Forgiveness

Thanks to Jilliane for her continued support of this story and to Drusilla, of Perfect Imagination, for her beta skills.

Forgiveness

Chapter 13

Severus looked at the handful of pills the doctor had prescribed a week ago, the ones he took religiously to ease the symptoms of his distress. He did not like to be dependant on them. Maybe it was the idea of putting chemicals in his body developed by Muggles for Muggle consumption, maybe it was the real fear he had of turning into the chemically-addled bastard his father had been, but Severus detested the actual taking of the medications. He flipped them lightly in his hand. Three little pills; the yellow one for his supposed depression, the small white one to repress his psychotic breaks, and the green one for anxiety; they were all colours in his own toxic little rainbow. Severus grimaced as he noted the hard expression on Joseph Pony's face. The boy looked pointedly at Severus' hand as he slid into the seat across from him at the kitchen table. “You're gonna take those, aren't you?”

Severus dutifully placed the pills on his tongue. The children had been quite alarmed at his last seizure. He truly did want to prevent any more outbursts. He took a swallow of cold coffee, grimacing at the taste, and then opened his mouth to let the boy see he had indeed swallowed. If only Severus had not been caught palming the pills a few days earlier. Joseph Pony nodded, “Sorry, Uncle 'Rus, but you know Antonia wants me to make sure you take 'em.”

The doctor. The most irritating specimen of womanhood yet to grace the planet. He was still stung by her 'scared little man' comment, and had yet to forgive her for comparing him to an animal. She dared judge him; the man who dedicated nearly twenty years of his life to defeating the most evil Dark Wizard to defile the planet since the Emperor Caligula. Well, sod her...

“Uncle 'Rus, I wish you would just talk to her,” Joseph Pony began. “She's tried talking to you over and over. What did she do that was so bad that you won't accept her apology?”

Severus made no reply as he envisioned the apology he might accept for her slights; the woman on her knees before him... No, that image was definitely not the one he was going for. He wanted abject and tearful apologies, not erotica. Well, at least not at the moment... He pictured her in her lab coat with her hands fluttering like birds around her heart, tears in her eyes, the words spilling from her mouth... her lips in the little pout that he so longed to...

“Dammit!” Severus slammed his fist on the table and stalked out of the room.

&*&*&

Severus sat in his heretofore-unknown aunt and uncle's house. His aunt, Philomena Cavanaugh darted kind, but nervous looks in his direction. Tobias had said she was his older sister and they did not get on when they had boarded the ferry to Dublin. Those were the only words he had uttered the entire trip. The rest of the time he spent in quiet contemplation of the uneasy sea with his flask of whiskey. It was just as well; Severus never knew what to say to his father anymore.

Severus appraised his aunt coolly, realising for the first time, the curse of the Snapes that had been passed from his grandparents through his father and aunt and directly to him. Her nose was enormous, hooked and quite a bit like his own. He hated her already. His uncle, an Irishman with the ginger-haired good looks of the breed, was arguing with Tobias about some matter that should have concerned Severus, but did not hold his attention.

The evening before, Eileen Snape had been committed to a Muggle asylum. She had gone raving mad that afternoon while Severus had spent his time with Lily and Tobias had been out looking for work, supposedly. When Severus had returned home, she was clad in only her knickers and aluminium foil in the kitchenette of the hovel in which they lived, stabbing at unseen intruders with a large butcher knife. Blood ran from several deep cuts on her body. Tobias had not decided to act until Severus indicated that he saw no magical creatures. For once in Severus' short life, he had felt sorry for Tobias Snape who had married a witch and was unsure what her norms were.

His father had wept and shook as the authorities took his wife away. Severus found out they were crocodile tears as soon as the man returned to the kitchen to pour himself a drink with a shaking hand. His mother’s crisis had interrupted his scheduled binge apparently.

So, now he sat in a rather stuffy, middle-class Muggle home, surrounded by family about whom he did not know anything and did not care to find out. A boy came into the room, a chubby sandy-haired seven-year-old with an impish smile. Over the hubbub of the adults, he said, “M'name's Ian. What's yours?”

In the surly way of all older children Severus sneered, “I am apparently your cousin. My name is Severus.”

“That’s a Roman name, are you Catholic?” the little boy asked as he climbed into a seat next to his sallow relative.

“No,” Severus intoned in his most acerbic tone, not yet perfected.

“Oh,” was the boy’s puzzled answer. “We are. Da says I’m going to be a priest someday. He’s committed me to God.”

Severus wondered what his father would tell these Muggles about him; that the NHS had committed his mother? He crossed his arms defensively and said with a sneer in his voice, “How nice.”

The aunt ushered the two boys out of the room as Tobias shouted, “If his fuckin' numb cunt of a mother hadn't coddled him, I coulda left him at home alone while I worked. I finally find a job in that fuckin’ waste, and she chooses to go mad… Damned police called Social Services, or I wouldn't even be here, askin' for charity from a mackerel snapper...”

The uncle answered, a soft, deadly sound. Severus could not hear the words, but the tone spoke volumes. The aunt gave him a fluttery kind of smile and sent the two boys off to explore Ian's bedroom. Severus followed the boy, his mind on the conversation downstairs.

An hour later Tobias was gone and Severus was shown to a beige room with tastefully-bland Muggle paintings on the wall. He sat on the bed, feeling the springiness of the mattress, wondering how he could let Lily know where he was.

&*&*&

He was working in his lab later that day, his concentration the best it had been in years. He added the Datura flower, after having donned the latex gloves required by the doctor, hoping he had achieved a stabilising solution for the transformation. The cauldron bubbled as the perfectly-minced substance hit the surface and then turned a gratifying shade of gunmetal silver, the first time it had since the addition of the new ingredient. He set the potion under a stasis charm and stretched, feeling the satisfying tug of the gesture in his back and shoulders. He had been sure the latest calculations, provided by the resident Arithmancer, Regula Zanola, would prove to be spot on. They would be able to test the potion on one of the coyotes during the next full moon, three days after the American Holiday.

Independence Day. Severus repressed the urge to roll his eyes. Of course, he was expected to take part in that particular bit of Americana. His two charges had spoken of nothing else since the damned doctor had mentioned taking them to her family's celebration. Severus had demurred, but at Stella's disappointed frown, had agreed to accompany them to her parents’ house, along with the rest of the staff, and of course, Miss DuPre.

Today was July third. They would be leaving for her parents’ home, in a town called Newalla, this evening. Apparently her father, an Air Force retiree and Muggle, had day-long festivities planned. Just Grand. Not only would he be celebrating the Colonies independence from his native land, but he would also be subjected to some form of arcane patriotic frenzy into which only Americans could work themselves. He just hoped that there would be a great deal of space, so that he might secret himself in some hideaway for the day.

His woolgathering was broken by terrified female screams. Severus reacted before he thought, wand drawn, and sprinted toward the sound of the cries. He registered that the utterances were not Stella's, and not coming from the quarter that housed the two Zanola sisters. Charmaine DuPre was gone for the day, picking out an outfit for the festivities tomorrow, transported by Joseph Pony to the wondrous twenty-four hour Wal-Mart Supercenter in Poteau. That left... the doctor.

He burst through the door of the main building, flying past Brick, who seemed strangely unconcerned. He heard the older man say as he whipped past, “There's nothin' to be worried about, Rus.”

The Potions Master's neck hair raised as another frantic noise came from down the hall. He had only heard that terror in one situation, and that one had involved Death Eaters and a great deal of blood. He dreaded what he would find in the chamber. Severus blasted the door to her office open, only to skid to a halt. The good doctor was standing on her desk, screeching at the top of her lungs and pointing at a small, furry-legged arachnid, no bigger than a wand tip.

Relief and anger swept Severus in cool and hot waves as he scooped the spider up in his palm and placed it outside in the scraggly bushes in front of the window. Once he latched the windows shut, he turned to the hysterical woman and said with a sneer, “My, you really are a frightened little woman, aren't you?”

As he began to exit the room, he heard a small sob escape her. Severus paused in the doorway, torn between sweeping out in his most dramatic fashion or comforting the distraught woman. He heard her say, in a voice weakened by fright, “Can you make sure that was the only one? Please...”

Severus made a show of rolling his eyes as he cast Lumos and proceeded to poke his wand in every crack and cranny of her office. Once done, he cast a mild barrier charm, one that he had developed to protect his potions stores from vermin, across the windows, doorway and any other cracks he had seen in his survey of the office. Then, he assisted the doctor from her desk. In his most disdainful tone he inquired, “Will that be all, Doctor?”

Her hand was still shaking in his as he helped her to her ancient rolling chair. Again, he made to leave and her voice arrested him once more. “I've always hated spiders. They're disgusting. Since we were attacked by the A… Acromantulas... I haven't been able to be in the same room with anything that has eight legs. I know it's stupid, but...”

“Quite understandable,” Severus returned to her, resting uneasily on her desk as he stared at the space above her head. “I feel much the same about enclosed spaces. I spent some time in Azkaban in my youth. It was the worst experience of my life.”

“We have so much in common, Snape. Both of us in Azkaban, both of us devoting our lives to hopeless causes, both of us lo--... uh, you get the picture.” Antonia's rueful words were balm to Severus' bruised ego. She sniffled slightly. “Damn, I never have Kleenex when I need them.”

Severus pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, and with a flourish born of long years of practice, handed it to her. It had taken him some time to get used to the regional oddity of speech. Most of the natives referred to common items by their brand name. All soft drinks were referred to as ‘Coke,’ all tissues as 'Kleenex.' Even Joseph Pony and Stella had remarked on the strangeness of the pattern.

“Thanks.” After she dabbed her eyes, she cleansed the cloth with a wave of he wand and handed it back to him.

Severus inclined his head, a short bow in honour of the momentary truce between them. “Until this evening, Doctor.”

Severus left the room with the flourish of robes he had planned earlier, but without the heavy burden of malice behind it.

&*&*&

Severus spent the first fortnight of his summer holidays at his aunt's house sticking to a strict regimen of study in his room. He only came out for quick forays into the kitchen and to use the loo. He remained aloof to the attentions of the child and the blandishments of his aunt. The only person in the household not to set his teeth on edge was his uncle, who had yet to approach the young wizard.

Severus made himself ready for the odour of the Friday evening meal. It would probably be some sort of fish, if Severus could judge by the last two Fridays. His father had said his sister's family was Catholic and that she had turned her back on the true church. As far as Severus could tell by Tobias' Sunday morning habits, the true church was located in the toilet after a night of worshipping the British equivalent of Bacchus. As with all of the meals before, Severus would wait until the family had eaten and then run to the kitchen later to glean what he could from the fridge.

He had just showered, and was entertaining himself with the different looks he could achieve with wet hair. He ran a comb through his lank hair, letting the mass of black fall into his face. If he squinted at himself just right, he looked a little like Mick Jagger, or maybe Iggy Pop, if either singer was poor, ugly and a wizard. Severus placed the comb back on the dresser, overturning a vase in the process. Water spilled out and Severus frantically searched for something to sop up the mess before it marred the wooden surface. He would never be able to pay for the damage if there was a stain. He had just jerked the case from the pillow when his Uncle Rhuidry knocked on the closed door. “Severus, might I enter?”

Severus sopped up the mess and secured the pillowcase under the counterpane on the bed. He answered, breathless from his exertions as he opened the door, “Yes, sir?”

“Ah, now, we don't need to stand on such formalities, do we, boyo?” The ginger-haired man entered the room, and assumed a seat at the tiny writing desk in the corner that was littered with his schoolwork. Severus stood stiffly, unsure what to expect from this new threat. His uncle regarded him for a few moments, his features relaxed and open. Severus flexed his toes in his shoes, now too small from his growth-spurt at the end of the term. He would not show weakness to this man. Tobias was at his worst when he was relaxed, because his father's mood could change in a flash, and Severus was usually the target of his anger.

“No, sir, I suppose, being family and all, we don't.” Severus sat uneasily on the bed, carefully avoiding the spreading stain of water that was now becoming obvious. The young wizard willed his uncle to look away from it.

“I understand that things must be difficult for you, right now, but I would like you to feel free to join the family when you get your bearings.” The ginger-haired man regarded his fingernails, a thing Severus had seen Lucius do when he was feeling uncomfortable about speaking on a subject, most usually in the older wizard’s case deep emotions. Suddenly, Severus did not see this man as a Muggle interloper he had to endure, but just another human who had difficulties like his own. “Your father explained a little about the different world you come from, and I want you to know, while we don't understand most of it, we welcome you into our family.”

Severus nodded nervously, captivated by the soft accent of his uncle. “Thank you, sir.”

“Come join us for tea, then.” His uncle stood and placed a gentle hand on his nephew's shoulder. “I'll tell Mena to send up some more bedding. Next time you spill something and want to hide it, make sure the thing you overturned is set to rights again.”

Severus gaped as his uncle left the room with a wink at the overturned vase, as he began trilling some song in fluid Gaelic. The young wizard remained seated, letting the feeling sink in of not being punished for something he had done. He might be able to get used to this place after all.

&*&*&

When Severus returned to his cottage, Joseph Pony and Miss DuPre were sitting on the porch steps rather too cozily for his liking. He shot the boy a dour look before entering the house. He heard Stella arguing with Mari in the girl's room. Miss Loco, who had acquired the honorific since she had been decorated with sparkling, lavender nail polish and a pink neckerchief a few days ago, greeted him, tongue lolling. Severus sank to the divan, comfortably tired from the day's toils. Earlier in the day, he had asked the Brownie to pack for the overnight excursion. The family's bags sat next to the door.

He let his head sink against the back of the couch, hoping he would not have to intervene in the fight brewing down the hall. The Brownie was assuming the role of mother with Stella, and Severus was not sure he felt comfortable about the relationship. He had seen the problems wrought in the Malfoy household when the house elf, Dobby, had assumed too much responsibility for a toddler Draco. Lucius had dealt with the problem brutally, the only way he knew at the time. Severus resolved to speak with Mari after the holiday. It would not do for the creature to undermine his tenuous authority with his daughter.

His mind turned to his colleagues as he attempted to relax. The staff had seemed to accept his name change with a lack of surprise that was entirely suspect. Surely, Death Eaters did not find their way to Oklahoma with great regularity. He would investigate the matter later.

He was absently stroking the dog's silky ear when the doctor strode through the door of the chamber. She was dressed in a small scrap of dress made of white gauze for all it covered, and brought with her the fresh, dry scent of the outdoors. Severus stood masking his tenuously maintained irritation with a perfunctory bow.

“Doctor, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I'm sorry to barge in. Joseph Pony said it was okay.”

Severus gestured for her to take a seat, his movement fluid and controlled. The doctor sat, arranging the scraps she wore in a becoming, if somewhat revealing, way. Severus looked away from her as he assumed his seat across from her. He suppressed the throb of desire he felt at her appearance; one’s co-worker, especially those who had the ability to sack you, were off-limits to consider shagging. She slumped in the chair, a defeated sound to her tone. “So, we're back to you calling me Doctor all the time.”

Severus levelled a deadly glare at her as he tried to focus his attention on her face rather than the expanse of skin she displayed. She moved restlessly and heaved a sigh which broke his iron control, damn the woman. Her sound quickened his pulse. She drew a breath, as if in preparation to make a pronouncement. She let it go, a casualty of their conversation. She stood abruptly and Severus was treated to an expanse of shoulder as the dress sleeve slipped. Severus felt his breath catch as she moved her hair out of the way to pull up the wayward scrap. He felt himself utter her name, a soft groan that slid to his nerve endings, like the first burst of accidental magic.

She spun to him; her eyes alight with a strange fire that he could not identify. For countless moments, they stared at each other, as if unable to break the bond that had formed tenuously that afternoon over the capture and release of a tiny arachnid. Finally, she said with a steady voice and quivering lips, “I just thought I'd let you know, we'll eat at my parent's house tonight so we'll be leaving by Floo soon. They're looking forward to meeting you and the kids.”

She fled, leaving Severus stunned by the moment.

&*&*&

Severus' best memory of the summer holiday spent in Ireland was of sitting on a stool watching his Aunt Mena prepare little cakes for afternoon tea. She spoke softly of his father, making Severus uncomfortable with the parallels of his father's childhood and his own. His Grandfather Snape had been as brutal to his father as Tobias was to Severus. His Aunt Mena told him about the various ways his father had been failed by his family. Severus wondered aloud how she had escaped the fate that his mother had accepted.

He flinched as he realised he had voiced the question. At Spinner's End, the thought alone would have been enough to cause his father to backhand him across the room. Mena simply answered, “I was lucky enough to receive a scholarship to a boarding school. I got away from it all, but poor Toby was left to deal with father and... All that was left for him to do was survive. By the time I returned, it was too late.”

His aunt turned back to the cakes, her shoulders slumped in a kind of defeat with which Severus was very familiar. He moved restively, wishing he were better with people so that he could comfort this mild woman. He was sure Tobias had been a lost cause well before she left for the school. Severus was not so sure about his own worth at the moment. Lily was what kept him from slipping to the darker aspects of his personality. If only he could speak to his friend right now. She would be able to sort out the strange, protective anger he felt toward his father and to a lesser extent, his mother.

Aunt Mena rubbed her lower back, a thing she did to ease the pain of rapidly growing old the way Muggles did, Severus decided. “You know, I think we need to have a day out tomorrow, just you and me. Now, go set the table, the cakes are done and your uncle will be home with Ian soon.”

Severus went to the sideboard to get the cutlery but stopped as his aunt suggested, “Rhuidry's going fishing on Saturday. You should go with him. I'm sure he'd love to show off his skills.”

Severus snickered softly. His uncle certainly could brag, like all Irishmen and anglers. Maybe tale-telling was worse because he was both. He supposed he would have to go, just to verify if the stories of the one that got away were true.

Aunt Mena hugged him, a quick, shy gesture, and Severus returned it in the same manner, and resumed his quest for the cutlery.

&*&*&

They all assembled in the Main Office to Floo out and somehow, Severus found himself close to Antonia in the crush. Stella held Miss Loco and went through the blaze of green, right after her cousin and Miss DuPre. The two Zanola sisters and Johnson went next. Brick would be joining the group the next day after he cared for the coyotes in the morning. Antonia grabbed a pinch of the powder from the container but Severus stayed her movement with a soft touch to her wrist. He felt nearly desperate to make a connection with the tiny virago before him. He uttered the words without forethought, an action he usually avoided. “I am unaccustomed to sustaining relationships with people. I can count on one hand how may friends I have had my entire life. I would be honoured if I might count you as one.”

“Even if I say the wrong things, sometimes?” Antonia's voice was pitched so low that Severus had to lean in to hear her.

He let his nose take in her scent, a slight floral with a hint of cinnamon. He leaned further into her, letting her dark, red hair brush his cheek. “Especially so.”

She took his hand and uttered with a husky rasp, “To Momma and Daddy's.”

Severus entered the Floo, feeling dizzied by the pull of her hand in his.

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