What Have I Done?

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Larentia sighed and shook her head at the seventh year standing in front of her like a young protector. She’d lost count of how many students she’d had to talk down from confronting the misjudged Potions Master. Poor Severus, what he must be going through with all these well meaning kids.

“No, you’ve heard the wrong information.” She said for what felt like the hundredth time. “Professor Snape actually was the one who-found me. If it weren’t for his quick thinking, well I’m afraid to think of what might have happened.”

The seventh year shrugged and gave her a confused smile. “But, the portraits said-“

She sighed again. “The portraits only saw him levitating me to the hospital wing. Honestly if it weren’t for Sev-Professor Snape’s quick thinking I might not be standing here today.”

Her protector nodded and turned to leave. Hopefully her persistence in telling all these kids her cleaned up version of the events would keep them from doing something silly, like offering to duel the dour Potions Master. She’d rather they keep out of it, for their own safety. She rather doubted that Severus would be able to keep his calm if he was hexed by a well meaning member of the student body.

Larentia turned back to her desk and saw the towering heap of parchments that she still had to grade. If she hadn’t spent most of her planning period putting out fires, she’d probably have managed to work through half of them. Now she’d have to work through dinner to get them finished before tomorrow’s lessons. Sure, she could leave them for a night and pray that tomorrow there would be no fires to stomp out, but the way this week had gone, she doubted she’d seen the last of the youthful defenders of her honor.

She heard footsteps outside her door as she sat down. She hoped it wasn’t another one of the students coming to denounce Severus and praise Remus. It was hard, she thought as she heard the door open, hard to listen to the ideas running through the student body and, if she wasn’t mistaken, faculty thoughts were on the same warpath. She looked up to see who was coming for the next round of blame and her lips curved into a smile.

“Hmmm, you’re probably the only person in this school that greets me with a smile,” he said as he leaned over to brush his lips against hers.

She raised her hands to slide through his hair and hold him to her for a deeper kiss than he intended. Her mouth opened under his and she sighed as his tongue flicked against hers. He pulled back, nipping at her full bottom lip before raising his mouth to land a kiss on the end of her nose. His eyes locked on hers, the dark depths burning into hers.

“I don’t believe that,” she whispered, inches from his face. “I’m pretty sure that Albus smiles at you too.”

He pulled out of her grasp and stood up, towering over her. He was smirking again, his black hair curtains down the sides of his face. He was dressed, as always, in yards of black and what seemed like millions of buttons. And he took her breath away.

“Yes, well,” he stopped, unwilling to say what an insufferable old fool her godfather was in front of her.

She smiled up at him. “To what do I owe the pleasure of having you in my office, Severus?” He’d only come here once before, on the first day she’d been back to her regular schedule. And he knocked her breathless against the bookshelves that day. Apparently he didn’t consider that overstimulation and she wasn’t planning on telling Madame Pomfrey about her workout anyway.

He walked around her desk, touching the wood as he walked. Then he turned his back on her while he inspected her one of the bookshelves that made up the walls of her office. “I just wanted to see you, I suppose. I, well I like seeing you away from-“

“Remus,” she whispered, understanding. Outside of her office, Remus was pretty much her constant companion. It was like having a large, more substantial shadow. For once, since she started seeing him, she was rather looking forward to the full moon.

He turned back to face her and she could see that it was grating on him, her not choosing. She sighed again and stood up. Walking toward him, she considered her choices for the millionth time. Remus or Severus, Severus or Remus. It was like a balancing act and no matter which choice she made, someone was falling. She stepped up to his body and rested her head on his chest, listening to his heart beating. His arms wrapped around her automatically and he bent his head to kiss her curls.

“I’m sorry,” she said, muffled against his chest. “I wish it were simpler, for everyone.”

He sighed above her. “I understand, well actually I don’t completely understand. I’m trying to understand.” He wished she would just let the puppy off his leash and realize she should be with him. But with Remus shadowing her every move, well aside from her office hours and classes, it was harder for him to find time to be with her. Not that he minded pushing her against her bookshelves and making them both mindless for a quickie, but he wanted more.

She pulled back and looked up at him. “You should just push me away. I’m not making this easier for anyone.”

He pressed her against him again. “No, you’re not. I can’t understand it, you seem to know your mind very well, so why is this decision so difficult for you?”

“Because it’s not my head that’s worrying over it. It’s my heart, Severus. I can’t stand hurting either one of you.” She sighed and reached up to cup his cheek in her hand. “What if I choose wrong?” Her forehead crinkled with worry and he raised his hand to smooth the wrinkles.

“You know you have to choose. It isn’t, there cannot be three people in this type of relationship, Larentia.” He knew he sounded harsh, but really, putting it off wasn’t making things easier on anyone.

“I know,” she pressed her face against his chest again, inhaling his sandalwood scent. “You’re right, of course. Could you do me a favor?” She waited, knowing that he wouldn’t like this favor anymore than Remus was going to.

“What type of favor?” He asked, suspicious.

She sighed again, it was quickly becoming her most useful expression. “I need time alone, without you or Remus, so I can decide.”

“You want me to leave you alone?” He warred with his face, to keep his expression neutral to keep from frowning at the thought of not having any time with her.

“Just, just long enough so I can decide who I can’t live without.” She said, pulling away and stepping back. “I’ve been thinking about what I could do to push for a decision, and it’s the only thing I can come up with.”

He did frown at that one. She’d been racking her brain and this was the best she could come up with? How would staying away convince her that he was who she should be with? Then again, with Remus trailing her like the lost pup he was, she could probably use the alone time. And he could bet that the werewolf wasn’t going to like this new stipulation and he’d fight against it. Maybe giving in was just what he needed to get what he wanted most. Her. His.

He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down his nose at her. “Fine, I can live with giving you time and space, if that’s what it takes to make up your mind. There’s one thing I want to leave with you, before I go.”

She smiled up at him, another heartbreaking smile. “What’s that?” She asked, turning to walk back to her chair.

He stopped her with a hand on her arm. She turned back to him and could almost feel the heat coming from his eyes. He took the two steps necessary to be closer to her, towering over her. His fingers lifted her chin, so she was looking into his eyes before ducking his head toward hers. She could feel his breath on her lips as he whispered, “My heart,” before caressing her lips with his. Her arms wound around his neck and see gave herself over to the kiss.

He pulled away first, reaching back to hold her hands in his own. His dark eyes seared into hers. He pulled her hands from around his neck and let them drop to her sides. Then he did the hardest thing, he turned and walked away.