Up the Duff

:::::::::::::::::::::::


It was the middle of the night at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and everything was quiet.

Hermione Granger rolled over in her bed and mumbled, “Poodle.” under her breath before snuggling her pillow with a soft sigh. Ron Weasley snorted and turned over to continue snoring in his bed. All of Gryffindor, and indeed, the whole castle was sleeping peacefully.

In their private room, Draco Malfoy-Potter smiled in his sleep as his vampire husband once again somehow managed to climb the hill of blankets he had placed between them to nuzzle at his neck. Harry Potter-Malfoy threw one arm possessively around his loves swollen tummy and pulled Draco closer; not minding the fact that his spouse was wearing his full dress robes in an attempt to avoid any skin contact.

Little did either of them know that skin contact was the least of Draco’s worries on the eve of the day he
would begin his sixth month of pregnancy. For now, both slept serenely; happily ensconced in each others arms.

Indeed, out of the whole castle there was only one small spot that might not have been called either peaceful nor serene, and that was Severus Snape’s potions classroom where the ghost of Tom Riddle and Lucius Malfoy spent their nights.

It wasn’t that it wasn’t quiet, mind you. It just wasn’t peaceful.

Lucius sat in one corner of the room and stared off into space with a sorrowful expression on his face, just brooding as he had done since that fateful day, oh it seemed like years ago,(two days) when he had learned the awful, horrible truth of his lady wife’s hidden depths of perversion; and discovered that he could have had everything he’d ever wanted in bed if he had just asked for it.

It was so incredibly unfair! Lucius had been raised in a strict, indeed almost puritanical environment. To him your wife was the woman you showed off at parties. The mother of your children. The one you loved and respected while you were out rutting around with lesser women. She wasn’t the one you tried to pound through the mattress while your best friend licked your balls!

But she could have been. “Narcissa…” Lucius moaned pitifully.

And Severus! Why hadn’t he ever thought to ask?

Because you were afraid, a small voice in his head taunted. The same reason you did everything while you were alive. Fear. You were so afraid to lose what you had that you never even tried.

Lucius rocked back and forth in misery. “Both.” He sobbed.

On the other side of the room Tom Riddle shook his head in disgust. It wasn’t that he had no sympathy at all for Malfoy. It was just that he had heard that word 197,523,673 times in the last two days. Tom was counting. So far he had banged his head on every wall in Hogwart’s counting. Every desk. Every chair and table.

Tom sighed. He really couldn’t stand any more of Lucius feeling sorry for himself.

“Malfoy!” It came out both louder and angrier than Tom had intended, and Lucius jerked in surprise at suddenly being yelled at in the otherwise deafening quiet of the room.

“What?” He scowled darkly back at his former lord.

Tom Riddle decided to be diplomatic. Lucius had had quite a shock after all. He could be diplomatic right? Well… He hadn’t had a lot of practice. “Get over yourself, you ridiculous prat.” He said diplomatically.

Lucius had never been much for diplomacy himself. “Fuck off Riddle.” He frowned and turned his back.

So much for that, Riddle thought disdainfully. “Its all your fault anyway.” He heard Lucius mumble under his breath.

Tom Riddle’s eyes went wide. I know he didn’t! “Excuse me Malfoy,” Tom said with counterfeit politeness. “did I just hear you say it was all my fault?”

Lucius stood and turned back to face him with an ugly look on his face. “You heard me Riddle.” He spit out. “Narcissa said it herself. I was her best friend, and a good husband until you decided to make your little reappearance. It is all your fault!”

“My fault?” Tom sputtered. “It was my fault you were an idiot who never talked to his wife about anything more important than a menu?” He snickered. “Oh I suppose its also my fault that you were a racist bigot and Severus is a half-blood too hmmmm?”

Lucius glared bullets at Tom. Hatred twisted his aristocratic features into a gruesome mask.

“I noticed that when you showed me your memories that you left out that little part about you and Severus down on the floor Malfoy.” Tom cocked his head to the side. “What’s the matter? Were you ashamed of taking it up the arse…. or were you just ashamed that it was a half-blood drilling you into the floor like a filthy whore?” Tom felt like he might actually be getting the hang of this diplomacy shit.

“It was none of your business!” Lucius growled threateningly.

“I’ve got news for you Malfoy.” Riddle leaned in until they were practically nose to nose. “Even if I had never come back you would still have been a pureblooded snot too asinine to admit he had fallen in love with a half-blood, and you can hardly blame the first half of your failed marriage on me because.. O’ I don’t know.. I was DEAD!”

“Asinine?!” Lucius screeched. He had no idea what it meant, but the word had ass in it and he sensed he’d just been insulted. “Ill tell you what’s asinine Riddle.” He decided he might as well take a stab at it. “A fully grown “Dark Lord” that cant take care of a two year old!”

Tom Riddle’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Careful Malfoy.”

“What’s the matter Tom?” Lucius taunted with a patented Malfoy smirk as he actually hit the mark. “Did I hit a nerve?” He said nastily. “Poor baby.”

“Malfoy.” Riddle hissed warningly.

“Should I call for Mummy?” Lucius parodied a baby sucking his thumb.

“Shut up!” Tom snapped. He had just about had enough of Malfoy.

“Somebody need their blankie?”

“How DARE you bring my Blankie into this?” An outraged Tom Riddle reached over and grabbed a plastic glove from Severus Snape’s work table and slapped Lucius Malfoy square across the mouth with it.

Lucius recovered from the sensation of a latex glove whizzing past his incorporeal face rather quickly. “I should have said something years ago!” The huffy blond snarled. “You looked a right git planning Death Eater raids wearing a child’s blanket around your shoulders!”

“It was a shawl!” Riddle hollered.

“It had a bloody lamb on it!” Lucius bellowed back.

“I don’t suppose a spoiled brat like you would understand Malfoy.” Tom Riddle had both hands on his hips and a toe tapping furiously. “That blanket was all my mother left for me at the orphanage.”

“Oh sweet Merlin.” Lucius buried his head in his hands. “I’m so sorry Tom.”

“Really?” Riddle asked in genuine surprise.

“No!” Lucius spat. “Id just say anything to keep you from telling that “poor orphan” story again! I think if I had to listen to it one more time id find a way to exorcize myself! ”

“Strange.” Riddle jeered. “I was thinking the same thing earlier, but it had to do with listening to you whinge like a little bitch about not getting to pork your best friend with your wife while you were alive!”

“You made an ugly snake.” Lucius said spitefully.

“Blonds are stupid.” Riddle crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly.

“Baldie!”

“Blondie!”

“At least I had hair.” Lucius sniffed.

“I had hair!” Riddle was all lathered up now. “Just not on my head!”

“Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww !!!” Lucius’s mouth hung open, then he wrinkled up his nose. “I so didn’t need to know that Tom.”

They just stood and gaped at each other for a few moments. Lucius felt his lips start to twitch in amusement. The next thing he knew they were both howling with laughter, leaning one on the other for support.

They laughed and they laughed, until finally they just collapsed into a puddle on the floor.

“Well.” Tom Riddle said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Now that we’ve cleared the air a bit do you think we might actually be able figure out why we’re here and who brought us?”

“I think….” Lucius started, but halted as their attention was mutually drawn to Severus Snape’s blackboard and the scritch… scritch.. scritch… of a word being written out there.

Both of them stared in silence as the true meaning of that one word sank in.

“I guess that’s one question answered.” Tom said soberly.

Lucius nodded in agreement.

Written there on the blackboard in capital letters was the one word neither one of them would have ever expected to see.

REDEMPTION.