There Is A Thin Line Between Hate And Love

Disclaimer: Not mine. Please don‘t sue I don‘t have any money
Pairing: (Eventually) Harry/Draco
Author: Catium
Beta: Moi
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4.298
Genre: Romance/ Drama.
Status: In Progress.
Warnings: Language. Smut. Sexual activity.
Summary: What happens when that thin line between hate and love starts to disappear? Starts in the Half Blood Prince then moves on to year 7. The Deathly Hallows never happened.

Harry is figuring out how he is and has a little talk with his closest thing to a father figure Remus Lupin. Remus tells him exactly how deep his and Sirius relationship ran. Meanwhile Draco is getting tired of waiting and goes to Blaise for a bit of comfort and tells him a little too much. Harry finds out.

Chapter 13 – Who Am I?

So Harry started thinking. He thought on Monday... he thought on Tuesday... he thought on Wednesday...Thursday...Friday...Saturday...and during the nights...and when he eat...went to classes...walked along the halls...Harry thought. On Saturday night he’s thought so much about who he was and if he could be...different and like Draco. That he had gotten himself a headache.

“If only I could talk to someone...this would so be something that other kids would talk to their parents about...if I’ve ever really wished for a mom or da...”

“I’m so stupid!” Harry said up loud to himself when he realised he didn’t have a dad...but he had someone who had told him after Sirius’s death that if he ever needed a confidential he would be there for him.

“I’ve know that for years Harry. Now shut up I need my beauty sleep. It costs effort being this good looking you know?” Draco said through the darkness.

“You are without a doubt the only person that thinks that Draco.” Seamus Finnegan added.

“Can everybody shut up if I don’t go to sleep now you all will have to carry me around tomorrow.” Ron said.
The room quieted down and Harry found his train of thought again.

“I have someone I can talk to only I’ve never used it before. I will talk to him tomorrow.” Were Harry’s last thoughts before he drifted to sleep.

Sunday morning found Harry standing outside a classroom door. He knocked and a voice said

“Enter.”

Harry opened the door and looked at Remus Lupin sitting at his desk rating papers.

“Harry!” He said a smile bursting out on his face. “What can I do for you today? Come on in. Is this a student finding a teacher or well...you finding me?”

“Thanks for the invitation Remus.” Harry said came in and closed the door. “It’s me finding you. You said once that you would be there for me if I ever needed to talk, but that was right after Sirus’s...death...so maybe.”

“No, no...not at all Harry. I meant what I said after Sirius’s...” Remus stopped and Harry realised that Remus was still not nearly over Sirius’s death, a lot less than himself was. “So what do you want to talk to me about Harry?”

“I...eh...” Harry stuttered. “Is there a possibility that we could go somewhere a little more private to talk about this...I’m...this is kinda private.”

“Oh yes Harry of course. How stupid of me I should have asked you to come to my private quarters, right away after you told me you wanted to talk to me non-professor/student way. I’m sorry.”

“It’s O.K. Remus. I’ve never asked you for a talk before so there is no wonder you didn’t.”

Remus stood up and pointed Harry to follow him. He walked to the back of the classroom and took out his wand and did a little movement over the brick. A part of the brick slithered aside and revealed a door. Remus went in and Harry followed. After walking through a short passage they came into Remus’s private quarters. They were really comfortable looking but not large. A fire roaring in the fireplace, bookshelves covered half the walls, stuffed with book and two big comfortable armchairs and a wooden coffee table took up almost all the space in the living room. There were three doors out of the room, the one that let them back out, one leading to the bathroom and the other to Remus’s bedroom.

“Have a seat Harry would you like a cup of tea and some crackers?” Remus asked.

“No thank you I...I don’t think I can eat or drink anything right now.” Harry said in a low almost broken voice.

Remus heard him and he realised this was not going to be an ordinary talk.

“Harry by Merlin, what’s wrong? Has anything happened? Has Voldemor...?”

“No it’s not about him.” Harry said.

“Did you have a fight with Ron or Hermione?”

“No we are as close as always.”

“Did Sna...”

“NO! REMUS I THINK I’M GAY!” Harry screamed in order to get Remus to shut his 1001 question contest.
It worked. Remus shut it up and looked at him surprisingly.

“And I think I might like Draco” Harry added his voice more broken than Remus had ever heard it before even after Sirius’s death.

“Oh my Harry I...” was all Remus managed to say before Harry continued.

“I can’t Remus...I...I can’t do this. I can’t be gay on top of everything else. The boy who lived...saviour of the Wizarding world...even the youngest seeker in a century and the fourth Tri-Wizard champion. The media and the public think they owe me because I’m supposed to save their arses. They will eat my up if they find out I might be...gay. They will hate me...thinking I’m too busy doing gay stuff to save their arses. And Ron and Hermione and the Weasley’s...you... my family...I just know they will hate me. Especially because I might be liking Draco. And how can I be so stupid to maybe like Draco? He’s a Malfoy, they’re always been considered evil...everyone will have a fit. We are supposed to be arch nemesis not kissing the hell out of each other in the hallways...” Realising what he had said at the end Harry grabbed his mouth his eyes widening in horror.

“Harry...” Remus said and to Harry’s massive surprise he started laughing.

“This is not funny, Remus. How can you do this? You told me I could talk to you about everything.”

“And you can Harry...you can.” Remus said and stopped laughing becoming serious. “The media Harry? The public? Hermione? Ron? The Weasleys? Me? You are thinking too much about what other think. The media and the public will make a deal out of this if you decide you’re gay that is true. But since when have you given a Merlin damn thing about what they think? Never. And when the next big thing comes along. Some Quidditch star cheating on his wife they will forget all about. People will make a big deal out of whomever you decide to have a relationship with. That person being Draco Malfoy or Susan Bones. Putting that person under the microscope finding all the dirt on it. It doesn’t matter. But what does matter is if that person is strong enough to handle those media’s attention without leaving you. Then that person must like you a lot. And your family...me? I can’t talk for Hermione and the Weasley’s but I will not turn my back on you. If I did so that would be pretty hypocritical of me because...well because I’m gay Harry.

“Remus I...” Harry started saying then Remus’s words sank in. “You what?”

“I’m gay Harry. And like you already know I’m a werewolf too. Can you imagine what I had to go through when I realised. I’m not trying to diminish your problem, but it’s nothing compared to how I felt. It was hard enough being a werewolf, which automatically put you outside the normal society. But gay? In the 1970’s? It was impossible. Which was the reason why my and my boyfriend never came out. Not separately or as a couple. He knew we would be given hell. Especially me. So he never came out either. We were going to tell your parents and Peter, but never got the chance before all hell broke out. That is the war with Voldemort you know?”

“Yeah I realised.” Harry said still too stunned to say anything else.

“Then I lost him in the war and I just couldn’t come out alone. Then a few years ago I found him again. But our relationship had been through so much right before I lost him that we couldn’t tell each other we still had feelings for each other. We did though around two years ago finally. We started picking up the threats but they were fragile so we went slow and didn’t want to tell anybody yet. Our relationship had just newly become strong enough for us to want and come out when he...died.” Remus finished and went silent.

They both stayed silent for a while, Harry wondering about what Remus had told him. Then a little light turned on in his brain and he realised...

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked looking at Remus who looked at him back. They started each other in the eyes and Harry continued. “Why didn’t you tell me you and Sirius were a couple?”

“I am now Harry. It isn’t easy when you’ve been keeping it a secret for 20 years. You are the first person except Sirius I tell I’m gay. We were not ashamed...but we were afraid. The Wizarding world in the 1970’s was so uptight about everyone who where different that at first they welcomed Voldemort’s theories. But when they became too extreme the society turned against him. But still there were prejudice, and we decided it wasn’t anybody’s business but ours.”

“I understand. They could have killed you if they have known? Right?” Harry asked.

“Right. They could have.” Remus admitted. “But that is not something you have to worry about anymore. Some people might give you a hard time but no one would kill you over this now a days. But I’m going to be honest with you. Some people still look at homosexuality as a sickness, an unnatural thing. So you can never be absolutely sure. Some people might decide to beat the homosexuality out of you.”

“Yeah but it’s not like I’m not in danger already of being beaten up or killed. So that is not the issue. And I guess...” Harry stopped talking and Remus urged him on.

“And you guess what?”

“And I guess adding gay on top of the other things I already have going for me, The Boy Who Lived...so on... so forth isn’t something I should worry about. I mean you were a werewolf and added that on top of you. Your kind, sorry about this, is hated and feared by everyone. I have the popularity vote from at least half of the Wizarding world and no one can wait for all around the world popularity. And if the press and public can’t deal with it then...”

“Then fuck them Harry...fuck them all. They don’t deserve you anyway.” Remus said and the look on his face when he said fuck them made Harry realise for the first time why he had been a part of the Marauders.

“And my family...you...” Harry paused remembering Draco’s words half a month ago. “If they love me...they will understand.”

“Yes they will.” Remus agreed a smile tugging at his lips “You really thought up every possible reason for why you couldn’t be gay and now when we’ve dismissed them all. What about Draco?”

“What about him?” Harry asked.

“Does he know you might possibly, maybe like him?”

“He was as a matter of fact the one who told me he liked me first.” Harry said.

“If I might Harry?” Remus asked.

“Sure...I asked for your help on this anyway.”

“You’ve been in a relationship with Ginny. That didn’t last really long. So think about who you felt about Ginny who you had strong enough feelings to start a relationship with.”

“O.K.?” Harry said uncertain where this was going.

“Now think about your feelings for Draco.” Remus added looking at him.

Harry closed his eyes to isolate Remus’s stare. He recollected his feelings every time he had seen Ginny during their time together. Imagined her face. Then he did the same for Draco. For a while he sat there. Then he realised. Ginny did not add up to the comparison. Harry opened his eyes and looked at Remus. Who smiled back at him like he knew what Harry was thinking.

Harry jumped out of the chair. His heart racing a million miles an hour.

“I...” He said his brain thinking so fast he could barely make a whole sentence. “I gotta go find Draco, Remus thanks for the chat.”

“Wait Harry aren’t you going to tell me what...”

“Sorry Remus.” Harry interrupted him. “I promised Draco he would be the first to know when I made a decision. I’ve got to run now. Thanks again bye”.

Harry ran out like Voldemort was at his heels, to find Draco.
___________________________________________________________________________

While Harry was at Remus’s talking to him Draco was sitting at the library studying with Hermione and Ron.

Draco had spent the last week thinking too. But not about his feelings for Harry he knew them. He had been thinking about his mother since last Sunday. What she had said and the reason she had given for not being able to protect him from his father’s “lessons.” “I did not have any choice.” And the more he had thought about it the more he had realised she had been right. Finally he had gone to Claudia and they had a talk. Yesterday they have gone and visited their mother. They had told her she should not had allowed him to beat on any of them and that they used to be angry at her for not protecting them. But now they were over it. She had been a victim too and done the best she could. They had forgiven her and Narcissa had started crying hysterical. Claudia had started crying too and she and Narcissa had hugged like their lives depended on it. Draco had looked at them for a while and then went towards them and Narcissa had hugged him too. The first real hug Draco had gotten in over 10 years.

Draco had decided to forgive his mother because he could not keep on having a grudge against her and almost hating her like this. Hating people was the old Draco. He was the new Draco and did not want any more hate in his live.

Draco sighed and leaned back in the library chair he was sitting on, stretching.

“You all right Draco?” Hermione asked concerned.

“Yes I am fine. It is just I’ve finished studying and it is kind of boring sitting here not doing anything. And I cannot go.”

“Sorry about that. I’ll be finished in less than an hour so just hang on O.K.?” Hermione said looking apologetic.

“Sure.” Draco said. He stood up and looked around the library. Then he noticed someone standing between the shelves. A person he hadn’t spoken to in ages.

“Blaise Zabini.” Draco thought “Fucking hot as always.” He said to himself as he checked Blaise out in secrecy. Draco was still a Malfoy and more Slytherin than he would ever be a Gryffindor and now a thought crept into his head and he smirked in his old Malfoy way.

“Hermione is it all right if I go and have a look for a book I’ve been wanting to read for a while.”

Hermione occupied in the books answered absentminded.

“What? Oh yeah sure.”

“Thanks.” Draco said and walked fast towards where he had seen Blaise disappear behind one of the bookshelves. He turned the corner and saw Blaise who was looking at some book with his back turned at him. Draco smirked again and snuck up behind him. He leaned in close and whispered in Blaise’s ear.

“Guess who?”

Blaise startled turned around and upon seeing Draco’s face he sighed a breath of relive.

“Draco by Merlin...do not scare me like this.”

“Sorry. You know how I’m like. Always have the have the element of surprise.”

Blaise looked Draco up and down with a critique eye and to Draco’s delight he seemed to like what he saw.

“So how have you been Draco?” he asked after eyeing Draco.

“I am good Blaise thank you and you?”

“Can’t complain although Slytherin is considerably more boring without you. And there are few things to please the eye. So how is your mission going?”

“You know about that?” Draco asked surprised.

“You know Pansy she can’t keep her big mouth shut.”

“No she never can, can she?” Draco stopped and then decided to stop this pointless polite conversation and do what he came here to do. “I didn’t really come here to talk about Pansy’s big mouth.”

“Oh really I thought you had gotten quite familiar with Pansy’s big mouth” Blaise said sounding smug.

“I would rather renew my familiarity with your mouth Blaise.” Draco said and ran his tongue slowly over his lips to make his point clear.

“I’m sorry Draco. I would love to but I told you last year I won’t do this with someone who is playing for His team.” Blaise said looking real sorry.

“What if I am not playing for His team anymore? What if I quit His team?” Draco asked.

“What do you mean Draco? If you’re not...playing in His team anymore then why are you hanging around the Trio for?”

“Because I swished teams and my former Captain will not be too pleased when he finds out. The Trio are my “babysitters”.”

At those words Draco realised he had said too much and stopped talking afraid of Blaise’s reactions. Blaise on the other hand looked like he had broken his jaw he was gaping so much at Draco’s words.

“I shouldn’t have said that Blaise... shit. You’re still neutral right? I...bloody hell. I was...”

“Don’t worry Draco, I’m still neutral and I won’t tell anyone. I swear on our friendship. I do not want to see you dead or worse. But your guessing was wrong if you think I want to get reacquainted with you now.”

“Oh shut up Blaise.” Draco said frustrated and dragged Blaise towards him in a hard and desperate kiss. At first Blaise looked like he wasn’t going to answer back and Draco broke the kiss. “I am sorry Blaise I should not have done...” But before he could finish Blaise dragged him against him and gave him a kiss back matching his own. Draco responded and for a while they kissed like their lives depended on it. Blaise drew back in a couple of minutes, looked at Draco and gave him one of his rare smiles.

“Still a great kisser Draco, but I do not recall you responding so hard to a couple of kisses, even if they are mind blowing.” Blaise said beckoning towards Draco’s crotch where there was a very physical evidence of their kiss.

“Well...” Draco said his voice hoarse. “I am kind of starved at the moment. Have not been getting any action lately. Not looking for it really. Have got my eyes set on someone special.”

“Someone special hey? But you do know you can...take care of yourself right?” Blaise asked.

“Also difficult when you have someone watching your back 24 hours a day every day. They check on my every five minutes when I am taking a shower. I am not allowed to go to the bathroom alone and during the nights I am just too damn tired to think about my dick. During the mornings I use a spell I found to reduce my excitement and that works for couple of hours so my usual morning shower wank is a no go.”

“I see.” Blaise said sounding understanding. “This must be so hard on you.” He started to move his hand that had not been tangled in Draco’s hair downwards. “Maybe I can...” He came to a halt at Draco’s crotch. “...help...” he unzipped the zipper on the pants. “...you out...” and slipped his hand inside Draco’s pants, gripping at the bulge and started rubbing slowly.

“Oh sweet Merlin.” Draco breathed and then all he could do was to lean against the bookshelves moaning.

Harry came running into the library and came to a screeching halt where Hermione and Ron were sitting still studying.

“Oh hi Harry.” Hermione said

“Is everything O.K. mate you look kinda out of breath?” Ron asked concerned.

“Yes I’m fine. Where is Draco?” Harry asked hurriedly.

“He went to look for some book over there somewhere.” Hermione said pointing towards where Draco had went.

“And you let him go alone?” Harry asked shocked.

Hermione and Ron looked at each other terrified when they realised they’re mistake.

“Oh Harry. We’re sorry; we didn’t think...we were so busy studying and he...”

“Common let’s go look for him.” Harry said shortly and they all got up looking.

Harry ran towards where Hermione had pointed and slowed down when he went between the shelves. He stopped, listening, hoping to hear something which might point to where Draco was. And he heard something. A muffled moaning.

“Shit he’s being tortured.”Harry thought panicking and walk quickly towards the sound. He turned a corner and stopped, shocked at the sight that met him and gasped in surprise.

Draco was leaning against the shelves and was being snoged senseless by Blaise Zabini. Zabini also had his hand down Draco’s paints and was moving it in a way that left no guessing to what they were doing.

Draco had heard a gasp and broke the kiss looking behind Blaise’s shoulder. And he saw... Harry was standing there too shocked to do anything, looking at them. When Draco locked eyes with Harry’s and saw that they were burning with what was clearly anger...and jealousy...he came quickly and with a loud moan.

“The fucking bastard.” Harry thought when Draco looked him in the eyes and Harry saw them becoming like floating silver, the same moment Draco came loudly. Unable to watch this anymore he turned around and left.

“Oh damn it.” Draco cursed and broke his and Blaise’s embrace when Harry looked like he was about to leave.

“That was quick” Blaise said his eyes glazed over. “Your turn” he said and then he noticed Draco’s stare and followed it, seeing Harry in time as he turned around and walked away.

Draco cursed again and did a quick cleaning spell on himself.

“I have got to go.” Draco said hurriedly and ran away.

“Someone special indeed.” Blaise said smirking and then went back to looking for that book he had been searching for when Draco had interrupted him.


“Harry wait!” Harry heard Draco’s desperate voice behind him as he ran out of the library and decided that defence was the best offence and turned around.

“YOU FUCKING BASTARD!” He screamed at Draco.

Draco stopped dead when hearing the fury in Harry’s voice.

“What do you care?” He said with venom in his voice. “We are not together. We are nothing. Because you are still thinking about things.” Draco said mockingly imitating Harry’s voice.

“I thought Blaise didn’t do Voldemort’s followers?” Harry asked.

“Well I’m not a part of his team anymore.” Draco spat back.

“You told him?” Harry asked a cold sweat spreading out all over his body.

“Yes I did. But do not worry Harry. He will not tell. He is neutral. Remember?”

“What if they do not give him a choice?” Harry asked.

“He...” Draco said and then stopped realising Harry was right.

“Oh double damn it.” He thought.

“That’s what I thought.” Harry said. “You just endangered everything. Maybe just cost us the war. BECAUSE YOU WERE FUCKING HORNY!” He screamed at Draco.

Draco didn’t know what to say.

“I did...I did not tell him everything. I only told him I’m not part of Voldemorts “team” anymore.” He said brokenly.

“Yeah right” Harry snorted.

“You still do not trust me. I have done everything I have been asked. Been a good little boy. Shut out all of my former friends. Told you things that no one else knows off. And still you do not trust me?”

“What you just did does not give me a reason to trust you.” Harry said.

“Well then...fine.” Draco said his good vocabulary letting him down for the first time. “Tell McGonagall on me. Throw me into Azkaban. Punish me for a moment weakness because I wanted something that you will not give me. Because you cannot face you fears and admit you are a fucking fairy and that you might like me, like I like you.”

“I won’t do that Draco. I won’t tell McGonagall about this” Harry said. “I understand weakness. But I can’t and I won’t forgive you any day soon for talking about the one of few things you were supposed to shut up about. Weakness or not. I’m not sure if I will be able to forgive you for this and trust you again, or if I will want you and me to become something more. I’m going to need more time.”

“That’s what you’ve said for over a month Harry. It’s nearly December now. I’m a Malfoy and a Malfoy waits for no one. I’m through waiting Harry. We are over even before we began.”

These words struck Harry harder than he would ever have cared to admit.

“Fine then.” He said trying to hide his disappointment.

“Fine.” Draco echoed.

Draco turned around to get back into the library to Hermione and Ron, but then Harry added.

“I was done.” He said. “Thinking about things.”

Draco looked back at Harry hopeful.

“And...?” he asked

“And I won’t tell you now.” Harry said his voice breaking than he ran away.

Draco looked after him and realised that he had for once and all blown it.

“Over before we even began.” He said up loud to the empty hallway. Then he went back inside the library and took a seat next to Hermione and Ron how had witnessed Harry’s run out of the library and Draco’s pursuit.

“What were you fighting about now?” Ron asked.

“Can’t you just get along?” Hermione asked.

Draco answered them sarcastically sounding like his old self.

“We were not fighting, we are just fine.”

TBC

Author’s note: I want to thank everyone who had read, I’m always surprised when I see how many have read my story. Although it would be nice to get more reviews *Hint*. Please do not be mad at me because the boys aren’t together yet. It will happen real soon. Promise.

More reviews encourage me to write faster;)