It Was Only A Kiss!

Chapter Twelve

Sirius headed back to the castle and climbed into bed, ignoring the glow of wand light he saw behind Remus' curtains. The next day, he rebuffed all of the werewolf's attempts to talk to him, to find out why, all of a sudden, there was a distance between them. When James and Peter arrived back on New Years Day complaining about their respective holidays with their relatives, the boys were barely speaking, let alone visiting each other in the dark of night.

Remus, confused by his friend’s sudden coolness, had at first tried to talk to him about what was bothering him, but each time he was pushed away with a curt ‘I’m fine, Remus.’
He had refused to accept that as an answer at first, but when Sirius flung, ‘I’m not your fucking boyfriend, Lupin. Go find a girl to talk to about your feelings‘ at him, he gave up, more hurt than he wanted to admit by the rejection.

Classes began again and six week into the term, Sirius had regained his reputation as a lothario, shagging his way through the willing females of Hogwarts in an effort to prove to himself and Remus that he was most definitely heterosexual. But no matter how many girls he buried himself in, or that knelt before him, the emptiness inside him continued to grow, and Sirius was frustrated and frightened when the gaping chasm remained just as deep and cavernous as it had been before the unsatisfying sex.

Remus watched Sirius as he left the dorm every night, and was still awake when he returned, stinking of sweat and semen and sex, and his hurt and confusion slowly morphed into anger. He felt the wolf inside him stirring as he never had before: the creature a snarling, seething fury that made it almost impossible for him to be around Sirius, afraid of what he might do to the other boy. And it was this anger and frustration at Sirius' lack of concern for Remus or their dying friendship, that led to Remus accepting a date to Hogsmeade with Diane Kenny on Valentine’s Day.

~*~*~

'Diane?' James said in surprise when Remus broke the news that Saturday morning. 'But I thought you...'

He bit off the rest of his sentence, shooting a quick glance at Sirius then, seeing his stony face, looked back at Remus. 'Good for you, Moony.'

'Yeah,' said Peter, with a bewildered smile. 'Don't forget: we want details.'

Remus smiled and, pointedly ignoring Sirius, waved goodbye before collecting his date from her giggling gaggle of girlfriends.

Sirius glared at the couple from under his eyelashes as they left the common room, telling himself he was only upset that Remus had deserted the Marauders for the pretty Sixth Year.

I don’t give a flying Flobberworm's backside who he goes out with.

'Alright, Padfoot?'

Sirius gritted his teeth and glared at James as he pushed himself to his feet.

'Fine,' he snapped impatiently. 'Come on then. What are we waiting for?'

~*~*~

‘Sirius, what in the name of Merlin is wrong with you today? You’re not listening to a word I say and what has poor Moony done to deserve those holes you've been burning into him all day?’

Sirius spun around, his eyes leaving Remus and Diane, who were laughing together across the street.

‘He knew we were going to Zonko’s to get more supplies today,' he said sulkily. 'He’s supposed to be helping, not off shagging some bird.’

Peter laughed. ‘Do you know how many times we’ve said the same thing about you, Padfoot?'

Sirius shot him a dirty look and stomped ahead of them down the still-snowy street to Zonko’s.

Peter and James exchanged glances, both looking a little nervous. They’d noticed how close Remus and Sirius had become before the holidays and were surprised by the distinct frostiness between them now. They had been even more surprised when Peter made a joking remark about a lover’s tiff and both boys had reacted strongly before they hastily tried to laugh the comment off. Arguments between the two boys never lasted too long, but this time, a month and a half later, the disagreement still hadn't been resolved and both boys were refusing to discuss what had happened.

The full moon had been tough this month as well. Prongs had been run off his hooves as he fought to keep Moony away from Padfoot; the wolf becoming unusually aggressive around the companion it normally held so dear. Sirius had refused to comment when he changed back into his human form at sunrise and, although his concern for the sleeping Remus was clear, for the first time in a long time, Peter's was the face Remus had woken up to.

James, although caught up in the loveliness that was Lily Evans right now, was still a smart lad and already had his suspicions about the boys relationship; Peter, although not as well equipped in the brains department, was extremely observant and had formed his own opinion as to what might be going on. They had both separately begun putting two and two together before they shared their thoughts with each other, but together, they were a formidable team and far too brilliant to add all the clues up incorrectly.

James watched Sirius depart and mumbled,‘I still can’t believe it.’

Peter shook his head. ‘James, he’s jealous. He’s got to be. Why else would he be carrying on like this about a date when he hasn’t given a damn about anything else Remus has been up to lately?’

‘Mmm,' James acquiesced. 'Remus is on a date, though, Pete. With a girl. Doesn’t that mean we were wrong?’

‘Maybe that’s why Padfoot’s pissed off,' Peter suggested with a shrug. 'Maybe he’s angry that Remus isn’t…you know…like that and he thought he was.’

James frowned as he considered this. ‘We still don’t know for sure that Sirius is like that.’ He hesitated. ‘Should we just ask them if they are…?’

‘Do you really want to know?’

James grimaced at the thought of Sirius talking to him about shagging other blokes and shook his head.

‘No, I’m not sure that I do, and if we ask and we’re wrong... Well, let’s just make sure that if we ever do ask, we hide their wands first.’

‘Agreed.’

James looked across the street to where Remus and Diane were now talking to Frank Longbottom and his girlfriend, Alice.

‘You know, I was sure Remus would be the one who was a p…' He stopped. 'Shit. Do we call them gay? Will they get upset if we call them poofs?’

‘I'm not really up on the appropriate etiquette when addressing a gay friend. And I’ve never thought you were particularly sensitive to that type of thing, Prongs.’

‘Git! I’ve never had a friend who was...one before.’

‘Well, we still don’t know that we do. We still aren't sure if either of them are…gay. Maybe we’re imagining it.’

‘Mmm, maybe.'

Down the street, Sirius poked his dark head out the door of the shop and looked around, eyes narrowed when he saw they hadn't moved.

‘What are you women gossiping about? Will you get your arses in here and help me decide if I want to turn Snivellus purple or if I want him to sprout horns?'

~*~*~

Sirius’ mood picked up during the day and by the time they stepped through the portrait hole, he seemed to have returned to his normal self. That is until they entered the common room to the sight of Remus sitting with Diane on the couch. Or, more accurately, until they saw Diane almost in Remus’ lap on the couch - the two joined at the lip.

‘Merlin, Moony!’ Peter squawked in surprise and the pair broke apart.

Remus flushed as his eyes fell on the trio, but his gaze quickly shifted from James and Peter to Sirius, his tiny bashful and slightly puzzled smile fading when he saw the other boy’s undisguised look of hurt and anger. Sirius must have realised that his feelings were splashed all over his face, and he quickly blinked, rearranging his features to a blandness that was almost as disconcerting as the previous pained expression.

‘Don’t let us interrupt your snogfest, Remus,' he lashed out spitefully. 'Carry on.’

Irritated that his words had come out snappish rather than in the blasé tone he’d been aiming for, he turned on his heel and stomped loudly up the stairs. Remus watched him go with a confused look on his face then looked over at the two remaining Marauders.

‘Is...is he alright?’

James and Peter glanced at each other then James shrugged. ‘He’s been a bit moody today. Nothing to worry about, Moony. Must be his time of the month.’

Remus nodded slowly then, with one last puzzled glance up the stairs, he turned back to listen to Diane with a distracted expression on his face. James and Peter reluctantly followed Sirius up the stairs - thankful the tempestuous brunette was in the bathroom when they got there.

'What do you make of all that?' James asked and Peter's brow creased thoughtfully.

'I think that it's only a matter of time before this...thing...between them explodes. And I do not want to be there when it does.'

~*~*~

The atmosphere at dinner was colder than Antarctica with Sirius ignoring Remus completely, and Remus becoming increasingly annoyed by the other boy’s moodiness. He overcompensated by holding a loud and raucous conversation with James and Peter whilst shooting side-long glances at the Animagus. Sirius became more and more withdrawn as he poked at his food.

After the meal, however, he stood immediately, claiming loudly and with a pointed glance at Remus, that he had a hot date. He could feel Remus' eyes on him as he left the hall and kept up his studly swagger until he was out of sight, then he slumped in on himself, feeling more miserable than he ever had before. He walked dejectedly across the grounds until he reached the Great Lake then he sat down on the damp ground under a tree and sighed, staring up at the clear night sky.

It was a crisp night and he wished he’d gone up to the dorm to get a coat first, but had to get out of there before he did or said something stupid. He had to get away from Remus and that wide smile that was all for James and Peter tonight, and those damnable blue eyes that steadfastly refused to look his way, and that scent that he wished with everything inside him that he couldn’t smell, but then couldn't stop himself from deliberately inhaling so every breath was scented with Remus.

He didn’t understand what was wrong with him. He’d had plenty of dates over the last couple of months; of course Remus should do the same. They weren‘t dating, for Merlin‘s sake! Remus could see whatever tramp he wanted to...

So why did he feel as though there was a monster inside him, clawing and scratching, wanting to burst through his chest and sink its fangs into Diane Kenny’s pretty face and make her so unappealing that she wouldn’t be kissing anyone again?

A thought struck him with the force of a speeding Bludger and he sat up ramrod straight.

Am I fucking jealous?

He couldn’t be.

He had been the one to call off their nocturnal excursions to each others’ beds. He was the one who had shagged just about every attractive bird of legal age in the castle. If he was jealous, that meant that he wanted Remus, didn’t it? That he wanted to be the one kissing him and touching him and whispering in his ear?

But he didn’t…

‘I don’t.’

His whispered words were weak and unconvincing, even to his own ears and Sirius scrubbed hard at his face, fighting frustrated and confused tears.

It's just getting off. That's all this thing with Remus is and I can give it up anytime.

Even as he thought the words, he knew they weren't true.

'Sweet Merlin, what the hell is happening to me?' Sirius whispered then he jumped as he heard a voice above him.

‘Thought this would be where you’d come to sulk.’

Sirius’ felt his heart rate pick up and frowned, trying to will it to slow down, telling the misbehaving muscle sternly that it wasn‘t right that it sped up at just the sound of his friend‘s voice. He looked over at Remus warily as the other boy sat down next to him, but the werewolf didn't say anything else. He just settled himself on the cold ground and looked out over the lake.

Neither boy spoke for several minutes and Sirius grew more tense by the second, uncomfortably aware of Remus' nearness as the heat rising from the werewolf's body warmed his own. But when the stand-off hit the ten minute mark, the brunette finally snapped, making a growling noise and standing up with the intention of stomping back to the castle in a theatrical huff.

But Remus’ soft voice stopped him in his tracks.

‘You can’t ignore me forever, Padfoot.’

Sirius scowled and glared down at Remus. ‘I can bloody well try.’

Remus shook his head, still staring out over the lake. ‘The others are starting to wonder what’s going on.’

‘They can wonder all they like,' Sirius snapped. 'There’s nothing going on, is there?’

‘You can stop sounding so damn resentful about it,' Remus bit back, looking up at Sirius. 'You stopped coming to me, Sirius. You turned me away every time I tried to come to you to talk.’

‘I wasn’t in the mood to talk!'

‘You were punishing me for suggesting you could be anything but straight.’

‘Was not.’

‘Were too.’

Sirius felt his anger at the werewolf rising and spat, ‘Bugger off, Moony. Go back to Diane.’

‘Is that what this is about?' Remus asked in disbelief. 'I can see who I want, Sirius. You shag anything that moves…’

‘I don’t care who you fucking snog, mate!'

‘Then why won’t you bloody look at me!’

Remus pushed himself to his feet and glared at the brunette.

‘The only times you’ve even glanced my way today, you may as well have been shooting silver bullets at me,' Remus said in a shaking voice. He must have heard the waver because he tried to clear his throat before he said softly, 'Merlin, Padfoot. Do you really hate me that much?’

Sirius looked stricken and his own voice trembled. ‘I don’t hate you, Remus. I could never...’

‘Then why are you looking at me as if you’d love nothing more than to see me dead or at the very least in a great deal of pain? Is it because I dared to make the great Sirius Black wonder if he might be gay?’

The anger returned with the force of a tidal wave and washed away all of Sirius' self-control.

‘You’re a bloody hypocrite!’

‘W…what?’ Remus said with a frown.

Sirius couldn't be stopped now. 'You told me you thought you were gay then you went out and snogged some bird!’

‘You’ve been shagging half the fucking school!’ Remus shouted suddenly and Sirius felt a little dart of triumph that he'd made Remus lose some of that tightly-held restraint as he snapped back.

‘But I never claimed to be gay!’

Remus looked as though Sirius had slapped him. ‘I wasn’t sure what I was. I wanted to talk to you, my friend, about it, but you shot me down.’

‘Well, you sorted it out without me from the looks of that display in the common room,' Sirius said nastily and Remus paled.

‘No, I haven’t…’

‘It looked like you were pretty straight while you were snogging Diane tonight,' Sirius taunted, perversely pleased he was rattling the usually serene werewolf.

‘That…that wasn’t right,' Remus stammered, a flush spreading across his pale cheeks. 'She kissed me, but I didn’t stop her. I wanted to know...' He looked up at Sirius with a frown. 'I have to know who I am, Sirius. How can you stand all the uncertainty?’

Sirius' defences rose again and he took a low shot. ‘So is that why you came down here after me? You want to double check if you’re a fag or not?'

Remus’ eyes narrowed and his lip lifted in a snarl rarely seen on his human face.

‘Fuck you, Black!'

‘You wish!' Sirius snorted, crossing his arms. 'Or maybe you want me to go down on you? Will that help you make up your mind, Remus?' He shook his head, ignoring the warning growl from Remus.

'Why do you have to take everything so fucking seriously, make it so complicated? Everything was fine - we were just fooling around and you have to try and turn us fucking gay... oomph!’

Remus’ fist collided with his chin, the force behind it making the brunette stagger. He fell back against the tree behind him then raised a hand to his face as he regained his balance, staring in disbelief at a furious looking Remus.

‘You hit me! Shit, Remus…!’

Sirius didn't have a chance to say anything else as Remus' mouth came down on his hard, teeth clashing with a sharp clink and the werewolf's hands cupped his face firmly. The air was violently expelled from Sirius’ lungs as Remus slammed him back into the tree trunk and he was caught between the unyielding wood and Remus‘ determined lips. The other boy’s tongue was trying to push its way into his mouth and, disgusted by his complete lack of willpower when it came to Remus, Sirius surrendered.

He eagerly parted his lips to allow Remus' soft muscle entry then a long, tortured moan escaped them both as their tongues swept over each other. The mingled sounds of need were swallowed by their greedy mouths, and Sirius‘ frantic mind tried to hang on to what was left of his excuses as he attempted to find some reason in what was happening.

A kiss from another boy shouldn’t make his bones melt, shouldn’t make his heart speed up, shouldn’t make it impossible to breathe, and it sure as hell shouldn’t make him as hard as he was right now. His tongue stroked along Remus' of its own accord and the werewolf moaned, deepening the kiss. The surge of lust and need that hit Sirius was immediate - as was the realisation that, Merlin help him, he had missed this.

He wanted this.

His hands grasped the front of Remus’ shirt, fisting the material tightly between his fingers as he tried to remain upright while his mind closed down to everything but sensation. Remus pressed up against him and Sirius groaned when he felt that the werewolf was every bit as aroused as he was. The brunette’s hand snuck down, gripping the other boy’s long erection through his trousers, and Remus cried out into his mouth. Sirius echoed the cry when he felt Remus’ hand close around his own length and rub, sending jolts of pleasure ricocheting through his body.

Sirius’ unoccupied hand blindly groped for the other boy’s arse, fingers sinking into that soft flesh as he pulled Remus tighter against him, thrusting his hips so their cocks dragged over each other. With a loud groan, Remus tore his mouth from Sirius’, burying his face in the Animagus' neck then biting down lightly as he shifted his hands to fumble with Sirius’ belt. Once the leather strap was undone, Remus yanked Sirius’ zipper down roughly before warm, slightly rough hands spread the fabric and forced their way into his boxers. Sirius swore loudly as Remus’ fingers brushed over the smooth, hard flesh encased in the cotton underwear and, only thinking about how much he wanted to make Remus feel as good as he did, he unfastened the other boy's fly with badly shaking hands.

He tugged Remus' boxers down far enough to allow the long, smooth erection to spring free then he pulled his own pants down to his knees to expose his own weeping cock to the cool night air. He gasped in shock at the contrast of hot skin and cold air, but - damn it to hell - he ached for Remus to put his hands on him.

‘Touch me, Sirius.’

Remus’ timely demand was growled into Sirius’ ear and he shivered with the knowledge that Remus needed this as much as he did. The deep rumble of the werewolf’s voice sent little pulses of pleasure cascading down his spine and straight to his cock which Remus now began to stroke. Sirius quickly reciprocated, closing his hand around Remus’ shaft and shutting his eyes as he tugged, long and slow strokes at first, thumb rubbing over the tip like he himself enjoyed. He realised Remus was matching him stroke for stroke, copying his movements, and he understood that the other boy was trying to learn how to touch him. Sirius eagerly showed him, the realisation that Remus wanted him, wanted to please him, nearly making him finish before he wanted to. He squeezed Remus' cock and the werewolf whimpered before catching Sirius' lips again in a sloppy, desperate, clumsy kiss that grew in intensity as their hands sped up and thier breathing became harsh and loud in the quiet of the grounds.

‘R…Remus!’

The involuntary cry slipped from his lips as Sirius reached his end, arching into Remus' hand one last time. His eyes rolled back in his head as the powerful orgasm made his knees shake, the unsteady limbs threatening to give way and send him crashing to the ground. As the aftershocks crashed over him, he barely noticed when a hand wrap around his stalled one and stroked, coming back into himself in time to see Remus' eyes widen before his head fell onto Sirius' shoulder as he gave into his own release. The trembling werewolf leaned heavily into Sirius, biting down on his covered shoulder to stifle a loud exclamation as he spilled all over his friend's hand.

They stood like that, hands wrapped around softening cocks and leaning into the other for support, until their breathing slowed. Remus was the first to pull away, pointing his wand at each of them in turn and casting Cleansing spells before pulling up his pants. He avoided Sirius’ eye as he tucked the wand back into his pocket and turned to look back out over the lake.

‘If you’re going in now, I might stay here for a few minutes to think,' he said softly, his voice trembling.

Sirius pulled up his pants and fought down the inexplicable hurt that rose inside him with the werewolf's words. After that fucking incredible moment, Remus wanted to get rid of him?

‘And what if I want to stay?

He let out a sharp breath, regretting his churlish tone instantly, and tried again.

‘I'm sorry. Could...could I stay with you, Moony?’

The brown haired boy sat down, drawing his knees to his chest and resting his head on them.

‘I can’t stop you.’

Sirius shoved his hands in his pockets, uncharacteristically unsure about what to do, then Remus reached a hand up and grabbed the waistband of his pants, pulling him down beside him.

‘And you complain about me over thinking things.’

Sirius let out a breath of laughter and mimicked Remus’ pose. They sat quietly for several minutes, lost in their own thoughts.

Remus watched a bird swooping down close to the lake as his mind wandered. He was far more realistic about the issue of his sexuality than Sirius, who seemed to have enthusiastically latched onto Peter’s words that everyone experimented and was hanging onto them for dear life. Remus, however, was nothing if not practical, and he knew that not all straight guys did what he and Sirius had been doing and if they did, they almost certainly didn’t enjoy it as much as they were. And Diane, though a pretty damn good kisser, had done absolutely nothing for him. If a pretty, shapely girl with a talented tongue could not stop him thinking about the kisses he‘d shared with his friend, there really was only one logical conclusion that could be drawn.

He was gay.

He turned slightly to look at Sirius, who was picking absently at his fingernails. Remus wasn’t sure if it was fear or true denial that stopped Sirius from considering the possibility that he might not be the ladies man he thought he was. Maybe this really was just fooling around for him, maybe he was bisexual, but all Remus knew at the moment was that he had missed this, missed them being together, and was willing to forgo any further discussion about their sexuality in order to be able to keep being with Sirius. He wasn’t proud of his lack of pride in allowing this arrangement to continue but…fuck it all…he really wanted to be able to touch Sirius again.

He cleared his throat.‘I won’t mention the ‘g‘ word again, Pads. I promise. If you’re confident about your sexuality then good for you and I won't mention it again.’

Sirius looked over at him with a frown. ‘Does that mean you’re still not confident? About yourself?’

‘I…am pretty sure about it actually but…I won’t talk about it with you again.’

‘I…I don’t want you to hold stuff back, Moony,' Sirius said with a deepening frown. 'You can talk to me about yourself, I just…' He shook his head. 'I’m straight, Remus. I have to be straight.’

Remus caught the edge of desperation in Sirius’ voice and suddenly realised that there was more to the other boy’s insistence than met the eye.

‘It’s alright, Pads. You know no matter what happens, what you decide to do, I’m your friend.’

‘Really?’ Sirius said gratefully and Remus nodded.

‘Of course.’

Sirius smiled for what felt like the first time in weeks, and slung his arm in what he hoped was a casual way around Remus’ shoulders.

‘Thanks, Moony.’

Remus smiled and his gaze moved to Sirius' chin. ‘And I’m sorry I hit you.’

Sirius waved his free hand dismissively, even though it had been quite a good punch. ‘That little tap? I barely felt it. Forget it.’

They both laughed and Sirius’ arm tightened around the werewolf’s shoulder, both of them relishing the contact. They were quiet for another moment then Remus spoke hesitantly.

‘Can I come and visit you later, Pads? After the others are asleep?’

‘If you want,' said Sirius evasively, but Remus wasn't having it.

‘Do you want?’

There was another, longer pause then Sirius whispered,‘Yes. Yes, Moony. I want.’

TBC...