Close Enough

Ch 14 Confusion

Note: stream of consciousness/ journal style Harry’s POV

It was only yesterday that the Ron thing happened, I still can’t believe that he feels this way toward me now. Yes it has been a year, I should know by now what he will do when he finds me alone and there are no teachers around, but it is still hard to think of him that way. It makes me sad to know that my former best friend hates me for surviving when so many others close to him died.
I found out in one of his rants that he and Hermione never really wanted to be friends with me, they just wanted to be able to say that they ‘had adventures with The-Boy-Who-Lived. I don’t know how many times I have cried over that in the past year, probably more then anyone would like to admit let alone me.
I’m glad the headmaster let my friends come and stay. I’m not sure if he knows why I wanted them here, I’m not even really sure if they know, but I’m so glad that they are. Without the comfort of my empty flat I find it hard to sleep, I’m back to having nightmares almost everynight. But with Cord here, they are better. It feels safe, and I’m not so alone. I know that she loves me and will protect me from what she can, even if it is only in my own head.
Having the band here makes my days go quickly. I don’t sit alone at meals like I did last year, and I’m not cutting anymore. Well that’s mostly because Dex threatened that if he found one new scar he was going to have me committed for self abuse, but not until after he beat the hell out of me. I know that he didn’t really mean it, and he wasn’t even trying to scare me, it was just his way of saying that he wanted to help and would be there for me. With him here to talk things over with, and help me with my artistic outlet for my feelings, I feel much more centered then I ever have before.
That leaves the twins. They hate being called that. Don’t get me wrong they love being twins, they love messing with everyones heads by switching around. They just hate being called the twins. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “I am my own person you know!” from Loki. Lucas would just laugh at this and put him in a head lock calling Loki his little baby brother. It is most wonderful having them here. We spend at least two hours a day practicing self defense. I have been able to master most everything that they have taught me in less then a day, they say it must have something to do with being me because most of it should take months if not years to learn.
It was all Cord’s idea. She knew that I had a problem here at school, granted she didn’t know that I wouldn’t use what I learned against my old friends but I digress. She knew that I was afraid of how far people might go, especially if they found out I was gay. I’m not sure why I was afraid, wizards are more accepting then muggles, but I was still afraid that some asshole might get it in his head to ‘get a piece of The-Boy-Who-Lived. I wasn’t fold of that and she thought that it would be good for me to learn how to, how did she put it, “take that bastard down” if it were to come to that. And upon Cord voicing her idea, the twins jumped at it. I think they just like to fight, and I became somewhat of a new play toy for them. Teach me, and then try to beat me. It has been hard, but worth it, especially now.
After my birthday and the whole inheritance thing, the training became even more intense. Dex was disappointed, I could tell by the look in his face. He was hoping that he and I could start something once I finished school and it wouldn’t be a long distance thing. I am kind of sad at the loss of the possibility, but I am also glad. I wouldn’t want to try to start something and then mess up our friendship, I depend on him too much for that to happen.
One afternoon when I complained about how hard the twins were working me Cord gave me an extremely grave reality check, and it hit home like a ton of bricks. She took the time to tell me that it was very important that I work hard at learning many ways to defend myself. I asked her why, I didn’t understand, I had already learned so much from the twins. So why now do I need to work ten times harder!? Cord got a grave look on her face as she told me that due to the ratio and mix of my Creature blood, my draw is so powerful, that people will try anything to get to me. She told me that is why she charmed my choker, to help me surpress the draw so that I don’t have a mob all trying to rape me because of it.
After she told me that I was scared and sent a letter to Severus. Ever since I have been on a suppression potion. Not one that would calm my draw as my choker does, but one that will push down my need for sex. Yea, yet another fun thing about being me I guess, being Succubus and Veela means that I need to have sex to survive. Leave it to me to be the only one of my kind ever, a virgin, and have no potential relationships. Sad really.
Cord said that I would probably have a mate out there somewhere, and that it was a good thing that I was still untouched. It seems that if someone who has a mate doesn’t wait for them, their mate may have a tendency to go hunt down who else they were with and kill them. So here I am, a lonely, horny virgin in search my mate. I am however assured that my mate is probably somewhere at Hogwarts because nature tends to pick from your surroundings.
My surroundings. This castle that used to be my home, the only place I ever considered home, is now so much a prison. Without my friends being here, I’m not sure what I would do. I would be alone. I guess that isn’t true, I mean I do room with Malfoy. So I guess I wouldn’t be alone, not all the time anyway.
Malfoy has been, almost, nice lately. I don’t know what to make of it. He said that he wanted to get to know me now that he could and had the opportunity. I guess this is nice seeing as we are rooming together. We even reintroduced ourselves and shook hands, corny I know, but it was a nice gesture on both of our parts I think. From that point on we even stopped with the whole surname thing, which is nice.
Weird thing happened when we shook hands though. As soon as his hand touched mine I could feel this bizarre tingling in my hand, and the longer that we touched the farther up my arm it went. It wasn’t painful, just weird. And even after we let go I could feel it still. I don’t know what it was, or even why, but it in a way felt almost comforting. Like just the thought that this happened, somewhere in my mind told me that everything was going to be okay.
Cord and Draco were talking this morning. I’m not sure about what, but they were both smiling and laughing. It was nice to see Draco doing something so, I don’t know, normal. Cord said something that made him laugh to the point of crying, that was a sight to see. If Cord can get along with Draco so well, maybe I can too. I mean, look at the rest of the people around her, they are my friends too.
I’m actually looking forward to the project for potions now. I’m working with Draco on it, and it will give us an excuse to talk and spend a little time together. Maybe we could even become friends. Then if the guys have to leave or something I will still have someone to talk to about things. I guess it also doesn’t hurt that Draco is pretty attractive. Yea I know I’ve got a mate somewhere, but it doesn’t hurt to look.