Undesirable - COMPLETE
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Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male › Harry/Draco
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Adult ++
Chapters:
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Category:
Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male › Harry/Draco
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
31
Views:
43,511
Reviews:
301
Recommended:
1
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
A Shared Understanding
Chapter Number/Total: 14/31
Chapter Title: A Shared Understanding
Words: 3743 Words
They fell into a new routine over the next few weeks. Draco held Harry while they slept, and both of them seemed to do better for it. The only time Draco managed to be alone was the occasional shower. And it was there that he wanked. It wasn't right to think about Potter when he did, but he couldn't help it. He needed the release, especially if he had to control himself around the other man.
Now they were seated at the table having lunch. Draco set the Daily Prophet aside and cocked his head. "Your birthday is only two days away," he said.
Harry had noticed the date on the paper and he nodded, setting his sandwich down. "I remember," he replied softly, reaching for his glass of water.
"What do you want to do to celebrate?" Draco asked.
Harry blinked at him over the glass, swallowing and setting it down again. "I don't know ....” Only there actually was one thing that he wanted to try.
"No ideas?" Draco asked, looking up at him. He had hoped that Harry would start formulating things he wanted. It was a critical step if he was to rebuild his life.
Harry looked down at the table, reaching to fidget with the end of his shirt. "There's one thing," he whispered.
"What?" Draco asked, sipping his tea. He hoped Harry wanted to see some of his friends.
"You ... can make it feel good," Harry said, tensing up slightly as he waited for a reaction.
"Make what?" Draco asked. He tried to keep his expression neutral when he realised he might have an idea of the direction this was going.
"Sex," Harry clarified quietly, biting his lip once again. "I mean, it doesn't even have to be that, just ... I want to ... feel good." He was having a hard time explaining himself, but he hoped Draco understood.
"Because what they did hurt," Draco whispered, his body tense. He had told Harry that sex could be great, but the other man had no reason to believe him. Maybe Draco should have seen this request coming, but he hadn't.
"Yeah," Harry closed his eyes in pain for a moment, but then opened them again quickly, to keep himself there in the present. "And I know it's supposed to feel good, I just don't ... know," Harry mumbled.
Draco looked up, meeting his eyes. "Did it never feel good?" he asked.
"Sometimes," Harry admitted, looking away. "But I didn't like it because it wasn't supposed to feel good."
"You would want to do ... something ... with me?" Draco asked, curious about that. He knew Harry had thought to use sex to thank him, to placate him the way he had his captors. He wasn't convinced that Harry actually desired Draco himself and that this wasn't another aspect of the conditioning to please others.
"I trust you," Harry explained softly, slowly looking back over at Draco. "You haven't hurt me." He had found himself thinking a lot about this. The pleasure he felt when Draco held him stirred something in Harry and he wanted to know if more would feel even better.
"Wouldn't you want to wait for someone you cared about?" Draco asked.
Harry had come to realise that even if he did get better, he wasn't sure if he could really go out and try to find someone else. "No."
"Harry, there are lots of people who would want you," the blond said gently. "You don't owe me anything. I am supposed to help you, not take advantage of you."
"I don't want anyone else," Harry said, sighing. He knew Draco wouldn't like the idea, even if it was his birthday. "You won't be taking advantage. I said it doesn't have to be sex, I just want to feel good for once."
"What ... what then?" Draco asked, heart speeding up. It was good that Harry was talking, but this was a dangerous idea and completely against the rules.
Harry wasn't sure of what anything was really called, but he knew Draco did. "You know," he muttered, glancing up at him.
Draco thought about it. Most people would consider it wrong if he did this. But maybe Potter was right, maybe he did need someone to show him he could feel pleasure. "Touching your body, that's sex still, isn't it?" Draco asked him.
Harry shrugged, looking over at his sandwich. He really wasn't sure what normal people did for sex anyway. "I don't know," he admitted.
"If I did," Draco said, pausing, "and they found out, they would take me off your case." He didn't add that he could also be arrested if someone really wanted to push it. Harry was still technically a ward of the Ministry.
"I won't tell," Harry said, looking at him again. Harry was good at not talking, Draco should've known that by now. But did that mean Draco would do it? Hope flared in him and he almost didn't know what to do with it.
Draco couldn't figure out if he was thinking about this because he wanted to help Harry, or if it was because he was so drawn to the other man. This is why it was against the rules. He didn't know the answer. "I will ... consider it," he said.
Harry wasn't sure if that was really Draco saying that he'd think about it, or if it was his nice way of saying no. Either way, Harry nodded and reached to pick up his sandwich and finish it. He was used to not getting what he wanted.
"Do you want to see any of your friends for your birthday?" Draco asked, trying to coax Harry into another step toward coming out of his isolation.
"I still haven't seen Hermione," Harry said softly, wondering how his other best mate was doing.
"Do you want her or any of the others to come over? You could have them visit for dinner or something?" Draco suggested.
Harry shrugged slightly, pushing away his empty plate. "I won't be a very good host," he said.
"I don't think that would matter to your friends," Draco said.
"I guess ....” Harry glanced at Draco, running a hand through his hair. "I feel ... like I'm just … disappointing them."
"You don't think they will be happy to see you are getting better?" Draco asked.
"But I'm not like I was," Harry replied simply.
"Harry," Draco said quietly. "You are probably never going to be exactly as you were before. Even if the bad things that happened to you hadn't, you still would have changed. Look how much I have changed." He was aware his argument was weakened by what he had gone through as well, but it was a valid point regardless.
"Never would've thought you'd end up being a Healer," Harry said, thinking that what Draco said made some sense.
"No, I don't think anyone would have," Draco said, shaking his head.
"I wanted to be an Auror," Harry said quietly, pulling his knees up so he could rest his chin on them.
"I became a Healer because I wanted to do something to make up for ... for the things I did," Draco admitted.
"Do you feel better about it?" Harry asked, sliding his arms around his legs and tightening them. He wanted to make up for what he had done, but didn't think he ever could.
Draco got up from the table and held his hand out to Harry. "Let's go to the other room and talk," he said.
Harry took it easily and pulled himself up, walking with Draco to the next room. "Talk about what?"
Draco led him to the sitting room and sat down on the sofa. "You and I have never talked about what happened back then," he said.
Harry wasn't sure of what he was talking about, assuming that "back then" meant what had happened once he was captured. He shook his head quickly, still not wanting to talk about that.
"You've never asked what happened after I left Hogwarts at the end of sixth year," Draco pointed out.
"Oh." Harry tilted his head to the side and pulled his knees up like he usually did, nodding for Draco to go on.
"Do you know why I left?" Draco asked.
"Yes," Harry said, remembering the night that Dumbledore was killed.
"You know what I did?" Draco asked, eyes widening in surprise.
"I was there," Harry said, closing his eyes and remembering. "Under my Cloak."
"Where?" Draco asked suspiciously, heart speeding up with his own memories of that night.
"The tower." Harry nodded, slowly remembering every detail. The way he couldn't move under the Cloak, the change in Draco's attitude. How Harry could tell that Draco really didn't want to do it, but he had to.
Draco went still. He hadn't known. But he remembered now that he had suspected something when he had seen the second broom. "So you know I let them in," he said in a whisper.
"I know," Harry said, opening his eyes. It didn't change anything between them. Harry still trusted him. He saw Draco change that night, and he knew that he was changed now.
"That I nearly killed Katie Bell and Ron Weasley, that I let Fenrir in and he nearly killed Bill Weasley?" Draco reminded him. His own stomach clenched with remembered shame. At first it had been shame at not being able to kill Dumbledore, but later it had turned to horrified regret at the damage he had done, and that it might have been even worse.
Harry nodded a few times, looking Draco in the eyes. "Did you have a choice?"
"Dumbledore tried to give me a choice," Draco answered, voice holding a bitter edge even now. "I didn't take it."
"And then Snape killed Dumbledore," Harry said, beginning to slowly rock. "I remember. I couldn't do anything but watch."
"Severus had taken an Unbreakable Vow to protect me, and to do it for me if I couldn't," Draco said. "So he did and then he got me away. He took me to France, where he had a Fidelius Charmed safe-house. I spent the war in hiding there."
"When did you come back?" Harry asked, trying to figure out the timing.
"Only a few months ago," Draco said. "I spent the war in hiding. When you ... destroyed the Dark Lord, I was able to come out of hiding, but I stayed in France to finish my education."
"Ah," Harry sighed. "And then you came here." He knew he would still be locked in St Mungo's if Draco hadn't come. He wasn't well, but he was much happier here than in there. Some days he even felt like he might be okay again.
"I am British," Draco said. "I wanted to come home. I still had access to our international accounts while in France, so I hired a solicitor to get my name cleared. There was a trial, but because I was underage and threatened into my crimes, I was able to clear it up with fines instead of prison time."
"I'm glad you came back," Harry said, letting some of his feelings about that show in his face.
"So, can you tell me what I don't know then?" Draco asked. "What happened to you?" It was the most talking Harry had done yet about the past and Draco didn't want to waste the chance it might give Harry.
"Seventh year wasn't really seventh year," Harry began quietly. "I can only remember trying to figure out how to get to Voldemort, how to kill him and be done with this entire war. I started going on small missions ... and ....” Harry paused then, trying to remember more of exactly how he was captured, but it was foggy and he didn't want to talk about that anyway.
"And you were captured?" Draco asked, trying to get Harry past his block.
Harry nodded, looking down and letting his hair cover his face. "Yeah ....”
Draco reached out, fingers gently moving Harry's hair back so he could see him. "Can you tell me about it?"
Harry bit his lip and shook his head. "Don't want to talk about it," he murmured, not looking at Draco.
"I know," Draco said quietly, fingers still caressing Harry's hair, petting him now.
"Hurts to think about it," Harry whispered softly, fighting the urge to begin rocking again.
Draco cupped Harry's face with his hand now and placed his other hand on his chest. "It's hurting you all the time," he whispered. "I want to help ease that."
Harry slowly looked up at him, the hurt apparent in his eyes. "You want me to talk about what they did."
Draco nodded. "You have to face what happened to you to move past it," he said. His hand felt warm against Harry's chest and he could feel his own heart speed up.
Harry wanted to talk about it, just to make Draco happy, but at the same time he was scared ... so scared. He trembled. "I can't."
"Sometime you will, and I will listen," Draco said soothingly. "It will be safe to tell me. I won't judge you. I understand what they were like." He tried to suppress a shudder at his own memories, of being taken before Voldemort, of his aunt and his father and the things they had done to him, made him do.
"Do you really?" Harry asked quietly, looking slightly surprised.
"My aunt and my father were Death Eaters," Draco reminded him, swallowing hard and trying to keep his breathing even.
Harry cringed and looked down, remembering everything that the older Malfoy had done to him.
Draco saw the look and couldn't stop the shiver in his own body. "He was there, wasn't he?" he asked.
Harry swallowed and nodded, not sure of how Draco would take that piece of information. How could he tell Draco that his own father had tortured and raped him? Thinking about it hurt enough; saying it might hurt Draco, too.
It had always been a possibility. Lucius had gotten out of prison and was beside the Dark Lord until he died. Only Severus had known where Draco was, so he had been spared being called to his father's side. "I ... I know what he was like," he admitted, face flushed then.
Harry blinked up at him, wondering exactly what he meant by his admission. Was he also a victim or did he just see his father? "How?"
It was Draco's turn to feel pressed, and he looked away. Normally, you didn't share what had happened to you with patients. Another rule. But it was also a rule that he had had to do his own therapy as part of his training. He had faced it and he had survived. It didn't mean that it was easy to talk about still. Draco trembled, the hand on Harry's face slipping away. "Yes, probably as bad as you are thinking," he admitted, face colouring.
Harry reached for Draco's hand as it slipped down, holding it tightly in his own. It was strange, having someone who knew how it felt to be ... hurt like he had been. He didn't know what to say. Somehow it made more sense knowing, though.
Draco shivered at his own memories. He still didn't look at Harry's face for a minute while he fought to control himself. "My aunt and my father, they both tried to make me like themselves and ... punished me when I failed. So, I know what they were capable of," he said. "And I know they could even make you do things you would be ashamed of."
This changed things, it definitely did. "So ashamed that you ... want to die," Harry whispered.
"Yes," Draco whispered back, eyes closing. "But I wanted to live more. So I did whatever they told me to do."
"Yeah, because you had to or it would only get worse, and worse," Harry said, sniffling and closing his eyes as well. "And they never stop ... no matter what."
"They liked humiliation as much as the sex and the pain," Draco agreed, turning to face Harry now.
Harry nodded, squeezing Draco's hand tightly. His eyes were still closed, and he was beginning to shake, the memories getting to him.
Draco's hand on Harry's heart slid up his chest to cup the back of his head and he leaned forward until his forehead was pressed to Harry's. He still held the the man's hand with the other. "Yes, they hurt you, they hurt us both," he said.
Harry opened his eyes and pulled back enough to look into Draco's gaze, his lips trembling as he spoke, "You understand, you really do," he said in wonder.
"Yes," Draco agreed. It was part of why he had taken the case. He knew without Harry having to tell him what some of the things were that they would have done. And he felt his own share of guilt that his own father had done it. He didn't know how Harry could stand to look at him. It would have made more sense to Draco if Harry had tried to kill him on sight.
Harry swallowed against the lump in his throat and reached out, wrapping his arms around Draco and pulling him into a hug. Why hadn't he told him sooner? Harry felt that now they had a strange kind of connection, and it would be easier, or at least possible, to tell Draco what had happened.
Draco gasped in surprise as Harry held him and he allowed himself to follow his feelings, one hand at the back of Harry's head and the other freed now to move around his waist. The contact seemed to ease some of the pain he felt.
Harry slowly let his legs unfold, keeping his arms around Draco. Their faces were close, so close that if Harry moved any closer their noses would nudge and, upon further inspection, their lips would be touching. "I'm glad you're the one who's helping me, Draco," he whispered, his breath mingling with the blond's.
"Well, you didn't give me a lot of choice," Draco teased. "You hadn't bloody well spoken to anyone in a year." He pulled back enough to smile, looking into Harry's eyes. Draco’s thoughts and feelings right then were anything but professional, and his heart was beating so fast he felt dizzy.
"No one else asked me nicely," Harry replied, attempting his own little joke. It was only half true, a lot of the Healers there did ask him nicely about what happened, but when he wouldn't talk about it, some of them became frustrated and that's when he was given another Healer. It had been continuously like that.
Draco's fingers played with the hair at the nape of Harry's neck and he licked his lips unconsciously. "I was never nice to you, even that day," he said, "but you spoke to me anyway."
"You weren't," Harry said softly, remembering the first day that Draco walked into his room at St Mungo's. He remembered feeling a mixture of fear, anger, and confusion, which had all prompted his whimpers and growls. "I don't know why I did."
"I thought you would ignore me or attack me, like you did in school," Draco said. "But you always surprise me." His face was still so close to Harry's that he could feel the man's breath on his lips, almost taste him. It sent a shiver down his spine to pool as heat lower in his body.
"The same with you," Harry sighed, feeling himself relax as Draco continued to play with the hair at the back of his neck.
Part of his brain told Draco to screw the rules. He was Slytherin, after all, and this was Harry. Harry was wrapped around him. Harry, who had asked, practically begged him, to show him pleasure. "Harry," he whispered against his lips, and then gently allowed his mouth to caress the other man's.
Harry wasn't sure of what was happening at first, blinking a few times. He slowly realised that Draco was kissing him, that his lips were moving against his own. Harry didn't pull away, finding that he enjoyed the feeling. It was much different from the violent kisses he had been subjected to before.
Draco gently caressed Harry's lips with his own, using them to softly massage the other man's, even as his fingers still cradled the back of the dark-haired man's head. Harry hesitated another moment but then he began to respond, slowly moving his own lips against Draco's. After a long minute of small caresses with his lips, Draco allowed the tip of his tongue to slide between them, licking softly at Harry's lips.
Harry breathed in sharply, but let his lips part for him, wanting to know what Draco would do next. He felt this tingle of anticipation that was different from the usual fear of being touched.
Draco's tongue traced the inside of Harry's lips, his body shivering in pleasure as he did.
Harry thought it felt weird, but in an entirely pleasant way. He moved his own tongue to touch Draco's, gasping at the pleasure that stirred through him.
Draco relaxed, just enjoying the tender kisses, tongue sliding with Harry's, their breath mingling and his hand in the man's hair. Even though it aroused him, it also felt peaceful.
Harry slowly pulled away from the kiss, breathing a little harder. His throat felt dry and he swallowed, leaning to shyly press his lips against Draco's one more time.
Draco smiled, just sitting and holding him. "You okay?" he whispered.
"Yeah," Harry answered softly, slowly looking into his eyes. "You kissed me."
"Yes, I did," Draco answered, licking his lips. "I am not supposed to do that either, but I liked it. Did you?"
Harry nodded quickly, his cheeks colouring. "I liked it a lot," he said, glad that Draco broke whatever rules there were.
"So we never do anything you don't like," Draco said. "That's our rule. Understand?" Was he really doing this?
"I understand," Harry said, reaching up to touch his own lips. They were warm and they felt like they were still tingling pleasantly. "Will there be more kisses?"
"I would like that," Draco said, realising he had come to a decision. "As many kisses as you want. More than kissing when you are ready, if that is what you still want."
"Just kisses for now," Harry said, his lips curling up in a small smile.
Chapter Title: A Shared Understanding
Words: 3743 Words
They fell into a new routine over the next few weeks. Draco held Harry while they slept, and both of them seemed to do better for it. The only time Draco managed to be alone was the occasional shower. And it was there that he wanked. It wasn't right to think about Potter when he did, but he couldn't help it. He needed the release, especially if he had to control himself around the other man.
Now they were seated at the table having lunch. Draco set the Daily Prophet aside and cocked his head. "Your birthday is only two days away," he said.
Harry had noticed the date on the paper and he nodded, setting his sandwich down. "I remember," he replied softly, reaching for his glass of water.
"What do you want to do to celebrate?" Draco asked.
Harry blinked at him over the glass, swallowing and setting it down again. "I don't know ....” Only there actually was one thing that he wanted to try.
"No ideas?" Draco asked, looking up at him. He had hoped that Harry would start formulating things he wanted. It was a critical step if he was to rebuild his life.
Harry looked down at the table, reaching to fidget with the end of his shirt. "There's one thing," he whispered.
"What?" Draco asked, sipping his tea. He hoped Harry wanted to see some of his friends.
"You ... can make it feel good," Harry said, tensing up slightly as he waited for a reaction.
"Make what?" Draco asked. He tried to keep his expression neutral when he realised he might have an idea of the direction this was going.
"Sex," Harry clarified quietly, biting his lip once again. "I mean, it doesn't even have to be that, just ... I want to ... feel good." He was having a hard time explaining himself, but he hoped Draco understood.
"Because what they did hurt," Draco whispered, his body tense. He had told Harry that sex could be great, but the other man had no reason to believe him. Maybe Draco should have seen this request coming, but he hadn't.
"Yeah," Harry closed his eyes in pain for a moment, but then opened them again quickly, to keep himself there in the present. "And I know it's supposed to feel good, I just don't ... know," Harry mumbled.
Draco looked up, meeting his eyes. "Did it never feel good?" he asked.
"Sometimes," Harry admitted, looking away. "But I didn't like it because it wasn't supposed to feel good."
"You would want to do ... something ... with me?" Draco asked, curious about that. He knew Harry had thought to use sex to thank him, to placate him the way he had his captors. He wasn't convinced that Harry actually desired Draco himself and that this wasn't another aspect of the conditioning to please others.
"I trust you," Harry explained softly, slowly looking back over at Draco. "You haven't hurt me." He had found himself thinking a lot about this. The pleasure he felt when Draco held him stirred something in Harry and he wanted to know if more would feel even better.
"Wouldn't you want to wait for someone you cared about?" Draco asked.
Harry had come to realise that even if he did get better, he wasn't sure if he could really go out and try to find someone else. "No."
"Harry, there are lots of people who would want you," the blond said gently. "You don't owe me anything. I am supposed to help you, not take advantage of you."
"I don't want anyone else," Harry said, sighing. He knew Draco wouldn't like the idea, even if it was his birthday. "You won't be taking advantage. I said it doesn't have to be sex, I just want to feel good for once."
"What ... what then?" Draco asked, heart speeding up. It was good that Harry was talking, but this was a dangerous idea and completely against the rules.
Harry wasn't sure of what anything was really called, but he knew Draco did. "You know," he muttered, glancing up at him.
Draco thought about it. Most people would consider it wrong if he did this. But maybe Potter was right, maybe he did need someone to show him he could feel pleasure. "Touching your body, that's sex still, isn't it?" Draco asked him.
Harry shrugged, looking over at his sandwich. He really wasn't sure what normal people did for sex anyway. "I don't know," he admitted.
"If I did," Draco said, pausing, "and they found out, they would take me off your case." He didn't add that he could also be arrested if someone really wanted to push it. Harry was still technically a ward of the Ministry.
"I won't tell," Harry said, looking at him again. Harry was good at not talking, Draco should've known that by now. But did that mean Draco would do it? Hope flared in him and he almost didn't know what to do with it.
Draco couldn't figure out if he was thinking about this because he wanted to help Harry, or if it was because he was so drawn to the other man. This is why it was against the rules. He didn't know the answer. "I will ... consider it," he said.
Harry wasn't sure if that was really Draco saying that he'd think about it, or if it was his nice way of saying no. Either way, Harry nodded and reached to pick up his sandwich and finish it. He was used to not getting what he wanted.
"Do you want to see any of your friends for your birthday?" Draco asked, trying to coax Harry into another step toward coming out of his isolation.
"I still haven't seen Hermione," Harry said softly, wondering how his other best mate was doing.
"Do you want her or any of the others to come over? You could have them visit for dinner or something?" Draco suggested.
Harry shrugged slightly, pushing away his empty plate. "I won't be a very good host," he said.
"I don't think that would matter to your friends," Draco said.
"I guess ....” Harry glanced at Draco, running a hand through his hair. "I feel ... like I'm just … disappointing them."
"You don't think they will be happy to see you are getting better?" Draco asked.
"But I'm not like I was," Harry replied simply.
"Harry," Draco said quietly. "You are probably never going to be exactly as you were before. Even if the bad things that happened to you hadn't, you still would have changed. Look how much I have changed." He was aware his argument was weakened by what he had gone through as well, but it was a valid point regardless.
"Never would've thought you'd end up being a Healer," Harry said, thinking that what Draco said made some sense.
"No, I don't think anyone would have," Draco said, shaking his head.
"I wanted to be an Auror," Harry said quietly, pulling his knees up so he could rest his chin on them.
"I became a Healer because I wanted to do something to make up for ... for the things I did," Draco admitted.
"Do you feel better about it?" Harry asked, sliding his arms around his legs and tightening them. He wanted to make up for what he had done, but didn't think he ever could.
Draco got up from the table and held his hand out to Harry. "Let's go to the other room and talk," he said.
Harry took it easily and pulled himself up, walking with Draco to the next room. "Talk about what?"
Draco led him to the sitting room and sat down on the sofa. "You and I have never talked about what happened back then," he said.
Harry wasn't sure of what he was talking about, assuming that "back then" meant what had happened once he was captured. He shook his head quickly, still not wanting to talk about that.
"You've never asked what happened after I left Hogwarts at the end of sixth year," Draco pointed out.
"Oh." Harry tilted his head to the side and pulled his knees up like he usually did, nodding for Draco to go on.
"Do you know why I left?" Draco asked.
"Yes," Harry said, remembering the night that Dumbledore was killed.
"You know what I did?" Draco asked, eyes widening in surprise.
"I was there," Harry said, closing his eyes and remembering. "Under my Cloak."
"Where?" Draco asked suspiciously, heart speeding up with his own memories of that night.
"The tower." Harry nodded, slowly remembering every detail. The way he couldn't move under the Cloak, the change in Draco's attitude. How Harry could tell that Draco really didn't want to do it, but he had to.
Draco went still. He hadn't known. But he remembered now that he had suspected something when he had seen the second broom. "So you know I let them in," he said in a whisper.
"I know," Harry said, opening his eyes. It didn't change anything between them. Harry still trusted him. He saw Draco change that night, and he knew that he was changed now.
"That I nearly killed Katie Bell and Ron Weasley, that I let Fenrir in and he nearly killed Bill Weasley?" Draco reminded him. His own stomach clenched with remembered shame. At first it had been shame at not being able to kill Dumbledore, but later it had turned to horrified regret at the damage he had done, and that it might have been even worse.
Harry nodded a few times, looking Draco in the eyes. "Did you have a choice?"
"Dumbledore tried to give me a choice," Draco answered, voice holding a bitter edge even now. "I didn't take it."
"And then Snape killed Dumbledore," Harry said, beginning to slowly rock. "I remember. I couldn't do anything but watch."
"Severus had taken an Unbreakable Vow to protect me, and to do it for me if I couldn't," Draco said. "So he did and then he got me away. He took me to France, where he had a Fidelius Charmed safe-house. I spent the war in hiding there."
"When did you come back?" Harry asked, trying to figure out the timing.
"Only a few months ago," Draco said. "I spent the war in hiding. When you ... destroyed the Dark Lord, I was able to come out of hiding, but I stayed in France to finish my education."
"Ah," Harry sighed. "And then you came here." He knew he would still be locked in St Mungo's if Draco hadn't come. He wasn't well, but he was much happier here than in there. Some days he even felt like he might be okay again.
"I am British," Draco said. "I wanted to come home. I still had access to our international accounts while in France, so I hired a solicitor to get my name cleared. There was a trial, but because I was underage and threatened into my crimes, I was able to clear it up with fines instead of prison time."
"I'm glad you came back," Harry said, letting some of his feelings about that show in his face.
"So, can you tell me what I don't know then?" Draco asked. "What happened to you?" It was the most talking Harry had done yet about the past and Draco didn't want to waste the chance it might give Harry.
"Seventh year wasn't really seventh year," Harry began quietly. "I can only remember trying to figure out how to get to Voldemort, how to kill him and be done with this entire war. I started going on small missions ... and ....” Harry paused then, trying to remember more of exactly how he was captured, but it was foggy and he didn't want to talk about that anyway.
"And you were captured?" Draco asked, trying to get Harry past his block.
Harry nodded, looking down and letting his hair cover his face. "Yeah ....”
Draco reached out, fingers gently moving Harry's hair back so he could see him. "Can you tell me about it?"
Harry bit his lip and shook his head. "Don't want to talk about it," he murmured, not looking at Draco.
"I know," Draco said quietly, fingers still caressing Harry's hair, petting him now.
"Hurts to think about it," Harry whispered softly, fighting the urge to begin rocking again.
Draco cupped Harry's face with his hand now and placed his other hand on his chest. "It's hurting you all the time," he whispered. "I want to help ease that."
Harry slowly looked up at him, the hurt apparent in his eyes. "You want me to talk about what they did."
Draco nodded. "You have to face what happened to you to move past it," he said. His hand felt warm against Harry's chest and he could feel his own heart speed up.
Harry wanted to talk about it, just to make Draco happy, but at the same time he was scared ... so scared. He trembled. "I can't."
"Sometime you will, and I will listen," Draco said soothingly. "It will be safe to tell me. I won't judge you. I understand what they were like." He tried to suppress a shudder at his own memories, of being taken before Voldemort, of his aunt and his father and the things they had done to him, made him do.
"Do you really?" Harry asked quietly, looking slightly surprised.
"My aunt and my father were Death Eaters," Draco reminded him, swallowing hard and trying to keep his breathing even.
Harry cringed and looked down, remembering everything that the older Malfoy had done to him.
Draco saw the look and couldn't stop the shiver in his own body. "He was there, wasn't he?" he asked.
Harry swallowed and nodded, not sure of how Draco would take that piece of information. How could he tell Draco that his own father had tortured and raped him? Thinking about it hurt enough; saying it might hurt Draco, too.
It had always been a possibility. Lucius had gotten out of prison and was beside the Dark Lord until he died. Only Severus had known where Draco was, so he had been spared being called to his father's side. "I ... I know what he was like," he admitted, face flushed then.
Harry blinked up at him, wondering exactly what he meant by his admission. Was he also a victim or did he just see his father? "How?"
It was Draco's turn to feel pressed, and he looked away. Normally, you didn't share what had happened to you with patients. Another rule. But it was also a rule that he had had to do his own therapy as part of his training. He had faced it and he had survived. It didn't mean that it was easy to talk about still. Draco trembled, the hand on Harry's face slipping away. "Yes, probably as bad as you are thinking," he admitted, face colouring.
Harry reached for Draco's hand as it slipped down, holding it tightly in his own. It was strange, having someone who knew how it felt to be ... hurt like he had been. He didn't know what to say. Somehow it made more sense knowing, though.
Draco shivered at his own memories. He still didn't look at Harry's face for a minute while he fought to control himself. "My aunt and my father, they both tried to make me like themselves and ... punished me when I failed. So, I know what they were capable of," he said. "And I know they could even make you do things you would be ashamed of."
This changed things, it definitely did. "So ashamed that you ... want to die," Harry whispered.
"Yes," Draco whispered back, eyes closing. "But I wanted to live more. So I did whatever they told me to do."
"Yeah, because you had to or it would only get worse, and worse," Harry said, sniffling and closing his eyes as well. "And they never stop ... no matter what."
"They liked humiliation as much as the sex and the pain," Draco agreed, turning to face Harry now.
Harry nodded, squeezing Draco's hand tightly. His eyes were still closed, and he was beginning to shake, the memories getting to him.
Draco's hand on Harry's heart slid up his chest to cup the back of his head and he leaned forward until his forehead was pressed to Harry's. He still held the the man's hand with the other. "Yes, they hurt you, they hurt us both," he said.
Harry opened his eyes and pulled back enough to look into Draco's gaze, his lips trembling as he spoke, "You understand, you really do," he said in wonder.
"Yes," Draco agreed. It was part of why he had taken the case. He knew without Harry having to tell him what some of the things were that they would have done. And he felt his own share of guilt that his own father had done it. He didn't know how Harry could stand to look at him. It would have made more sense to Draco if Harry had tried to kill him on sight.
Harry swallowed against the lump in his throat and reached out, wrapping his arms around Draco and pulling him into a hug. Why hadn't he told him sooner? Harry felt that now they had a strange kind of connection, and it would be easier, or at least possible, to tell Draco what had happened.
Draco gasped in surprise as Harry held him and he allowed himself to follow his feelings, one hand at the back of Harry's head and the other freed now to move around his waist. The contact seemed to ease some of the pain he felt.
Harry slowly let his legs unfold, keeping his arms around Draco. Their faces were close, so close that if Harry moved any closer their noses would nudge and, upon further inspection, their lips would be touching. "I'm glad you're the one who's helping me, Draco," he whispered, his breath mingling with the blond's.
"Well, you didn't give me a lot of choice," Draco teased. "You hadn't bloody well spoken to anyone in a year." He pulled back enough to smile, looking into Harry's eyes. Draco’s thoughts and feelings right then were anything but professional, and his heart was beating so fast he felt dizzy.
"No one else asked me nicely," Harry replied, attempting his own little joke. It was only half true, a lot of the Healers there did ask him nicely about what happened, but when he wouldn't talk about it, some of them became frustrated and that's when he was given another Healer. It had been continuously like that.
Draco's fingers played with the hair at the nape of Harry's neck and he licked his lips unconsciously. "I was never nice to you, even that day," he said, "but you spoke to me anyway."
"You weren't," Harry said softly, remembering the first day that Draco walked into his room at St Mungo's. He remembered feeling a mixture of fear, anger, and confusion, which had all prompted his whimpers and growls. "I don't know why I did."
"I thought you would ignore me or attack me, like you did in school," Draco said. "But you always surprise me." His face was still so close to Harry's that he could feel the man's breath on his lips, almost taste him. It sent a shiver down his spine to pool as heat lower in his body.
"The same with you," Harry sighed, feeling himself relax as Draco continued to play with the hair at the back of his neck.
Part of his brain told Draco to screw the rules. He was Slytherin, after all, and this was Harry. Harry was wrapped around him. Harry, who had asked, practically begged him, to show him pleasure. "Harry," he whispered against his lips, and then gently allowed his mouth to caress the other man's.
Harry wasn't sure of what was happening at first, blinking a few times. He slowly realised that Draco was kissing him, that his lips were moving against his own. Harry didn't pull away, finding that he enjoyed the feeling. It was much different from the violent kisses he had been subjected to before.
Draco gently caressed Harry's lips with his own, using them to softly massage the other man's, even as his fingers still cradled the back of the dark-haired man's head. Harry hesitated another moment but then he began to respond, slowly moving his own lips against Draco's. After a long minute of small caresses with his lips, Draco allowed the tip of his tongue to slide between them, licking softly at Harry's lips.
Harry breathed in sharply, but let his lips part for him, wanting to know what Draco would do next. He felt this tingle of anticipation that was different from the usual fear of being touched.
Draco's tongue traced the inside of Harry's lips, his body shivering in pleasure as he did.
Harry thought it felt weird, but in an entirely pleasant way. He moved his own tongue to touch Draco's, gasping at the pleasure that stirred through him.
Draco relaxed, just enjoying the tender kisses, tongue sliding with Harry's, their breath mingling and his hand in the man's hair. Even though it aroused him, it also felt peaceful.
Harry slowly pulled away from the kiss, breathing a little harder. His throat felt dry and he swallowed, leaning to shyly press his lips against Draco's one more time.
Draco smiled, just sitting and holding him. "You okay?" he whispered.
"Yeah," Harry answered softly, slowly looking into his eyes. "You kissed me."
"Yes, I did," Draco answered, licking his lips. "I am not supposed to do that either, but I liked it. Did you?"
Harry nodded quickly, his cheeks colouring. "I liked it a lot," he said, glad that Draco broke whatever rules there were.
"So we never do anything you don't like," Draco said. "That's our rule. Understand?" Was he really doing this?
"I understand," Harry said, reaching up to touch his own lips. They were warm and they felt like they were still tingling pleasantly. "Will there be more kisses?"
"I would like that," Draco said, realising he had come to a decision. "As many kisses as you want. More than kissing when you are ready, if that is what you still want."
"Just kisses for now," Harry said, his lips curling up in a small smile.