Snapey Went A Courting

Snapey Went A Courting

It all belongs to Rowling, except what you don’t recognize.

Chapter 15 – White Rabbit (Or Toto, I Have a Feeling We’re Not in Kansas Anymore)

Snape and Hermione were left at the edge of a field facing a thicket. There was a hole in the thicket entering into a very dark forest.

They exchanged glances. Hermione spoke first.

“I’m sorry, Severus. I’ve been a bit of a bitch. And you were right. Hogwarts: A History explains that the founders built very strong wards against the Faerie into the foundations of the castle.” Hermione blushed and looked to the ground, feeling completely devastated by her admission.

Snape turned to her, “And you were right in that the Wizarding World was presenting a danger to you and our son in the form of those nasty articles in the papers and the Changeling. None of that would have happened to a Muggle child.”

Their eyes met and continued to hold and there was a moment of pure understanding between them. Neither one knew who took the first step, but suddenly they were in each other’s arms, and his lips were upon hers. For long moments, they cherished each other.

When the kiss ended Hermione felt quite sure, but she had to ask, “Why did you come?”

“You know. My life is worth nothing without him.”

She nodded sagely. They took each other’s hand and walked into the thicket.

&&&

The geisha’s feet were making beautiful things happen to Albus Dumbledore’s back. He hadn’t felt so good in decades. The Mages of this Wizarding spa high in the mountains of Japan had known exactly how to heal the aged Headmaster of Hogwarts after the long and protracted illness he had suffered.

Though Harry had won the war, without the complete support and sacrifice of Dumbledore’s very life force, Harry would never had even had a chance. Only Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey knew this, alth Prh Prof. McGonagall had suspected exactly how high a price Dumbledore had paid.

Too soon he would have to return to his old haunt. Frankly, he had no love left for the place. He would have preferred to have stayed here at the hot springs to await the snows of winter and to see the snow monkeys gambol through the icy landscape. Even now Nature’s paintbrush was set to work it’s miracle on the mountain’s trees, rendering them in violent and exciting colors—a last celebration of life before the long sleep of winter.

Dumbledore was ready for that sleep. His soul was at ease and he could indeed contemplate anything, even his own end, here in this peaceful retreat.

&&&

Hermione noticed that his hand was clammy with sweat. He looked down and shrugged. “You’re the Gryffindor.”

“That’s just your code word for me being nutters.”

There was a warmth in Snape’s eyes that Hermione rarely saw. “I always did like you. Even when I was being mean. You didn’t know that did you?”

Hermione nearly choked. “No.”

“I wasn’t going to put up with your nonsense anymore than with the others. But you were just so idiotic in your attempts to impress me.” He quirked a smile. “No one ever tries to impress me. I enjoyed all that power you gave over to your professors. Yet at thee tie time you got them all to jump through your hoops. Except for that charlatan, Trelawney. Yes, you were both quite idiotic and manipulative at the same time.”

“I never knew you noticed me.” Hermione was getting a rather strange feeling.

“And the way you’d domineer Potter and Weasley. Had ‘em both whipped you did.” His breath was coming in short spurts. “There’s something wrong.” He took a handkerchief and patted the beads of sweat that had formed on his upper lip and forehead.

“You mean with this place?”

“You feel it, too?”

“Intoxicating and…”

“Frightening. Like an opium induced anxiety attack.”

Hermione was about to ask how he’d know what THAT was like, when she felt it as well. She wanted to laugh and cry and scream and it was like tiny insects were crawling all over her. And, well, yes, there they were. Hermione studied them. Little things of neon blue and green and pink and… she really couldn’t watch them crawl over her skin any longer.

“They want us to leave. This is a warding spell.”

“Or warning. We are meant to leave here.” Snape tittered. “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“The bugs?”

“The faces. The leaves have these little, leering faces, and they are quite grotesque.”

Hermione couldn’t see that. She looked all around her and wasn’t sure. She held out her arm to Snape.

“Do you see anything crawling on my arms?”

Snape took a deep breath and released it. “No. And the leaves aren’t watching us, are they?”

“Actually,” Hermione rubbed her eyes, “they are!”

She saw them. Small, little warty eyes blinking at her from the leaves. Then it leapt forward at them. The leaves were its face, but it had hundreds of eyes. Blue ones and grey ones and some pink…

The rest of the creature emerged from the dark woods around them.

“Severus? Are you really good at the Dark Arts?” asked Hermione in somewhat of a panic.

“All the Snapes are.” He preened in spite of the fact that the little green leafy fellow with the numerous eyes had a black pitchfork and looked about to use it on him. “My father would have been very helpful in a situation like this.”

“Your father?” Hermione began searching her pockets. They were empty! She didn’t have the chain made of iron either. A creature, which looked like nothing more than a headless rooster with a face in its chest, came strutting along. It leered at them and shat, barely missing Snape’s foot.

“Died before I was born. I just was told that about the Snapes all my life. How good the Snapes were at it.” He was swaying a bit on his feet, and Hermione took him by his arm to steady him.

“It’s just that I’ve seen what the Forbidden Forest holds and it’s nothing like this,” stated Hermione.

“No, this realm is totally different from the Wizarding World. Much less orderly. It’s all wild magic.”

The rooster thing suddenly had a spiral thing like a snails shell, faceless with just two little legs sprouting fromfrom it, jump up on its back. It dug in its heels much as a rider would to a horse and the two of them galloped off.

Mr. Greenleaves, as Hermione had dubbed it, was still staring at them. It scratched its head and then it’s butt. Or what might pass as a butt. It did seem to be a sentinel of some sort as it was standing in the path in a most threatening way for a being that didn’t even come up to her kneecaps. She thought for a minute that perhaps she should simply kick it out of her way and that would be that. They didn’t have all day after all.

There was a rustling along the path of something very large…

There was an odor of something that definitely needed a good wash…

And, thought Hermione as she shut her eyes, someone should have at least given it a loincloth or two or three! Gods or just made a tent for it!

It was purple and green and scabrous and that was the nice part. It’s sexual organs, and again Hermione was completely uncertain since they might have been tentacles, except there were no suckers anywhere on them and tentacles didn’t have foreskins or little slits in them. Did they? So they may be penises, penii, um, multiple phalli there all over his body. His face was quite normal if you ignored the lack of a nose. And ears. Or the way his silver hair just seemed to sprout in a topknot from the tip of its pointy-head. It continued to tower over them and its cat’s eyes gleamed. He looked rather happy to see them judging from the way all those appendages, some small--others quite impressive, were waving.

“Ooosumes, thisssisway.” Mr. Greenleaves warbled.

When neither human moved, the large, happy thing waved them on and started walking. Mr. Greenleaves jumped behind them, seemingly ready to prod their calves, if the need arose for further encouragement.

Hermione noted that for someone whose family were good at dealing with the Dark Arts, Snape was unraveling fast.

“Severus.”

“Some sort of spell. Forcing me. I’m fighting it.” He began ripping at his clothing.

Hermione felt odd, but there was no desire on her part to undress. She gasped when Snape threw off his robe and suddenly took off at a run past her and the large creature. She did note that he seemed to have resumed the practice of wearing underwear, but a few steps down the path saw them hanging from a bush. She picked them up and put them over her alo along with his other articles of clothing and the wand he had dropped.

This did not bode well, she sighed to herself.

&&&


The owl arrived. It was a foreign owl and seemed quite tired. The Japanese Wizard and Master of the Healing Arts gave it a reward and chanted a blessing over it. The owl nodded politely and headed to the owlery to rest.

Master Hiro Mifune saw it had brought a copy of a Wizarding newspaper from Great Britain. He understood that it should be thrown out to protect their honored Wizard Dumbledore from any excitement. However, the headlines caught his eye. He hurried off to consult with the head of the spa.

&&&

“How do I look?” It was at times like these that Iolanthe most rued the combined curse and ability of her birth that had destroyed her normal sight and left her a seer of the supernatural.

“Gorgeous.”

In truth Iolanthe’s hair had a huge tangle in the back, her lipstick was on crooked and there was a hole in her left stocking. Her pink bra straps were showing quite clearly under the straps of her simple black dress. But Quinn was a Pooka—and what did Pookas know? Except that the girl who had no idea she was related to him, was the most beautiful granddaughter that any Faerie could ever have or want.

&&&

Hermione continued to follow Smiley (she had named him Smiley because his ‘you knows’ all did seem to be rather perky and almost smiling). The further along they went, the more she wondered if the scenic artists for The Wizard of Oz and Disney’s Alice in Wonderland had ever been here. Chlorophyll was out. There was less and less green and more bizarre Technicolor foliage and shadows all swirling and swishing around her! Everything glowed! She didn’t recognize any of the plants anymore. Trees tended to be nothing more than huge bushes and vines. It was as if she were being miniaturized as she walked along.

Even more, she wondered if Bosch and Brueghel hadn’t also paid a visit here. She had thought when she first learned of the Wizarding World that it was not just magical, but beautiful. But here mingled the grotesque and the bizarre creating a sense of befuddlement. Things didn’t fit into categories like they did in her magical books. There was no separation of animal from mineral and vegetable and things were as likely to have twenty eyes, noses, mouths and limbs as none at all. Some scurried, some loped and some seemed to snuffle along, all with no rhyme or reason. In fact, she never seemed to see two the same of anything…

Except for the gnat-like little creatures that seemed to hover everywhere.

She tried not to look at them. It made her feel rather ill. They were like miniature people with wings, except their genitalia were three times the size that they would be had they been in proportion. And they were entirely too devoted to copulation. Everywhere she looked, and she tried not to, they were fornicating! And not just normal stuff… Hermione was well read, and could easily identify acts of vaginal intercourse, sodomy, fellatio and cunnilingus. But what other stuff they were doing had her baffled! There were females coupled with two males, three males, and there was this one little mass orgy of females mixed with males that seemed to be breaking the bounds of all physics and reason. In fact, she was quite certain she was going a bit mad from it all…

She felt a warm little geyser on her wrist, and yes, indeed there was one of them, industriously humping away at her. Her revulsion at the raping of her wrist was only second to the thought of touching it or attempting to remove it. She shook her arm and the thing went flying with a little noise of disappointment.

She tried not to retch. The things in various pastel and jewel shades were everywhere. And they now seemed to be swarming about her head. She picked up the pace a bit, almost running into Smiley who seemed to know only two speeds, ponderous and quite ponderous. She turned to Greenleaves who stopped and started some long complaint in a dialect quite beyond her.

“She wants to know why you stopped.”

Hermione whipped around her. “Did you say something?” she addressed Smiley in shock that he sounded, so well… educated.

Smiley cleared his throat and in best BBC announcer diction repeated, “She wants to know why you stopped.” There was a prickle at Hermione’s calf as if to emphasis Ms. Greenleaves’ impatience.

“These things are getting to be a nuisance.” She pointed a small orgy clutch that had landed on her bosom.

Greenleaves went into a long babbling story ending it with taking a finger and thumb, well, actually it looked like nettle stems and grabbing a fornicating couple. There was an opening in the leaves in her face and in the lovers went. There was a loud scream and a crunch.

Hermione’s eyes went wide and her mouth circled into an “O” which Greenleaves took as indicative that Hermione was feeling peckish as well, and she picked up a thrusting couple to put in Hermione’s mouth. Hermione quickly shut her mouth and shook her head.

Smiley laughed, as the swarm with a shriek quickly left the general vicinity. “The sprites don’t fancy being noshed upon. But don’t you worry your pretty head none.” At the comment ‘pretty head’, a few of his heads saluted, “They are immortals. Chew them up and shite them out, and still they’ll be fine.”

He turned and continued on their way. Hermione wondered if Smiley was even able to sit down with all the extra members that were flapping on his backside. Her analytical mind just couldn’t help itself, and she additionally entertained the question that for all the extra bits he had-- there was only one sac. How did the others… function without scrotums? Hermione mentally slapped herself. She really didn’t want to know.

They eventually reached a clearing. It was meadow-like but had grass as garish and bright as Easter basket excelsior. There in the middle of it was a bower. On the bower, lay a full-sized woman with full breasts and generous hips. She was completely free of hair, top and bottom, displaying for the entire world to see her bare mound and labial folds. Her skin was, Hermione tried to find the right word. She was nacreous, as if she had been carved from black mother of pearl. Her skin was a non-human midnight black, swirling with iridescent colors. Her eyes were little more than slits and she watched Hermione approach with glistening fire opal eyes. She smiled then, and Hermione saw row upon row of tiny, sharp teeth.

Hermione’s own eyes filled with tears as she saw Snape. He was naked except for the wreathes of flowers and herbs that wound about his thin body. A crown of nameless and exotic looking blooms in creamy yellows and bright oranges, light blues and lavenders covered his head. There was a garland about his neck leading to a leash of flowers that the creature held. More flowers surrounded his waist not quite hiding the very large purplish erection he sported.

coulcould not miss the look of sheer misery shining in his eyes as he sucked on the being’s big toe.

A/N: Big hugs and thanks to my reviewers: Littlebird, LadyCrescentStar, Susan, Spaz141, Mele, Deb and Innerfeline.

White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small,
And the ones that mother gives you
Don\'t do anything at all.
Go ask Alice
When she\'s ten feet tall.

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you\'re going to fall,
Tell \'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call.
Call Alice
When she was just small.

When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you\'ve just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low.
Go ask Alice
I think she\'ll know.

When logic and proportion
Have fallen softly dead,
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen\'s \"off with her head!\"
Remember what the dormouse said:
\"Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head\"

http://www.ivory.org/lyrics/wrabbit.html