Out of Time and Memory

Chapter 14 - Turmoil

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* = Harry’s thought


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ = Draco’s tho


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ = Omnipotent thought


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/In every life
It has been said
There comes a time to join the dead
Admit there is no second chance
And join death in a final dance/

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It is still difficult to believe that my life must include, or end in, murder. I know that everyone dies eventually, but why is it that it has been lain on me to commit this crime? After all, murder is a crime, and once convicted of it, not many are given a second chance to prove their innocence. And I will definitely not be innocent, if I survive. And that is a very big if.

As these thoughts become to muchbearbear in the brightly colored Gryffindor common rooms, I head outside into the pouring rain, where the weather matches my somber spirits.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

/Across the floor eternity
Until the final moments bled
And in the dark to take his hand
Accept that it is time to wed/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I watch the fire dance across the green and silver trimmings of the Slytherin common rooms, counting down the final hours until the school year officially begins. I know, at that point, that I will have to face the school, and that none of them can see that my allegiances have changed. Father is in Azkaban Prison, Mother is being taken care of by her French relatives. The question was: to follow the Dark Lord, to step into the ranks of the Death Eaters and eventually fill my father’s place at The Lord’s right side, or to turn away from the Dark Lord and follow Dumbledore’s path. I always thought that the answer would be simple.

It is not so simple anymore. And I had to make the only decision that I could make, once I faced the facts without my father whispering lies in my ears. And despite the fact that it was not simple at all, it was one of the easiest things that I’ve ever done.

The noise in the common room becomes to much for me to bear at this moment. Grabbing my cloak, I stride out of the Slytherin dorms, out of the castle, and into the night, barely noticing the rain that soaks me to my skin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/I don’t know what I’m thinking
Because all that I see
Is his face grinning
Mephistopheles/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ik puk purposefully to the lake, the place that I usually go when I need to think, and find answers to unanswerable questions. I am finding it difficult to keep my thoughts in order. Every time I think seriously about having abandoned the fate set me by my family, all I see is the face of the Dark Lord grinning as he performs awful curses upon those who would defy him. And that image is terrible enough to drive out any rational thought I may have in the first place.

Approaching the lake, I see a figure striding towards the shore from the opposite direction. Damn. I came here to be alone. But, as usual, there’s Harry-Bloody-Potter, there to ruin my moment. I sigh in frustration, and realize he sees me, too. I stand not looking at him, just staring over the surface of the lake. I can see that this annoys him more than anything, so I remain silent. This time, it is up to him to make the first move.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/I need to find an answer
For this one can not be
Within the words of
Mephistopheles/

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I think that the rain might clear my mind, wash away all thought. And for a moment, I think that it might work. But then I see the figure standing only a few feet away from me on the shore of the lake. A figure I thought that I hated with all my soul, until I learned what real hatred is. And now I don’t know what to think. He is not taunting me, not poking cruel barbs at my pain. But just seeing him reminds me of his father, who in turn reminds me of Voldemort, the one I hate above all.

Suddenly, I am reminded of the image shown me by the Mirror of Erised in Grimmauls Place. An image of Malfoy standing by the lake, and myself coming to join him. Why do I remember this image?

Because standing beside me, looking out over the lake, is Draco Malfoy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

/Tell me what you think
Tell me what you know
Did you really think
That there would be an ever after/

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Malfoy.” Harry said. Draco was surprised. He had expected something at least near anger in Harry’s voice, but instead all he heard was weariness.

“Potter.” Draco responded carefully. After all, there was no need to begin an argument. Maybe they could just both stand here, thinking about their problems in mutual silence. For a moment, that worked. But only for a moment.

“Why are you here, Malfoy?” Harry asked, in a strained tone of voice. Draco sighed.

“Probably the same reason you are, Potter. You know, deciding how I’m going to study for NEWTS next year, the importance of finding a girlfriend. Oh, and that nagging little matter about a certain Dark Lord who seems to want me to pledge a loyalty that I’m not certain I want to give any more.” Draco stopped, a little surprised at himself.

“Really?” Harry was a little surprised, also. He had never thought that Draco Malfoy, /MALFOY/ being the operative name, would ever waver from becoming a Death Eater. Draco narrowed his eyes.

“Possibly. And if you ever tell anyone about that comment, I promise I will help Filch fulfill his lifelong ambition of stringing you up by your toenails in the dungeons.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/Do you think I’m scared
Tell me does it show
When inside this deafness
I can always hear his whispering/

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Possibly. And if you ever tell anyone about that comment, I promise I will help Filch fulfill his lifelong ambition of stringing you up by your toenails in the dungeons.” Malfoy sneers at me as he says this. That sneer used to make me madder than hell, but now it merely annoys me. It makes him look like a nasty little school bully, no better than Dudley Dursley.

“Oh, I’m really scared, Malfoy. Can’t you see me shaking?” I hold out one completely steady hand. “Nope, I guess not. Must be losing your touch.” I am gratified when Malfoy looks irritated at my lack of a suitable reaction. He sighs.

“Can we call a truce for the moment, Potter? My heart just isn’t in the insults tonight.” Now it is my turn, once again, to be surprised. Malfoy, calling a truce? What am I to say to that?

“Alright. . .”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

/There comes a time you decide
What from your life will be real
What scars you will keep alive
What you are willing to heal/

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Alright. . .”

With that, Draco and Harry stood side by side, looking out over the lake, both lost in their own thoughts. Both had decisions to make, decisions that would change their lives forever. And those kinds of decisions are never easy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/But can I gamble this night
With everything that I am
And can I erase my life
Or do I stay here and be damned/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Potter and I stand for many minutes, saying nothing. This is relieving to me. I am surprised, once again, that his presence does not bother me, at least when he is being silent. I suppose that the knowledge that Potter, at least, grapples with thoughts as disturbing as mine is somewhat comforting. What is the saying: Misery loves company? That’s it. The other Slytherins have all chosen sides, following either the Dark Lord or Dumbledore. I am the only one left in the house that has not chosen a side – at least not outwardly. If I were to let on that I had chosen against Voldemort, it wouldn’t be Potter that would have to worry about being strung up by his toenails. I haven’t told anyone, not even Dunlbedore, of my decision yet. I can still change mnd. nd. After all, it is taken for granted that I will follow the Dark Lord. But at this point, I must admit that besides any other reason I can conjure to justify my shift of sides, the real reason is that, like the insults towards Potter, my heart just isn’t in it.

Suddenly, I hear Potter say my name. It isn’t in a malicious way, more like a question.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/Tell my what you think
Tell me what you know
Did you really think
That there would be an ever after/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Suddenly, Harry could not take the silence any more. There was one question that nagged at the corner of his mind, and he just had to ask it.

“Malfoy?” Draco grunted to show that had heard Harry. “May I ask a question?”

“You may ask. I will not promise an answer.” Harry nodded. After six years of enmity, he could accept that.

“Why are you not sure that you can give your loyalty to Voldemort?” Draco bowed his head, arms crossed over his chest, as if in deep thought.

“Because for the first time, I am looking at the world without my father hanging over my shoulder, dictating my every move. I can see things through my on eyes, not his. And honestly, though I am not sure that I /can/ give my loyalty to the Dark Lord, I am still not sure that I /want/ to give my loyalty to Dumbledore, either.

Harry nodded, falling back into his own world of thought. He was startled out of it when Draco spoke again.

“I’ve answered your question, so you answer mine. Why do /you/ fight for Dumbledore?”

Harry copied Draco’s stance of a few moments before, finally looking up and meeting Draco’s eyes.

“I’ve asked myself that question many times. After all, he has been rather manipulative of my life, putting me into situations that he knew would benefit him in the end. Yet I forgive him. Why?” Harry shrugged. “I suppose because when all is said in done, I believe not in him so much as the cause that he fights for. The survival of the wizarding world. The /entire/ wizarding world, not just the pureblooded. And though Dumbledore might be manipulative, he really is the only one with enough power go against Voldemort at this point.”

Draco blinked. “The only one other than you, you mean.”

Harry hung his head. “No. Everyone else might think that. But in truth, right now, not even I could fight him and win.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/Do you think I’m scared
Tell me does it show
When inside this deafness
I can always hear his laughter/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“But in truth, right now, not even I could fight him and win.”

For some reason, the emptiness in Potter’s eyes as he makes this statement scares me. I may not like Potter, but he has always been so sure of himself. That has always been the one constant of our confrontations. Potter would stand up for himself and his friends. And now he is saying he is not strong enough to go against the one person he will not be able to avoid for much longer. I do not know why this disturbs me. All I have to do is join the Dark Lord, and if Potter fails, as he fears, I will be on the winning side.

But the problem is, that it is no longer certain that the Dark Lord will win. Dumbledore’s army gains strength, much more so than I ever thought possible. And it frightens me to think what my fate will be if I choose the Dark Lord’s side, and it looses.

Because Potter’s eyes have changed. They no longer look empty. They hold an anger that would make the Dark Lord himself quail. And with that look in his eyes, I do not believe that Potter will loose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/I don’t know what I’m thinking
Because all that I see
Is his face grinning
Mephistopheles/

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It is difficult to answer Malfoy’s question. Though I do my best, I am still not certain that it is the real reason I fight against Voldemort. I think that deep inside of me, it is the fact that Voldemort killed the three closest people I had to family. Mum, Dad, Sirius. . .At the thought of Sirius, my thoughts start to whirl again, and the image of Voldemort intrudes upon any rational thought I may have had, his face parted in the wide grin that is still familiar to me, even after I have learned to block the nightmares.

I do not think it will ever leave me in peace, until the owner is destroyed. And I know that it must be me that destroys Voldemort, for no one else can do it. And I feel the hatred and the anger that drove me from the Gryffindor common room flare in me once more.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

/I need to find an answer
For this one can not be
Within the words of
Mephistopheles/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t know what to say to Potter at this point. I feel that if I were to touch him, the strength of the anger he feels towards the Dark Lord would burn me. But before I have to say anything, Potter turns those anger-filled eyes on me.

“As long as we’re asking questions, what would you gain fighting for Voldemort that you would lose fighting for Dumbledore. What can he honestly offer you that we couldn’t?”

And as much as I may want to answer that question, I can’t. Because I don’t know the answer. But as I look back at Potter, his eyes lock onto mine, and I know that I had damned well better find and answer. He will not take “I don’t know” for an answer. So I’m forced to think of the one decision I had come outsto ato avoid thinking about.

If I were to become a Death Eater, I would have power, certainly. But then, Voldemort would have power over me. I could build my wealth again. But at the expense of those tortured. Every benefit on Voldemort’s side has a matching drawback.

Dumbledore’s side, though. I would have nearly complete freedom. Once the war is over, if Dumbledore were to win, I would be able to regain my family’s holdings. Maybe I would not be as powerful in Dumbledore’s Army as I would be to Voldemort, but I would be needed.

People would care about me.

I am so confused. Can I really abandon everything I have ever known like this? I am not sure. . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/Don’t need this path before me
Don’t need forgotten glory
Don’t need these threats of violence
Don’t need eternal silence/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t need to be before this crossroads yet. I am only sixteen, I should not have life changing decisions placed before me. I was quite happy to be the son of Lucius Malfoy, celebrated and feared Death Eater. He was the glory seeker, not myself. He was the one who loved the violence that the Dark Lord breeds. And whenever I made a definite stance on the side of the Dark Lord, it was because of my father whispering in my ear. And now he is not here to tell me what to do. But whatever side I choose, it is going to end in violence on both ends. And I might not live through it either way, and I’m not ready for the eternal silence of death, either. . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/Don’t need these midnight visions
Don’t need to make decisions
Don’t need to be uncertain
Don’t need this final curtain/

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I watch Malfoy standing there, struggling with the question I posed. I do not think that I will get an answer. But funnily enough, I don’t expect one. I think all I wanted to achieve was forcing Malfoy to think, and think seriously about this decision before him. I know he doesn’t want to be struggling with this, any more than I want to struggle with the midnight visions that Voldemort continues, unsuccessfully, to send me. And I have to sympathize with Malfoy, as much as I dislike him. None of us need to make these decisions this early in life. We don’t need the uncertainty.

We don’t need the knowledge that our lives might end before they’ve rightly begun.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

/Somewhere out there
He still gazes
As I wander through his mazes/

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I suppose the real re tha that I sympathize with Malfoy is that I know that he had the exact same root problem that I do. The fact the Voldemort is still out there, watching our every move. He is making it difficult for us to maneuver, because we have to dodge between his traps at every turn. Not unlike that maze that we had to defeat fourth year, during the Triwizard Tournament.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

/Death and life here
Truth or lies
Every thought is well disguised/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been quiet for so long that I think Potter has stopped expecting an answer. But that does not mean that I stop thinking about his question. But I still cannot answer it. In both sides, I see good and bad, death and life, lies and truth. And I am glad, now more than ever that I am a Malfoy. It means that I have been well taught to mask my thoughts.

I do not want anyone else to see this confusion that threatens to tear me apart.

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/Now
It is too late
This path to take
Don’t want to lose my life this way/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is past the time where I can be neutral, on neither side. I thought that I had made my choice, but I have to put conviction behind it now. I have to choose. And I know what will sway my decision. I must think ahead. If I am to die, which side do I want to die on? Which side will bring that death more honor.

If I am to die for one side or the other, which will let my soul rest?

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Medusa dreams
The dead still scream
Don’t want to see my life betrayed/

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Malfoy still stands in silence. I can almost see the wheels in his head turning frantically. He is trying to keep his thoughts hidden, and is doing well. But he forgets that I always could read his thoughts fairly easily. I do not know whether I wish him, when his thoughts finally come to fruition, to choose Dumbledore’s side or Voldemort’s. All that I can hope is that, if he ses ses to fight on our side, that he is truly loyal.

I don’t think I could stand having my life betrayed by an ally. There has been enough of that in my family history.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

/All these things are now before me
Endless death or timeless glory
On this night of ghosts returning
To the light of bridges burning/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time slides by as Potter and I stand silent on the shore of the lake, both lost in our own thoughts. I am still torn between choosing light of Dumbledore and running back to the darkness of the Dark Lord. To choose the first would be to betray everything I have been taught since I was a small child. The second would be to honor my father, who still resides in Azkaban. Both sides offer an endless death should they loose, but a timeless glory should they win. I do not know which to choose. I see my father’s face before me in my thoughts, whispering to me that I must follow in his footsteps. That I must avenge his imprisonment. And that ghost of a whisper shakes my resolve. I honestly do not know what I am to do. Once I make any sort of lasting decision, all bridges are burned behind me.

Whatever I choose, I will never be able to turn back from that choice. Ever.

And that, it itself, frightens me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/Now it is too late
This path to take
Don’t want to see my life betrayed/

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The rain was letting up slightly. Neither Harry nor Draco noticed this, lost as they were in their thoughts. Both contemplating the paths set before them. Both not knowing exactly what to do. Both hoping, against hope, that they would make the right choices in the future. Hating each other, but each finding comfort in the knowledge that they were both struggling with problems larger than themselves.

Both hoping that once they parted, the other would not betray that comfort by using this meeting as ammunition in future arguments.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/Tell me what you think
Tell me what you know
Did you really think
That there would be an ever after/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Finally, as the clouds above parted, so did Harry and Draco. With a look and a nod of heads, Harry headed back to the Gryffindor dorms and Draco to the Slytherin dorms. Even though they had actually said very little, they had told each other almost everything. Harry now knew of Draco’s struggles, and Draco kof Hof Harry’s. And both came away from this meeting with a new look at his old nemesis. Draco, hesitant yet determined, knew towards which path he would set his steps. And Draco’s honesty this night had convinced Harry that maybe, just maybe, he could be trusted.

And they both hoped against hope that the choices made in the near future would not set them back into the old mold of enmity. Because in this night, they had both found a potential ally.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


/Do you think I’m scared
Tell me does it show
When inside this deafness
I can always hear his laughter/

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As I climb into my bed, I prepare myself for another night of fighting off Voldemort from my dreams. But tonight, as I drift to sleep, I send /him/ a thought for once.

“I am not afraid of you. You are ing.ing. We will be victorious.”

And though I have no visions this night, I think I can hear Voldemort’s laughter echoing in my dreams.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

/I don’t know what I’m thinking
Because all that I see
Is his face grinning
Mephistopheles/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I drift into sleep, I still can’t sort out my thoughts. I hope that sleep can do that for me. But I soon find that peaceful sleep is out of the question, for behind my closed eyelids, I still see the evil face of the Dark Lord.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/I need to find an answer
For this one can not be
Within the words of
Mephistopheles/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The face in my dreams tells me that I must join him. And, in a way, in my dreams /have sorted out things for me. I tell the image of the Dark Lord that there is nothing I /must/ do simply because he orders it. If I choose his path, it will be of my own volition.

And he laughs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/The cost of patience
When there’s no time before me
Of hesitation
All for this twisted glory/

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In their dreams, both Harry and Draco heard the laughter of the Dark Lord Voldemort. And they knew that this lull in the war would not last much longer. There was no more time to hesitate in their decisions. Harry knew what he was to do, even though he knew it would likely lead to his own death. Draco knew that the path he was on the brink of choosing may very well lead to his death, but it would at least give his name a measure of glory.

However twisted that glory might be.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

/And my salvation
The cost of how it’s gotten
The cost of what’s gained
All forgotten
All forgotten/

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And in the night, as Hogwarts slept, the tide of the war changed with the meeting of two boys. No one would know this immediately. Even Dumbledore, when Draco came to see him the morning with news that gace him much hope indeed for the young man, could not foresee the impact this would have on the war to come. But salvation was closer than it had ever been. The cost of war would still be high, and many would still die. But that cost would eventually be justified in the eyes of the world, and would be shoved to the back of minds to be forgotten.

But neither Draco Malfoy nor Harry Potter would ever forget the night that changed both their lives. For Draco, it was the night that he began to turn away from the path his father had set him on and began to forge his own. For Harry, it was the night that he gainee ofe of the greatest allies he would ever know.

And for both of them, despite the laughter of Voldemort in their dreams, it was the first night since the war began that they could gain any measure of peace.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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~fin~