of them! But it doesn’t make me love you any less. And I will find out what happened to you Harry… who did this. And if it was Lucius Malfoy then it won’t matter how much I love him – I’ll make him pay. I think, deep down, I know it was him – that’s why I feel so guilty about using the oil. I want him – but don’t want to get involved with a murderer.’

Hermione now sat staring at the floor, her mind whirring, trying to make a decision.
‘I have to go back to Severus, to apologise. I need to be with someone, to be loved and cared for and I know he will do that. I care for him a great deal. Who knows, together we could bring your attacker to justice?’ Hermione squeezed Harry’s hand again, stood up and kissed him softly on the forehead. ‘I’d better go, goodbye…’

She gazed at his face for one last minute, imagining him opening his eyes and saying goodbye. Lost in thought she did not notice the ruffles in the curtain surrounding his bed and put the soft footsteps down to the ward witch on her evening rounds.

~~~XX~~~

Once back at Hogwarts she hurried into the castle – a woman on a mission. She headed straight for the dungeons and for Severus’ rooms. She stopped outside the door and got her breath back, resting against the cold stone while she thought about what she was going to say. She straightened up and brushed herself down, raising a loose fist ready to knock. As she stood, hand in mid-air, the door was pulled open and a stormy looking Severus jumped in surprise.

“Yes?” He recovered his composure and stared at Hermione.
“Oh, I…er…Sorry, were you just going out?” Oh, no! All those carefully rehearsed words and she had come across like a gibbering fool!

“Well, I was just going to the Great Hall for the end of dinner. I haven’t eaten, have you?”
“Well, no. But I don’t really feel like the Great Hall just now.” Her face fell and she concentrated hard on a nonchalant look. “It doesn’t matter, I’ll catch you another time.” She turned half heartedly to leave but Severus swept forward and caught her wrist. “No…please. I’d like to talk to you... we could eat dinner here if you like?” There was a note of gentle pleading in his voice and Hermione’s heart melted just a little. “Ok.”

Severus dropped her wrist and led the way back into his room, he crossed to the fireplace where he threw a pinch of floo powder into the flames and called to the house-elves in the kitchen to bring them dinner. Hermione had scarcely sat down in one of the wing chairs in front of the fire when the dishes arrived over on a side table. Severus walked over to them, lifting silver domes and glancing at the contents. The smell was delicious but Hermione had no appetite.

“Shall I serve?”

“Can it wait? I really want to talk to you.” Hermione looked nervously at him.

“Of course.” He pulled his wand from his robes and cast a charm over the food to keep it hot, then moved back to the fireplace.
He drew the other chair closer to Hermione’s and sat down, taking hold of her hands in his and running his thumbs tenderly across her knuckles.

“Actually I wanted to talk to you too. I…”

“…Severus…”

“…No, please, Hermione, let me just say this. I wanted to apologise. I’m truly sorry for the way I acted, and for my deception that night in the Room of Requirement. Lucius had done such a perfect job of creating an environment to seduce you. I was jealous. I want you so much – that’s why I lied and that’s why I was so furious when you called his name when I was massaging you…”

“…Wait, Severus, I came here tonight to apologise to you. I really am sorry about what happened in the Room of Requirement. I…I wasn’t myself. And I’m sorry for barging in and throwing those flowers at you the other day.”

“Those weren’t from me you know.” He spoke softly looking into her eyes.

“I know.” She looked down guiltily at her hands where his thumbs continued to caress. “I sent the ones you gave me to Harry.”

“I know – I saw them there, when…” He stopped himself quickly.

“...when you went to visit Harry. Yes I know you’ve been to see him, though I don’t know why!”

“I know that I give the outward appearance of hating Harry, but I really don’t hate him that much, Hermione.”

“So what, you’ve been there holding his hand and talking to him like I have?” She released her hands from Severus’ grip and sat back in her chair exasperated.

His gaze, however had turned into one of concern.
“So you’ve talked to him? What have you said?” His tone was urgent.

“Said?…er,” Hermione was puzzled. “What does it matter what I’ve said?” Her tone was now defiant.

“Oh, no … it probably doesn’t but you should know that in all likelihood he can hear you.”

Hermione went a shade of crimson, thinking about some of the details she had shared with Harry. “How do you know?”

“Well, I’ve...” He seemed to cast around for the words he needed. “I’ve been attempting legilimency…”

“Attempting?”

“Yes, I’ve tried four times now. You had mentioned to Minerva that Harry had been going to tell you something. We need to know what it was. It may help us find out who is responsible.”

“So what have you seen?”

“Not a great deal so far, Harry is mentally still capable of blocking me. His occlumency skills demonstrate that he is far from dying and is aware of his visitors. In the first visit, when he was weaker I saw him in his quidditch robes, speaking to a deatheater. I only saw the deatheater from behind. The second time I tried, the deatheater took off his mask, but again I could not see who it was and the hood was never lowered…”

“You think it’s Lucius don’t you?”

“Yes, Hermione, I do. But I’ve seen no more. It’s as though he knows it’s me trying to look into his mind and is afraid that I am involved.”

Hermione looked, down thoughtfully and took Severus’ hands – this time she held his hands in hers.
“We’ll do it together.”

“Do what? What are you talking about Hermione?”

“We’ll go to Harry and you could try legilimency again. If I’m there to reassure him, he may open up a little and show you more. We need to know what happened!”

“It’s worth a try. But …but what if it turns out to be Lucius?”

“So what if it does?”

“But you love him don’t you?” Severus once again looked into Hermione’s large sad eyes, his own eyes longing and pleading with her.
“I…I don’t know…what makes you think that?”

“I saw you.”

Hermione was taken aback “Where? In the Room of Requirement? It was only once! He got me drunk…” The words tumbled out and were instantly regretted. This time it was Severus who pulled his hands away and buried his face in them. So they had ‘been’ together. His suspicions had been confirmed.

“Hermione, I need to tell you something. It’s about us, and the diary and Malfoy and Dumbledore…”

“Dumbledore?…What?”

“Yes…just listen…”

Hermione’s colour rose from crimson to puce as she listened to Severus tell her about Dumbledore’s meddling actions with them and her old diary and about what he had shown Severus in the pensieve. How dare he violate her like that? Her own private thoughts and dreams! But at least it confirmed her feelings. Maybe she was in love with Malfoy? Or at least infatuated. She tried to calm herself.

“Severus, I’m truly sorry for what you saw. But don’t you see, I did nothing with Lucius until the day you spurned me because of what you saw?”

“I realise that… now! But I still need to know how you feel about Lucius. Do we have any future together?”

“To be honest, I don’t know. I do care for you a great deal.” She stood up and leant against the mantelpiece, arms folded, feeling the gentle warmth of the embers warming the back of her legs. Severus stood up in front of her and hesitantly slipped his arms round her waist, trying to read her body language, looking for signs of rejection. None came. She dropped her folded arms to his waist then pulled herself against him, burying her head into his robes and releasing weeks of pent up tears. He held her head as she sobbed forcefully, emotions completely overwhelming her. It felt so good to be held, to be loved and cared for.

The tears continued to flow, soaking into the coarse black cloth as Hermione’s whole body shuddered and convulsed in his arms. It felt so good to hold her again, even if it was just to comfort her. What was he thinking? She had been through so much emotional turmoil in the last few weeks and much of it had been his fault. He held her even closer to him and ignored the silent tears falling down his own face.