All That You Leave Behind

Hi guys, Angst has decided that as I have the "Master Copy" of ATYLB I get to post. Cheers for that one, A!



Thank you to our lovely reviewers, you are making us happy people! We are trying to move the story along, but the nature of this story (referred to as "The Epic" amongst A and I) is that it is LONG! So, you want quicker updates (leading to Snarry goodness)? You know what to do! Q



Chapter 13



The next few weeks went by fairly quickly and although they didn\'t talk about their argument, they were on better terms. Harry had taken to helping Snape get up and out of bed for a few minutes everyday, helping the man regain some strength in his wobbly limbs. The older man seemed determined to get up and be mobile again as quickly as possible, which saddened Harry somewhat - was his company so poor?



Each evening, after having given Snape his potion, Harry steeled himself up to ask the ill man about Lily. He ached to know more about his mother, but somehow, every evening, he let himself be distracted by the other\'s sarcastic comments about what was happening in the world (the Daily Prophet was now reaching them through a complicated procedure orchestrated by the absent Hermione).



Harry told himself each night that he would ask on the following evening, but, even though some nights he managed to open his mouth, he never quite managed to ask.



***



“You’re not ready for this,” Harry argued for the tenth time as Snape wobbled dangerously whilst pulling a plain pair of black trousers on.



“I’m … doing this … idiot boy!” He responded, still a little breathless, although the past month had seen him improve beyond all recognition.



Harry rolled his eyes and stood near the other, subtlely offering his strength should it be required. Snape, gasping, straightened up.



“Besides, I promised…”



Harry stopped himself from responding. He and Severus had come to an unspoken agreement about their crying fit – it just wasn’t mentioned. Harry did want to bring it up, to somehow bring up his mother, to find out more about her, but now was definitely not the right time. Severus had, without Harry’s knowledge, written to Professor McGonagall (no doubt causing the witch some surprise!) and had asked to be allowed to speak to Albus’ portrait. He had directed her to speak to the picture herself for clarification about Snape’s role in the war and in Dumbledore’s death.



She had, after some delay, responded, and had invited him to visit. She had requested that he remain hidden as she was still finding things difficult, term having just begun, and she was unsure how the wizarding world would react. This, of course, suited Severus down to the ground, he had no wish to be paraded as some sort of hero, and, as he had smugly told Harry when the other had reprimanded him for his letter, “See? The world doesn’t want to know I was a hero.” He had explained that he had asked McGonagall to keep the information about his survival to herself, and she had readily, almost eagerly, agreed.



Severus had made it clear that whilst he would allow Harry to accompany him he would not allow the other to witness his discussion with Dumbledore.



Harry had agreed, realising that he might be able to grab a few minutes alone with Ginny.



***



"Ahh, Severus, how delightful to see you again. And how are you feeling my dear chap?" Albus began before adding at Snape\'s glower, "You wanted to see me, my boy?"



"You manipulating, meddlesome, damned old fool!" Severus spat, "you promised me! Promised me, Albus, you would not interfere! And yet here I am. Living another day. And another, and ANOTHER!!! With your precious Golden Boy dogging my every bloody step!!!"



"You have been given a great chance, Severus," Albus said severely, his portrait looking over his glasses and frowning in annoyance, "And I had very little to do with your rescue. It was Miss Granger who undertook it, and, really, Severus, you yourself chose to come back, no matter how much you blame Miss Granger. Further," he went on smoothly as the younger man looked like interrupting, "Mr Potter clearly feels he has some obligation towards you, it would be churlish to refuse."



"Churlish?!," Severus sputtered, "Why you......churlish be damned, Albus! And you and Granger and Potter along with it! He may be the Boy Who Lived, but I was The Man Who Wished To DIE!! That was my choice, Albus! Death! To finally be free from you and your machinations, AND your bloody Gryffindors! The only obligation that boy has to me is to Leave. Me. Alone!"



Albus said nothing, just surveyed Snape over his half-moon spectacles, as if waiting for the other to realise something blindingly obvious.



"Do NOT look at me like that!" Severus growled, glaring at the smug countenance of the former Headmaster. "And don\'t you DARE \'Severus, my boy\' me!! You saddled me with that brat in my former life, you will NOT do so in this one!"



"\'Saddled\'?" Albus\' voice was mild, but his expression serious. "I hardly think, my dear boy, that being able to spend time with Lily\'s son would be such an intolerable situation."



Severus was livid with rage, temporarily speechless. And then he exploded. "You...you bastard!" he screeched, "You smug, insensitive bastard! I have tolerated more from you than any man should have to tolerate from anyone in one lifetime let alone two, but I will not tolerate this! Who the hell do you think you are, Albus? God?? What gives you the right to continually throw my greatest mistake, my greatest regret, my greatest pain in my face to try and manipulate me into doing what you think best?!? You, Albus, are not the be all and end all, and you cannot control me any longer! Do not dare to mention Lily’s name to me again, in this or any other lifetime! Do you understand me, Albus!!?!"



Dumbledore was silent for a moment at the end of this tirade. His blue eyes blinked rather rapidly for a moment or two before he opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Absurdly, Severus felt a surge of triumph, he had finally won! The old fool was finally speechless.



At last Albus did speak, quietly, "Very well, Severus. I shall not mention her name again. However, have you not perhaps considered that there is a reason for Harry\'s insistence upon staying? Perhaps something he would like to discover. Something only you can tell him. Something about his mother." Albus rubbed between his eyebrows before sighing, "Oh, dear boy, I know how hurt you were by what happened, not just between her and James, but what happened when Harry was a child. Perhaps you feel you have earned the right to live as you wish, and perhaps you are right, but Harry has a right to know where he came from. He has a right to know about his mother from the person who knew her best." Dumbledore\'s eyes bored into Snape\'s. "Please Severus, consider what that would mean, to you both."



"Untold pain for me, I assume?" Severus said acidly, "After all, isn\'t that my lot in life? You seem to think that I owe him something, do you? Well, I don\'t! That is where I beg to differ with you, Old Man! I should think that DYING for him would have been enough!"



Albus seemed to be getting milder and milder as Snape got more and more irate. "My boy," he said, "I\'m not asking you to die for him, I\'m asking you to make Lily live for him. All his life he has been told how much he resembles his father. His only link to his mother is his eyes - as far as he knows. We both know he is as much Lily\'s son as he is James\'. Help him see that."



"I told you not to speak her name to me again! EVER again! " Severus snarled, "I cannot and WILL not torture myself any further for the sake of that boy! I have given up everything, everything, Albus, including my life once for that boy and I WILL not do it again! I\'ve paid my debt! Done my penance for her death! Spent a whole lifetime of misery already for what I have done, I will not spend another resuscitating my pain! Not for you, not for him, not for anybody!! Let me, and her rest in peace, you old fool!"



"And Harry?" Albus asked, incredibly gently, "Will you allow him to rest in peace?" His eyes softened, "She was a truly amazing person, Severus, as you know, and Harry deserves to learn about her. I wish there were some other way, but you can give him what no one else can - his mother. You can give him the most precious gift in the world - a family." Pleading now, the other seemed to lean forward, "Severus, I understand your wish for solitude, truly I do, but Harry doesn\'t deserve to be left alone in the world, alone without Lil-" he stopped when he saw Snape about to start speaking again, "without his parents, and without any knowledge of the people they were. He should get to know his mother, Severus. She should be the one telling him about her past, but that cannot happen. They can never get to know each other, but at least Harry can know her. Please, Severus. Consider it. Not for Harry, not for me, not even for her, but for yourself. Remember her with happiness, not guilt. It is time you forgave yourself."



"Stop it, Albus!," Severus howled, wounded, "....just STOP it! You don\'t know what you\'re asking! You have no idea...of what it costs to...." he trailed off, closing his eyes and shuddering, "....I can never forgive myself. Ever. Every time I look into those emerald eyes....all I\'ve done is there...all it cost us both.....those eyes....she is gone, and I am reminded of my part in that every time I look into that boy\'s eyes and see her there. I cannot bear another lifetime of that, Albus, do not ask this of me, I beg of you," the man pleaded desperately.



Albus felt almost guilty. He had one last card to play. "My dear, dear, boy," he began, almost apologetically, "you, yourself began this. You gave Harry memories of his mother. You, yourself, have made him curious about her. Severus, you gave him your most precious memories, because you thought it was all, finally, over. But it isn\'t. You can give him all those other memories you have of her. You can finish what you started. You can learn, perhaps, to see her through his eyes, and then, perhaps, you will be able to bear those eyes."



His face a terrible mask of conflict, Severus ground out in a painful near whisper, "You....ruthless...old bastard! You have no right.....no right to use the most precious thing in my life against me! In the name of her son! Is nothing sacred to you, Old Man?!"



Albus said nothing more. He knew Severus, better than the other man would ever realise. There would come a time when he would want to share Lily with her son, would need it as much as Harry did. Therefore he did not speak, he had no need. He merely looked at Severus, blue eyes piercing into the black eyes, knowing he would not need to use his legilimency skills to read this man’s heart. Severus had loved Lily for as long as Albus had known him. She had driven everything he had done since her death. Dumbledore sighed. He only hoped that Lily would drive Severus to do what desperately needed to be done – forgive himself.



Severus shuddered again, feeling the pain as raw as ever slice through him, and then forced himself to look up at the man who had once been his salvation, to whom he\'d owed his very life. The man who had taken him in, believed him and trusted him. The man he had looked upon as a father figure. He could be a cruel taskmaster, but Severus had been so grateful. He had done what he had been asked; allowed the man to manipulate him and use him, aware it was so, yet allowing it all the same. And all in the name of the son of the woman he\'d loved, the boy whose orphaning was on his head. Because Albus was the only person besides Lily he had ever felt love and acceptance from.



He would do as he asked, he knew that now, and he could tell by the infernal twinkle in the other man\'s eyes, he knew it too.



Albus smiled.



Severus scowled.



As always.



"Thank you, Severus. My boy," Albus said softly.



Severus drew himself up, his scowl deepening, one brow cocked. "I hate you, Old Man," he growled, turned and strode out, but Albus had heard the underlying note of affection and chuckled after him. Severus stomped down the staircase with as much dignity as his still weak legs could manage, and came across the brat who was his cross to bear waiting in the lower corridor.



"Sir...Severus?" Harry asked, wondering what had gone on up there.



Severus strode past him without looking at him and growled over his shoulder, "Come along, Potter. We\'re going home."