Forgiveness

Thanks to Ultrazipped and Jilliane for your continued support of this story.

This chapter was beta'ed by Drusilla of Perfect Imagination.

Chapter 15

Severus was dreaming. Disjointed, nonsensical images cobbled together to form an incomplete but totally comprehensible story about geese, vampires, and, strangely, Vikings in shopping malls. All were joined in their fight against Severus and Miss Lovegood. She was winning the battle by speaking in magical Limericks, backward and in a rhythmically squeaking voice. He eased to wakefulness and opened his eyes to look out the naked window. The moon was still out, though riding low in the sky. In the distance, a whippoorwill crooned to a mate, its song smoothing Severus out of his dreamily confused state. He stretched, his tendons popping loudly in the room, silent except for Joseph Pony’s steady breathing and occasional muttered word. Knowing there would be no more sleep for him that night, Severus rifled through his duffle for the dog-eared copy of Potions Today, the last that he had received before he had sacrificed the subscription for Stella’s Floo powder during the school term. He slid into his trousers, a serviceable black of light cotton-twill and fastened the buttons on his white cotton shirt haphazardly, not bothering to tuck it in. He had noticed a small alcove, furnished with a decidedly feminine settee and a potted palm, at the end of the hall in which he could read if he cast a weak Lumos. He paused at the door to let Miss Loco join him.

He settled into the seat, resting his long, naked feet against the far end of the couch, knees bent, and began re-reading an article on the research of Muggle drugs and their applications in the field of healing potions. Miss Loco settled beside the palm with a grumbling sigh. Severus was disturbed only minutes later by click of an opening door. The Potions Master let his hair fall into his face, watching Johnson exit the room that had been given to Antonia’s brother the night before.

Gaius followed the young Healer out and kissed him open-mouthed. A murmured phrase and then Johnson went down the hall to the loo. Antonia’s brother turned to the source of light, and waved to the Potion’s Master with a snarky smirk, before returning to his room. Severus returned his attention to the article. Johnson returned, shooting Severus a sheepish look before entering the room. Bedsprings creaked and then began a sliding susurrus as the two men apparently resumed their activities.

&*&*&

Severus and Regulus Black were in the upstairs hall of the Riddle House attempting to show no emotion as screams erupted behind the door. It was not the first, and most certainly not last time they would hear that noise brought from a tortured throat, but these screams in particular bothered both men more than was safe to show at the moment. Severus struggled to school his features as the sounds turned to wails and then sobbing moans and finally was cut off with a frightening abruptness. A pop of Apparation was next then silence descended.

Regulus stood as the door opened, wiping his shaking hands on his trousers. Lucius exited the room first, his colouring closer to that of marble than his more normal tone. Rabastan Lestrange was next, his swarthy features were also drained of colour, his hands shook when he mopped his mouth with a handkerchief. Lucius addressed the two younger Death Eaters, his voice soft and strained, “It is done. The Dark Lord bids you cleanse the area in his absence.”

What had once been a well-trained Auror and his family of four was now a mass of unrecognisable tissue, bone and blood. Both men breathed through their mouths to avoid the metallic smell of the blood as they cast specialised cleansing and vanishing spells on the horror.

Black, over the last months, had become less than enthusiastic in his participation in the ‘games’ in which the Dark Lord indulged. As the two young Death Eaters finished the task, Regulus closed his eyes and moved his wand, casting a modified version of the Silencing spell. “Is being a Death Eater what you expected, Severus?”

“Shut it, Black.” Severus hissed, mindful of the Dark Lord‘s increasing paranoia and his tendency to leave spying and tracking spells in his wake.

“I didn’t think it was like this.” Black let out a sough of breath. “We were supposed to be fighting battles, not killing children.”

Severus grabbed the younger man by his collar, and pushed him against the crumbling plaster of the wall. “I thought the only Gryffindor in your family was Sirius. I said, Shut it. Now.”

“You know it’s not what he promised.” Black insisted as he grappled with Severus’ hands. “None of this will end well.”

“The Dark Lord isn’t one for fairy tales, Black. There will be no happily ever after. You knew what would be expected when you took the Mark.” Severus drew away, disgusted with the other wizard‘s weakness. “I’m the one who told you not to join if you weren‘t committed, if you’ll remember.”

Black blinked and swallowed his voice weak as he said, “The family… The boy was fifteen… a year younger than me. We were… seeing each other.”

“Oh, Merlin‘s hairy testicles.” Severus sneered. “So that‘s your excuse for involving me in your talk of treason? You were in love?”

“Fuck you, you bastard.” Black pushed the older wizard against the wall. “What if they wanted you to do this to Evans? Or am I wrong; did you only want to fuck the Mudblood?”

“You know nothing.” Severus gripped the younger man’s fingers, crushing them in his hands strong from brewing. A tremor of unreasoning fear, almost prescient in its intensity, shot through him. It drew a moan from him as he shivered against it.

“We all have our price for betrayal, Severus. I wonder what yours will be.” Then Black kissed him, a punishing gesture that tasted of clove cigarettes and the blood torn from Severus’ lips against his own jagged teeth.

It was Severus’ first kiss, and it was with a bloody madman and brother of one of his worst enemies. Severus pushed the younger man to the floor, drawing his wand. “Never touch me again. Ever.”

He stalked from the room, gore still clinging to his clothes and shoes. He had no doubt that he would have to pay for his lapse later.

&*&*&

“Hey, ‘Rus.” Antonia padded down the hall to him, wearing nothing more than a pair of men’s boxer and a man’s white vest. He thought the ensemble quite fetching. He grunted his greeting as he attempted to disregard the other articles of clothing that she obviously lacked.

She touched one of his long, pale feet with her hand and Severus pulled them back, awareness of her and his reaction to it, tantamount on his mind. “May I sit?”

Another grunted reply was Severus’ response. The settee was entirely too small for two adults to sit without touching. Antonia draped one of her arms over the back of the delicate furnishing, brushing Severus’ hair with her hand in the process. She observed, “Ugh… You have Potion-hair.”

“Pardon?” Severus peered at her through the greasy mass, his face held blank, waiting for the insults to follow.

Antonia chuckled, a low throaty sound that cut through the soft noises of the night. “I don’t mean anything by it. My mom had the same problem with oily hair when she was working. She never could find any wizarding products to get rid of it... I think she found a Muggle product that worked fairly well. Would you like me to ask her what she used to use?”

“Antonia, what do you want?” Severus folded down the tip of the page in his journal, and closed it before setting it primly in his lap.

The woman considered him for a moment as the soft noises of spending passion sizzled in the quiet. She took a breath, as if to speak, and then her eyes skittered away from his. After a few moments she said, “You look nice when you’re not all Potion-Mastery.”

A small chuff of laughter escaped him. “Potion-Mastery?”

“You know, buttoned up. Forbidding. In that Old World get-up.” Antonia said, as she began toying with her vest. Severus caught a tantalizing hint of pale skin as her hands wrestled with the shirt. “You know how to cook. Let’s go start breakfast.”

She jumped from the seat and took his hand. He followed her after a moment of hesitation, enjoying the feel of her soft hand on his calloused one. Miss Loco followed.

Once downstairs, Antonia pulled a rasher of bacon from the freezer and handed it to Severus. “You know how to use a microwave, right?”

“No, madam, I do not.” Severus smirked. “I do know how to use a wand, however.”

He cast a thawing charm on the meat, vanishing the frost and ice in a blink. Antonia huffed at him as she brought out milk and eggs. “That’s a nice charm. You’ll have to teach me that one sometime.”

She brought two cast-iron frying pans out of the cabinet by the hob. “You do know how to use a stove the Muggle way, don’t you?”

Severus refused to be baited and took the outstretched pan. Antonia cast him an amused look. “You prefer pancakes or waffles?”

“I prefer toast and tea.” Severus snipped. Then he relented as Antonia began to speak. “Stella will enjoy pancakes “

“You don’t eat enough.” Antonia said as Severus finished placing the bacon in the frying pan and set a kettle on the back burner to boil. She cast a look at his thin form. Severus was reminded of Poppy as she spoke, sending waves of longing for a home which he had only dreamed of having. Antonia began mixing the batter, flipping some out on the counter-top. Severus handed her a sponge from the sink.

“Thanks.” Antonia mopped up the mess, and then went to the walk-in pantry. She came back holding a bag of chocolate and poured some of the tiny morsels into the batter.

Severus asked in disbelief, “Chocolates for breakfast?”

“For special occasions and holidays, only.” Antonia winked flirtatiously.

Severus frowned forbiddingly. “You do that quite often.”

“Do what?” Antonia ladled a dollop of batter into her heated frying pan.

Severus prodded the bacon. “You wink. It disturbs me.”

“Oh, I guess I never noticed I did it.” Antonia stirred the batter with a wooden spoon, and then prodded the cooking pancake as she stared at him. “Why does it bother you?”

“Never mind.” Severus said as he turned the bacon. She continued to stare at him. “I am unused to idle flirtation.”

“You can’t tell me no one’s ever flirted with you, Severus Snape.” Antonia flipped the pancake, which had become a golden-brown on one side.

Severus felt his features sink into his more formidable expression of curled-lipped disdain. “Do I appear to be a wizard with whom a witch of any taste would flirt?”

“Yes.” Antonia’s simple reply caused Severus to blink. Several times. In rapid succession. She deftly flipped the pancake onto a waiting plate and tore off a piece. “Try it, and let me know what you think.”

She held out the portion to him. As Severus reached for it, she drew it out of his reach. “No, take it from my fingers. It won’t taste as good with too much handling.”

Severus bent, tasting the sweet cake and the salty-soap tang of her fingers. He lips opened slightly giving Severus a glimpse of her pink tongue and white teeth. He traced her lips with his eyes, memorising their colour in the soft morning light. Antonia stepped away, all business again as she ladled more of the batter into the frying pan. “Can you get the eggs while I finish these up?”

Severus returned to his duties as he fished out the golden bacon and Vanished the grease from the frying pan. He wondered if her lips would taste of chocolate and desire.
&*&*&

His mother was not back from the hospital by Yule Break, so Severus found himself once again shuttled to Dublin. He did not mind, really, but it did mean more time away from Lily than he really wanted. Potter had made some inroads with Lily in the last term after Mulciber and Avery hexed Mary McDonell. It seemed strange to him that Lily was upset about her friend being put in the infirmary by the two Slytheins, but the countless times that Severus had spent there at the hands of the self-styled Marauders received little comment. In his book, four against one was worse than two against one.

It was no matter, however, because he would be allowed to Floo from Dublin to Lily’s house for the New Year. Severus could be satisfied with that since Potter would be nowhere around.

When he reached the dock, his aunt’s family awaited. He waved shyly at the adults and picked up his cousin, holding him aloft as the boy squealed out a joyous scream. Aunt Mena hugged him, and Severus noted she was thinner than she had been in the summer. “It’s so nice to see you again, Severus.”

“You too, aunt, uncle.” Severus gave his best smile, more a tightening of the lips than a real expression. Tobias had clouted him in the jaw the night before he left, making it hard to form a more suitable image of his true joy at seeing them.

Uncle Rhuidry clapped him on the back. “It’s good to have you back, boyo. Maybe we can get some fishing in while you’re here.”

“More like you showing off while he listens to you brag, Rhuidry. The fish won‘t be biting, Severus.” Aunt Mena said with a wheezy laugh. Severus looked at her strangely, noting the lack of colour in her sallow cheeks and the gauntness of her frame. When he thought to inquire after her health, she waved the question away with a sad, faraway look in her eyes. Severus picked up his bag, and followed them out of the building.

It was that night, when Rhuidry came in to see if he needed anything before he retired for the night, that Severus found out what was wrong. “Boyo, your Aunt Mena’s got cancer. It’s in her bones. She won’t last the year out.”

Severus patted the older man as Rhuidry cried softly into his hands. It didn’t seem fair that she would be taken away from him just when he got to meet her…

“Life isn’t fair, boy. When you understand that, you’ll have learned an important lesson,” He heard his father’s nasty, slurring voice say to his mind. Severus saw his uncle out of the room and began a letter to Lily that he would never send. He hated life sometimes.

&*&*&

They finished making the breakfast just as the first of the house awoke. Bob, his grey hair poking out at all angles, asked Joseph Pony and Charmaine to set the table as he poured a cup of coffee for himself. Stella begged the older Muggle for her own cup and Bob deferred the question to Severus. “No, my dear, but you may have tea. Please, help Joseph Pony and Miss DuPre.”

The girl went to the dining area, stating angrily, “Daddy says I’m supposed to help you. What do you want me to do?”

Severus continued stirring the eggs as Antonia laughed at his daughter’s attitude. “I remember being that age. You’re not old enough for most things, but too old to be treated like a child. It’s tough.”

Severus pursed his lips and made the Lakota noise that he had learned from his charges. He began spooning the eggs out of the frying pan when he felt Gaius’ hand on his shoulder. “Toni tells me your name’s Snape. Are you any relation to that spy from we heard so much about in the news?”

“Gaius.” Livia’s warning tone cut through the busy sounds of the morning. “Come help me get the food on the table.”

Gaius muttered darkly as he glared at Severus, “I’m just watching out for Toni, mom. You can’t be too sure with the English wizards where their allegiance was, even if they were acquitted. I heard that spy was just as happy to kill Muggles as the rest of those Death Eaters.”

“That’s enough son. The man’s a guest in our house.” Bob answered his son in an even, but deadly tone. “Besides, I was in intelligence too. You might say the same things about me when I went to Vietnam. Now go help your mother.”

Antonia gave Severus a communicating look before she took the pancakes into the dining room. Severus followed reluctantly.

&*&*&

“Okay, now, take the powder horn and pour the load down the barrel.” Severus did as Bob bade him to do. “Now push the wadding and mini-ball in, and then tamp it all down with the rod. Now put the cap on the nipple.”

Severus let his spidery fingers crawl to the pouch at his waist, preparing the gun to fire. He really did not know how the older Muggle had talked him into firing the black-powder flintlock. It might have something to do with Gaius’ denigration of Severus’ masculinity. A ridiculous idea, to be sure, but the man got his back up. All through breakfast, he had made digs about Severus’ past, and his looks. The Gryffindorish qualities of the man galled him, along with his rugged good looks and falsely winning demeanour. It was when ’Guy’ intimated that only a real man could handle the gun that Severus’ calm façade cracked.

He knew he was being foolish as soon as he saw Bob bring out the long-barrelled gun. Severus would never get used to the American fascination with these instruments of death.

He looked to the side and behind him, noting Brick and the Zanola sisters keeping Stella occupied. Miss DuPre, Livia and Antonia were conspicuously absent from the group that had gathered in the back yard after breakfast. The geese had been put away for the day. Joseph Pony lounged against the side of the shed next to the improvised firing range, his arms folded over his chest, well away from the smarmy Gaius. “Don’t let him get to you, Uncle ’Rus.”

The boy shot the preening Gaius a hate-filled look. Severus’ heart swelled with unaccustomed warmth at the boy’s sympathy. Joseph Pony instructed in a low-pitched tone, “Keep the barrel away from your shoulder. It’ll have a kick, so hold it tight, but not against your body. Keep your left eye shut and ease back on the trigger while you aim down the sight.”

Severus followed the boy’s directions and felt the gun pull as the load of black-powder was ignited. With a deafening roar, the gun slammed back into his shoulder, and his hand went numb from the impact. Bluish, sulphurous smoke billowed around him, but Severus was still able to discern a satisfying puff of dirt kick up as the bullet hit its mark. Joseph Pony gave a curt nod. “Good job. You might be able to go huntin’ with me this fall, if you practice a little bit more. I really want some venison and squirrel this year.”

“I would rather not, thank you.” Severus knew his tone was too prim, but could not envision himself as a big game or rodent hunter. He would stick to pre-packaged store-bought meat, thank you. He handed the gun to Bob, and began rubbing his aching shoulder.

“Okay, show’s over, folks!” the older man cried. “Now it’s time for some fireworks!”

&*&*&

Severus had his fill of pops and rockets and the squealing of chemicals. He had been impressed by the ’naval battle’ staged by the Bob Dance, but soon the sounds began wearing on his nerves. He retired to the quiet of the alcove he had inhabited earlier when Joseph Pony began devising cannons from tins left over from the lunch preparations. Sporadic pops and shouts of awe punctuated the rest of the morning and late into the afternoon. Poor Miss Loco had retreated under a bed and had not been seen since.

Now, Severus escaped once more, still full from the baked beans, potato salad, grilled burgers and homemade cherry ice cream of lunch. Night had fallen, and soon the air would be filled with the coloured lights of the ephemeral Muggle fireworks. Severus had watched them as a child on Guy Fawke’s day, and had been fascinated by them. Once he was an adult, they had lost their appeal as they reminded him more of curse flashes than celebrations. Once more, he found himself in the alcove, looking at the Potions journal, but unable to concentrate as the fireworks began. He ran a shaking hand over his hair, wishing for the celebration to be over so that he could escape. He increased the intensity of his Lumos spell, lighting the alcove to a brilliant intensity to keep from seeing the flashes of green, red and blue.

“Wow, Snape.” Antonia approached her hand shielded over her eyes. Severus dimmed the spell reluctantly. “Scooch over a little bit.”

“Scooch.” Severus repeated with a black brow lifted in disbelief, ascertaining the meaning, but wondering about the origin of the word.

Antonia sat next to him on the settee. She answered, “Yes, scooch. The act of scooting over for a friend. From the Latin: Scoochium gluteus maximus, meaning move yer ass.”

Her eyes twinkled as she extemporised. Severus gave a half smile, amused by her word-play. “Is the ability to lie about the aetiology of words a particular trait of Americans, or is it limited to your realm of expertise?”

“Its mine and mine alone, ‘Rus.” Antonia smiled at him, a mere fluttering of the lips. “Are you having a hard time?”

Antonia placed a cool hand on his as a green flash punctuated by a squealing shriek occurred outside the room. Severus clutched her fingers spasmodically but said nothing. She offered, “It’s affecting me. When we were pinned down at the Battle of Hogwarts, there were all sorts of spells flashing around us.”

“I was dying then.” Severus answered, as another flash occurred. Antonia stroked his hand with her thumb. “I gave up all my best memories to a dunderheaded child, and I was dying.”

Antonia shifted until her thigh and hip touched his. The two remained silent until the next flash. “’Rus, who was Lily? You mentioned her when you were out of it.”

“No one.“ Severus’ chest felt as if it were compressed underwater with no Gillyweed left. He closed his eyes against the pain. “And everyone to me. I was responsible for her death.”

“I killed Thierry, my fiance. During that battle. He had been bitten by the Acromantulas and mauled by a werewolf.” Antonia said in reply. Severus felt the erratic quality of her pulse through his leg. “He begged me to end his life. When two Death Eaters discovered us, I cast Avada Kedavra. That’s why I went to prison.”

“I went because I was a Death Eater.” Severus whispered to the lull in the flashes, his voice dull. “If it hadn’t been for Albus, I would have stayed. I ended up killing him for his mercy.”

Antonia pressed more tightly to his side; the curve of her breast burned his arm. “Severus, this morning you asked me what I wanted. Do you still want to know?”

His mind screamed no, but he moved closer to her, letting his arm drift around her waist, pulling her flush to him in the process. He whispered into her hair as he let his lips drift to the flat plane of her cheek, to her ear, down her neck, trailing hot kisses. “Antonia, don’t. I’m not the easiest man.”

“I know, but I don’t think lightning strikes twice for people like us, Severus." She sighed against the scars on his neck. “Let’s just make the best of our situation. That’s what I want.”

“Yes,” he said into the small void between them. Then he kissed her feeling the ebb and flow of their desire as more flashes and bangs occurred outside the window.


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