Left Holding the Baby

Chapter Thirteen

Snape walked across from Flourish and Blotts, and made a show of walking past the tables once. He and Sirius had got there almost an hour early, and the old man and his almost as old cocker spaniel had strolled the surrounding streets for a while, moving from one Apparition point to another, the man looking for someone, whilst the golden spaniel sniffed around for the scent he found about fifteen minutes before the appointed time for the meeting. It had been useful to discover that they could even Charm Sirius’s Animagus form.

Sirius had traced Regulus and Bellatrix and Barty Crouch Junior, just before the three sat down at two separate tables. He had then settled himself under a table beside two old witches, who hadn’t even noticed him, as Snape dropped his Charms and approached the table where Regulus sat alone. Sirius could hear the conversation from where he lay half-under the adjacent table, stretched out as though fast asleep; he just hoped the two old witches would stay put for long enough.

‘Do not bother with the preliminaries, Black,’ Snape said as he sat opposite Regulus. ‘I have no felicitations to offer in response. I know what the weather is like, and we have no mutual friends to ask after.’

‘As you wish, Severus,’ Regulus responded from below his complex Charms. ‘Do I offer you condolences, at least, on the death of my brother?’ he enquired, and paused to take in Snape’s long hard look. ‘Ah, perhaps not,’ he said with what he must have assumed was a disarming smile.

‘Black, I do not have all day, and I have no inclination to speculate about why your brother may have been found hanged in a Knockturn Alley brothel, with whatever ladies undergarment he had tied over his head. Kindly get to your point, or I shall take my leave.’

‘Where is Harry Potter?’

Snape began to stand. ‘I do not know. Goodbye.’

‘Severus, wait,’ Regulus said, and grabbed his sleeve, ‘sit down. I apologise. It was a quick shot to see if I could catch you off guard. Not my real reason for asking to meet you. And I apologise, too, for approaching you through Lucius.’ He gave another charming smile, which could almost have been genuine. ‘Now sit back down; tea is on me.’

He signalled the waiter to the table and ordered tea, and then turned the talk to his grand plan, or at least it had seemed he was about to, but Severus noticed how carefully neutral much of what he said was, as though he were waiting for Snape to pre-empt the conversation. He suspected he was waiting for something or someone else too, and Severus had a suspicion just what it was; in fact he would have been almost disappointed if he’d been wrong.

‘Are we waiting for Lucius?’ he enquired. ‘Or have you asked me to meet you to discuss such inconsequentialities as you have done so far?’

‘No,’ Regulus replied with a cool smile as the waiter reached the table again, ‘we’re waiting for tea.’

*****

Snape smelt it straight away, the tiny telltale hint of almond; masked as it was by the jasmine tea, it would never have been noticed by one less wary. He wondered just whom the waiter was. Regulus had been more prepared than he had expected, but then again he had thought he had been cutting it fine at only arriving fifteen minutes early. Of course he would hardly have been clumsy enough to try to slip it into Severus’s tea under his nose.

He sipped carefully, as though the tea were too hot for his taste; the Veritaserum antidote he had dosed himself with before leaving the manor only worked with very small amounts, and he couldn’t afford to make a mistake now. Regulus was the one man who could get him face to face with Voldemort, and Snape had debts to pay.

‘Who are you working for, Snape?’ Regulus asked; his questions becoming more and more open as he assumed the Veritaserum took hold.

‘I hold faith only with one man, Black.’

Regulus raised an eyebrow. ‘Voldemort?’

‘No, not Voldemort,’ Snape replied, and narrowed his eyes slightly, as though he were puzzled by his own answer.

‘Dumbledore?’ Regulus asked. ‘Are you working for Dumbledore after all, Severus?’

‘Nor Dumbledore. I ally myself only to myself,’ Snape said quietly. ‘That way I am never disappointed.’

‘Where is Potter?’ Regulus asked.

‘Dead,’ Snape replied and looked away.

‘I meant his son.’

‘I do not know. I only saw him once when … when Sirius brought him to Grimmauld Place,’ Snape said. ‘I do not know who would have him now that your brother is dead.’

Regulus seemed disappointed in his answer, but laid it aside. ‘Were you having an affair with James Potter?’ he said smoothly, as Snape sipped again at the tea.

Severus could feel him watching him; he could feel the two Death Eaters at the other table watching him too, as he looked down at his hands. He knew well the confusion Veritaserum caused, the surprise when one heard unintentional confidences uttering from one’s own lips.

‘Severus?’ Regulus said softly. ‘Were you having an affair with James Potter?’

‘Yes,’ Snape replied quietly, frowning again in bewilderment. From the corner of his eye he saw the two elderly witches begin to rise from the table under which Sirius lay; damn, he had hoped for a better fall of the dice. Black waited until their backs had turned and trotted after them; it was only then that Severus began to feel really exposed.

‘I see,’ Regulus responded. ‘Were you working for the Order? Of course you were,’ he said without giving Snape a chance to reply. ‘Sirius said as much.’

Snape looked up quickly, as though in a flash of anger. ‘I have never betrayed our Lord,’ he said. ‘Not like some I could mention.’ He caught the look of relieved satisfaction, and cautioned himself not to relax too much.

‘I meant no such thing,’ Regulus said in a hurry. ‘I only meant in your capacity as spy for Voldemort. Let us go back to the boy, Severus,’ he said in an almost honeyed tone. ‘Where have you taken the boy, James’s boy? I know you wouldn’t have let him slip through your fingers.’

Snape let the bemused frown of regret crease his brow. ‘I don’t know … He had been moved when I got back to Grimmauld Place.’ He shook his head slowly. ‘I don’t know what became of him … I …’ he stammered as though unsure of himself.

‘You what? What happened when you got to Grimmauld Place?’ Regulus whispered, leaning across the table now. ‘Was Dumbledore there? Was that who took the boy?’

‘I don’t know … I had no one to ask,’ Snape replied quietly and dropped his head. It was enough; he wanted to get away now, he had done enough, and any more may well be too much. He began to stand, aware that the two Death Eaters at the next tables also made preparation to leave. ‘I … perhaps we can meet some other time, Black. I feel a headache coming on.’ He almost staggered as he got to his feet.

‘Of course,’ Regulus said in feigned concern. ‘Where are you staying? Can I accompany you home if you are unwell, at least to your door?’

‘No, no, I am fine … just a headache.’ Snape began to turn away.

‘I shall be in touch, Severus,’ Regulus said solicitously. ‘Where are you staying?’

‘I have a room at Hogwarts … it lets me keep my eye on …’ He swayed a little, and held the table as though for support. ‘I shall be fine.’

He began to walk away, knowing he was being followed. It didn’t matter; Sirius knew where to meet him, he would already be at Malfoy Manor.

*****

Lucius watched the barn owl tap at the window, and let go of a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding, as he recognised it as a Hogwarts owl. He flung open the window even before Sirius could get to it, and unrolled the scroll attached to her leg.

“My Dear Lucius. Just a brief letter to ask if perhaps we can meet next week some time to discuss your appointment to the Board of Governors. I shall be at Hogwarts all week; any day will do as well as another. Regards, Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster.”

Had Dumbledore’s message cancelled a fictitious meeting, it would have meant that there was either trouble, or that Snape had not returned.

Lucius looked to the darkening outside. He wasn’t quite sure why they had retired from the comfort of the drawing room to the warmth of the kitchen, but it had seemed like a good idea. Kitchen tables were made for sitting worrying around, with their constantly boiling kettles and endless cups of tea. ‘He’ll probably stay the night there; you know what Dumbledore’s like when he gets started,’ he said, taking the advantage of Lupin bending to scold Draco for lapping out of a saucer of milk he’d just laid on the floor for the cat, to give Sirius an openly inviting look.

‘I’m going to put this one to his bed,’ Lupin said as he straightened.

‘Yeah.’ Sirius dropped his eyes from Malfoy’s. ‘I’ll put Harry down too, in case Severus is late.’

Lucius watched them go. He doubted Severus would be back that night, but even if he were, it might not be a bad idea if he got annoyed enough with Black’s nonsense to drop him; perhaps that way there was a chance for him. Lucius didn’t intend to give up until he had Severus, not only where he wanted him, but under the conditions he had always wanted, and Snape had resisted so far with a resilience that bordered on insulting, but Lucius was remarkably thick-skinned where Severus was concerned.

Anyway, he was beginning to feel the odd man out in his own home. Lupin seemed content enough to float off to the delights of the girls at the Leaky Cauldron whenever the chance presented itself. The werewolf didn’t seem to be looking for a serious relationship, although Lucius had noticed the pretty little witch, who milked the cows and made the butter and cheese, looking speculatively at him a few times. He also knew things weren’t quite what they might be between Black and Severus. How could they be? What could Black possibly have to offer Severus that he didn’t? It was best this way, best to nip it in the bud, so to speak, before they became too involved with one another.

Severus had been right about the uncomfortable triangle; Lucius wanted Severus, Black wanted Lucius, and Severus didn’t much seem to want anybody but James. He satisfied himself that it was only sensible that at least one of them should get exactly what they wanted; it might as well be Lucius, to his way of thinking.

*****

Sirius bent over the cot and kissed the sleepy little boy’s forehead, closing his eyes for a moment as he always did when he looked at the scar, swearing as he always did that he would repay Voldemort for everything he had dealt out to Harry. He winked at the fairy whose turn it was to watch him that night, and she wiggled her bottom back at him. Cheeky little things fairies were, he thought with affection. Only once he bid Lupin goodnight and returned to his own room did he let himself think about Severus and Lucius.

He didn’t know where to send his thoughts first. He had loved Lucius for so long that it was just a nagging ache now; one that he dosed every now and again with his company, even in the knowledge that it would never be anything more than a fling for Malfoy. He didn’t know why he did this to himself, why he didn’t just let go, and yet even as he thought it, he began to realise that he almost had done just that, almost, but not quite. The truth was Sirius was frightened to let go completely, just in case Severus wasn’t there after all when he did.

For a time Sirius had hoped Severus and he would hit it off properly, unlikely as that had ever looked before a few months before, but now they were at the manor everything had changed again. The slow climb to the point they had reached just before they left Grimmauld Place had made him feel that he had finally built something he could rely on, but now Severus had become remote again. And then he thought of Lucius again; he loved Lucius, what did it matter if he were only picking at the scraps he was thrown, he was a dog after all. He tried to put Snape out of his mind; he was safe, Dumbledore had let them know that much, and Lucius was right, it was late now, and Dumbledore would want to attempt to fatten him up at one sitting.

He found his thoughts had drifted away from Lucius of their own accord, as he smiled to himself at the thought of Severus enduring hours of Dumbledore’s company with no one but Minerva to break the monotony, gritting his teeth in silent fury. Sirius decided just go to bed and wait for him; he was glad when he made his decision. He was already regretting having thrown his little tantrum the other day, and not having just got back into the bath. It had been stupid; after all Snape was never going to get out of the warm water when someone else was there to do it for him, it wasn’t as though Sirius didn’t know that. He was half-undressed when he felt the draught, as the bedroom door swung open, and all of his resolve passed Lucius Malfoy in the doorway.

*****

Snape had been very careful. He knew he was being followed, just as he knew that the outside of Hogwarts would be watched for quite a few days. As he approached the Apparition point disguised as Kingsley Shacklebolt, he noticed a man standing in the rain, pretending to be looking in the direction of Hogsmeade. It was very late; obviously Regulus’s troops took their work seriously. Snape smirked to himself; he hoped it would rain all night, perhaps tomorrow too.

For a time he had thought that he wasn’t going to get away from Dumbledore at all that night; he had talked him almost into a stupor. He knew if he allowed himself to be coerced into staying overnight he would also be expected to have breakfast at Hogwarts, and he would be lucky to be home by lunchtime the next day. Anyway, although he was loath to admit it to himself, he had decided he wanted to see Black. He had meant to go to his room after Sirius’s little tantrum in the bathroom, but he hadn’t quite got around to it, and had settled for sitting at the kitchen table with Lucius and Lupin and Black, agreeing to let him accompany him.

He supposed he really should try harder, but the trick was not letting Sirius know he was. On the other hand, Black had seemed to cool somewhat when they got to the manor, perhaps just the closeness of Lucius. Severus began to wonder if he had been imagining that, if he had just assumed something and had drawn back himself. Whoever was to blame, it was Black who had made the attempt again when he went to the bathroom two days before. Severus had tried to find a way to make what had happened Sirius’s fault, but he hadn’t managed. He should have just got out of the ruddy water himself, and let the ruddy owl in, and caught a ruddy head cold while he was at it … that would have kept everyone happy, he thought sourly. He couldn’t abide backing down, even to himself.

He was still thinking as he Apparated to the kitchen garden and pushed open the back door onto the almost dark kitchen, still under the guise of Kingsley; it would be another half-hour or so before the Polyjuice wore off. He made his way through to the front hallway, hardly surprised to find the house quiet and only a few wall sconces lit; everyone had gone to bed. He began to climb the stairs and found the werewolf coming down to meet him; he was all dressed up with somewhere to go. Snape laughed to himself at the thought of Lupin’s nocturnal ramblings, not quite missing his concerned look. For a moment he mistook it for disquiet at seeing Kingsley at the manor so late, but Lupin knew whose identity he had been going to take; it had been his idea, after all.

‘Severus,’ he said, rather more loudly than Snape would have expected. ‘I thought you’d stayed at Hogwarts.’

‘Apparently not,’ Snape replied and began to climb the stairs past Lupin, as he realised what was worrying him. ‘Am I to take it that you are not the only one who did not expect me back?’ He turned on the stairs. He didn’t need an answer; the werewolf’s damned worried frown said it all. ‘Oh, do not concern yourself, Lupin. I shall not disturb anyone else.’

*****

Sirius thought he would be first down for breakfast; he’d left Lucius trying to untangle his hair, and he knew Lupin would be late. The old wolf had been heading for the Three Broomsticks last night; Sirius thought he had a girl waiting for him. He was surprised to see Severus already drinking coffee; it was just as well he’d gone to his own room to get showered and dressed, the timing was neater than he’d expected.

‘I’d have thought Dumbledore would have at least given you breakfast, Severus,’ he said with a grin as he watched Malfoy come into the dining room and sit at his customary place.

‘Back early, Severus?’ Lucius said with his expensive smile. ‘Hogwarts’s breakfasts not up to scratch these days?’

Snape had replied to neither man, and now Lupin was coming in to sit at his own place. He looked from Snape to the other two men and back at Snape. ‘How did it go yesterday, Severus? What’s the story?’

‘I’m gratified that at least someone here wants to know just what happened. I was beginning to wonder if I had imagined leaving here at all,’ Snape replied. ‘It went much the way I expected it to, Lupin. Regulus waited until he thought I was under the influence of Veritaserum and began to question my allegiance. He also seems to have an altogether unhealthy interest in the whereabouts of Harry. I admit to being very concerned about that.’

‘He’s fine,’ Sirius offered with a grin. ‘I put him down last night. Have you seen him this morning?’ he asked.

‘Not this morning, Black, no,’ Snape replied without turning to him. ‘But he seemed as satisfied as everyone else in the manor last night.’

Sirius closed his eyes, there wasn’t any point in saying anything; when he opened them he caught sight of Lucius rubbing his fingers on his forehead as though he had a headache. Severus had stood from the table and was already walking out of the dining room. Sirius didn’t miss Lupin’s reproachful look either, as the werewolf rose a moment later and followed him out.

*****

Lucius found him in the walled garden. At first he thought he was talking to himself, or Alexus, and almost turned away to give him privacy, until he realised he had the little Potter boy in the crook of his arm.

‘Look, Severus,’ he began, ‘it’s nothing. We just didn’t expect you back and ...’ He broke off as Snape spun to him.

‘Do not feel the need to justify yourself to me, Lucius,’ Snape said coolly. ‘Not here. What you do under your own roof is your concern, and I can assure you it does not affect me in any way, as long as my own safety, and that of this boy, are not compromised. I care about nothing else; so do me the courtesy of sparing me your sordid little attempt at rationalising your behaviour,’ he snapped as he noticed Sirius standing in the gap in the wall that led from the rest of the garden. ‘I expect no more and no less from either of you.’

He crossed the walled garden to the gap, and was walking through it when Sirius grabbed his arm.

‘Don’t touch me, Black,’ he hissed, pulling away from him. ‘Don’t ever touch me again.’ He couldn’t understand why he felt so hurt as he clutched the baby boy to him and made his way back up the path to the manor.

*****

‘What do you mean, they’ve gone?’ Sirius asked as he stood in alarm.

‘I mean they aren’t here anymore, Black. What did you think I meant?’ Lucius replied, running his fingers through his mass of hair as though he’d find Snape and Harry nestling in the roots somewhere.

‘Fuck,’ Sirius snarled as he slammed his fist against the table. ‘He’ll be at Hogwarts. Surely he won’t have taken Harry to that … that place up north.’

Lupin gave the two of them a long hard look of disapproval as he stood up. ‘I’m disappointed in both of you,’ he said. ‘That wasn’t necessary, you know. There are courtesies involved in relationships if you ever want to make them last, other people’s feelings count too. If you didn’t want him, Sirius, you should just have told him.’ He gave Black another long look, before turning it on Lucius, lacing it with accusation as though he knew just what Malfoy was up to. Lucius at least had the good grace to look down, as much of an admission of guilt as anyone would ever get from him. ‘I’ll get in touch with Albus to check he’s there,’ Lupin went on in disgust.

‘I’ll do it,’ Lucius said.

‘Let Lupin do it,’ Sirius said. ‘I think we might have done enough.’

*****

It had been three weeks since Snape had moved out of the manor, and he knew that, but for Harry, he would have sunk himself back into the despair he’d felt at Spinner’s End. He couldn’t even enjoy the relative oblivion drink gave him, not with the boy to watch over, and the constant possibility that he might have to go to the manor at short notice if Regulus turned up.

He knew Lupin was concerned about that; he’d said as much when he’d been there yesterday, that because Snape had to leave Hogwarts to Apparate it would take too long, that and the fact that he would have to do so under the guise of Lucius. It was uncomfortable; he should not have distanced himself in this way, but he’d had to, he owed himself that much space from Black. And yet he couldn’t stop thinking about him; there was little else to take up his thoughts. Apart from one brief owl message, Regulus had gone quiet again, and it was reasonable to assume that he had contented himself with going back to keeping a weather eye on things from Grimmauld Place. Severus knew he was still there; the fairies had let him know that much. Dreadful gossips fairies were, telltales too, that was how he’d found out that Sirius had not slept with Lucius since he’d left.

Malfoy had come to Hogwarts only once since he’d left, full of what Severus thought was genuine contrition, but you never could tell with Lucius, consummate actor that he was. He’d literally begged Severus to go back, flinging every piece of emotional blackmail he could at him, using everyone from Sirius to Draco, and even accusing him of abandoning Alexus; it was at that point that Snape turned his wand on him. But Lucius had just stood there in the doorway, looking back over his shoulder with his most superior smile on his face. ‘If you won’t do it for anyone else, Severus, why not do it for yourself?’

He’d closed the door, leaving Severus staring at it. He couldn’t do that; he couldn’t back down. What if there were nothing there; what if Black weren’t sleeping with Malfoy through Lucius’s choice and not Sirius’s … what if whatever slender hopes he still harboured were dashed away? Perhaps that was why he’d left in the first place, just in case there was nothing left, and he could not even deny it to himself.

Severus stifled a sigh of impatience as Harry began to fret; this was another battle he was losing. He had flattered himself that he had the patience to look after a child, especially one that Dumbledore insisted he kept in his rooms in case someone at Hogwarts happened to mention his presence to someone else. Harry had become used to the freedom of crawling about Malfoy Manor with Draco; he missed the manor, he missed the other little boy, he missed the elves shrieking after them when they upset something or hid from them … even the fairies had become a bit glum.

He’d just picked Harry up when the diffident knock he recognised as Lupin’s sounded on the door; at least Lupin took his responsibilities seriously, he thought, pretending he wasn’t aiming his barb at himself. When he opened the door he was surprised to find Lupin wasn’t alone. A small boy preceded the werewolf into the room; he walked five steps and fell onto his bottom with a bump and began to cry, the tears stopping miraculously when he looked up at Snape, and saw Harry struggling to be put down on the floor.

‘When did he start walking?’ Snape asked, trying to hide his feeling of bitterness that he had even missed this once in a lifetime event.

Lupin blinked. ‘He didn’t … I mean right now … I just put him on the floor because he was struggling … I thought he was going to crawl in,’ he said with a silly smile of pride on his face. ‘Oh dear, Lucius won’t be pleased; he’s been trying to explain to him how to do it for days now.’

Neither man saw the fairy on Draco’s shoulder wink at the fairy that sat on the table watching Harry.

Lupin had begun to make tea. He’d come to see Severus every couple of days, never trying to talk him into going back, always alone with the exception of the time he had stayed upstairs when he’d accompanied Lucius. He just updated Snape with the fact that nothing much was happening. Lucius had received an owl from Regulus asking about his current status with Dumbledore, and suggesting again that he try to find out where Harry was, but he had not made any attempt to meet him, and Severus suspected he was biding his time. Snape had dictated the reply to Lupin when he’d called that afternoon, and nothing had been heard of him since.

‘It should be safe enough now, Severus,’ Lupin said as he passed Snape a mug of dark bitter tea, and patted his pockets down for his cigarettes.

‘What should?’

‘Well, you’ve covered the fact that you’ve got rooms here; you’ve been around for long enough for it to have looked like a permanent arrangement to anyone who was watching,’ Lupin replied. ‘It’s not unreasonable for you to have just moved on again; it wouldn’t be suspicious.’

Snape knew what he was doing; he could see the carrot, the little lure wrapped in a parcel of common sense. He had given him a way out; he hoped he had the balls to take it. ‘It might spur Regulus into trying to find me again,’ he said with a frown.

‘Don’t try to kid me that’s not what you want.’

‘What’s not?’ Severus asked, more defensively than he would have hoped.

‘You want Regulus to crawl back out of the woodwork,’ Lupin replied. ‘I know you do. You’re fed up with nothing happening … just look how moody you’re becoming.’

‘I beg your pardon?’ Snape retorted. ‘I am not moody.’

Lupin laughed. ‘Anyway, the boys miss one another.’ He looked across the room to where Harry and Draco were taking turns at eating scraps from the breakfast that Harry hadn’t wanted earlier; they had tipped it out of the bowl first, and were on all fours, dropping their heads to eat it off the floor like two small puppies. ‘Lucius and Sirius think that you’ve come here to verify what you told Regulus. You don’t have any backing down to do, Severus,’ Lupin said quietly. ‘I know that’s worrying you.’

Snape found himself nodding reluctantly. He had valued Lupin’s company this past three weeks, his undemanding candour, his way of not looking as though he were skirting the very issues he was avoiding. ‘I don’t know, Lupin. I don’t know if I can do that to myself again.’

‘He’s not James, Severus. He doesn’t have anyone else, and no one else has a claim on him,’ Lupin replied. ‘You know it was all Lucius’s doing anyway. He … well you know what he’s like; if he can’t get what he wants by fair means, he doesn’t mind getting it by foul … and Sirius was just weak enough to be taken in by him.’

‘I know that,’ Snape admitted.

‘It would probably be easier if we both went back at the same time. We’d Apparate separately of course, but I’d meet you outside. We could go to the Apparition point in the grove, instead of the kitchen garden. It would be easy, Severus, I promise.’

‘You’ve got it all worked out, haven’t you?’

Lupin nodded. ‘I gave the two of them another real tongue-lashing to prepare the way last night; in fact I’m surprised Lucius hasn’t thrown me out. I accused them of not even bothering to find out how you were getting on, when you’d taken the step of placing yourself in such isolation for so long for their benefit.’

Snape said nothing.

‘I told them to make sure they dredged up a little interest when you came back today. I told Sirius you were furious that he hadn’t even bothered to write to you. I must admit he looked a bit surprised, before the worry took over. But anything was better than the way he’s moped about for the last three weeks.’

‘Well done, werewolf,’ Snape said dryly. ‘You have quite worn me down. But you did cheat.’ He looked across to where Draco had stood unsurely, putting one hand to a chair to steady himself and holding the other one to Harry.

‘Of course I did. It’s not only foxes who’re wily; wolves can have their moments too.’

*****