100 Ways to Kill a Weasley

"But \'Mione, I just don\'t see why you need to keep working. After the wedding I\'ll be paying all the bills, and you\'ll need time to get the house ready if we\'re going to get started on a family."



The familiar line formed between Hermione\'s eyes. "Is that what you think? That I\'m just going to stay at home like a good little wife and become a baby machine? Well, you\'ve got another thing coming. Just because your mother blah blah blah...."



Ron sighed and looked over her shoulder. It was much easier not to roll his eyes if he didn\'t look at her face while she was going on. All of her worries would be over after the wedding, when she realized how much better life would be at home with him. She was getting too stressed teaching at Hogwarts anyway, and Mum said stress prevented pregnancy.



"Ronald? Ronald! Are you even listening to me?"



He blinked. "All I\'m saying is, you\'ll be a lot happier at home. You just don\'t realize it yet."



"I will not be happier giving up my life and my career to be Molly the Second!"



Ron stepped closer and tried to hug her. "Wow \'Mione, if this is how you get at that time of the month, how am I going to handle pregnancy hormones?" He started to chuckle but was abruptly stopped with a fist to the gut.



"I\'ve had it with you! Ronald Weasley, you can forget getting married, and you can go jump in a lake while you\'re at it!" Hermione stormed away toward the castle, leaving Ron gasping for breath and staring after her.



When he caught his breath, he shook his head and began walking toward the gates. "Oi, women. What a mess." He was just thinking about whether or not to bring flowers when he returned (after she was done PMSing) when he heard a loud splash. He looked up, ready to avoid a jet of water from the giant squid\'s movements, when instead he was slammed to the ground by a tentacle thicker than his waist. The air was crushed out of him, and he didn\'t even catch a breath to scream before he was dragged into the water. A trail of disturbed grass, soon righted by the wind, was the only sign he had been there moments before.



...two months later...



Severus sat near the edge of the lake, lazily tossing in balled-up slices of bread. Giant tentacles joyfully leapt from the water to catch each one, making waves lap against the shore as they brought the bread under the surface. Hermione, standing behind him, watched for a moment before interrupting.



"Severus, I brought your copy of Potions Today. Thank you for letting me borrow it." He noticed her avert her eyes as she set it on the ground next to him.



"You are always welcome, Miss Granger." He looked up into her eyes. "Pardon me. Hermione." He let her name roll off of his tongue slowly.



A slight pink tinge bloomed on her cheeks. "Oh, well, thank you." She smiled at the tentacles as they waved in the air, disturbed by the pause in feeding. "I\'ll leave you to it then." She turned and walked a few paces before turning back. "Will you be at dinner tonight?"



One side of his mouth curled up in a half-smile, his eyes intense as they looked into hers. "I wouldn\'t miss it, Hermione."



Her blush brightened, and she hurried back to the castle doors. He looked after her for a moment, pleased with the way this was going. He was sure that she knew he was interested now, and it wouldn\'t be long before he could make his move.



He turned back to the squid and threw a few more pieces at once. "You\'re quite the matchmaker, squid, and so discreet. I knew I came to the right place with my dilemma. Again, I offer my thanks." He smiled, then began to laugh, as the tentacles waved in the dying sunlight.

---

I\'m really loving all of the chapters people are writing! Maybe I\'ll work up a truly funny one later. And again, kudos to Ms_Figg for starting this and for her lovely reviews. (And, of course, to all of the reviewers.) :)