Forgiveness

Thanks to all who read. Special thanks to Ultrazipped and Jilliane.

This chapter is beta'ed by Drusilla of Perfect Imagination.

Forgiveness

Chapter 14

Antonia's parents had geese. That the vicious, hissing, wing-spreading spawns of a Muggle Devil liked him and waddled after him protectively the entire evening, was not even a consideration in Severus‘ disdain of them. They had pinched and pecked at Stella, Miss Loco and Joseph Pony one too many times. Severus levelled his wand at one that had come too close to his daughter for his own comfort. Of course, it would help Severus' frayed nerves if the imp would quit attempting friendship with the vile creatures. The goose made a quick grab at the precariously placed paper plate on Stella's lap, and Severus let loose a Stinging Hex aimed directly at the creature's tail. It honked raucously and beat a hasty, if noisy, retreat. He slid his wand back up his sleeve and gave his best Death Eater smile to the goose as it flapped past him.

Antonia leaned closer to him, sandwich in hand to conceal the movement of her mouth. “Thank you.”

The doctor apparently held a long-running war with the grey and black epitomes of evil. She had nearly hexed the creatures on general principle as the group made ready to eat the evening meal under the still-bright sun. The doctor and he exchanged a look of collusion, before Antonia returned to the conversation that spun around the table. Severus returned to his contemplation of the day.

If it were not for the geese, Severus would have been able to tolerate the atmosphere of the Dance home. Antonia’s mother, a witch and Potions Mistress, was a pleasant surprise. The daughter of a Colonel stationed in Belgium at NATO in the early days of that programme, she had been educated at Beauxbatons. She was in her late sixties, and just starting to show her age, with fine lines around her eyes and a lightening of her pale, red hair. Bob Dance, a Muggle, was approximately the same age, but wore it well even so. He had greeted Severus with the proper sense of decorum and had allowed Stella to follow him slavishly about the property as he finished setting up the wonders that would be his Fourth of July show.

Livia Dance had interrogated Joseph Pony on his knowledge of the medicinal plants of the Lakota. The younger wizard had escaped using Stella as an excuse. Joseph Pony was still uncomfortable speaking of tribal secrets to non-Lakota. Severus offered to help with the dinner, but had instead been settled in the living room to watch The News. The others, more familiar with the routine of the Dance household, had found their way to various occupations. Severus fumed at being set aside, until he realised that from his vantage in the living room, he could spy on the doctor.

The two women spoke casually of the life at the compound. A spiky undercurrent of unease wove throughout their words. Livia asked suddenly if Antonia were seeing anyone. Antonia merely grunted.

The older witch said, “There’s no need to hide from the world. No one needs to know what happened in England with Thierry…”

“Mother, now is not the time to bring that up.” Antonia’s reply was soft and murderous. “Besides, there’s no one for me to see.”

“There is,” Livia replied with bovine placidity.

“Johnson Kraemer is gay,” Antonia snorted, unbecomingly. “And Joseph Pony is a little young for me, momma.”

“He’s got an Uncle, who has that darling little girl.” Livia’s pursuit continued. “He may not be the best-looking man, but he seems... dedicated. And he‘s certainly got that air of je ne sais quois about him.”

“Snape?” Antonia’s voice nearly broke with the pitch to which it ascended. The sound would have caused Miss Loco to cock her head in pain. “Momma, I don’t think… He doesn‘t see me like that. Don‘t be ridiculous.”

“But do you see him like that?”

Antonia began, “I…”

Johnson, damn him, spoke from the veranda. “Livia, I think Regula has found the blackberry patch. Did you want to her to show you where it is?”

Severus allowed his eyes to drift closed as Livia left the kitchen and the sound of chopping and stirring took over, only to be jerked rudely awake by Stella’s sweaty body against his. She was sniffling, and Severus struggled to sit up against her weight, his limbs heavy from his slumber. His voice was raspy as he asked, “What is it, my dear?”

“I wanted to pet the geese and they don’t like me,” Stella answered, snuffing into her hand in a manner that disgusted Severus. He drew the offending appendage down and handed her his ever-present square of cotton. “I know I’m being a baby. They bit Miss Loco too. Can you come with me to the pond? Mr. Dance says I have to ask you first. He gave me bread to feed them. So I can make friends with them, but…”

Severus’ neck prickled in awareness as he turned slightly to see the returned Mrs. Dance and Antonia watching him with Stella. He would never understand the female of the species’ fondness for a domesticated male. Even Narcissa, ice-queen that she was, had softened when Lucius changed nappies (rarely) or fed their son (under duress.) Bellatrix’s attitude was the more familiar one to Severus. No doubt, she would have howled at the Right Hand to Voldemort puttering away at his fatherly duties.
Severus involuntarily sought the doctor’s eyes. Her expression softened as he nodded to Stella. “I shall accompany you, my dear.”

The pond had turned out to be a muddy, red hole in the ground with stagnant water and an indescribable stench. It was to be the site of a naval battle come morning, according to Stella. No doubt, the grim body of water was festering with mosquitoes and other treacherous creatures. The geese swarmed around them, greedily pulling the day-old bread from Stella’s eager hands. Once the bread was gone, however, they commenced to nipping and pinching Stella. Severus had enough and pulled the girl away, over her protestations of how much headway she was making in relation to the avian menaces.

On their way back, Severus spied Joseph Pony and Miss DuPre on the swings, relics of Antonia’s childhood, no doubt. Stella had joined them, still with an eye out for the honking beasts, and Severus had called Miss Loco from the fray. The dog followed him eagerly as he approached the place with food smells.

Now, as evening fell and the evening repast was finished, Severus followed the other’s leads and returned his plate to the kitchen. Johnson began attempting small talk, his elegant, black features alight as he told Severus of the latest discovery he had made in relation to the healing powers the were-coyotes displayed. Severus nodded absently as he watched Joseph Pony and Miss DuPre exit the room. They were holding hands. Severus thought he would remind Joseph Pony of his duties, and set up the testing that Miss Dupre needed to finish her schooling. He wondered if Regula or Beatrix might consider taking the girl on as an apprentice. She was quite intelligent, and so far, good at both Charms and Arithmancy, although pants at Potions. Severus made a mental note to speak to the two spinsters when the group returned to the compound.

He half-listened to Johnson natter on about another discovery when the foyer door flew open, crashing resoundingly against the opposite wall. Severus sat forward, wand in hand, alert, as a handsome, sandy-haired man with sculptured good looks grabbed Antonia in a familiar hug and swung her about. “Honey, I’m home!”

&*&*&

Severus saw Lily only once before her death. It was in Hogsmeade in the spring of his return from Bavaria. He caught his breath as she passed by the window of Squidgely and Beazel, the Potions shop in which he had gained employment upon Lucius’ recommendation. Severus let his eyes follow her as he decocted the steaming mixture into a vial. One more day of the cosmetic Healthy-Glow Potions and he would be able to finish his own experiment.

Lily walked past the shop, looking into his work area which the Messires Sqidgely and Beazel had placed in front of the window to draw the customer’s eye to Severus’ performance. Severus hated it normally and would not deign to interact with the public in general. Lily looked at him sadly and Severus sneered back. She was an Order Member, known to the Dark Lord, and it would do him no favours in that circle if he were seen being even remotely friendly with her. It would do her no favours, either, come to that. He did not want to draw attention to her, even if she had chosen to marry the toerag two months ago.

Lily’s expression fell as she saw his sneer. No doubt she would make her way out of his life once more, leaving him as bereft as he was when she entered it as a child. Severus sought to memorise her features, softened by the short flow of time since he had seen her last, the scowl still affixed to his face, so as not to encourage comment from any passing comrades-in-arms. The Dark Lord always had his minions spying on each other, delusional bastard that he was.

Severus moved to decoct the next cauldron’s contents, and when he looked up, Lily had disappeared. Even knowing that this was how things were and had been since his fifth year, Severus felt his imperfectly mended heart break a little again.

He saw her later that day, after his hasty lunch-break at the Three Broomsticks, walking with Potter and Black. Lily walked between the two, her arm around Potter’s waist, the mutt laughing at something she said. It was then that Severus realised he had always been outside. She had tolerated him simply because he was her first friend from this world. Lily was always for Potter as Severus had been marked for the Dark Lord. He slumped against a wall, struggling to breathe around the ache in his chest. He finished the day in a haze of self-hatred and disgust. After he went to his meagre room in the evening, he indulged in a Firewhisky binge to end all.

The next day he was back at his post, surly and noncommunicative, his normal attitude.

&*&*&

Severus stood stiffly in the corner. He should have known any interest he might have in the doctor would be repudiated when a better-looking, more personable variety was closer. He watched as the man spun a laughingly protesting Antonia in a high arc. The others from the compound, aside from the three children, gathered round the handsome interloper, greeting him eagerly. Severus winced inwardly as the American version of James Potter kissed the doctor and hugged her to him. Once more, Severus was on the outside of a happy gathering, looking on in envy. It had always been that way with him and the world. At Hogwarts, with Lily’s family, in the Order, and even his first years with the Death Eaters, he was never quite good enough to welcome wholeheartedly into a social setting. Even after years of acclimatisation to his state, it still stung. He watched as Antonia introduced each person to the interloper, even giving the werewolf her attention. Severus had seen enough. He went outside to the veranda, a long, low structure that ran the entire bottom-floor of the two-storey house. Miss Loco followed, her nails clicking softly against the planks. She settled with a soft groan next to him, panting in the heat of the failing twilight.

He did not know how long he sat on the porch steps, when he heard the screen door open with a distinctive metallic screech, and then shut again. Night had fallen and Severus was sure he could remain unseen if he slunk away quietly enough. He stood slowly, willing his knees and ankles not to pop. He had reached that age where his body had started protesting the abuses of his youth.

“’Rus?” Antonia asked to the gloom. Severus continued toward the swings, followed by Miss Loco. He heard the door swing shut. Good. He could do without the doctor’s pity. It was not as if he were interested in her romantically, or even for a meaningless shag. He told himself these things to alleviate the aching pain that had arisen in his chest upon seeing her tossed about by the Potter replica.

Severus settled into the swing’s seat, remembering another time with swings and a flying girl. The memory was vague, as if he were seeing it through a filter. He knew young Potter had received the bulk of the memory, leaving Severus with just a dim sketch of what a vision she was at that moment. Severus leaned back, letting himself feel, once more, the weightlessness of innocent flight, and the gravity of Muggle gadgets to affect it. Locomordres was the only better way to fly in Severus’ opinion. He swung higher, legs pumping back and forth to achieve lift, corded arms pulling the weight of his body against the chains. For one brief moment, he laughed, a rushed and rusty sound. He had never been one for overt expressions of mirth. What had he to be mirthful about in his life?

&*&*&

The Carrows were the nightmare he had expected. Severus watched in feigned dispassion each time they chased down yet another plot against the Dark Lord, the Headmaster and themselves. Severus secretly cheered each time a little terroristic act found its mark.

To his surprise, Miss Lovegood, in her pacific nonchalance, outraged the Carrows more than any other student including the Weasley girl’s and Longbottom‘s more open defiance. Lovegood’s pale eyes and wan looks belied a fire that Severus was hard-pressed to protect. The outrageous things she said caused both Severus and the Headmaster’s portrait to hoot with laughter and worry about her safety when the living wizard told the portrait Miss Lovegood‘s acts of verbal derring-do.

Miss Lovegood’s latest exploit had been a mild dressing-down of Alecto for the Death Eater’s non-belief in the Snargle and Glumbie conspiracy between Gringotts and the current Minister of Magic. Of course, Severus knew that the girl had made the entire conspiracy up to cover for her friends who were, at the same moment, booby-trapping the Carrow’s quarters with spying devices and Weasley inventions. An inordinately proud Dumbledore had related the latter knowledge.

Miss Lovegood blathered on until Amycus had run screaming from his quarters, his tongue lolling out of his mouth a good metre, as he made his slobbering way to the hospital wing. The girl had been summarily Cruciated before Severus could intervene. After the first wracking tremors of the lifted curse had passed, Miss Lovegood continued her discourse, as if nothing had occurred. Severus ground his teeth and willed himself not to laugh as Alecto threw up her hands in frustration and stormed from the area, unwilling to admit defeat in the presence of such a masterfully insane student.

Severus had recruited an elite group of his Snakes at the beginning of his tenure - all trustworthy and entirely neutral - and he signalled one with a tap of his wand against a Proteus-charmed Knut, a replica of the ones used by Dumbledore’s Army during Umbridge‘s reign of terror. Zabini appeared, his dark eyes solemn as he joined Severus in the shadows to receive his instructions.

Lovegood began retching, bringing up bile. Zabini walked to her as if in discovery. He placed an arm around the girl. He asked softly, “Was it the Carrows?”

The girl nodded, and heaved again.

“Come on; let’s get you to the Room of Requirement. Padma will know what to do,” Zabini said over the gagging sounds she made.

As the two children passed Severus’ hiding place, he heard Miss Lovegood say, so softly he was not sure he could actually trust his ears, “Thank you, Professor.”

She was too sharp-witted by far.

&*&*&

He was flying through the air when he noticed Antonia silhouetted in the light cast from an upstairs bedroom. He dragged his feet in the grassy dirt, slowing his momentum, until the swing’s chains hung taut against his weight. Antonia joined him on the next seat. “Don’t stop on my account.”

Her ironic tone did little to placate his sense of righteous self-pity. Severus extracted himself from the swing with a satisfying pop as it hit the metal post. “I was just going in. Do you need my assistance?”

“I wanted to introduce you to my brother, Gaius,” Antonia answered. “Why’d you leave?”

Severus turned back to her, leaving his face in shadow.

Her brother.

The thought played over in his mind, nearly joyfully. “I’m not much for large gatherings.”

“I couldn’t tell,” she answered with some asperity. “Push me.”

“Pardon me?” Severus could not quite grasp the turn of the conversation.

Antonia laughed, a low melody in counterpoint to the chirruping crickets and their ever-present summer love-song. “Push me. I don’t feel like working, and I want to swing.”

Severus manoeuvred behind her, and reluctantly grasped her waist. It was surprisingly thick and solid, as if she were a Roman sculpture of the ideal woman. Severus murmured, “You need to shove off with your feet. I refuse to do all the work.”

She did, making a perfect arc back to his hands as he gave a push at her waist once again. As they achieved the rhythm needed to lift Antonia high in the air, she said, “Guy is what he calls himself these days. He’s an actor, struggling out in Hollywood.”

“He wants to work in Muggle cinema?” Severus’ disinterested reply came slowly after he caught his breath.

“Swing with me, and I’ll tell you,” was Antonia’s flirtatious response. Severus walked woodenly to the other swing and began flying himself. “He’s nearly a Squib. We had some hard times when we were younger until he discovered he could cast glamours. He’s hoping that will be enough to get him a role.”

“He seems… handsome enough to be an actor.”

“Yeah, I received the brains and ability. He got all the looks.” Antonia began dragging her feet, slowing her ascent with each arc.

Severus stopped with a movement of his wand as he watched her sad Madonna’s face fly past him. “We should retire. I‘m sure the hour is late.”

“Yeah. Come on, I’ll show you the room you and Joseph Pony are sharing.” Antonia stood, catching up to him in a few strides.

As they reached the stairs to the veranda, Severus paused, drawing Antonia near him with a touch of her wrist. “Your brother did not get all the looks in the family. I’m sure quite a few people find you to be a handsome woman.”

“Thanks.” Antonia’s tone was tinged with the same sadness as on the swing. “Calling a woman handsome is a nice way of saying she’s plain.”

Severus followed her into the house, watching the sway of her hips. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs that led to the upstairs quarters. “You’re in the last room on the left. It’s Guy’s old room.”

They both paused, her foot on the bottom step, Severus facing her.

“You’re wrong,” Severus murmured in the soft light of the stairway. “About being called handsome. It is a compliment of the highest order. It means you are not ordinary.”

Antonia’s breath hitched as he drew her hand to his lips. “Good night, Antonia.”


Thanks for reading. Please take a moment and review.