Dear Lily *COMPLETE*

Beeky63: Damn Evil Cliffangers indeed... yep. I love writing them, because I'm a damn evil bitch! Here's the next two installments of Dear Lily for you to read.

cateye: I've always seen Snape as the type of father who doesn't think his kids are perfect and is perfectly willing to straighten that out. You'll see what happens.

lisa: Yes, Severus is being a bit stubborn isn't he? Never mind, you'll find out why he feels like he does in the next chapter!

Dear Lily

No, that would have been too easy; too simple; I wouldn't suffer enough. I yanked my robe belt out of the holders and laid it on the ground; I then elongated the belt, and then raised it up and twirled my wand so that it knotted around an overhanging beam, I stood up on the chair and put the belt tightly around my neck and then moved the chair from under my feet. I got as far as going blue in the face and then suddenly I was face flat on the floor, all my limbs spread-eagled on the clean, clinical floor.

I heard fast, angry footsteps approach me. The person put the chair back where it belonged and then I groaned as I lifted my head I was then sharply dragged up only to absent mindedly pick up a short remnant of my robe belt that was still tied around my neck. I was then slapped in the face, and that woke me up. I saw who my rescuer was.

"Hermione?" I asked.

"That's right," she hissed.

"I was um -"

"Being an absolute dunderhead," she interrupted.

"You don't understand, I don't deserve to live! I have been nothing but misery, I went into the Janus ward and saw Mr and Mrs Longbottom, you know who helped in that? Me! James and Lily died because of me. Professor Dumbledore, the only man in the whole world who treated me like I was a human being instead of a freak, the only man to ever have treated me like a son, and how do I repay that kindness? I bloody well murder him! And you think that I am worthy of living and breathing?"

"Yes I do!" she replied. Her brown eyes were blazing furiously; they were like volcanic ashes, burning me as soon as they touched me. "I went to your room as I felt that something was wrong with you and I found this!"

She thrust the note under my nose.

"That was supposed to be a goodbye note, that was supposed -"

"You think that I am going let you die after what I read in here?"

I mumbled something sheepishly of being too afraid to see the look on her face. The silence was deafening. She stood there waiting for me to say it out loud. She had her arms folded across her chest, and her legs slightly spread apart, something about this stance reminded me of a teacher awaiting the explanation of a naughty student, I myself adopted this stance several times. I knew that she was not going to go away until I said it out loud.

"I didn't want to see it," I said.

"See what?" she asked.

"The disgusted look on your face when I told you," I said.

"I am not disgusted at all," she said. "Do you want me to read the letter out loud to you?"

I nodded. She coughed to clear her throat and then straightened out the sheet of paper.

Dearest Hermione

For that is what you have become to me. I have to admit that I have fallen head over heels in love with you.

You are truly the smartest, brightest witch of your age with great potential and love and kindness surrounds you like an ethereal glow, it protects you of the nastier side of life and for a few months now I have longed to step into it's encasement and become part of you, because I feel wonderful when you look at me and everything you say or do from now on will be like a knife in my heart.

Plus this is a little poem I wrote to explain why a beautiful, pretty popular girl like you should never be seen with a loser like me.

You obviously were
not the one who ran to a corner to hide.

You obviously were
not the one who sank and cried.

You obviously were
not the one who felt little and worthless.

You obviously were
not ever lonely and friendless.

You obviously were
not the one who lay in bed and asked why me?

You obviously were
not the one that wept constantly.

You obviously were
not the one who dreaded school each day.

You obviously were
not the one whom all the kids would say
'There goes him! There goes the freak!
There goes the circus clown! There goes the geek!
Let's pull his hair! Let's make fun of his physique!
Let's pull him down as far as he can go!
We're handsome. We're popular!
The teachers will never know!

Besides they like us and would never punish us!
They like us! They don't like him!
Who would!'

You deserve so much more than that Hermione, someone great and good, someone who will love you and appreciate you, a confident someone. Someone that is not me, I am a vile, evil git, a murderer. And as for the looks well Black was right, I am a greasy, no good loser.

All I have ever done is live in darkness and do not know any other way, just let me go, I want death as life has not been kind to me! And I am sure there are many people that would say good riddance!

Just once more I love you!

Severus!

"You think that I would be disgusted by that?"

I pointed to the last paragraph and pointed at each of the words on there.

"Listen, Hermione, I am not nice!"

"No, you're not," she agreed. "But you're not evil. Evil people don't have consciences. Evil people don't have this much emotion and feeling. Evil people wouldn't fall in love with the bushy haired, boring, brown Mudblood like me!"

"You are not bushy haired, boring or a mud-" I stopped myself from saying it. "Didn't you read what I put in there about you, Hermione?"

"Yes I did, but I do feel worthless, I do feel like a freak, I have those exact same feelings because I was the only witch in my muggle school, and once Jemima Puddleduck almost set my feet on fire on a Halloween saying that the medieval people had the right idea about people like me! I couldn't step into school for days after that!"

I looked down on the floor, and then looked back into her eyes; she was crying, tears were running down her face and she looked as if I had hurt her deeply through my insensitive action.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"You can't write these things down and then kill yourself, and have you thought about Harry? You and Remus are the last links he has to his parents, and Harry only said this evening that he is beginning to look up to you, he would have been devastated at your death, he would now walk through fire and ashes for you!"

"I don't deserve that Hermione," I said.

"By you thinking you don't deserve it, it's the first step to deserving it!"

I blinked.

"Come again?"

"Malfoy, Voldemort, they think they deserve the world and the world should thank them for it, but you don't which means you probably deserve it more than they do!"

"Strange logic there Hermione," I said.

She rubbed her forehead and sighed. She looked weary and tired.

"Besides who else is going to teach me Occlumency and who else is going to make me the wolfsbane potion. I need you now more than ever, more than I have ever needed Black."

"I didn't think of that."

"No, that's obvious," she replied sourly.

"I want to go back to bed," I said. "But I don't think I could sleep unless you're there with me singing my favourite song."

"What's that?"

"Puff the Magic Dragon."

"And you wanted death?" she asked. Impressed by my choice. "All right, come on, lets tuck you in bed and I'll sing, although I should warn you, my singing voice should be made the fourth unforgivable."

She grabbed hold of my hand and led me back to my bed and then she helped me in bed and then she started singing this song softly, and wonderfully:

Puff, the magic dragon,
Lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist
In a land called Honah Lee.
Little Jackie Paper
Loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him strings and sealing wax
And other fancy stuff.
Puff, the magic dragon
Lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist
In a land called Honah Lee. Oh!
Puff, the magic dragon
Lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist
In a land called Honah Lee.
Together they would travel
On a boat with billowed sail.
Jackie kept a lookout perched
On Puff's gigantic tail.
Noble kings and princes
Would bow whenever they came,
Pirate ships would lower their flags
When Puff roared out his name. Oh!
Puff, the magic dragon
Lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist
In a land called Honah Lee. Oh!
Puff, the magic dragon
Lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist
In a land called Honah Lee.
A dragon lives forever,
But not little girls and boys.
Painted wings and giant rings
Make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened,
Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon,
He ceased his fearless roar.
His head now bent in sorrow,
Green scales fell like rain,
And Puff no longer went to play
Along that cheery lane.
Without his life-long friend,
He could not be brave,
So Puff that mighty dragon
Sadly slipped into his cave.
Puff, the magic dragon
Lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist
In a land called Honah Lee. Oh!
Puff, the magic dragon
Lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist
In a land called Honah Lee

I fell asleep at the end of the song, dreaming of Honah Lee and I continued to feel safe and loved, she was with me Lily, the way you were! Merlin Lily, your son actually likes me now!

I knew what Puff felt like now, he needed Jackie Paper the way I needed you. I sank back into my cave when you died, I didn’t bother. But now Hermione has come it seems to have dragged me out of the cave, I could feel the sunlight. I heard her choke back the tears. The song obviously made her cry.

************************************************** ***************

I woke up, my vision bleary, and my mouth felt dry with the need of a drink of a water, something that Hermione was pouring out for me. I thought I would test out those words. I took hold of her hand and she looked down on me.

"I love you," I croaked.

She smiled as she handed me the glass of water.

"I know," she said.

I gulped down the whole glass.

"And your voice is definitely not the fourth Unforgivable."

"Thank you," she said. She raised me up and plumped the pillows then put me back in position again. She then sat down and looked again at the letter. "I'm going to show this to Harry," she decided.

"What good'll that do?" I asked.

"More than you think. It might actually make him realise that Black and his father weren't saints, and I hope it clears the rose tinted view he has of them. And it will also prove to him that you unlike most Slytherins are not arrogant, and not self-delusional."

"That might work," I conceded.

"I'll be back soon," she said. She went to the door and was about to leave then she turned around and looked at me, her chocolaty eyes were warm and soft, like a cute little dog looking at his ill master. She ran up to me and impulsively kissed me on the nose. She then left. I touched the hooked tip where her lips were and laid back smiling.

I had nothing to do. I then decided I needed some extra sleep.

************************************************** ***************

Someone who was extremely angry roughly shook me awake! My blurred vision made out something green and sparkling! Oh Merlin!

"Explain," a cold unforgiving voice said.

"Harry," I said. "It's all there in that letter."

"Hermione told me she got you in the nick of time, any slower and you would have been dead!"

"I thought I was better dead than alive," I said.

"No one is better dead than alive Severus, my father saved your life because he thought you were better alive than dead, I think so too. Yes when I witnessed you killing Dumbledore I wanted you dead, I swore I would kill you! But then you showed a side to yourself that I had never seen before, a caring side. You were truly worried for Hermione; you wanted her back where she belonged. And now this letter proved all along what I had been witnessing from you for the past few weeks. Hermione is a frank, understanding woman, if she doesn't like you she'll say so. But ever since I became friends with her she was fighting your cause urging me to trust you, and even when you killed Professor Dumbledore she said evil was too strong a word to describe you. If I were to kill you believe me I would have done it by now but I didn't. I asked you to prove that you cared for Hermione, that you had truly switched sides. You scratched Voldemort's face to help Ron so that he would not get hurt. And you want out? I don't think so Severus, you have been far too useful and far too good, and you are one of us! And us Order members look out for each other. You say you grew up in darkness, so did I to some extent. But Light will accept you. I will accept you! Uncle!"

"But I'm thirty seven and she's eighteen," I said.

"So!"

"I am a death eater," I replied.

"Was a death eater," he said. "Look, I am uncomfortable with the idea of you and Hermione and yes you are more culpable than Voldemort is but you know how to love, and it was love that put a Dark Lord temporarily out of order for thirteen years. Love can change anyone, and it has changed you. Now I won’t let you go! Ever! Now shall I let her in?”

I nodded, he opened the door and she stepped in, she glanced up at Harry and Harry nodded back to her, she then ran up to me and threw her arms around my neck and kissed me on the cheek, crying. I noticed Harry slip quietly out leaving Hermione and I on our own, which I thought was a very Albus Dumbledorish thing to do!

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A couple of weeks later I was deemed fit and healthy enough to be discharged. I was picked up by Kingsley and Arthur.

"Are you all right?" Kingsley asked in his deep sombre tone.

"I'm fine."

"You should be you lucky son of a bitch," he replied smiling. "Imagine catching Hermione Granger, that pretty clever thing. There's something Lilyish about her wouldn't you say, Arthur?"

"Yes I would say," Arthur said. "The way she talks about you Severus, it's almost like you're a god to her!" he sighed. "I wish Molly talked that way about me, she’s always telling me off and scolding me!"

"I am sure she loves you really Arthur," Kingsley said.

"Sure," I replied.

"By the way Severus, Rufus is on the war path he has most ministry officials on the look out for you."

"Oh dear," I said sardonically.

"Kind of reminds me of when Sirius Black escaped doesn't it, Arthur?"

"Yes, and Severus you're not to be left alone, Harry's orders," Arthur sighed. "And we must do what the great Potter say's."

"I hear some of his orders aren't sitting too well with the future Mrs Potter," Kingsley said. This earned him a withering glare from Arthur who gave it over his spectacles.

"My daughter is only sixteen there's still time," he said.

"Yes there is," I said. "More time to make her realise she will love Harry Potter forever!"

Kingsley laughed.

"Shall we apparate down this alley way then?"

"Yes," Arthur agreed. I followed them and the three of us apparated at the same time.

*********************************************************************

We got to Grimmauld Place and there was no sound emanating from its walls. We walked in and it was dark and forbidding with just a few candlelight’s glowing in the corner. Ginny walked up to us and put a finger to her mouth to keep us quiet. She had the air of someone hiding a huge favourable secret. She took hold of her father’s hand and Kingsley followed, they walked in the door. After a few moments I too followed and walked into the dining room, it was all dark and I heard a rustle of paper and a few people laughing. I rolled my eyes how typically Gryffindorian!

"SURPRISE!" Everyone shouted. The lights were switched on and they temporarily blinded me. Once my sight had adjusted I looked up and saw hanging over the fireplace a banner that read.

Welcome Home Severus Snape.

The two S's of my name were drawn like serpents, and both were moving around, with some clever spell. The wording was big and thick; I think bubble is what you used to call it Lily. And they were coloured in green and silver.

I also got gifts, Molly knitted me a Weasley jumper black, with a silver snake on the front, I loved it and gave her a big kiss, which made her blush and pat her hair. Hermione gave me a set of new robes in burgundy, but Harry's gift was the best one of all, and it was only a word. That word Lily was - Dad!

*********************************************************************

Like most good things it was actually too good to last, both Hermione and Remus had to have the Wolfsbane potion made for them, and Hermione sometimes had to remind me to make it. I was also busy with teaching her Occlumency, and Harry wanted me to be with him to look at potential Horcrux sites.

We were studying a whole map of England pinpointing places where they might be, places that I heard him mention sometimes that held something dear to him. We had books covering the tables and desks all Dark Magic books, but ones we had to look at.

We were bent over a place in Somerset when we heard voices, one was Hermione's. The other two belonged to Rufus and Umbridge. Before I had time to wonder how they got in I heard Hermione saying.

"You can't go in there!"

"Why not pray?" Rufus asked.

"Because as Harry's second in command I say you can't!"

I raised an eyebrow, we used the stalling time for tidying up the map and the books, and we got a game of backgammon out and placed the pieces randomly to look like we had been playing a long time.

"We're here on business, child, something I wouldn't think you'd understand!" Umbridge sneered.

"Wait," Hermione said. "Is that the sound of horses hooves I hear?"

"Where?" Umbridge asked with a wobble to her voice.

"That's my girl," I whispered. Harry laughed silently; his green eyes sparkled with mischief.

I was pretending to contemplate a move when the door bust open. Standing in the door frame were Umbridge and Rufus, two of the unlikeliest people to ever be seen together.

"Severus Christopher Snape," Rufus said.

I stood up.

"I answer to that name," I said. They reminded me of two of the farmers in Fantastic Mr Fox, Boggis, Bunce and Bean, one fat, one tall, one lean. I'll let you guess which two they reminded me of Lily.

"I am arresting you on the attempted murders of Frank and Alice Longbottom, the informant that led to the murders of Emmeline Vance and Sirius Black, AND James and Lily Potter, also for the blatant murder of the most respected of all Wizards, Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore."

Harry upset the backgammon, I looked at the mess, and shrugged my shoulders.

"I was losing anyway," I sighed wistfully.

"Come near him and I swear I'll -"

"Didn't you hear what I said boy he murdered your parents and your godfather."

"Its amazing how you Ministers always focus on the bad things and never the good, he's done a great deal of good since he murdered Albus Dumbledore, and if it weren't for him one of my friends would have been dead and another would have become a Death Eater without any choice!"

"You're supposed to be Dumbledore's man through and through!"

"And Dumbledore believed in chances!" Harry exclaimed. "As do I!"

"It's all right Harry," I said walking up to him.

"What?"

"I said it's all right, there's enough Wolfsbane, and she's doing well, I'll go!"

"No!"

"Harry, remember, Padfoot!"

Realisation dawned on Harry's face.

"Be careful, Dad!"

"I will," I said.

Rufus took hold of my arms and wrapped rope around the wrists; he then yanked me to his side. Hermione looked at me with tears in her eyes. She mouthed the words I love you.

I was sent to Azkaban, goodness knows what dangers lay there!

Severus

A/N - The lyrics of Puff The Magic Dragon I think really does apply to Snape. He found Lily, lost her, and retreated from the world... Unlike Puff though Snape is dragged back out of the cave by Hermione. Oh, and they don't belong to me either. As for the poem that Snape wrote... that was basically me at school. That's why I understand and love Snape so much.