Trading Places

TITLE: Trading Spaces 15

RATING: R (slash warning m/m)

PAIRING: HG/SS, HP/DM, HP/HG (friendship), RW/HG/HP (friendship)

A/N: We will be updating every two weeks, possibly with more than one installment,
depending on fate and life. Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

SUMMARY: What do you call a cross between a Gryffindor and a Slytherin? A prefect!
Don't worry, it's not "what would happen if he had been sorted into . . ." Dumbledore
works in mysterious ways as Voldemort grows in power and daring. Other than that?
Shippyness, Snogging, Shagging, Snippy and Snarky! Trust us, it'll all make sense in a
little while.

GRATUITIES:

Meemo- Thanks for reading and reviewing! Glad you are loving the Sheldon, Snippy,
and Snarky scenes. Look for more funny in this chapter. And we loved the quote that
you are using. :)

S Wing- That is one of life's little mysteries. Snape will shed some light on it next time.

amythest- Thank you! More slashy goodness in this chapter. Thanks for reading and
reviewing.

Rowenna- My apologies. And what a beautiful name! I got stuck with Ccccyndy. As
the snakes would say. Thanks for reading!

Natzlin- Thank you! That was my favorite scene to write. I have a Zen garden of my
own and I somehow thought Snape would have one.

L.M. - Phantom of the Opera? I'm a phantom phreak myself. I've seen it four times.
And I listen to the soundtrack regularly. My favorite is the Colm Meaney version.
Thanks for reading! And you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Snapegirl- How delicious is Alan Rickman in the dueling scene? I've seen it a dozen of
times since I bought the DVD. Yum! I also love him when he's crawling around the
desk to shout at Harry and Ron. Dunderheads! More tension in this chapter.
Hermione is a lucky, lucky girl.

MadAboutHarry- Thank you! So glad you liked the kissage. Its one of my favorite
things to write. What can I say? Maybe I should change my pen name from Snarky to
Smutty. *cue wicked laughter* This is more lemony. And much more to come, I
promise!

JemAuburn- *HUGS* thank you for continuing on with this fic! We love ya!

Lady Phoenix Gryffindor - Thank you, Lady! Here's more.

Lottalitta - Hey there, girl! *hugs* Sheldon comes from "When Harry Met Sally." Sally
says that she had great withwith a man named Sheldon and Harry says that having
great sex with a guy named Sheldon is a statistical improbability. "Sheldon can do you
taxes but he can't give you orgasms." More funny is in this one. And Snape is being a
pratt but Hermione is a resourceful girl. :)

grrbaby- I'm so sorry about your other exams but congrats on the other two! Isn't that
fox hunt thing, sick? Argh! We're appalled that we even came up with it. Glad you
found the H/D scenes yummy. Those two have a delicious chemistry, IMHO.

Madam Pyro- Your Wood is back! Look for him to become more prominent. We love
him and Troy together! And Draco is incredibly sexy. I like him more and more. I'm
so glad you liked Severus. He's my guy! I adore the dueling scene in CoS.

Menecarkawan- Sorry, but no. You made a valiant effort! :) Yeah, that did come from a
movie but we can't remember which one. It sort of sneaks into the subconscious.
Thanks for reading!

DarkOpalDragon- Your wish is my command. And Evil!Harry is so damn cool. We
love 'em a little bit evil.

Chikheart- Never fear, Harry is just experimenting with a darker side. And this is our
best guess at what will happen in the next three books. We see Habecobecoming a bit
darker. And thanks! Its hard to guage how IC some things are.

Snape and Sirius Fan- Writing OC is always dicey! Glad we succeeded in making them.
interesting. We hoped that the Harry Potterverse would have room for these wacky
mascots.

Luceid- *wicked evil laughter* That would be telling but we do know this. . .it will be
explosive. Thanks!

The Vampire Goddess Jekyll- Thanks! I know! We wanted Harry and Hermione to
magic them into oblivion and save the kids but we couldn't' do it. It was hard to write
and we got squicked all the time. Especially with Lucius and his interest in under age
girls. Blech!

Alura- That's our goal...no repulsion. :) Snape grows on you, rather like a fungus. LOL
But seriously, we're glad you're enjoying it.

Chaos Rose- Hey girl! Thank you so much! I love your cool fade in and outs on your
site. Yep, Lucius is as decadent as he is evil. I'm finding myself with a little crush on
the guy. . .the bastard. Anyway, we were heckling the DVD as we watched it and I kept
thinking he was a lot like Fabio. I read an interesting parody/critical look at Harry
Potter and just about peed my pants when the author said to cue "Superfreak"
everytime Lucius was in a scene. :)

DragonRose- Thank you for reading and reviewing!s, ws, we are a pair and we right
about 50/50 of the fic. Snippy writes H/D and I write S/H and we divide the rest. The
reason we work together so well is that we are sisters! She has to agree with me or I'll
kick her off the family tree. Bwahhaaa!

ManEatingDustBunny- It was awful to write! Squick! We prefer humor and lightness
to the death and chaos. But we'll have to write more of these in the future. Glad you
liked it.

lori- thank you for reading and reviewing.

Arysta- *flushing with pleasure* Thank you so much! We're trying to mix it up and
add Ron to the fic a little bit of the time.

Dragonphly- Thank you for the constructive criticism! We really enjoy that just as
much as praise. :) We're building to a big confessional chapter where everyone,
courtesy of a spell, or maybe necessity gets a few home truths. We see Draco as
helping Harry embrace his darker side. We think this horrifies Harry because he
honestly thinks of himself as a hero and the golden boy of Gryffindor. Admitting that
would be horrifying so we're going to make him do it with angsty humor. I like your
suggestion about Herm saying something to Snape but I think he would still snipe
at Harry. He's so damn smug! LOL. Thanks!

Venus- *80's song is now stuck in my head* "I'm your venus, I'm your fire, what's your
desire?" Love that song. Thanks for reading! We have a huge confrontation scene with
flapjacks and pretense. We laughed ourselves silly writing it! And Griff Graffis a fluffy
bastard. :) He'll get his, don't worry.

Celeste- Thank you for the offer! I'm so glad that you enj enjoying this fic. It's been a
blast to write and hopefully not too strange to read. And yes, there'll be a meeting of
more than minds between our potions master and the prefect. ;)

lori- Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! See? Now you can just scroll down to the
bottom. LOL

Alexial- Harry's experimenting but he won't go dark. So glad you are enjoying the
subplots as well as the big ones. No Haze in this one but he'll show up next time.
Promise! More D/H and S/H goodness ins pas part.

Uberscully- Thank you for reading and reviewing! Here's more. And feel free to bug
us.

Michelle- Thanks! Glad you are enjoying the chemistry. Here's some anatomy. . .

Diosa- Nah, that would be cheating to send it. But, we're posting the fic today. So, you
like Snape and Hermione? Bwahhaaahaa! I converted another one! I get a toaster now.
If you're looking for good fic, may I recommend some? Try witchfics dot org. There
are two there that are incredible and the Snape/Hermione bible as far as I'm concerned.
The Fire and Rose and Pawn to Queen. Harry and Draco are going to find out that
there is something special between them and look for more luvin' soon.

Eowiel- I'm so sorry! Tell fanfiction that you were having difficulties.

Mayhem's Journalist- Your nic is very cool. Very bwahahaha! Wow. You like Run?
No one likes Rune and we feel bad for her. Ron will be clued in soon and then look out!

Andromeda Snape- LOL. Here's more. So, it's new new stuff.

Lilyria- Thank you! Glad you discovered our fic. We like having fun with these
characters. Snape is even more confused this time around. :) Tee hee!

Linizzie- Thanks for reading and reviewing.


Whew! Ow. . .fingers. . .cramping. . .thud.


****************************************************************************************************

"Well, I'm glad you weren't scared away from Hogwarts," Wood said to Dr.
Troy as they walked side by side to the Great Hall for breakfast.

"Takes more than the decorator from hell to spook me." He paused. "Unless he
put up shag carpet, cuz if he did. . .I'm outta here. Big salary or no."

"That's not the kind of shag we have around here," Wood said coyly as he
moved ahead of him when they rounded a corner.

"I msay,say," Troy gave him a once over, " Quidditch does a body good. At least
*your* body." Troy winked at the younger man who held his gaze. They both broke
eye contact to search the ceiling as they entered the Great Hall. A strong counterspell
had removed the Dark Mark. Troy let out a low whistle. "That Gandalf guy's better
than 409."

"Four oh what?" Oliver looked confused. "Who?"

"Don't worry about it, Wood." Troy sighed. "I am doomed to be forever
misunderstood around here." Troy surveyed the high table and was delighted to see
Severus at the end, next to two empty chairs. He pulled the reluctant Quidditch coach
behind him. "Having a good morning, Sevvie?" He called cheerfully as they sat down.

"I doubt he's ever had a 'good' morning," Wood muttered.

"Abysmal." Snape stared pointedly at Troy.

"Told you so." Wood added under his breath.

"What's the matter, Sevvie? The doctor is in. Let's take a look." Troy smiled. He
leaned back to take in the whole Snape picture, holding his fingers up to make a frame.
Snape scowl was deeper than usual, it made his brows furrow and his mouth turn
down slightly at the edges. He was clearly in a fouler mood than usual. Even his
clothing was, well. . .blacker. Troy picked up a piece of bacon, chewing thoughtfully as
he pondered the other man. "What's the statement you're making here? Goth?
French?" he pondered. "Maybe you should just chuck this professor thing, paint your
fingernails black, and start listening to The Cure!"

"I'd answer you, but I was temporarily distracted by the partially masticated
animal flesh waving at me from your perpetually open gob." Snape sneered.

Undaunted, Troy's grin widened. "Ah, *girl* trouble?" He bit into another piece
of bacon.

"You've got to be kidding me," Wood grumbled as he set his porridge aside.
The idea that Snape was *interested* in anyone made him sick.

Snape glowered at him and took another drink of black coffee. He straightened
up as Hermione and Potter walked into the Hall, headed for the Slytherin Table.

"Yes, I'm serious. He was under the floor!" Harry said, eyes wide.

"That's the stuff nightmares are made of. And I thought that little party was
terrifying!" Hermione joked. It made her feel better when she could laugh things off
with Harry.

"You've no idea." They sat down, reaching for their plates with one hand, and
holding off snakes with the other. "Sheldon tried to convince me he was a ghost and
then I spent half the night using a crowbar on the floor. And I didn't even get to the
part about the snakes and my bed." He stopped to see the two little troublemakers in
question sliding over to him.

"Ssssleep well, Harry?" Snippy hissed. "Thee, thee, thee . . ."

"I knew it was you two!" Harry glared at them. "And get the hell away from my
eggs!"

"We have bigger breakfast plans. It's pancake day!" Snarky proclaimed as he
grabbed a fork with his tail.

"I'm going to get even one of these days."

Snarky rolled his beady little eyes. "Yeah. . .yeah. . .promisesss, promisesss."

"Harry?" Hermione said. "Why don't we invite Ron to sit with us? It just
doesn't feel right, not sitting with him on the first day of classes."

"Yeah, I've missed him." Harry smiled at her, and they took turns watching for
him to walk in and guarding their breakfast from snakes.

When, he did come in, Ron had circles under his eyes and his hair was sticking
up all over his head. Apparently, he hadn't slept very much the night before. Ron
walked right past them in his rush to sit down.

"Ron?" Hermione said, hoping to attract his attention.

She stood up and lost a flapjack for her trouble. Snarky tossed it high in the air
and Snippy jumped up to catch it between his fangs. They high-fived tails.

"Ron, come here! Why don't you sit with us? At the Slytherin table?" Hermione
called.

The room hushed.

Dumbledore leaned forward curiously to watch what would happen.

Ron's looked back at them and then at the safety and security of Gryffindor table.
"I don't know if that's a good idea, guys." That's when a commotion from the other
side of the room, caused everyone to watch.

Draco Malfoy strutted in the Hall with his robes undone and his uniform
underneath. He looked like a man who'd spent the morning in bed. . . and not alone.
His hair was slightly tousled. Draco's tie was undone and his shirt was slightly open,
showing a fair amount of his chest. His pants were tailored to hug rather than hide his
body. In short, he looked damn good and he knew it. Draco winked at two first year
Slytherins that were staring at him as if he were the best thing since a Firebolt. The girl
blushed and the boy fell off his chair. He brushed past Ron Weasley who was goggling
at him and sat down at the end of Gryffindor table like he was the reigning sex god. .
.which he was.

"I'll be right over," Ron agreed. He gingerly sat down next to Harry at the table.
He was amazed when he wasn't struck by lightning or brought down by some other
natural disaster. Everyone stared at him briefly but went back to their own breakfasts
when nothing happened.

Dumbledore raised his glass to Harry and Hermione surreptitiously and sat back
with a pleased smile.

Snippy took a piece of sausage from Ron's plate. "Look, it's a Weasssley!"

Ron stared down in horror at the pork thief.

"Don't worry, Ron. They're friendly. They seem happy to see you."

"My brothers told me they nipped quite a few things off them." Ron tried to take
his sausage back but Snippy snapped him with his tail.

"How rude!" Snarky censured. "We take. . .you give. Deal with it."

"You do realize that he can't hear you, right?" Harry asked them.

Snippy and Snarky glanced at at each other sadly. "We know. Our humor is
ssooo underappreciated," Snippy lamented

"Godric damn it," Snarky agreed sadly. He stole a piece of his bacon for good
measure. They retreated to the center of the table to munch away on their pile of food.

"I had a very interesting night. Let's see? Heard some rumors. Read a naughty
book." Ron started off.

"You read a book?!" Harry and Hermione gasped.

Ron rolled his eyes."Yes, can you guess what the plot was? Huh? Can you
Harry?"

Harry shook his head. "In case you forgot, Ron, I'm not that great in divination.
So, tell us what you read, already."

"Or maybe you want to hear the latest gossip, Hermione? It's about a man. In
black."

At that moment, a mischievous sparkle in his eyes, Draco Malfoy approached
Hermione's side of their table. He balanced his hands on the edge of the table on either
side of her body and kissed the top of her head. "Good morning, my little book worm."
He sat down next to her, nudging a 6th year out of the way. "I thought it would be
romantic if we ate together. You know," he said, the statement oozing sexual
insinuation, "the morning after."

She wrinkled her nose. "The morning after wha. . .? Holy cricket!" She downed
her orange juice, like it was a shot. "Y-yes, that would be nice."

Ron and Harry both pushed their plates away, having lost their appetites.

"Looks like the sex god struck again!" Snippy crowed around a mouthful of
pancake.

"Like it was a hard choice for her." Snarky held his tail to the left. "Greasy, bat-like fellow . . ." He tilted to the other side. "Slytherin Sex God. Poor Hiney. Tough
decision."

Draco put his arm around her. "Was it good for you?"

Harry leered at Malfoy. "Very."

Ron stood up. "WHAT *THE HELL* IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!"

The room hushed again.

Severus decided to handle it, since it had occurred at his table. He stood up,
resembling an angry storm cloud in his billowing black robes. He addressed the
redhead. "Mr. Weasley, I realize that you were probably not brought up with the finer
things. For example, manners, a sense of decorum, a comb--" He was distracted from
his tirade by Malfoy who was whispering something in Hermione's near. The young
man's hand was perilously close to her thigh. His expression darkened.

"Uh oh! Peach pie is in over her pigtails." Troy turned to Oliver Wood, grasping
his case knife and stabbing it in the air. "Ree Ree Ree Ree! I can just hear the Psycho
theme music."

Oliver stared at him. "You're a very strange man."

The knife clattered to his plate. "Forget it."

"Some of us like that, though." Wood toasted him with his tea cup.

Troy captured Wood's other hand under the table.

"Sir?" Ron asked loudly.

"Sit down! Twenty points from Gryffindor for your lack of judgement!" Snape
settled on the edge of his chair, both hands gripping his cup, white-knuckled. He
swallowed the rest of the coffee, but Dumbledore refilled it with a knowing glance.

Troy raised an eyebrow at him. "Good to the last drop, eh?"

"I loathe this bitter American brew. It's black and tasteless, down to the last . .
.drop." Snape glared, attempting to turn his attention back to the Slytherin Table. He
began to mentally list combat spells to teach Hermione. He knew quite a few unethical
ones that could detach a man's. . .

"Then why are you drinking it?" Troy asked.

Snape forced himself to speak to the perky professor. "I enjoy tea in the morning.
Today, I do not wish to enjoy myself. I wish to be bitter. . . and miserable."

"Well, at least your ensemble matches." Tatterton offered. "It's black and
tasteless too." He waved his hand vaguely. "It sort of says 'tarantula' to me."

Snape ignored him, his focus back on Hermione and Draco.

Draco absently curled a finger in Hermione's hair. She attempted to dissuade
him with a request. "Darling, would you pass me the honey?"

Draco leaned closer, a lascivious smile arcing across his face. "Sure, I'll give you
some *honey*."

Ron watched in horror, starting to mutter to himself. "I wasn't gone that long . . .
what could have happened . . .maybe I'm dreaming . . .or nightmaring."

Hermione could tell that Draco was just trying to be an ass, but she had seen
Severus' reaction. A truly evil smile graced her pretty face. Severus was obviously put
out by her behavior. She knew she shouldn't do this but it was so tempting. She owed
him for last night and his pulling the 'student' excuse to not deal with his feelings.
Turning to face Draco, she took his hand out of her hair, clasping it gently. "You look
so handsome this morning, Drakkey."

"What-ty?" Harry turned away before milk came out of his nose.

Ron was nearly hyperventilating.

Draco stared back at Hermione. What was wrong with her? She glanced at
Severus, then back at him. He raised a brow in a silent challenge. She met his gaze, her
expression saying 'bring it on'. Draco lowered his voice, achieving the sound that made
many men and women melt. "Better than last night?"

"Almost, but so much of you is covered up this morning." Hermione shot back.

He upped the ante. "So, wanna come over to study tonight?" Draco winked at
her. "You know, *anatomy*?"

"I would but. . .I don't like your room. Too many mirrors." She smiled as he
gasped in outrage. "Why don't you come over?" She wondered how he wouldn't get
out of this.

"I thought you liked the mirrors." He smirked, recovering.

"Okay, so I've found something more disgusting than barfing up slugs," Ron
commented to himself.

"Wait a minute, we're supposed to fly together tonight . . . Drakkey." Harry
interjected, smirking as he looked at Malfoy.

"Hold on a tic! What's going . . . who's doing what with the who . . ." Ron closed
his eyes, trailing off.

"Just rounds." Harry clarified.

Ron sighed in relief, smiling. Obviously, all that crazy stuff he'd read in Malfoy's
journal had just been the sick imaginings of a Slytherin gone mad. Too bad that didn't
excuse Hermione's actions.

Hermione caught Ron's eye, mouthing, "Oh, no, it's not." Ron frowned. She
turned to 'bo 'boyfriend'. "Drakkey, I'm so sorry. I forgot about that *potions*
assignment I have to finish. You know how much I like *potions*."

Ron's expression turned thunderous.

"That's alright, kitten." Draco put his hand on her knee. "I know you'll do
*something* to make it up to me later."

"My ears, my ears!" Ron shrieked. Hermione discreetly stepped on Draco's foot,
but Ron missed it as the implications of her earlier statement sank in. "Potions?
Potions! If there is anything on this planet worse than dating a Malfoy - " He glowered
at Hermione. "It's cheating on one with Sn - " Harry, Hermione and Draco all clapped
their hands over his mouth. "Mmphh." Apparently, Ron had not yet grasped the subtle
art of espionage.

Ron glared at Malfoy as they slowly let go. "You're already molesting my
friends, you're not going to add me to the list. Hands off."

"Calm yourself, Weasley." Draco smiled. "I don't do redheads." His lips
twitched. "Literally."

"That makes one for the list of things Malfoy won't sleep with." Ron glared at
him.

Draco clasped Hermione's hand, bringing it to his mouth for a kiss. "Don't
worry about him, baby. I only want you."

"Even though she's cheating on you?" Ron blurted out.

"Ron!" Hermione cried, exasperated.

"For the record, it's not cheating if I know about it." Draco smiled. "Nothing
wrong with a little *extracurricular* activity, is there, honey bunch?"

"Maybe you should be asking Harry that question," She tossed back, slyly.

"Malfoy's been expanding my horizons alright," Harry answered. He was
enjoying needling the other boy.

"Harry?" Ron tapped his arm. "But you said that you two weren't-"

"Rounds, Ron," Harry said again.

"Yes, and Harry finds it all very *easy*," Draco said venomously. "Too easy you
might say."

"Still bitter about that little broom problem of yours?t abt able to *get it up*,
right?" Harry retorted. He didn't even look at Ron who went white. "Still talking ut rut rounds."

Draco's eyes flashed. "Just thinking we might be getting into a sucking session
again, Hero. Remind me, do you spit or swallow?"

At this point, the Slytherin table turned their heads to watch. Snippy and Snarky
actually paused mid-chew.

"I knew it! I knew you two were doing the thing-" He pointed to them. "You
two do. I've read the book!"

Hermione nervously looked over at the other students. "Snake venom. It had to
be sucked out. Then, you know, spit out." Hermione gulped. "As one does with snake
venom."

Clearly disappointed, the Slytherins went back to their breakfasts.

Snippy and Snarky exchanged looks. Yeah, they'd heard that version too.
Whatever!

Harry hadn't broken eye contact with Draco. "You're saying you don't want to
hold hands anymore?"

Hello! The Slytherins turned their attention back to the pair.

Snippy and Snarky smacked tails. They knew there was something going on.

Draco brought Hermione's hand to his mouth again. She tried not to flinch.
"Only with my girlfriend."

The Gryffindors didn't even glance up from their plates. This was old news.

Blaise Zabini threw down her fork and stood up. "Some of us are trying to eat.
And, If the book worm is dating a sex god, I'm a Gryffindor."

Hermione stood up and got in the other girl'se. e. "What are you saying? That
I'm not pretty enough for him?" She couldn't take it anymore. First, Severus had
brushed her off and then this girl told her she wasn't pretty enough for Malfoy to shag.
He'd shag anyone!

"Should I speak slower?"

Draco's eyes sparkled. "Cat fight! Defend my honor, kitten!"

"Your what?" Harry rolled his eyes. "You can't defend something that doesn't
exist."

The snakes slithered closer. Snippy bit into a strawberry. "Oooh, breakfast and
a show."

"We didn't even have to pay!" Snarky enthused. "Punch her lights out, Hiney!"

Draco was distracted by the snakes. Who knew they were so snippy and snarky?

"You want to take this outside?" Hermione had been itching to use her dueling
charms on someone other than Malfoy and Severus.

"No, I want you to prove it."

Severus had seen the disturbance and was barreling down the aisle, tipping over
the chairs of oblivious students in his rush to break it up.

"Well, I've never fancied shagging in front of a crowd but. . ." Draco said
outrageously. He started moving plates out of the way. "Is here good for you, honey?
Or do you want to try the floor?"

Snippy and Snarky started backing down the table. "Woah! We didn't want that
much of a show."

Draco couldn't help but laugh and Harry cast him a questioning glance.

Ron put his head in his hands. "This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
It's not happening. . ."

Hermione unbuttoned the top of her robe, her uniform was still underneath. She
hopped up on the table. "Top or bottom, Drakkey?" She gestured to the left. "And
hand me the syrup."

"No, not the syrup!" Snippy cried.

"We need it!" Snarky hooked the small pitcher with his tail. "Syrup is for
flapjacks, you perverts!"


Malfoy had to agree with the snakes. "But its so sticky." He was relieved to see
them haul it down the table and protectively place it behind a couple of third years.

"Please don't have sex on the breakfast table! Please?" Ron begged.

"No one is having sex on any table! Especially not Slytherins'." Severus
growled as he came upon the scene.

Ron sighed. "Thank you, sir," he said in relief. " I think I love you."

Severus glanced down at him. "That includes you, Weasley."

"Like a Gryffindor would do that." Harry said as he sipped his tea. His eyes
twinkled.

"Well, I guess we'll have to use the floor, then." Draco gave it the once over,
noting the sharp stones. "You can be on the bottom."

Severus' eyes just about popped out of his head. "No one is having any sort of
sexual relations *anywhere* in this room! Of all the--"

"Then, I'll have to settle for an appetizer." Hermione slid her hands into
Draco's hair, grateful that he'd cut back his daily allowance of gel and tipped his head
back. Then, she planted a kiss on his lips which were currently in a startled 'O'.

Draco made a noise of protest, trying to move back, he idly pushed at her
shoulders but she was determined.

Ron let out a strangled cry. "Not again!" He pressed his hand to his chest. "My
breakfast is coming back up."

Severus seized Draco by the collar and hauled him out of his chair by the scruff
of his neck. "Mr. Malfoy!"

At seeing the murderous expression of the Potions Master, he quickly sputtered
out an explanation. "I was being kissed! Not kissing, sir."

"That's right," Harry commented. "He was the kissee."

Blaise crossed her arms over her chest and walked off in a huff.

"Miss Granger, Mr. Malfoy," Severus was trembling with rage. "This is
*INAPPROPRIATE*, *UNACCEPTABLE*-"

"Unnatural?" Harry offered.

"Unattractive?" Ron threw out.

"Unnecessary?" Snippy added.

"Unappetizing?" Snarky tightened his death grip on the syrup.

"You will both lose 50 House points. . . from Slytherin!" The Slytherins groaned.
"And have detention with me. Effective this evening."

"Don't worry, Malfoy." Harry goaded. "You might get your chance later on
tonight."

"And you can join them, Potter, just for your cheek." He was about to stalk off in
a swirl of jet robes and fury, when he turned back to spit out. " There will be no sexual
relations in detention. On any tables, chairs, or floors." He stomped away and called
over his shoulder. "Or desks!"

**********


"So I heard everyone's required to take Muggle Studies this year." Ron gave
them both a stern look. "Don't you dare tell my dad that a real live Muggle is teaching
it or he'll be inviting him to dinner and coming in for teacher conferences."

Roermiermione, and Harry were walking down the hall towards Tatterton's
classroom. They had all recovered from the morning's events. Although, Harry and
Hermione were dreading detention.

"Wouldn't dream of it," Harry promised. "You can always tell him to drop by
my aunt and uncle's place if he ever gets the urge for Muggle culture." Harry was in the
middle of the trio, his arms draped around his friends' shoulders

Ron rolled his eyes. "Don't give him ideas. Guys?" They both looked at him. "I
heard Malfoy's in our class, Are you two going to be okay?" He wasn't exactly sure
what was going on, but he knew that his two friends had become mixed up with the
two Slytherins in a serious way. He intended to find out some answers. Tonight.

"I'm not the one who has a Malfoy problem," Hermione said with feigned
lightness.


"No, you were the one playing Quidditch with his tonsils at breakfast," Ron
reminded her.

Harry shook his head and made a face.

"Anyway, I can't wait to see Malfoy's reaction. Everyone knows how he feels
about Muggles," Ron said.

"I, for one, like Dr. Tatterton. I think this is going to be fun." Hermione stated.

"Great. Hermione's shagging this teacher too," Ron muttered.

Hermione heard him. "Let it go, Ron! I told you that there's more going on than
I can tell you right now. I haven't shagged him or any other teachers, for that matter,
Ronald Weasley. And Dr. Troy is more Harry's type than mine."

Ron turned suspicious eyes on Harry.

Outside the door to the classroom stood Draco Malfoy. The three stopped in
front of him. Draco noted the affection he was showing his friends with a supercilious
smirk. "So, Potter, manage to keep your mouth to yourself on the way here?"

Harry grinned, then leaned over and kissed Ron on the top of the head with a
loud smacking sound. "I almost made it." He quirked an eyebrow at the blond boy,
waiting for him to say something about it.

"No, Potter, I don't want you to kiss me too." Draco grinned at the sheepish
expression on Harry's face.

Harry started to respond when Hermione stepped in front of Draco. "Sugar-bear! Will you carry my books for me?" She tossed a large black book bag at him. It
landed on his toe with a thud and a sickening crunch.

"Bloody hell!" Draco muttered as he delicately pulled his foot out from under it.
He took his foot in his hand and leveled a glare at Granger that promised retribution.

"Thanks . . .schnookums." She smirked as Harry and Ron escorted her into the
classroom.

Draco sighed, heaving the bag onto one shoulder and proceeded to follow them.
He had a slight limp as he walked. Draco reached the table at which they sat, he
dropped the book on top of it, where Ron's hand happened to be resting. "Oops."

"Why you little - " Ron started, but was stopped by Harry as Dr. Tatterton
arrived. He wore a pair of jeans and a "Guess" sweatshirt. Ron looked at Harry,
confused. " 'Guess' what?"

"What?"

Ron tried again. " 'Guess' what?"

Harry frowned. "What?"

"Honestly!" Hermione threw up her hands. "It's a Muggle logo."

Dr. Tatterton surveyed the youthful faces of his first class at Hogwarts. "Good
morning, class. I'm Dr. Troy and I am the new Muggle Studies professor this year.
Some of your faces are familiar." He nodded to Harry and Hermione were seated at the
first table. "Some of you are new." He smiled at the rest of the class.

He began to walk the length of the room. "I suppose I could lecture you on
Muggle history or politics but I thought it might be more interesting to introduce you to
the culture first. So, put away your quills and parchment. Quickly now." The students
dutifully packed up their possessions. "Excellent."

The students stared at him, their interest peaked.

"Wood, if you could. . ." Troy gestured to the doorway and the young man shut
off the lights. "Let me present the center of Muggle youth culture." He looked around
the room, smiling as the t.v. came on. "M. . . T. . .V."

<just imagine the 2001 space Odyssey theme here>

The snakes crawled out from inside Hermione's bag. Their eyes widened in
disbelief and wonder at the sight before them.


*********


Severus sat at his desk, three candles offered the only illumination in his
classroom. He was sipping a cup of black coffee and frowning as he graded the first
assignments of the term. Obviously, his new group of first years were dunderheads.
That didn't surprise him in the least, most of his students were.

What did surprise him was the outrageous behavior of Hermione Granger.
Obviously, she was upset by what he'd said last night but he never thought she'd try to
molest Draco in front of everyone. He took another sip of coffee. . . or maybe she really
was interested in young Malfoy. Draco was a handsome boy, even he had to admit
that. Those looks probably came from his father. . .the bastard.

Lucius Malfoy. . .the bastard. . . had always been handsome and charming. Most
of the young women in Slytherin had dated him or wanted to. Not that Malfoy had
cared much about their feelings. Severus had heard quite a few rumors about him and
first years, even when they had gone off to college. Malfoy had bought his way into
university, his grades had been atrocious. Not from lack of intellect, just lack of focus.
Severus, of course, passed his classes with flying colors. And he'd been a great deal
more discriminating when it came to women.

It was odd that the two men had ended up joining the Death Eaters. Severus had
been always been fascinated by dark magic. One day, he'd caught Malfoy doing a
blood ritual in the common room. . .no one ever said Lucius was discrete. Severus was
intrigued by the sheer power involved as well as the skill it required to harness the
magic. Lucius had slyly offered to let him assist and he'd accepted. From then on,
Severus was consumed by elevating his own power. He'd been entangled with the
Death Eaters ever since.

Thankfully, Draco wasn't as depraved or decadent as his father. The young man
was intelligent and resourceful. True, he was interested in gaining power and prestige
but what young man wasn't? Draco made excellent grades and was always attentive in
class, at least Potions, which was all Severus cared about. As Head of Slytherin, he'd
heard rumblings about Malfoy's. . .*extra curricular* activities but he hadn't heard of
anything illegal which was an improvement on his father.

"Severus?" Draco asked, walking into the room.

"Have a seat," Severus nodded to the first row in front of his desk. "I'm glad
that you're a bit early, we have something to discuss."

Draco held up his hands. "About this morning? Sir, I never had sexual relations
with that woman."

Severus stared at him.

"I would never do that on a breakfast table!"

"That's not what I heard," Severus insinuated. He crossed his arms across his
chest to watch the young Malfoy squirm.

"No, it was a study table in the. . .the point is, Severus, I would never do that
with an audience."

"I see. In the future, I expect you to keep up the appearance of dating Miss
Granger without resorting to prurient measures. "

"I'm sorry, Severus," Draco apologized, but there was a gleam in his eye. "I
didn't know that she was. . .special to you."

Severus turned away quickly. "You have some Potions homework to complete,
if I'm not mistaken. Begin!"

Draco pulled out his supplies, stifling a discerning smile. So, that's how it was,
eh?

Harry and Hermione came in together. They both had their books, ready to
participate in detention. They decided to take the two seats at the desk on the right
when Severus looked up. "Mr. Potter, sit next to Mr. Malfoy."

"But-"

"Now, Potter. Miss Granger may sit by herself."

"That's right, Harry," Hermione sniffed. "He's afraid you and I might have sex
on his table."

"No one is having sex in this room!" Severus thundered.

"Least of all you," Hermione said under her breath.

Harry took a seat next to Malfoy, eyes wide as he waited for the explosion.

"Do you want another detention?!" Snape stood up, he hadn't heard what she
said but it couldn't have been complimentary.

Hermione opened her book bag. "Might as well. My *perfect* record has
already been ruined."

"Silence! " Severus downed the rest of his coffee and resumed grading tests. The
papers were smeared with red ink by the time he'd finished with them.

Hermione wished she had something to throw at him. She rooted around in her
book bag and came up with a couple of snakes. "Ugh, hitchhike a ride with Harry next
time." She tossed them to the side.

They sighed in relief as they saw daylight again. Snippy was slightly crushed
from the books. He wiggled his tail until it puffed out again. "That's the last time we
hide in there, no food and lots of heavy books."

Snarky collapsed on the table. "Hey, where are we?"

Snippy took in the scene. "Uh oh. . .detention." He looked over and saw Harry.
"Sss' up, Harry?"

"How you doin', baby?" Snarky looked over his shoulder. "He's kickin' it with
the sssex god. Hey, Harry, we got the munchies. Do you have a snack?"

Harry rolled his eyes at their newly acquired slang.

Draco reached into his robes and pulled out a couple of chocolate frogs.

The snakes were ecstatic. They leapt unto the table and seized the treats. "That
was a lucky break. We didn't even have to search him."

Snarky had chocolate around his mouth. "Hey, Harry, tell him we said
'thanks'."

"You guys never say thanks to me," Harry muttered, a little hurt.

"You're welcome," Draco replied, looking the little snake in the eye.

They both dropped their half-eaten frogs. "Can you hear me?" Snippy asked.

"Yes," Draco replied softly. He looked up and saw Snape furiously grading
papers and sneaking looks at Hermione. Good, he was occupied.

"Lucky guess," Snarky scoffed. He turned around and faced the front of the
classroom. "Can you hear me now?"

"Yes," Draco said.

Harry was stunned. "So, you *are* a parselmouth!"

"A recent one." He smirked. "Three guesses how that happened, Potter."

The snakes weren't convinced. "You read lips, don't you? Merlin knows, you've
had the practice." Snarky put a tail to his mouth. "Can you hear me now?"

"Yes!"

Snippy crawled up his arm to hiss in his ear. "Can you hear me now?"

"Stop that!" He pulled the snake away and deposited it on the table. "My
hearing is just fine."

"Don't get them started," Harry warned.

Hermione whispered over, "What's going on?"

"I see that one desk away is not far enough." Snape scowled. "Very well." He
stood, folding his arms across his chest. "Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Potter. I have a special
assignment for you. You will go to the third corridor on the right hand side - "

"But sir, that's forbidden!" Harry protested.

"Why, yes it is, Mr. Potter. But I seem to recall you being rather familiar with
the area." Snape smiled wickedly. "You do recall a certain room with a trapdoor?"

"Yes. It used to be under the butt of a three-headed dog." Harry said flatly.

Severus' lips twitched. "The dog is gone. We use the room for storage now. I
want you and Mr. Malfoy here to organize the contents of that room, and clean it top to
bottom."

Harry and Draco stood, turning to leave.

"Stop!" The potions master pointed at the desk. "Take those two with you. I
won't have them hissing in my ear while I'm grading papers."

"Like we would get that close!" Snippy smirked. "Better breath or not - we're
keeping our distance."

"Though his hair does seem cleaner today." Snarky turned to Snape. "Did
Hogsmeade run out of motor oil? Poor Snape."

Draco nearly choked, covering his mouth to make it look like a cough. Harry
reached down to offer an arm to Snippy, and Draco followed suit. Snarky slithered up
his arm, draping himself around his neck. Snippy looked over at him and nodded his
head at Malfoy. Snarky leaned close to Draco's ear. "Can you hear me, now?"'

"YES!!!"

**********


Hermione sat with her back ramrod straight, working on her homework.
Occasionally, she would sneak a glance at Snape but he seemed to be absorbed in
making as many marks on each paper as he could. She started to turn back to her
homework, and changed her mind. She wasn't *just* his student. And that's not who
she was when she was alone with Severus Snape. Not anymore.

Taking a cue from Malfoy, she leaned back in her chair. Carelessly ,she tossed
her quill onto her desk, forcing herself not to flinch as her papers drifted askew.
Hermione tilted her head to the side, and regarded Snape from under a raised brow.

"Miss Granger?" Snape looked up, feeling her gaze. "May I help you?"

"Yes, *Severus*." She crossed her arms over her chest. "You can explain to me
why I'm sitting in detention for doing something I was supposed to do."

"I beg your pardon! No, in fact, you should be begging mine! You are not
supposed to engage in sexual liaisons in the Great Hall!" He stood up, still angry. "I
am fairly certain that is no where in the Death Eater Manual, despite the nauseating
traditions of the Malfoy family!"

"No, I'm supposed to convince the whole of Hogwarts that I'm dating the prince
of Slytherin!" She yelled back, standing and moving to the front of her desk.

"Well, I think they were convinced!" He gestured with his hand. "Considering
he was about to sleep with you on the breakfast table! If he got any closer to you I
would have . . ."

"Would have what?" She asked him softly, her heart pounding. Was he jealous?

"Been *very* displeased." His scowl deepened.

"Why? Because you never learned to play well with others?" She suggested.

He stepped down from his desk, moving to stand in front of her. Gently he
crooked a finger under his chin, lifting her face to look in her eyes. "You know why."

*********


Snippy and Snarky peered around Harry's head to look down the hallway.
"Oooh . . .sssscary . . ."

Harry had put Snarky on his own shoulder when he tried to bite Draco for
yelling at him. It had been a near miss. He looked over at Draco, who was glancing
over the room. "Never been here before?"

"No." Draco smirked. "Y'know, Potter, you break a lot of rules for being a
Gryffindor."

"I'm a Slytherin now." Harry smirked back. "You're the Gryffindor."

"I think they're flirting. Does that sound like flirting to you?" Snippy looked
quizzically at the two.

"I think sssso." Snarky nodded. "Course, I suppose Malfoy hasn't had much
practice with that. Not usually necesssary from what I heard."

"You two are the reason my reputation is in tatters isn't it?" Draco groaned. "I
haven't shagged that many! Not nearly as much as you'd think!"

"Liar, liar, pantssss on fire!" Snippy laughed.

"Well there you go! That's a pick up line if I ever heard one!" Snarky grinned.
"Try that one on Harry - see if he'll ssssleep with you!"

"No." Harry glared at Draco. Carefully, he proceeded through the hall to the
door Fluffy used to guard. He stopped outside it.

"Three-headed dog, huh?" Draco stared at the door.

"Yup." Harry grimaced. "Short on patience, big on drool. It wasn't pretty."

Harry tried the door, and surprisingly it was unlocked. They walked through,
staring in disgust at the room. It was piled high with old trunks, coated in thick dust.
Harry approached one and opened it. It was full of old text books. "So, tell me, Draco.
How is it that you can understand parseltongue?"

"I'm not exactly sure. But I think it has to do with being . . .you know . . ."

"Hmm." Harry muttered. The snakes looked at him with shrewd eyes. Snippy
opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off.

"Hey, Potter - look at this!" Malfoy had opened a very old trunk in the back. It
had the Hogwarts emblem carved into, along with the other houses. On the inner lid
were carved the initials: S.S. and G.G. "How old do you think this is?"

"Older than Hogwartsssss." Hissed Snippy. "Check it out, Snarky. Salazar's old
school chest."

Snarky dived into the trunk, popping back up with a photo album, which he
tossed on the floor. "Ha! I knew we left that somewhere!"

"What is it?" Harry settled himself on the floor next to the trunk, pulling the
volume into his lap. Snippy and Snarky each perched on a knee, looking at it. Harry
looked up at Malfoy with an enquiring eye. Grimacing at the dirt on the floor, he
gingerly knelt behind Harry, a hand on his shoulder to steady himself. Harry flexed his
shoulder, slightly discomfitted at Draco's familiarity. Draco shot him a knowing glance,
but did not move his hand. Harry didn't ask to him to move it either.

"It's our family photo album!" Snippy answered.

"You have family!" Harry shuddered. "Are they anything like you?"

"Of course not! Each parsel snake pair is incredibly unique." Snarky sniffed.

"Hold on a tic." Draco frowned. "Parsel snake pair?"

"Yeah, s'right! We come in pairs. Salazar's idea." Snippy explained. "We were
created by him as a gift for Godric's birthday. A whole new, improved species of
snake."

"Yeah, he made quite a few pairs of us, gifts for favorite students, faculty and the
like. We're like . . .party favors." Snarky reflected.

"You're telling me that Salazar Slytherin created you cretins for Godric
Gryffindor's birthday?" Harry asked slowly.

"That'sss cold, Harry. We're not cretins." Snarky stared at him. "We're
*snakes*."

"Yeah, God and Sal used to be really close." Snippy gave Harry and Draco an
appraising look. "If you know what I mean, and I think you do."

"You mean they were - " Draco started

"Symmetrius." Snarky cut him off. "Or were you about to say something else?"

"They were Symmetrius! But I thought that was a myth." Harry seemed startled.

"Yeah, and all snakes were created equal," Snarky snickered.

"How did you know that Draco and I . . .that we . . . I'm not even sure . . ." Harry
struggled with the words.

"You see it once, you can spot it again." Snippy shrugged. "Not like you two are
real stealthy with the secret keeping."

"Just how old are you two?" Draco questioned, enjoying the way the new hissing
sound came from his throat. Was it just him, or did this add a whole new degree of
sexy to his persona?

"We just told you we were created by Salazar Slytherin!" Snippy pointed out.
He tapped Draco's forehead with his tail. "Hello? Can you hear me now?"

"Same problem as Godric. Never did pay enough attention to us," Snarky
sighed.

"Wait a minute. Godric was a parsel tongue?" Harry asked, the thought making
him feel lighter inside.

"No," Snippy said simply.

Snarky remained quiet.

Harry looked between the two of them. They never, ever had just one word to
say. About anything.

"No?" Draco asked.

"It wasn't our fault! He needed to develop a sense of humor," Snarky defended.

"What are you on about?" Harry questioned.

"We don't speak ill of the dead," Snippy said.

"Since when do you not speak ill about anyone?" Harry snorted.

"You're a very nosy person, Harry," Snarky hissed at him.

"Yeah, why you all up in our biz'ness!" Snippy whipped his head around. They
had really been enjoying the new Muggle studies class.

"I'lve yve you a pound bag of fizzing whizbees," Draco offered.

"Each?" They asked shrewdly.

"Done," Draco agreed. Never underestimate the greed of a candy connoisseur
"So what happened?"

"Well, we were hanging out with God and Sal . . ."

"Y'know, just chillin', kickin' it with our boys . . ." Snippy nodded.

Harry shook his head. It was all Dr. Tatterton's fault.

"And we said . . .something that offended Godric."

"Imagine that," Harry said acrimoniously .

"Shut up, Harry," Snippy growled " He cursed us so no one could understand
us but Salazar. That's why they call it 'parseltongue'. He developed a way for the other
people in his house to hear us, and it gets passed along in Wizarding families. Very
rare."

Snarky shrugged. "Who knew he couldn't take a joke?"

"What did you say?" Draco asked.

"We can't tell you." Snippy frowned. "That's part of the curse."

"But didn't making you speak a different language take care of him hearing you
say whatever it was you said?"

"Yeah, but we kept repeating it to Sal . . ."

"And he kept snickering whenever he was around God . . ."

"But it was really, really funny!" Snarky burst into laughter, Snippy joining him.

"So, how'd the album end up in this trunk?" Harry asked, indicating the book in
his lap.

"Must've left it somewhere and the house elves picked it up." Snarky shrugged.
"Open it up, Harry! Let's take a look!"

********


Severus cupped her chin in his hand. His expression was soft as he spoke. "I
wish you hadn't followed me into the woods that night."

Hermione wasn't offended. She knew why he wished that. "It'd make things a
bit more simple, huh?" He brushed the back of his hand over her cheek and her eyes
drifted shut of their own accord. Anywhere he touched became warm and liquid, as if
his touch was melting her.

"Ah, but things are never simple for us, are they?" Severus knew he shouldn't
be here, touching her and saying these things but he couldn't stop himself. As always,
temptation caused him to sample the forbidden.

"No, I guess not." She forced herself to open her eyes. She felt as if her thoughts
were fuzzy, it was as though his presence focused all of her thoughts to focus solely on
him and their was little room for any other musings.

Severus reluctantly drew his hand away from her upturned face. "We need to
talk, Hermione." He sat down beside her.

"I guess we do," she acquiesced. "But don't you dare start acting like Mr.
Professor! I know that we might teacher and student but I'm not some silly school girl."

"Of course not. You're far from it, in fact."

"So, you admit that there's. . .something between us."

"I feel it. And, of course there is. We've blurred the line between teacher and
student, Hermione. We've cast ourselves in the roles of equals."

"Exactly."

"Exactly," Severus looked less than pleased. "We might be playing the roles but
we aren't equal. You are still a child, for all intents and purposes, and I am still your
teacher."

"Then, why have you been running around here like a madman, glaring at any
boy who so much as looks at me."

"I seldom run, I sweep into a room majestically, trailing glory and awe ," Severus
said, deadpan. She smiled a bit but was sobered by his expression. "The reason I've
been acting like a pratt is simple. Once I have something in my possession, HermioI
nI
never let go."

"But. . .you don't possess me," she flushed as she thought about the impact of
that statement. "I mean. . ."

"Not yet," Severus eyes were haunted as he took her hand between his two
larger ones. "But I want to."

"And that's bad?"

"For you. " He released her hand and moved slightly away from her.

"I see," she said gravely. Hermione forced herself to her feet. It was tempting to
sit here in the dim light with him while he spoke softly to her. . . but it was an illusion.
Like most things in the Wizarding world. Severus would never let anything happen
between them because he felt he was protecting her from himself or something else she
couldn't name.

"Hermione? Say something." He searched her face for some reaction but got
none. Her expression was neutral. Serene. Frankly, he'd been expecting a tongue
lashing or a flippendo out the window. Anything but this mask of carefully concealed
emotion. She was becoming quite a spy. He felt a flush of pride for his apt pupil and a
rush of remorse for the guileless school girl she'd been.

"Whatever you think is best, Severus," She answered politely. She walked away
from him and to the door of the classroom.

"I don't recall dismissing you." Severus suddenly thought teaching Hermione to
be evil was not such a great idea.

"I know," Hermione replied, leaning against the door jamb with an inscrutable
smile on her face. Severus frowned at her, trying to figure out her game. If he thought
she was giving in or giving up this easily he was sorely mistaken."And I don't expect
this detention to show up on my permanent record." She tossed him a cheeky wave
and sauntered out of the room.

Severus put his head in his hands. "*Fuck* me."

************


Two snakes, with black masks slightly askew, were pictured in a set of Wanted
Posters. One of them held a silver pistol in his tail. And the other was snickering.

"Sneaky and Snatchy. You really had to watch your stuff around them. Turn
around and - "

"It was gone, and they were splitsville." Snippy nodded.

"So, they were a lot like you," Harry grinned.

"We're candy thieves, H-man. Not kleptos." Snarky reproached him. "Turn the
page."

Two more snakes appeared. This time, from a plush chaise lounge. Around
them were open boxes of bon-bons, and cosmopolitans in brightly tinted glassware The
snakes peered down their nostrils at them.

"Snobby and Snooty. Stuck up little bitc-"

"Hey, watch the language," Harry admonished

"Well, ex-cuuuuuse me, you self-righteous sex-god smoocher." Snippy rolled his
eyes. "But they were."


Draco turned his face away, hiding his grin, but his shaking hand on Harry's
shoulder gave him away.

"Always *BITCHING* about something." Snarky poked Harry with his tail.
"Bitch, bitch,* bitch*, bitch, bitch." The dark haired young man glared at him. "Oh, I'm
sorry!" the little snake said with false contrition. "Did I offend you Harry? I forgot
how you're all Mr. Harry er."er."

"They kind of remind me of you, Draco," Snippy cut in, staring at the picture as
the snakes refused to look at him.

Draco frowned. "You have me confused with my father. He's the one laying
about eating bon-bons."

Harry turned the page to two snakes almost completely covered up by a pile of
tissues. As he watched one sneezed and the other blew his nose. Harry's lips curled in
disgust.

"Oh, turn the page already. Damn that's nasty." Snippy looked nauseated.
"Meet the allergy twins, Sneezey and Snotty."

"Snotty . . .'nuff said," Snarky agreed. "Quick before they hock something else
up. Should have quarantined them."

The next page revealed two haggard looking snakes. They sported little red
bandanas and were standing in front of a wall of graffiti. They seemed to be keeping
the rest of what they had out of sight of the camera.

"Sniffy and Snorty." Snarky nodded.

Draco raised estiestioning eyebrow.

"Druggies. They live in New York now," Snippy explained. Sniffy twisted
himself into a 'W'. "West side, baby."

"Come on, let's see the rest of the fam," Snarky insisted.

Draco turned the page this time to reveal two snakes in sunglasses. One wore a
leather jacket. The other had a blue boa on. They were signing autographs
"
"They're famous?" Harry asked.

"Just a cable access show. Good dressers though. Snappy and Snazzy,ippyippy
said sagely.

"Absolute poofs but good with an outfit."

On the next page were a pair of unusual snakes. One of them was sliding
through a stream. The other one was basking in the sun and was as white as
Dumbledore's hair.

"Mutants," Snippy criticized. He launched into an imitation. "Look at me! I'm
Snowy, so white and pure! I'm as shiny as a baby's bum. Bah!"

"And what about the eel? Snorkely. Like he's ssso special because he didn't
drown when we chucked him in the water."

"So, I'm sensing some resentment," Draco managed. He was trying not to laugh.

"Nobody asked you, pretty boy," Snippy sniped. "You wouldn't think that eel
was so damn special if he turned up in your bathtub, would you? Turn the page."

"Because, you know. . .we could arrange that," Snarky threatened.

The snakes resented any admiration of other reptiles. As far as they were
concerned, they were the pinnacle of snake achievement and class.

Draco turned the page and found a pair of surly snakes. They mugged for the
camera. . .glowering and smirking.

"Remind you of anyone, Malfoy?" Snippy asked with a hissing laugh. "That's
Sneery and Snarley."

"They're whacked." Snarky grinned at his new word.

"And wiggin'." Snippy wasn't to be outdone.

"Pretty soon I'm going to need a dictionary." Harry turned the page.

"Are you gonna touch that word, or should I?" Snippy asked.

"L it, it, dog. That's beneath us."

"Word!"

They turned to see one snake popping out of a bureau drawer. He had a sock on
his head. In the corner of the picture, another snake was taking notes.

"Nosy pratts," Snarky pronounced. "Snoopy and Snitchy almost turned us in
too."

"They're the reason Sneaky and Snatchy are in jail," Snippy said angrily.

"Sssstool snakes."

Harry grinned. "Hmm. . .now, who do I know that sneaks into people's rooms
and snoops through their stuff?"

"I don't know. Who?" Snippy said innocently.

"I pretty sure I know he was talking about. Yo! He's sitting right there!" Snarky
pointed to Draco. "Geez, you'd never make it as a spy."

"Yeah, I was talking about Malfoy," Harry said sarcastically.

"I don't know, Potter, you seem to do an awful lot of talking about me," Draco
drawled.

"None of its complimentary." Harry flipped the page.

These two snakes were sitting on beanbag chairs on the next page. They were
wearing peace signs made of hemp and seemed to be surrounded by a hazy substance
in the air. They had their tales entwined and they kept blowing kisses to each other.

"Are these Haze's relatives?" Draco asked.

"Uh, no," Snarky whispered to his comrade. "Man, he doesn't know a snake
when he sees one. Blonds."

"That's Snoggy and Snuggley. Big on the free luuuuve. Big on the free drugs
too. Let's just say they helped Haze on his way to herb land the last time they were
here."

Pondering the free love comment, Snippy turned to Draco. "They kinda remind
me of you too."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Draco asked as Harry flipped the page.

"Never mind. These are the two that really remind of you."

There was a picture of two snakes that was obscured by a black band over their
faces and some private areas of their bodies. They were both smoking cigarettes and
appeared very relaxed.

"Who the hell is that?" Harry asked.

"Smutty and Slutty," Snarky answered. "They're in jail too." He gave a wicked
laugh.

"Criminals?"

"Well, sort of," Snippy said with a frown. "It wasn't what Slutty was doing, its
just that Smutty kept filming it."

"And selling it," Snarky added.

The young men through down the book. "Ugh! Snake porn."


A/N : The quote from Lonesome Dove was said by Griff-Gruff. Mosby says "It's like
livin' in a monkey house!" No one got it. :( Well, check the series out, if you ever get a
chance. Two weeks until the next update. Hope you liked the snake family album. We
got a kick out of it. Thanks!