Afraid to Live, Afraid to Die

**Please do not comment on how I write. It's simple. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. If there are mistakes however, you are more than welcome to point those out. This is Harry/Snape and will get dirty at some point, so please be patient.**



Italics - Harry's Writing

Bold - Mental Speaking



CHAPTER SIXTEEN: I JUST WANNA FLY, THROW IT ALL AWAY



I see you try to avoid me

You ain’t so friendly

Cold like ice

I can see what that means


Ice ~ The Rasmus




Snape appeared on the doorstep just as Harry and the EMT’s reached the bottom landing. Without warning both of the men were Oblivated, and back in their vehicle within seconds. With all of Harry’s belongings collected, they left the Dursley’s for possibly the last time. Once again, they Apparated from the same spot as last year. However, the destination was different. There, nestled in a forest scene, was a small cottage with a white fence enclosing what looked to be a garden.


As they drew closer, the only sign of life Harry saw were several smoke stacks in the distance. Upon reaching the gate, he saw that the garden wasn’t very colorful, and concluded that it was a potion ingredients garden. Opening the door to the pale green cottage, the tall man ushered him inside. It was everything the dungeon at school wasn’t. Large windows occupied the entire sidewall, illuminating the light-colored room. The walls were painted a pastel blue, and the cream couch had light and dark blue pillows. There were no Muggle luxuries, no TV, just the view of the woods behind the home.


A dark warm brown armchair sat next to the tall bookshelves that filled an entire wall. The walls were adorned with a few paintings of landscapes here and there, but there weren’t any photos of Snape’s family anywhere. A white blanket that was thrown over the back of the couch, matched the white rug that was centered in the middle of the room. To his right was the kitchen, that was also light in color, and across from that was the dining room. Snape passed between the two down the hallway into the rest of the house.


As Harry followed the dark man down the hall, he spied the door to the bathroom and what appeared to be a linen closet next to it. Near the end of the hall was a pair of French doors that he could tell was the master bedroom, and at the end was a set of stairs leading down. Across from Snape’s bedroom was the guest room that they entered, the older man unshrinking Harry’s trunk at the end of the bed.


“The bathroom next door is yours to use, if you make a mess, you clean it. There are towels on the shelves across from the sink; the laundry room is next to the stairs should you need it. The stairs lead to my potions lab, since you seem so fond of joining me when I work. Make yourself comfortable,” Snape said, leaving Harry to his own devices.


The walls were a light cream color, while the bedspread was a burgundy color. Harry moved to the exceptionally large closet, revealing that it was a walk-in closet that he would probably never need. There wasn’t a lot in the room, and Harry suspected that Snape didn’t have a lot of visitors here in his cottage. Wandering out of his room, Harry checked out the bathroom, taking note that the color was pale yellow and white.


He found his dominus in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. Taking one of the chairs from the bar-like counter opposite of the rest of the kitchen, he dragged it to sit at the island. Apparently his Nodui was just as good in the kitchen as he was in the potions lab. After they ate, Snape sat at the desk in the main room, while Harry took up residence on the couch and gazed out the window.


They spent their days in comfortable silence, Harry often looking through the massive collection of books, unable to comprehend some of them. Snape spent his summer days making potions; which wasn’t unusual; and his evenings sitting in one of the three couches watching the sun set. He often spent the mornings out in his small garden; watering, pulling weeds, and harvesting the fully-grown plants. Harry spent his mornings helping him, but when Snape disappeared into the lab he would often wander the forest, enjoying the freedom of his first Dursley-free summer in several years. Then in the evenings he would curl up on a couch, sometimes next to Snape, and read one of the books he had found.


One day Harry came down into the potions lab, surprised by the sheer size of it. The darkened room seemed to span the entire living space above. He found Snape in the far corner, several cauldrons filled with potions. Occupying one of the stools, Harry watched his teacher multi-task.


“What are you doing?” The young boy inquired.


“Preparing potions, just in case the war doesn’t go the way we all hope. Shouldn’t you be outside on a day like this?” Came Snape’s response.


Harry merely shrugged. Looking at the walls lined with shelves of ingredients, he stood, moving closer to read the labels. “Do you have a Verruqueuse Africaine?”


Snape gave him a suspicious look. “I have two of them. What do you know about them?”


Harry gave him an innocent look. “We used one in the Time Traveling spell. Ron and Ginny…died to get it…” Green eyes darted away, the death of his friends still painful.


The tall man nodded once. “Should I not survive, feel free to use anything you find here.”


Harry laughed mentally, the sound bitter. “We’re bonded. I probably won’t live long after you.”


“Then do tell your little Gryffindor friends about my store here, but only with your last breath, in that case,” A smirk appeared on the older man’s face.


Harry was shocked. “Was that a joke? I think it was! Oh Merlin! Cranky, sarcastic Snape just cracked a joke! Someone inform the press!”


The pale man snorted. “I hardly think it warrants that much response.”


Smiling, Harry returned to his previous seat, resting his elbow, which cradled his head, on the table in front of him.


“You really do enjoy making potions, don’t you?” Harry asked, after several long minutes of watching the fluid grace of the man, surrounded in his element.


Snape gave him a strange look. “Why else would I pick this job? Just like you want to be an Auror, right?”


Harry sighed, drawing abstract, invisible scribbles on the dark wood. “I wanted that once, but I’m so tired of fighting.”


“Then what will you do? Surely not become a Quidditch Player, you don’t look like you enjoy that when you play anymore,” Snape said, adding an ingredient to one of the bubbling potions.


“Merlin, no. I have enough fame as it is. Besides, when I get hurt, so would you, and I don’t like to hurt you. I was thinking of actually using my fame and reputation for something good,” Harry responded.


“Like what?”


“Like maybe fundraising. For the families of the aftermath of the war to come. For witch and wizard orphans to have somewhere to go, so that we don’t have another Voldemort on our hands,” Harry said, his eyes avoiding Snape’s.


“I think that’s a great idea. One of the best you’ve ever had, in fact,” Snape was impressed.


“I have my account at Gringotts set up to go to charity should I die,” The boy shrugged.


Snape nodded, his full attention drifting back to his potions after a few moments of silence. All too soon it was the day their bond took the next step. Harry lay awake in Snape’s guest room, green eyes staring up at the white ceiling as the hours ticked away. As it neared midnight, Harry turned to stare at the clock, watching the black minute hand countdown his time with Snape.


Somewhere in the house a clock chimed midnight, and Harry felt a slight tug on the bond. As if their invisible connection wanted him to join the older man in the other room. He felt a slight burning sensation along his right hip, and Harry moved the waistband of his pajama bottoms to look at the offending spot. It started as a small black dot, but in a few short seconds it began to spread.


The design he was left with was the same one that circled his left ankle. Letting out a breath that he hadn’t known he was holding in, the boy felt relieved. For upon waking the morning after his collapse in Snape’s class, he had feared that the mark had been some prank pulled on him. Thankful that he now knew that the mark had to do with their bond, Harry smiled fondly.


Although, now he wondered if Snape had a mark akin to his somewhere on his body. It wouldn’t surprise him if the teacher did; the man was adept at concealing information. Harry blamed it on curiosity that drew him out of bed and across the hall into the darkened master bedroom. By the light of the quarter moon, he made his way to the side of the bed, looking down at Snape’s seemingly sleeping face.


There over the left eye was a black mark, similar to his; only it seemed powerful, strong on him, as if to convey that Snape truly was the dominant one. Harry felt a shiver run up his back, as images of a dominant Snape filled his mind. Green eyes traveled down the sleeping man’s body, to the right hand that rested upon a breathing chest. Another mark was there, encircling his wrist. Only Snape’s regular black clothes could have hidden that mark.


“Enjoying the view?” Snape’s voice startled him.


“How long have you been awake?” Harry countered the question with another question.


“From the moment you got up from bed.”


“Oh, well, why didn’t you say anything?” Harry met black eyes in the pale light.


“I wanted to see what you would do,” Snape stated simply.


“Obviously not a lot,” Harry shrugged.


“It was the Gryffindor in you. There’s no way you would have taken advantage of someone you thought was sleeping,” A black eyebrow rose in amusement.


“I guess not,” Harry smiled.


“Get some sleep, Potter. You’re going to Black’s place after breakfast,” Snape said.


“All right. Goodnight Sev,” Harry had just turned to leave when he heard a loud rustling sound from Snape’s bed.


“Get in, Potter. This has to last a week,” Snape’s voice came from the dark.


Once more turning, this time towards the bed, Harry saw that Snape had moved over and had lifted the covers, inviting him into his bed. Climbing into the warm vacated spot, the boy smiled. His eyes had only just drifted shut when he felt Snape press up against his back, an arm slithering around his waist. Comforted by the warmth of his dominus, the bond felt content for the first time since the new stage started, Harry slipped into a peaceful sleep.


Morning saw them seated at Grimmauld Place’s long table, Mrs. Weasley trying to serve them a second breakfast. Snape left scowling, as Sirius harassed him the entire time he was there. Only a few hours later, Sirius approached Harry while he was reading.


“How’s the Animagus training going?” Sirius asked.


“All right, I guess. Every night I meditate before bed, but I just can’t take that last step. Almost like something’s blocking me,” Harry explained.


“Hmm…Let me see you try,” Sirius said.


Harry nodded. Moving, he settled himself in a comfortable position on the floor. Closing his eyes, Harry cleared his mind first, before envisioning a wooded area rushing by; almost like he was running. Blurs of browns and greens blurred, becoming almost like a canvas of mixed paint. A light appeared in front of him, as Harry raced towards it. A black dot materialized in the midst of white, becoming larger as he drew closer. Suddenly just as he’s about to run into the black shape, everything stops dead in its track.


Then out of nowhere, he felt a pressure on his back; like a giant paw; push him the last few steps, causing him to collide with the dark shape. Harry felt his body change, and he only opened his eyes once he was sure it was over. His view of the room was shorter than normal and he noticed that Sirius was grinning at him like a madman. From that look, Harry knew that he had finally accomplished what he’d been struggling to do for nearly two years.


Sirius summoned a mirror and held it up for Harry. Instead of his own familiar reflection, there was a cat. His Animagus form was that of a lynx; although the green eyes and scars were still present; he looked like a normal lynx. Large ears with tufts of fur at the tip and the short tail both moved of their own accord. A few experimental steps concluded that walking on four legs wasn’t as awkward as it could have been.


His godfather patted his head. “I suppose that you’re our cub now, instead of our pup.”


Harry closed his eyes, visualizing his human form, his body shifting back into its original form. Giving Sirius a smile, he was vaguely aware that he still had clothes. Perhaps he had subconsciously realized that he didn’t want anyone but Snape to see his scars, which kept his clothes whole, or possibly it was something else all together.


“Now I can be with you and Remus on the full moon nights,” Harry was excited.


“For the first time, I think it would be better for you to stay outside the cage. Just in case,” Sirius said.


Although disappointed, Harry nodded. Even with the knowledge that those nights were Remus’ worst time ever, Harry suddenly couldn’t wait for the next one.

___________________


Preview of Chapter Seventeen: Never Say Die


After breakfast the room was loud with lots of animated talking, Harry watching them all, when he felt a looming presence behind him. Even without having to look, Harry knew that it was the one who could calm his currently jittery leg, which was bouncing under the table. Harry wanted to forget everyone else in the room and lunge into the wonderful arms of his Nodui, but he held himself back.


Is it your birthday or something, Potter? I seem to be ruining everyone's fun, I should come back later," Even as he spoke, the conversation was slowly dying out in the room.


"Nonsense, don't leave. It's my birthday and I want you here," Harry said standing, turning towards the man.


Smiling, the boy held out his hand, that Snape took hesitantly. Shivers ran down Harry's spine at their first contact in days. To inform the others that the shivers were not a sign of disgust, Harry offered his Nodui a piece of the giant cake Mrs. Weasley had baked.


"No thank you, Mr. Potter. I try to stay away from sweets before lunch," Snape gave him a small smile.