Strength in What Remains Behind

Severus

I walked down the length of the classroom, as if it were merely routine. I could feel the eyes of the class on me. I wanted to turn and scream at them to go back to work, but I knew that would only make me look guilty. I had only meant to offer comfort to the girl, but something happened. I felt... I wanted...

I could not allow myself to finish those sentences.

I reached my desk and sank gratefully into my seat. I sat through the rest of the class in silence. To distract myself, I mentally listed the properties and uses of each ingredient in the potion I had assigned, as whenever I allowed my attention to wander, it inevitably found its way back to her, and I had resolved not to think about it until class had concluded and I was alone. There was safety in being alone.

At the end of class, I merely examined the color of each potion, taking care not to look at the students handing in their flasks. I was not expecting anyone to hand in a successful potion, as I had deliberately assigned something too difficult for their abilities in order to catch the girl giving tips to Potter so I could land them both in detention. It made it rather easy to grade without bothering to see who had turned in what, until a flask of hunter green liquid, the correct shade for this particular potion, was set before me. Surprised, I looked up to meet the eyes of the very student I had hoped to avoid. Her brown eyes were cold, almost steely with resolve. I said mildly, "I see you managed a successful creation despite your earlier difficulties. I take it my instruction was useful?" I allowed my face to betray no hint of emotion. The girl glared at me for a few moments, as if waiting for something more from me, then gave up and whipped around and out of the classroom.

Once she was gone, I slumped in my seat and buried my face in my hands. What had I done? Something about seeing her so crushed made me want to repay her for the gesture on the night of the ball, but I had crossed the line. I should never have touched her so intimately, especially not in front of the class like that. Though to be fair, I had not expected to enjoy it so much. Touching her bare skin was thrilling. I had to face facts. I found this girl attractive. I couldn't tell if it was because she reminded me of myself in some ways, or because she was genuinely pretty(though in an unconventional way), or if it was her intelligence and strength, the very qualities that she had demonstrated today by rising above whatever emotional turmoil she was going through to hand in a successful potion that I had assigned to the class in order for them to fail.

It didn't really matter why, I conceded, after mulling it over for some time. There could never be anything between us. Even if I wasn't more than twice her age, the old man would never approve of a relationship between a student and a member of the faculty. I didn't think he even approved of romantic relationships between faculty members alone. Furthermore, I had seen no sign of the attraction that had sparked this whole series of events since that night in the dungeon. I was fairly certain that she was actually interested in Potter, and he had rejected her. I could only imagine that was why she was by herself today, and why I had found her crying alone in the hallway that evening. The only other person I had found in the hallway was Potter. It made sense.

I felt better having confronted the issue, though it did leave me off my game for the rest of the day. I wasn't myself. I think the students noticed and were worried, as if my silence was merely the calm before the storm and in the coming weeks there would be hell to pay. At least my reputation wouldn't suffer.

Before going to bed, I came to a resolution that helped ease my mind. I would make it into a game. I would try to tease her affections back in my direction. It would help her, too, because then she'd be over Potter. Furthermore, it would be safe. She was too respectful to cross the teacher/student barrier, and I... well, if I were honest with myself, I'd be more inclined to take what I wanted, but I could exercise self-restraint when necessary, and it was certainly necessary here. The old man would never keep me on if word got out that I was seeking the attentions of a student, and I knew that no one else would hire me. I would not become a charity case for the sake of a pretty face or a quick mind; I don't care who it belonged to. I waved away the haunting memory of green eyes. I had no time for that now.

It was only as I was drifting off to sleep that I realized that I had completely forgotten to assign Potter detention. Damn that distracting witch!