Understanding

Sorry for the delay. I'm afraid they may be very slow coming until the end. The muse, she is the biggest bitch of all. So are the people at Best Buy who won't let me buy a new computer, but anyways...
It has come to my attention that Severus may be considered OOC in this one, but he has been through serious trauma and is also hopped up on pain meds, so he may not be in complete possession of his faculties. If you don't like it, don't read it. Enough said.


Again, there is no Sev POV this chapter

Understanding

Chapter Fourteen:
Give Unto Me

****I've been watching you from a distance
The distance sees through your disguise
All I want from you is your hurting
I want to heal you
I want to save you from the dark
Why should I care if they hurt you?
Somehow it matters more to me
Than if I were hurting myself
Save you
I'll save you
Fear not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be the sun in your world of darkness
Give unto me all that frightens you
I'll have your nightmares for you
If you sleep soundly
Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison
Fear not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be the sun in your world of darkness
Give unto me all that frightens you
I'll have your nightmares for you
If you sleep soundly****

"Hermione?"

His voice was raw and rusty, the sleep was still visible in his eyes, and his incurably messy hair once again hung limply in his face, but the pained smile he gave me made all his inequities fall away in my vision. I scooted closer to him and cupped his face, placing a tiny kiss on his lips as if I was afraid I'd hurt him. Moving away to look into his eyes, I was quite sure he was the most beautiful sight I'd ever see. But even as I gazed upon him, I felt the tears form in my eyes.

After reading his letters to me, after knowing all that he'd been through since that morning in April, my heart was full of so much pain for him. I knew that his latest hurts had to be only the tip of the iceberg, but I was completely overcome just by what I'd read. I had no idea how he could endure so much pain or how a man who seemed to feel absolutely nothing felt so much pain and loss in his life and still took things so personally. I realized now that he knew what the students said about him and that it must have hurt him every day of his career. I realized that every day of his teng cng career would have been some watered down version of his life at Hogwarts with the Marauders. Everyday must have been hell on earth for him, every day a repeat of the pain he'd encountered in his days as a student.

I understood now.

He'd probably never intended to become so hateful or rude to students. He’d probably had never wanted to be hated or feared. But, truth be told, he was an imposing figure and his naturally limp hair and sallow complexion were not the things most girls dreamed of. So I could completely understand why students in his early teaching years would have begun stupid little snickers and unfortunate nicknames. God knows, every teenager gossiped and called others names. And as harmless as those early barbs might have been, I understood how a man who had been as unpopular as Severus would have been affected so thoroughly. I understood how little by little his bad mood had added to the students' whispers and jokes, and how they in turn, had added to his awful temper. By the time he had me in class, he had fully developed the hated teacher persona and had adapted to it. Besides the obvious need to make his distaste for Harry evident, he was simply used to hating students by the first time I encountered him. By that time, it was much easier for him to ignore the hurtful things the students said and did if he simply ignored the students altogether.

Seeing the tears in my eyes, Severus moved closer to me and brushed the side of my face, though the grimace on his face indicated that it caused him much pain to move his arm to do so.

"Hermione?" His voice was shaky now, questioning. I leaned my head into his hand affectionately as the tears began to course down my face. I snuggled up to him, burying my face in his chest and wishing we could simply fall asleep, give me some extra time to think about what I needed to do- even if I had to dream the answer. "Oh, Hermione," he breathed as he wrapped his cut-up arm around me and pulled me close. I felt his chin come to rest on my head and his injured arm began rubbing my back in stiff little circles. "I'm sorry."

His apology made me cry harder for about a split second, but with a quickness that surprised even me, I hiccupped a laugh instead. Giggling heartily, I moved away from him and looked into his confused eyes. Those beautiful black eyes that had once reminded me of a viper ready to strike now reminded me of a sweet little stray puppy begging me to take him home. I chortled again; still unaware of what had caused the outburst, fully enjoying it nonetheless. But Severus, it seemed, felt I was laughing at him, and I could physically see him start to build the walls around him again.

"Don't be sorry, Severus," I murmured while gently running my hand along his chest. "I'm just so happy you're alright. I'm so glad you're alive." He seemed to take my statement at face value (even though it wabaldbald-faced lie- I had no idea why I had begun laughing), and smiled at me once again. He moved to put his arm around me again, but I stopped him.

"Wait! You've got to take these potions." I jumped out of bed, glad I had not forgotten them. Minerva had handed me the two vials as she left, though I still have no idea where she got them or how she knew to give them to him.

"What are they?" Severus asked nervously. Apparently the fact that I had aced my NEWTs without even finishing his class didn't impress him.

"This one," I said while shoving the vial into his hand, "is a coagulatory agent used in treating victims of vampirism. It was the only thing we could find to help stem the bleeding. It is supposed to also help the blood cells reproduce so-"

"Yes, I know the potion. I invented it." Well, then. So much for niceties.

"And this one is for the pain. I'm sure you're familiar with it." I hadn't meant to sound as icy as it had, but at least it had the desired effect. Severus downed both potions and handed me the empty vials. After a few moments looking questioningly at me, Severus spoke.

"Are you...Um... Will you come back to bed?" My heart melted. Weakened state or not, I was quickly becoming attached to the softer side of Severus Snape. I smiled shyly at him and once again slid under the covers next to him. The pain in his arm dampened by the potion, he pulled me close to him and kissed me deeply. I was completely taken aback. I wondered how a man who had been so full of fear at being rejected only hours before had the nerve to kiss me so freely and openly.

In the magical world, along with the Muggle, it seemed that pain medication was a glorious thing.

Breaking the kiss, he gazed into my eyes for several seconds before speaking and suddenly turning his eyes down, away from me.

"I heard what you said, Hermione. I... I want you to know that no one has said those words to me in two decades. And I want you to know how much it means to me. And I want you to know that I... I love you too." I saw his eyes sparkle slightly with unshed tears, but he would neither shed them or (nor) look my way. I opened my mouth to reply, but he was already continuing, confessing his feelings straight to the mattress. "I've never been in love before, Hermione. I never thought I could. I did so many bad things in my youth and was punished for them, and I've been being punished every day since I turned sides. The last people I ever loved were my family, but they're dead. Murdered by Death Eaters. I wanted so much to tell you when your parents were killed, but I knew you wouldn't care-"

"Of course I would have!" I interrupted unthinkingly. As pokepoke, he had rolled to his back, staring at the black hangings on his bed while tears finally rolled unchecked down his face. I had taken the opportunity to cuddle next to him and place my head on his chest, being rewarded by his hand absentmindedly twisting in my hair as he told his story. But as I had interjected, I had snapped my head up and looked into his eyes accusingly. "Of course I would have cared, Severus! It's never right for anyone to be hurt or killed. I would have taken comfort in some form of camaraderie with you- even as morbid as it may sound." I have no idea where the outburst had come from, and I was immediately abashed. Severus was the one who needed attention now, not me. I laid my head back down as I calmed down, embarrassed by my sudden tantrum. Severus only began stroking my hair again and continued.

"I didn't think you needed to hear it. Better? But the last time anyone told me she loved me was the day before my parents and little sister were murdered. Despite my exterior, and the fact that I was a practicing Death Eater, my li sis sister was my w. Sh. She was born when I was eight, and she was honestly the only friend I ever had. She never knew I was a Death Eater, and I was utterly unwilling to tell her or my parents. I was twenty years old, completely ambitious, and willing to do anything to rise in the Dark Lord’s ranks. One day, I was leaving the manor for a revel, telling my family I was meeting a girl, and she ran up to me and wrapped hrms rms around me. She kissed my cheek and told me she l me. me. It was the last time until tonight I even heard those words. That night, I did a job for the Dark Lord particularly well and he wished to reward me. However, as my prize, he offered me a girl. Twelve years old. The same age as my sister, screaming and fighting for her life. He wanted me to take her, and he... he wanted to watch. But I couldn't. I mean, I *could* have, but I wouldn't do it. The Dark Lord raged at me; I was tortured for days on end and the girl was gang raped before being killed. I wished I could have died instead of her. Every day since I've wished that. Finally, I hated myself for all that I had dand and was bound by the mark to continue to do. I could never leave Voldemort, not fully at least, and I decided as I lay on the floor, writhing in agony, to go to Dumbledore and join the Order. As soon as the tremors from the Cruciatus stopped, I went to my family home. I needed to confess. I needed to apologize. But my home was no longer there."

Severus' voice caught, and his chest shook from the sobs he was finally letting himself release. I held him as tightly as I c, pl, placing tiny kisses anywhere my lips could reach. I wanted to take all of this from him. I wanted his burden to be lifted. Twenty years was an awfully long time to repress emotions- I should know, I'd been doing it all my life. Not to the extent he had, obviously, but I knew what it was to repress and deny emotions. At that moment, the only thing I wanted was to make him not hurt anymore. I wanted him to be happy- truly happy for once in his life. At least for once since his family's death.

"The house was burned down, and my family was all dead. My mother. My father. My baby sister. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to apologize. I was told that the Death Eaters were my family now, and they would have left my family alone if I hadn't been so ungrateful. If I had raped the girl. I had tried, for once, to be noble- to do the right thing, and everyone involved ended up hurt. The girl got raped anyway and finally killed. I was tortured mercilessly, and my family all died. No matter what I did, I ended up hurting everyone I ever cared about. Every day I hated myself more and more until Dumbledore allowed me to spy for him. Then, working in this capacity I was able to push my hatred away and settle for a deep dissatisfaction with myself." He was sobbing now, loudly and without any reservation.

Must check ingredients in pain potion. Seems toghtlghtly, okay- dramatically- reduce inhibitions. May be profitable if one has dark intentions...

Severus held me tightly, and I could feel my hair dampen as his tears fell over my head. He was so distraught he started coughing and gasping for air. I took it as a warning sign and sat up, hoping he would follow my lead. He did, pulling himself up slowly and again wrapping his arms around me and burying his head against myuldeulder. It was all I could do to whisper stupid little things like "It's okay," and "I know." It seemed funny to me that I could say "I know" and really mean it, but it was just one more way I felt connected to him, and I took a little joy from the fact. Perverse joy, to be sure, but joy nonetheless. He sobbed on and on for what seemed to be an eternity, and I had no idea how to appease him. So I did what my mother had always done when I cried. I sang to him.

"Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me?
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free?
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night you are my own
Take my hand, we're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning's light we'll be halfway to anywhereere ere love is more than just your name
I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long, I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there
We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning's light we'll be halfway to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name."

His tears had dried, and the dry hiccups that accompany (accompanied?) the end of an outburst racked his body, but he looked me in the eye as the song finished.

"I wish it was that easy," he smiled sadly.

Suddenly, I was filled with fury. I had not intended the song to be taken literally, only to be a comfort and a show of my affection, but my mind quickly turned. Why wasn't it that easy? We were both adults in the magical world; why couldn't we just run away together? I was angry. I was infuriated. I was...

Too shy to say anything but, "Why isn't it?"

"You are Albus' ward. He could have me sent to Azkaban for 'abducting' you." I had read in his journal about his fight wiumblumbledore over me. The fact that Dumbledore had implied I would never want Severus hurt me. I had never taken Albus to be a judgmental man, but his actions told me he was also of the school of thought that coeredered Severus to indeed be a "Greasy Git."

"He's not here, Severus. He's in London for the whole next week. And I think that you should... uh... *recuperate* here with me for as long as possible."

"But he'll find out. McGonagall. Dobby."

"McGonagall wants us to be together; she's the one who told me about the music room in the first place. And Dobby is taking orders from Minerva now as she is paying him more than the Headmaster was. Two sweaters, six pairs of socks, an old shoe, and a t-shirt for the Muggle band called the Backstreet Boys. He looks quite cute in pink babydoll shirts, actually."

Mission accomplished! Severus cracked a smile!

"I'm not supposed to... I'm not allowed."

"Oh. Well, then, I suppose I shall leave as you have no use for me," I replied with a hint of mockery in my tone.

"Hermione, please..." he drifted off.

"Please what?" I whispered into his hair, his head once again leaned against my shoulder.

"Please stay."

He lifted his head to look into my eyes. Slowly, he leaned forward and took my lips, gently and unsure of elf.elf. As he pulled away, I smiled at him.

"Well, if you put it that way..."

**********A/N***********
TO ALL READERS: I will not update again if I continue getting such a lame number of reviews. Come on, I see the hits. Review it. Takes two seconds- not that hard to do.

Special thanks to deblovesdragon for suggesting the potions. Guess she watches more "ER" than I do.

And, of course, thank you to Shem who hates commas and would have me writing run-on sentences left and right, but whose judgement I trust so completely I don't even look over her corrections for the most part before implementing the changes. Except for the commas. I like my commas. A lot.

spaz141: Thanks!

Deb: Thank you. You are the best reviewer EVER! Most faithful, too! Don't worry. You'll see their first time. As soon as it happens- I wouldn't trick you and not write it! That would be cruel!

Red Writing Hood: Wow! I'm so glad you like it, as "A Secret Worth Keeping" is one of my absolute faves (but you already know that!)! It means a lot to hear from you. Thank you so, so much. I hope I do not disappoint.

deblovesdragon: My first mate, what can I say? Must thank you for the idea on the potions. Not the brest est at medical stuff. Thanks so much! One question, though. If we are forcing our own legion of doom, what is your super-hero name? Mine is Mighty Mary, but that's been my nickname since high school since I played the tuba and it seriously was as tall as I was and one-third my weight! Anyway, rambling... Thanks again!