Tel\' Lindar (The Bard)

Yes, I am still writing this. No, I still don\'t own anything you recognize and natch, I\'m making like NO mula! Many many thanks to my patient beta\'s - GotSnape and Alex. Kudos to Dame Niamh for bouncing bunnies and correcting my Latin errors and thanks to Mal for the Elvish swearing.

Chapter 15

The Long, Drunken arm of Bronny-poo or Fie! Fie! I Shite on thee

***

Sand.

Sand again. The air was dry and hot and the Voyeur\'s lungs burned with grit. He looked to the right.

Sand.

He looked to the left.

The Elf.Elf.

The Voyeur steeled himself, waiting for the onslaught.

The onslaught that did not come.

The Big Elf smiled wickedly and saluted.

Turned and walked away.

\"What? No stories?\"

The Big Elf stopped and smiled over his shoulder. \"N\'uma.\" He turned and took another step.

\"No battles? No monsters?\"

Again, the Big Elf stopped and smiled over his shoulder. \"N\'uma.\"

\"No wonderful scenes of family life?\"

\"N\'uma.\"

Damn the Elf! Drag him and here and leave? A snarky smile lit the Voyeur\'s face.

\"No punches? I am going to have your wife...\"

The Big Elf was standing in front, smile locked in, but his eyes, furious.

\"Tonight, you sleep in her house. Her house contains many memories. More than what I am willing to show you. Tonight, you will crave sleep.\" And with that, a beautiful smile lit the Elf\'s face and he turned and walked off.

Leaving the Voyeur standing.

***

Girl you\nevenever known no one like me
Up there in your high society
They might tell you I\'m no good
Girl they need to understand
Just who I am
I may be a real bad boy
But baby I\'m a real good man

Real Good Man
Tim McGraw

***

Snape immediately felt her stiffen within his embrace. Her beast moved to her side, whining. Her thoughts were in turmoil...

\"Bronwyn, why are you afraid?\"

She stiffened further and yanked herself from his arms. \"Afraid? Why would I be afraid?\" With that, she picked up Amadeus\' leash and stormed off towards the back door, her free hand fumbling in her pocket.

Severus glared at her retreating form. Why would she have the need to lie? To him of all people? Coat flaring in the dank mist, he followed her to the dark doorway. He pulled out his wand.

\"Do you need help?\" She was fumbling with the keys. Amadeus was watching,rchirching, whining.

\"A light might help.\"

\"I can do this for-\"

\"A light might help!\" she repeated, tersely. Snape bowed his head in mock supplication.

\"Lumo The The light from the tip of his wand flared to life and lit the tiny alcove. She quickly found her key and slid it home into the lock. The door opened silently and the two stepped in from the drizzle.

\"Stay here, while I check out the house and ward the premises properly.\" Severus warded the door behind her and using his lit wand as a flashlight, went through the cottage, checking for traps, warding doors and windows.

Bronwyn sank her fingers into the thick, warm coat of Amadeus. The wolf leaned into her, as if to reassure her. She suddenly realized that he was leashed and she unhooked and removed the loathsome thing.

Severus came back through to the kitchen, headed for the door.

\"The house is clear. Light a fire in the fireplace, madam. This cottas chs chilled. I am going to check and ward the outdoors.\" He stopped for a moment. \"And turn on some lights in this place. I have never figured out how you Muggles do it.\" And with that, he went out backback door and into the night.

Bronwyn snorted to herself and flipped on the kitchen light.

Her kitchen. Her home.

The one she had not been back to since just after Haldir died.

What had ever possessed her to ask Severus if he wanted to stay here? It was a replica of her cottage in Valinor - rather the one in Valinor was a replica of this one. Chills tingled up her arms and she rubbed them unconsciously, shivers now going down her back.

So many memories.

Some bad.

Most good.

The recent ones were REALLY good.

She still missed him.

She would always miss him.

The dust lay thick. Hearing Severus enter the kitchen door, she quickly moved towards the fireplace, grabbing wood from the wood crate next to it. She was aware of him standing slightly behind her, watching as she placed the wood into the fireplace. She paused for a moment.

\"Severus, we don\'t want anyone to know we are here. Won\'t smoke from the chimney or the lights give us away?\"

A firm hand grasped her shoulder, pulling her up and back from the fireplace. \"No. I have made it where no one will see us.\" He pointed his wand at the fireplace. \"Incendio.\" A spark shot from his wand and a cheery blaze lit the room. Severus looked down at the dark, mussed head, her face questioning his response. \"Do not look at me like that! I have it under control!\"

\"Just great, you bossy Wizard!\" she mumbled. \"Trapped within my own house.\" She wandered to the window, where the heavy drapes were closed and attempted to peer between the panels of heavy fabric.

\"Is there something out there you need?\"

Bronwyn smiled slightly and smoothed the curtains. \"It is just late in the summer and everything is in bloom.\" She turned away from the window and moved towards the kitchen. \"Pity not to enjoy them.\"

Severus shrugged and followed her into the kitchen. He watched as she rummaged through cabinets, finally retrieving a battered teakettle and filling it with water.

\"Would you like some tea?\"

Quickly, while she boiled water and set out mugs, he unloaded his pockets, enlarging what was needed, their suitcases, the groceries, and the reams of paper.

\"This be be done shortly, Severus.\" She turned from the stove and looked at the few bags on the table. \"Why don\'t you take our stuff upstairs? My room is on the left. You may have the one on the right, in the front.\" She pointed to the switch on the wall. \"If you turn the tab to point up, the lights will come on.\" She began to remove items from the bags.

Severus picked up the overnight bags; hers were surprisingly light. He posed the same question he had asked that morning when he had reduced her bag for traveling.

\"Are you sure this is all? I have heard stories of the copious amounts of luggage a woman needs for an overnight trip and this, madam, seems paltry in comparision.\"

Bronwyn\'s laugh never left her throat. \"And where are we going? Are we entertaining? N\'uma, all I need are sweats and something to sleep in. Clean underclothes and a few sundries.\" She bent into the refrigerator, two bags at her feet.

Severus scowled and headed into the living room. He noticed there was a dining area that seemed devoid of furniture to the left of the living area. The living room was well lit due to the fire, and he was surprised to find it already warm and inviting. The furniture was older, but in good shape, over-stuffed. There were cases and cases of books. One case held a stereo system and many... CD\'s, tapes and albums. He noticed that there was a flight of stairs by the doorway. Seeing the switch at the bottom of the stairway, he flipped it up, light illuminating a long, dark tunnel.

‘Ah,\' he thought, ‘Muggle ingenuity. They did have some.\' Slowly, he made his way up the stairs. The walls were covered with pictures, pictures that did not move and he made a mental note to take time to study them. He would have two, possibly three days; he would probably be rattling around bored to death by the end of it.

Then again, Severus thought, remembering the dream from several nights past, he might get lucky! His nose immediately twitched in remembered pain.

The narrow hallway stretched down to his left and he could see a single doorway on the right, one at the end of the hall, and two on his left. The first door on his left proved to be a linen closet of sorts, extra pillows and blankets, towels. Setting his suitcase down, he opened the second door, hand searching for the Muggle magical light switch.

It was a child\'s room, small and compact. Light blue adorned the walls, the bed was narrow, only room for one, tucked in under the eaves. Stuffed animals lay scattered, a small compact CD player stood on a table, a stack of CD\'s next to it. He set her things on the bed and picked up .
.

\"Winnie the Pooh Lullabies\'s.\" he read. Severus dropped it with a plop. \"Oh joy.\" he whispered. He flipped the switch down as he left.

He went across the hall into the front bedroom. It took a moment for him to find the switch.

He was surprised at the decor.

The room was warm in tone and muted colors, lacking the ruffles and frills of a woman. Everything was an antique, old, well-worn. A faded patch quilt covered the large, ancient bed and there were many pillows on it. The room, like the entire dwelling, smelled of dust and closed, stale air. There was a closet in one corner and a sitting bench within a bay window. Severus placed his bag on the bed, removed his coat and jacket and backed out of the room.

He continued to explore, going into toor oor at the end of the hallway. It was a large water closet, the bathroom. The light was bright, showing an oversized lion-claw footed bathtub with a decrepit shower head. A disgustingly cheery shower liner encircled the ceiling above the tub.


As he made his way back down the stairs, he could hear the firewood snapping in the fireplace. Amadeus had made himself at home on the rug and Bronwyn was in the empty dining room.

Only with the light now on, he could see it was not empty.

A desk with a strange looking piano keyboard, along with several large box-like shapes and an oblong flat piece with little square buttons were on the table. Bronwyn had unwrapped one of the packages of paper and had placed the sheets in part of the contraption. Amadeus whowas lying in the living area, watchitching every move she made.

\"What is this?\" Severus sniffed disdainfully. He picked up a sheet of paper. \"Is all Muggle paper so short?\"

Bronwyn smiled at his tone of voice. What he didn\'t understand, he despised so openly. Severus was getting predictable.

\"This is a computer.\" she said, turning around to face him. \"This is the way many Muggles obtain information.\"

Severus stepped over and looked down at the table, key keyboard. \"How much information can be stored in something so little? Why is a piano keyboard hooked into it? What, pray tell,\" he lifted the mouse, \"is this?\"

Bronwyn had a hard time containing her laughter. It would do neither of them any good whatsoever if she laughed at this austere, serious man. So intelligent, so stiff, and so NOT understanding. The trick was going to be teaching him without making him feel pandered to.

\"That,\" she said, taking the mouse from him, \"is called a mouse...\"

\"Of course it is! It has a tail!\"

Bronwyn blinked up. There was the vaguest hint of a smile right in the corner of his mouth that did not fit in his persona.

Maybe, he is trying...

And maybe pigs would grow wings and fly.

\"You made a funny. It must have hurt!\" Her smile was barely sincere and she set the mouse down. \"Do you want some tea?\"

\"You have not answered the questions, Bronwyn. And yes, I would like some tea.\"

\"This is a computer. Knowledge is not stored in it like a book. Rather, it is stored in microchips around the world and the computer accesses them...\"

He was looking at her strangely, head tilted. Bronwyn stopped and chuckled.

\"I always had a hard time explaining technical things to Haldir. He found it hard to believe that we had sent men to the moon and probed Mars...\"

\"Muggles have done what to Mars?\"

Bronwyn shook a finger in the air, shaking her head. \"Tell you what. Are you hungry?\" Severus shook his head ‘no\', \"How about some cheesecake and a drink?\"

\"I believe you made tea? Do you have something harder?\"

Hah! The Wizard was after her heart! She KNEW it!

\"I have some Bell\'s.\"

Ah, the stern look she was sooo fond of... NOT!

\"I asked about a stronger drink...\"

\"Bell\'s Whiskey.\"

\"Oh.\" Severus brightened somewhat. \"Muggle whiskey. Should be different.\"

She turned and headed towards the kitchen. \"I\'ll get us a slice of cheesecake, if you make drinks.\" She pointed to a dusty cabinet in the corner. \"You will find whatever poison suits you in there. Ice is in the freezer here in the kitchen.\" She went through the open door.

Severus followed her, shaking his head. \"Madam, you still have not answered my question.\"

She was reaching into a cabinet, taking down two high ball glasses. She rinsed both and handed them to him. \"I will show you how it works and what it does tonight. I\'ll get started on research tomorrow as I\'m really tired. I don\'t know if you brought anything to read, but I have plenty of things around here and things to explore to keep you occupied. Open the top door of the refrigerator.\" He knew what that was. She had something similar in her quarters at Hogwart\'s. \"You\'ll find the ice up there.\" Bronwyn was pulling a cake cutter out of a drawer and eyeing the cheesecake with something akin to sexual longing.

Severus filled the two glasses and went into the living room, heading straight for the liquor cabinet. The room was toasty, but not uncomfortably so. He knelt down, setting the glasses on the top of the cabinet and opened it.

He immediately began choking on flying dust.

\"Circe on a stick!\" Snape swore, wishing he had thought to send Bobbin ahead to clean. He whipped out his wand and flicked \" Purificatio polvorens!\" removing all the dust in and on the cabinet. He filled the glasses and leaving them on the now clean cabinet, set about the room, cleaning every speck of dust in the house.

\"What are you doing?\"

Bronwyn stood in the doorway, a dessert plate in each hand, looking dejectedly around the room.

\"Cleaning out the dust! It is choking me!\" Snape aimed at the computer area. \"Purificatio polvorens!\" He checked the area and convinced every corrupt speck of useless dust was gone, he sheathed his wand and took the closest dish. He pointed to the computer. \"Show me how it works.\" He retrieved his whiskey from the cabinet.

Bronwyn booted up the computer, using the time it took to get her glass and to motion towards an empty chair for the taciturn Wizard to pull up. She settled into her seat, making room, pushing things around, to suit her.

She logged onto AOL.

\"This is called the ‘information highway\' because it works as such. Please do not ask me to explain the technical stuff. I can, but I don\'t understand it and would probably muck it up.\"

\houghought you were the all-knowing historian, keeper of all that is trivial?\" Snape was pulling up a chair as close to her as possible.

\"Yeah right. You remember when I explained removal of tumors from one\'s brain that night we roamed the fourth floor?\" Snape snorted and rolled his eyes. \"Yeah, I thought you did. Same thing.\" She took a bite of the cheesecake. \"The phone is a Muggle Floo Network. This,\" she pointed to the computer, \"is a bigger Floo network. It gives you access to every library, every newspaper in the world. Plus some!\" She speared another bite of cheesecake and shoved it into Severus\' mouth. \"You have the ability to ask it ‘What is this?\' and it will tell you pretty much everyone who might know.\" So engrossed in the information he was receiving, he had chewed twice before gagging on the thought that he had allowed her to feed him!

Severus took a sip of his whiskey. This brand was not half bad, he mused to himself. \"And who invented this... information highway?\"

\"Eh, depends on who you talk to. I wouldn\'t be surprised if some pompous American politician makes claims to inventing it someday.\"

Severus\' pointed to the piano keyboard. \"And what exactly, does that do?\"

Bronwyn took a large sip of her whiskey and stretched. \"Now that is truly Muggle Magic!\" Using the... mouse... sheckedcked through several screens very quickly. \"This is a midi system. It does many things, but what I really like with it is,\" and she began to play a haunting melody, \"I can play all the music that hasn\'t been heard for thousands of years; Elvish music, music of Middle Earth, Hobbit Pub songs and it prints it!\" On the monitor, a musical staffed page was scrolling and notes and rhythms were flying onto it as fast as she was playing. \"When I finish,\" the song came to an unusual cadence, \"I can print it!\" With her mouse, she clicked a small button. A loud whirring surprised the Wizard, as the printer on the table bego feo feed the paper she had loaded earlier through it and music came out the other side. Shortly, several pages of printed music lay in the bin. \"This,\" Bronwyn stated proudly, \"would have taken me hours with a ruler to do. Muggle musical stenography!\"

Severus contemplated this Muggle madness while finishing off his cheesecake and whiskey. \"They adapt to their shortcomings very well, do they not?\"

Bronwyn had finished her whiskey and was getting up to pour herself a second one. \"They wouldn\'t consider it shortcomings, Severus. It\' s just technology. You have magic. They have technology and science. Believe it or not, you are very alike. You live, you bleed, you die. You eat food, you fall in love, you get married and have children or you do not get married and have children. You are educated or not. You grow old and you die.\" She lifted her ball glass to him. \"Did you know the Elves consider human death a gift?\"

Severus could tell she would not be returning to the computer that evening. There was a sluggishness in her movements and her eyes were tired. Her mind was churning, attempting to cover her fear. He moved unhurried towards the welcoming hearth. \"Why would they consider death a gift?\"

She smiled mirthlessly and almost finished the drink. \"Would you want to live forever?\"

He was taken aback at her answer. Live forever? Who wants to live forever? This tortured existence, alone, for eternity? Or worse, stuck with her, forever... on second thought...

\"I never thought about it, Bronwyn. I would suppose it has its advantages and disadvantages.\"

She was filling her glass again.

Severus moved around the couch. \"Bronwyn, I think you have had enough to drink.\"

She held the glass behind her, out of his reach. \"I think you are a prude! I\'m fine.\" Nevertheless, she did set the glass down on the cabinet. She began to rub her hands together, as if to clean them. \"That\'s strange.\"

\"Strange? You find something to be strange?\" Severus sat down on one end of the couch, propping long legs up on the coffee table in front of him. \"Madam, you are the very definition of ‘strange\'.\" Amadeus walked around the couch and chuffed at the Potions Master in obvious derision. He settled down on the rug in front of the fireplace, head on huge paws, watching every move his mistress made.

Bronwyn curled one side of her lip at Snape. \"Heh heh!\" she grunted. \"My palms are itching.\"

Severus drained his glass and scowled. \"Look at the books behind you. Of course they are itching!\"

Bronwyn rubbed her palms on the pockets on her backside. \"No. They only itch if it\'s something I haven\'t read or something that is pertinent that I read immediately.\" She turned to the bookcases and skimmed the spines with her hands. \"N\'uma. Nothing.\" She resumed her wiping and rubbing as she turned back to him. \"Did you bring anything to read, anything I haven\'t read yet?\"

His thoughts turned inward, eyes darting, blinking. \"No I did not.\" He lied smoothly.

Amadeus raised his head quickly. He glared at Severus and growled low.

\"Amadeus?\" Bronwyn was not watching, having her back to him, to refill her drink. \"Did you hear something?\"

Snape grinned maliciously and set his feet back down on the floor. He leaned over, propping his lanky arms on his knees and stated the wolf down. \"He is growling at the wind. After all, that is what dogs do, isn\'t it?\"

Amadeus never broke eye contact. His indigo eyes turned black in fury and he curled his lip, growling lower, louder.

\"Hey, boy.\" Bronwyn set her drink on the mantle and sat down on the rug, pulling the beast to her. \"What has you so rankled? So upset?\" She put her hands in the ruff of his neck, putting her face in his. \"Has momma not spent any time with her big boy? Does he need some wuv?\"

Severus rolled his eyes and propped his feet back up on the coffee table. Women! What did they see in those furry, mangy things with fangs? Picking up his own drink, he scowled at the beast, whose tongue was lolling about. For a minute, the Wizard and the wolf\'s gazes locked, Amadeus\' quite triumphant.

‘Just you wait.\' Severus thought to himself. ‘You will have to go outside to pee sometime!\' The wolf narrowed his eyes. ‘And I will just conveniently forget to let you back in!\'

Bronwyn didn\'t stay on the floor long. In no tishe she was back up, pouring herself yet another stiff drink. Severus recognized the signs of her being past a pleasant buzz and rapidly moving towards drunkenness. She set her empty glass down with a solid thunk. With a scowl, she headed towards the stairs.

\"Going to bed so soon?\"

\"Nuh...uma. Whatever is drivin\' my hands insane is upstairs.\"

Severus was up like a shot and followed her up the stairwell. She stopped at the top of the stairs, as if to get her bearings. As As he feared, she went into his room.

\"Bronwyn. We need to have a talk.\" He entered the room.

She was standing by the bed, hands hovering over his over-night case.

\"You said you brought nothing that I haven\'t read yet. What is in here?\"

Part of him wanted to appease her, placate her.

It was a fleeting thought. He came over, towering over her. \"It is nothing important. The newspaper...\"

\"Why would my palms itch over the newspaper?\" She tucked her fingertips into her hip pockets and glared.

Severus blinked once, slowly. His words, once delivered, were crisp, clear. \"We need to talk first.\"

\"Is it about what is in the Daily Prophet?\"

\"Yes.\"

Bronwyn plopped up on the bed, arms now laying across her chest. \"I am all e\" M\" Mimicking him, she spun her fingers in front of her to hurry him up.

Snape was not a Wizard to be hurried. Especially by a tipsy female. Especially this tipsy female.

\"Albus did not want you to see it. In fact, he has been to each professor and asked them to ignore the articles...\"

\"Articles. There is more than one?\"

Severus ground his teeth and closed his eyes. \"Do not interrupt!\" He drew a cleansing breath and pinched his nose. \"Yes. There is more than one.\"

\"They are about me?\"

Gods, but are you not the bright one!

Rather than voice the thought, Snape gave her his trademark glare; the one that told her (when sober) what a ditz he thought she was. \"Yes! They are about you. They were written by a self-important, self-serving squib who desires nothing more than to cause a stir and sell papers!\"

Silence.

She began to drum her fingers on the post of the bed. \"They are bad?\"

\"That is an understatement.\"

She snarled at the wall and slid from the bed. \"Why would Albus not want me to see them?\"

\"Is it not obvious? They are lies. Vile, filthy lies designed to harm you, undermine you. I have dealt with this sort of swill in the past. Best to ignore it.\"

She was now standing in the doorway, the light from the hallway glowing on her face. \"Oh right. Ignore it, it is so bad. But I think, these articles are why Fudge is so frightened for the safety of his students.\"

Severus\' back was to her, but he looked over his shoulder. \"Yes. More than likely.\"

\"And,\" she added tersely, \"these articles are what all my future students and their parents would know me by.\"

\"Yes.\"

\"Hm.\" she snorted and paused. \"Bring them.\"

***

She moves, she\'s a little wild one
Right down to her shoes, she\'s a little wild one
And I\'ve been living in my own little hell

Little Wild One
Marshall Crenshaw

***

She sat in the floor on the rug for the better part of an hour, going through pages and passages of newspaper text. The moving pictures made her dizzy and she eventually put paperweights and books over the pictures, much to the consternation of the subjects. At first, she went quickly, flipping through the pages, honing in on the sections, then she went back and read slowly.

She had two more drinks.

Severus felt fury, inflamed by her inebriation, followed by a sense of inability to comprehend, replaced by...

She erupted in laughter.

\"Zeus on a platter!\" She got drunkenly to her feet, her empty glass waving in the air. \"I don\'t know if I should feel insulted or amused!\" She leaned to the left, causing Severus to jump up to catch her, but she righted herself and squinted at him. \" On one hand, didja know, I have ma-gi-cal me-you-si-cal pow-wahs, an a-maaaaazing ability to be heartrendingly brave while in the midst of wrenching agony, and a sparkling sense of humor!\" Her grin was lopsided. \" On the other hand, you have different fingers!\" Big grin, waggling said other fingers at him. \"Ha! Ha! I made a funny!\"

Of all the ways Severus thought she would react, this was not it.

She wasn\'t done. Oh no. She was just getting warmed up. He pulled out his wand and locked the liquor cabinet -

\"Wha? No more refills for Mizzy Bron... beeeer-ron.... me?\"

\"No. No more for you. I should have put a stop to it a long time ago!\"

\"Fine! I\'m not drunk, y\'know! I kin der-rink with tha\' bes\' of them! I used to get shit-faced with Glorfy aaaaaaaawll the time!\"

Severus removed the heavy glass from Bronwyn\'s grasp and sat her down on the couch. \"I am sure you did.\" He made a mental note to make sure she never called him by an abbreviated version of his name. He would charm a knife to slit his own throat if she ever referred to him as ‘Sevvie-kins\'.

\"Gimli too! Gimli an\' I could drink ev-er-y-one under the table!\"

\" I bet you were a real treat at parties.\" It was not said in jest. He set the glass on the liquor cabinet.

By the time he had turned around, she was standing back up. She picked up the closest newspaper. \"Let\'s see who you are, Madam reporter.\" She took a minute to focus on the small name in prin"Gaf"Gaffy D. Eleterius.\"

\"One has often wondered what the ‘D\' stands for.\'

\"Wha\' it stands for? It stands for ‘Gafff- fy Dumber - than - a- muck pile- Eeee-leterius!\" She swayed gently, having great difficulty focusing. \"Didja know, according to this schmuck, everyone wants me?\" Her voice dropped into a low, pseudo-French \" I am ze vixen, with ze powah to command ze luv and ze adoration of every male over ze age of pu-bear-ty! Mothers! Watch your sons! I\'ll teach zem all about ze sex and drugs and sex and rock\'n roll and sex and sex and sex and sex and seeeeeex! I\'ll give zem ze experience of a lifetime!\" She threw her arms out wide. \" I can reach orgasm with a single touch!\" Bronwyn began to flick her shoulders, her head, \"Whee Hoo! Touch me!\"

\"My, you are a challenge!\"

\"Ha! I\'m a sex goddess according to this... this...\"

\"Schmuck.\" Severus provided. He sat down and eyed her.

\"Yes! I agree. This person is a schmuck!\" Bronwyn leaned over and pounded him on the shoulder. \"Schmuck! Good for you!\" She started to giggle. \"She discussed my breasts!\" She reared back and grabbed both underneath. \"She can\'t decide if they are mounds, pointed, or saggy beyond compare as I gave birth to hundreds of thousands of children. Why is she interested in my bosoms anyway?\" She looked down, pushing them up to get a better look. \"I dunno! Whaddya think?\" She pressed them out to Severus. \"Mounds?\" she juggled. \"Pointy?\" She squeezed, causing the tips to pucker out. Severus inhaled sharply.

Ooooh. Merlin\'s...

\"I dunno. Maybe they sag, big sacks dragging to the ground.\" She turned loose, causing them to drop to their normal level with a heavy, painful bounce that made Snape wince. \"What\'dya think?\" She regarded him, innocent, truly wanting his opinion.

Severus was speechless, the wind totally removed from his sails.

\"Uh... well... uhm...\"

She scowled, moving on, waving him off. Her volume lowered considerably. \" Discussin\' my boobs! How gauche!\" She threw the paper to the floor and picked up another. \"How could I give birth to all those people anyway? They were here, I was in Valinor, havin\' a grand time, makin\' aaaaall tlveslves fall in lust with me, teasing them with my moundy, pointed, saggy boobs, thank you very much!\"

\"You mean, you and that Elf did not sire the entire populace of philosophers and musicians?\" Severus goaded.

\"Sand.\" she whispered. \"Sand. Do you know what thirty eight thousand years will do to a blood line? My descendants are like grains of sand, blowing over the earth for many millennia.\"

In an instant, the dreams Severus had had of the desert had a whole new meaning.

\"Here, the de-lite-ful Ms. Gaffy Dee EEE - leterius says I saved Legolas in the mines, but over here,\" she threw it down and rifling through the pile pulled up another, \"I saved three members!\" The newspaper was thrown down like a gauntlet. \"This one - \" she pointed, \" says I healed him, healed the Fellowship,\" she fell to her knees in front of the coffee table as she began to spread the loathsome things apart. \" I saved them from a troll, I made Merry and Pippin fall in love with me. What rot!\" Her hand flailed about. \"Where\'s my drink?\"

\"You finished it.\"

\"Oh.\" She continued to pull the paper apart. \"Oh, here!\" She stabbed with her finger. \" she alludes that Beckett and Anselm were lovers. My children, lovers. That\'s just too disgusting for words.\" She shoved the offending paper to the side. \"Can I have another drink?\"

\"No.\"

\"Damn.\" She slowly pulled herself back up. Snape thought for sure she was going to immediately fall over, but she managed to right herself. Amadeus was nosing through the newspaper on the floor, looking closely as if to read for himself.

\" Did thish person talk to me? No.\" She wagged a lone finger at him. \"Did thish Gah...gaff... Dee-Eleterius speak to my friends, my family? Nooooo! Yet, they have it that I fucked every Elf, everywhere, did the nasty with Haldir during a battle, like I had time to play with his ‘quiver\' while refilling quivers. Didja know that post-sex, I can reproduce Elton John, Ed Rollins, Aerosmith, Beethoven, yada yada yada, perfectly. And by perfectly, she means with full orchestral accompaniment. According to her, my voice can produce the sounds of violins, trumpets, drums, double basses, pianos, and multiple singers ALL AT THE SAME TIME.\" Her hands were thrown out. \"My. Voice. Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your life? It\'s laughable.\" She turned in a drunken circle, singing off-key, \"Got a good reason, for takin\' the easy way out! She was a ... Dayschlepper....\"

They paid no attention to Amadeus, who had picked up the newspaper he had been perusing and quietly took it up the stairs.

Severus stood up, towering over the angry woman. \"Bronwyn, I think...\"

\"You think! You think! Rot! She speculated on Anselm\'s name. \" She made a moue with her mouth, her voice going to a high pitched squeak. \"It\'s not feminine enough. I spelled it wrong. I know who the fuck I named my child after. Where the hell was she when I was laboring, outside in the garden? She wasn\'t even a thought in the Creator\'s mind!\" She stormed to the liquor cabinet and grabbed her glass. \"Well damn, it\'s empty.\" She banged it back down. \"She doesn\'t think I have enough bad descendants. Iluvatar\'s Balls, I could tell you stories about my rottener kids. Rufus the Red, Richard the Lion-hearted, who buggered the page-boys, didja know that all seven James\' that rose to the throne of Scotland, did so through some form of patricide?\"

\"I never thought it important.\"

She closed one eye, attempting to focus. Her swaying was increasing. \"I\'m sorry. I think I got lost in thought.\"

\"Ah. Unfamiliar territory.\"

Bronwyn cocked her head to the side. \"Eh?\"

Severus was now standing over her, the fire beginning to die down. \"So, I am spending the weekend with the sexiest vixen in all of wherever. How does one act?\"

Bronwyn stepped back and threw out her arms. \"In place of a Dark Lord, you would have a Queen. Beautiful as the dawn; treacherous as the sea. All shall bow down and love me!\" Her voice trailed off. \"No, wait. That\'s Galadriel.\" She shook her head. \"They were wrong about her too.\" Her shoulders slumped and she got very quiet. \"They were wrong about everything. How could they screw it up so bad? They said I forced him to call me Baraer. allealled me that for weeks before I knew what it meant. I thought it meant Pain-in-the-ass.\" She reached down and picked up thosesosest newspaper, regaling him with a drunken, lop-sided smirk. \" I am a cross-dressing God! No, I am a Hermaphrodite! Next thing you know, she will be claiming I was the one who pushed Gollum over the edge at Mount Doom. Do you know what I think of Gaffy Dee Eee- Lete- Re-Us?\" She wadded up the paper and threw it in the fire. \"Sangwalya umë nwalya nye! That\hat hat I think of the bitch!\"

Severus leaned over and handed her another.

For a minute, she took great pleasure in stoking the fire.

After she threw the last one in, Severus\' arms went around her and unconsciously, hers went around his waist. \"Would it have been so hard to...\" She stopped suddenly and peered at him. \"Severus?\"

\"What?\" Good. She was winding down. Finally, he could get on with the business of...

\"Do you know that you have the most amaziose?ose?\"

Well, this was a shock! \"You think?\"

She smiled. \"Yes, I think! I like distinctive, amazing noses.\" She dipped her head, whispering conspiratorially. \"Haldir had quite the snoz!\"

Ah. What a lovely comparison. Snape attempted to pull the conversation back to the task at hand. She was now leaning against him, relaxing more and more. And she was looking up at him in an acutely drunken manner.

He brushed his lips across her hairline.

She sigh

So far, so good, Snape, old bean. You haven\'t frightened the hell out of her yet. He tipped her head back a little further and bent over, brushing her lips with his...

She didn\'t shy away; in fact, she leaned in more...

Severus deepened the kiss, her mouth tasting still of whiskey. His tongue snaked around the edge of her teeth, tipping the roof of her mouth... her leaning further and further, relaxing...

Like dead weight...

Severus pulled back, releasing her mouth...

Her head went ‘thump\' on his chest.

\"Zzzzzzzz\"

Despite himself, Severus smirked down at her. ‘Well, this is a first.\' he thought derisively. ‘Usually they are running fear of me. Never had one pass out on me.\' He started to swing her up in his arms, but had second thoughts. Supporting her in one arm, he pulled out his wand with the other and levitated her. \"Ah, Bronwyn. What about me and this house has you frightened out of your wits?\' Carefully, so as not to bang her head - as his had been done not to many years ago - he took her up the stairs and into her room.

Amadeus was waiting, not so patiently, as Snape laid her down. He pulled off her shoes and tossed the blanket that was folded at the foot of the bed over her. He looked at the wolf, sitting patiently at the foot of the bed.

\"Do you need to go out?\"

Amadeus answered by jumping up on the small bed and nudging into her back.

\"Fine. Do not getup iup in the middle of the night.\"

He left the room and stopped in the hallway, sniffing at the rank odor wafting from his room. He snarled, knowing what he would see when he opened the door.

Sure enough, in the middle of the bed, that mongrel had defecated the biggest pile... Snape pulled out his wand again and just before he uttered the first word of the cleansing charm, he noticed...

...that the beast had spread out the newspaper several thick and had shit on the byline of Gaffy D. Eleterius.

***

Prince Charming
Prince Charming
Ridicule
Is nothing to be scared of...

Adam Ant
Prince Charming

***

Severus finished his evening ablutions and crawled into the bed. All traces of the mutt\'s offering had been removed and even the dust had been cleared out. The quilts and pillows were inviting, warm and he gratefully crawled between the sheets. With a whisper, he turned off all the lights and settled his head down on tversversized pillow.

He relaxed and began to drift...

*** *** ***

Thud.

Bronwyn\'s head was thrown down on the pillow next to his, her hands back, over her head...

They were tied...

The Big Elf was between her legs, pulling up her nightgown. ‘Amin! Baraer! Amin!\'

The perspiration trickled down her brow. \"Nai! Nai! Vorya!\"

*** *** ***

Severus sat up in the bed, breathing heavy, hard as a rock. He forced his breathing to slow, willing his pulse, his erection to return to normal. He lay back down.

And relaxed.

*** *** ***

And saw her in the Elf\'s arms. She had turned her back to him and had wiggled her bottom into the Elf\'s groin.

\"Keep that up, Baraermin. You might start something you cannot finish..\"

*** *** ***

Severus bolted up again. He glared into the darkness. \"Not funny, Elf!\"

A mocking whisper in the air, so faint, he almost missed it.

Not me. So sorry.

Twice more, Severus tried to lie down. The minute he relaxed, he was enlightened with visions of love play between the two.

He tried the chair in the room. Apparently they had christened it.

He stormed down the stairs.

The couch was no good, the rug on the floor, definitely not. He tried the bed in the nanny\'s room behind the kitchen; that was a lost cause. He sat at the kitchen table, head in hands and was greeted by a row of white pills, lined up on the table, water sloshing everywhere. He had sat on the steps, trying to think, only to see the Elf backed into the wall, her on her knees...

He bolted up.

He went into the garage to look. Found her car, unlocked. He opened the back door...

Within a minute, he was heading back into the living area.

In exhaustion, he stood in the middle of the floor...

\"Damn you, Bronwyn. Is there anywhere in this house you and the Elf did not screw each other senseless?

***
tbc
***

Daytripper
Lennon/McCartney
Beatles

Vorya - Don\'t stop
Nai! - Yes
N\'uma - No
Amin - Mine
Sangwalya umë nwalya nye! - Your poison does not hurt me!
Purificatio polvorens - Purify the dust

A/N - All opns ans and quotes attributed to the Daily Prophet\'s *** ahem cough cough*** gossip columnist were directly gakked - ie copied - or paraphrased from the Flamer Journal, Deleterius or the Flamer Message Board, GodAwful Fanfiction. (Gaff). As they have derived so much pleasure ***cough cough*** from my ‘pathetic attempts\' at writing, I felt it only fitting that they be given a unique place of honor so they would truly know how very special ***hack hack cough cough*** they are to me.