Tainted White

Hey guys....sorry for the wait....I hope it was worth it :). Thanks to Lala once again for being such a great beta...:). And a huge Thank you to everyone who reviewed the fic. I'm inviting you to do it again :) Also, all of you who follow the story but leave no comment....please? After a chatpter full of words, is it really hard to react with a sentence? :) thanks

ps_Harry IS NOT in love with Hermione.Not in my world :)

Chapter 15

A young woman stood by the window in a large room. The only light that showed her features was coming from a fireplace behind her. The light was dim. It had to be. Crystal snowflakes captured her eyes. Pure. Intact.

Every now and then she would part her stare from the white and looked to a sleeping one year old....A pure and intact creation of her own.

Voices came to her. For a second, her mind tricked her....She thought it was...No. It couldn't be.

Can't be.

Louder.

Demanding.

Strong.

You haven't felt that in a long time, have you Hermione? That sinking feeling?

She headed towards the door and they opened.

''Ms...You might...'' Martha took a deep breath ''You might want to go downstairs.''

''Martha, is everything ok? What...?''

''They came looking....for you.''

It's over.

''Wh....'' she breathed out. ''Harry?''

Martha nodded.

A steel fist clenched around her heart. Lungs.

Breathe Hermione.

''Ron?''

A nod again.

Hearts can't really break, Hermione. No matter how strong the pressure is. No matter how strong you want it to. A heart just won't break.

But it can bleed until the end of time.

''Anyone else?''

''No.'' She felt a warm hand on her frozen skin. ''Master is with them...he doesn't know I'm here.''

So, this is it Hermione. You'll have to say goodbye. Are you ready? You wish it's over already. You wish the voices were dead. You wish the eyes were closed. Gone.

You'll look into those eyes. See the love there. Not fading...only bleeding. Not believing.

Savor the second, Hermione...the first second you meet his eyes. Treasure it....live in it. That one last moment of his love. His love like it used to be. So innocent... Before he realizes. Remember him like that. Remember the happiness, relief, love...you'll see it all there. It will be shining out of the green....One second. Before it all dies.

Steps disappeared under her feet...and she was facing the door to the Malfoy manor living room.

Drink in his voice. His face. Hair. Take it all in. One last time.

She gathered all of her strength left... shaking hands pushed the heavy wood.

Time stood...

Ron touched Harry's elbow.

And the bright smile she loved so much. Hands rose up for a hug that never came. Frozen in the air. Smile died. Eyes watered. Head crocked.......why? How?

Pain...so much pain in the eyes. Too much.
More than ever. Fingers tangled into a mess of black hair.

Never so helpless.
Never looked so ruined.
Crushed.

Close the eyes. I can't....I can't stand it. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. I love you. Forgive me please.

And the voice.

Voice not his.

No anger...no yelling.

Voice tired...quiet. Dead.

His voice...because of her.

Because he knew. He saw it.
He saw it in a second.

You knew he would Hermione.

Voice so weak...came to her ears...

''I thought...''

It...it sounded like there was no strength left at all.
It sounded like every word was the last one.
It sounded like it hurt to speak

''...for almost two years...I refused to believe it...I thought you were dead.

I was afraid to picture what they did to you.

More afraid...than anything in my life.

I was afraid they killed you.

I was afraid they didn't.

Afraid that you were somewhere...wandering. Not knowing who you are. Alone. Because of me. ''

His words. Wet with tears that didn't fall.
And behind the bleeding words...silence so loud applauded her mockingly.



***
Draco, did you really know how much he loved her? Did you ever think that Harry Potter could look so weak? Do you regret it now ? Was it worth it?
You feel sorry for him. Listen to a broken man...
***


''Every night before I fell asleep...I forced myself not to think.''

More words...Stabbing words. Hermione, did you know? You didn't know until now that when the pain becomes to strong to stand, it doesn't kill you...you get numb. It's like a circle closes. When it comes to the point of losing your mind...it disappears...pain, disappears...only to start again. A little tingling...in your chest. Grain of sand waiting to become a mountain. Again.



''I went to see every corps there was. Theirs. Ours... What if her body can't be found because it's not in one piece...in one place.

What if they...because of me. To hurt me. Because of how much I loved her. '' He breathed.


***
Where's the satisfaction Draco? Look at him....Listen to him. Remember how pain sounded when you first heard it? From her mouth? Awfully alike.

You might as well killed them both.

Look at her.

No colour.

No tears.

No sounds...Dead.

Is this what you wanted?

***



''About a year ago...first rumors. People started talking...they said that the Malfoy manor had a mistress....''

Broken.

He was broken into pieces.

Into drops of blood.

Of tears.

Into cut out words.

Because you can not exist in a world you can not comprehend. And Harry Potter could not comprehend. This one thing...he couldn't.

He didn't want to.

He walked pass her like she was....'' I would rather have you dead ''...

Dead. Like you were dead Hermione.

Trembling hands rushed to cover the tears. Rushed to stop them. But there weren't any. No tears. No air. No pain. Only sinking.....Head shook to block the words. His last words to her...'rather have you dead'.

Another voice she couldn't recognize. ''Hide your face Hermione. Hide it....'' No anger in it. Only tired. Indifferent. Ron's.



***

What do you think it will take to bring her to life Draco?

You know what, don't you? It will take Harry Potter. A man he used to be.
You think you could erase it all? You think you could make it better?

You killed another woman you loved.

Draco.

It's funny, isn't it? How life plays us. Laughs at us.
This is what you wanted.
You have it now.

Golden Trio.

Broken in front of your eyes.
Each of them. Dead.

You have it now.

How come it feels like the the worst crime you've ever committed?
You didn't think it would.

You need her alive. You need her alive for you to live.

Bring her back to life.
Erase the mess.

Fix it.

***



She felt human touch on her hands. She felt someone pulling them down from her face.

''Hermione...'' he whispered.

She looked up and said ''It's ok. I'm...I'm ok. We....well, we expected this, right. We knew this was about to happen. It's ok...I'm, I'm fine.'' She nodded '' I'm fine.''




Was it days? Weeks? Months?

How long ago was it? That day....Hermione?
She couldn't tell.

She didn't cry. Not a single tear...Nothing. Until days, weeks or months later a redheaded girl walked into her home. Another ghost from her past.

She was arranging flowers in the light hallway, and her back was facing the door.

''I heard you were alive.'' Said a girl behind her.

Hermione turned around to face her '' As you can see.''

Are you surprised Hermione? It's not a girl standing in front of you. It's a woman. Beautiful and sad. With tears in her eyes. Are you surprised that the pain is back? Really? You thought that that blissful numb feeling would last forever?



Not far from them Draco stood hidden by the marble staircase. Jack told him about Ginny Weasly's presence in the manor.



''He's not the same person since that day. I'm losing him, Hermione. We're losing him.'' he heard the younger witch say.

Hermione shook her head... but the tears spilled. She listened quietly.

''I can't lose him...You, you have to come with me. You have to leave this place Hermione. ''

''No.'' Without a second thought.

'' I need you...we...he needs you. Please.''

''No.'' Loud and clear through her tears.

''What is wrong with you?'' Ginny stepped closer and grabbed her arms.'' Are you aware of what you're choosing? It's Draco Malfoy, Hermione. Are you insane? Why would you want to hurt every single person that cares for you by choosing him?''

''Because''...she screamed....''he needs me more. Because...If I choose to get out , I will...I will always be damaged out there. Always tainted. I'll be alone. Isolated. I would rather be isolated with him. In here..... Please understand. Besides.....Harry was...God!'' she sighed angrily, losing another battle with her tears at the thought of him. Her throat tightened. '' They were both clear enough. I'm as well as dead to them, so please...let me be. I understand. I do....'' She hugged the younger witch in front of her. Kissed her temple through the tears '' I'll never stop loving them. Loving you. But I can't.............''

Draco closed his eyes.

'' I can't stop loving him either.''

''It's Malfoy!'' Ginny screamed.

''And he is as damaged as I am. He's as alone. As confused. As abandoned. Don't you understand? He's the only one that is equal. ''

Ginny shook her head.

''Gin.....In a different world...''

''But It is not different, Hermione. It is this world, a real one....and I don't recognize you in it. I try to turn my logic on, and rationalize, and understand....but even when I do, when I manage to hold the pieces together...it all comes back to the fact that he is, Hermione, he is Draco Malfoy. A Death Eater. A murderer. You are Hermione Granger.''

''Yes.....his greatest enemy. Harry Potter's right hand. Best friend. Loyal to the core. A traitor. ''

Tell her that the cold turned into warm. Silver into gold.

Tell her that the rough turned into gentle.
Screams into whispers.
Slaps into kisses.

Tell her that a mudblood turned into a beauty.
Cruelty into caresses.
Hatred into passion.

Tell her that a Death Eater betrayed his lord.

Tell her that the skull and the snake are fading from his skin.
From his soul. Mind.

''Look....I don't expect you to understand. I'm not asking you to. Just accept it. Or don't. I can't find it in me to care anymore.''

''Mione...''

''There are days when everything goes well. When I don't think about it. When I can pretend. There are days when I remember the amount of pain I saw in Harry's eyes that day. It's ripping me apart knowing that after everything he's been through....at the end I'm the one that hurt him the most. And it's maddening...to feel his pain and mine...at the same time. It is more than a human being can stand.''

''I love him as much as you do. And it was hell to watch guilt eating him up for those two years that we knew nothing about you. He'd wake up at nights after having nightmares about you. And then after some time he almost couldn't sleep at all. He was losing his mind Hermione.''

So was I...so was I...and I was trapped here, I was caged...and I couldn't reach him. And I didn't know...I didn't know if he's alive....and I couldn't trust my mind anymore. And I was afraid to have faith. And the greatest fear came true....and I thought I buried him...I thought it was my fault... and life was over for me. I slipped in that moment, Ginny...I fell...I made a mistake....that's how it started. TELL HER HERMIONE. Explain yourself. Say something. Defend yourself.

Or just take the blame.

''I know! After he survived everything....it was me who killed him. I know! I don't need a reminder...I don't! She screamed, felt her voice cracking. '' I have to live with it. Every day.....And it's punishment enough without you coming and pointing at me. I know....I know what I've done. ''

''Come with me.''

She shook her head slowly...''I love him so much. Too much....and he will...he will always be the purest thing in my life.... but I wouldn't survive seeing him like that again. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.''