Up the Duff

:::::::::::::


Severus rushed out of the infirmary after the pictogram, cursing both Lucius Malfoy and Tom Riddle to Hades and back under his breath.

He was fairly certain that the spirits had just retreated to his empty classroom when he felt them leave, but you just never knew with those two.

The Professor stalked determinedly into the empty room. “Malfoy!” He hissed.

Hearing a sound behind him, Severus swirled around to find a name writing itself on his blackboard.

Lucius.

“Is the Dark Lord with you?” The Professor asked nervously.

More scratching on the board. Yes.

The potions master breathed a sigh of relief. At least he knew where they were now.

“No one can be allowed to know you’re here.” Resolution was clear on Severus's face. “Unless you two want the whole damn castle trying to exorcize you both into limbo forever.”

Scratching at the board. Agreed.

Severus was so intent on tracking down his erstwhile specters that he never realized that Narcissa had quietly followed just a few moments behind him when he left the the infirmary, until she abruptly spoke to him from near the door to his class.

“You miss him don’t you?”

A guilty jump and a yelp as she stepped further into the room did nothing to help him appear innocent.

“Who?” Severus looked shifty.

Narcissa put her hands on her hips. “Don’t play dumb with me Severus Snape. You know damn well who.”

She pointed accusingly to the board. “Lucius.”

“Ummmm.. I-I…” Severus trailed off.

Narcissa stepped up closer to her lover and took his arm in hers. “Its okay to miss him Sev.” She lay her head against his shoulder. “I miss him too.”

Severus sank down behind one of the students desk, and Narcissa slid into the chair right beside him.

“I didn’t know how you really felt about it.” He admitted. “You never say much about him anymore.”

“Well…” Narcissa looked thoughtful. “I guess its because when I say I miss Lucius; I mean; I miss the Lucius that I married. The Lucius that was Draco’s father. The Lucius that was my best friend and husband before Lord Voldermort came back to wreck and ruin him.”

Lucius could feel Tom shifting uncomfortably beside him.

“I don’t miss the Lucius that was a selfish bastard of a death eater.” She said softly. “Him I hated.”

Lucius winced. The truth hurt.

“I miss the boy that took me out on our first date.” Narcissa smiled, remembering.

“Our first date is right.” Severus chuckled.

“Professor Sinastra said that we three made the cutest couple.”

“Our second date….. The three of us in Hogsmeade.”

Narcissa giggled. “I was beginning to think Lucius was never going to take me anywhere alone.”

“Me too.” Severus snickered. “He was afraid of you.”

“The first second I’m dead he starts blabbing everything.” Lucius grumbled.

“Really?” Narcissa looked at him curiously. “Why?”

A smile tugged at the corners of the potion masters lips. “He said that you were the most beautiful thing that he had ever seen. He was scared stiff that you might not like him.” Severus smirked. “I was the official Malfoy security blanket.”

“That’s so sweet though.” Narcissa smiled. “You know…. At first I was a little surprised that Lucius asked me out at all.”

“Why?”

“Truthfully?”

Severus sighed. “Yes, of course truthfully.”

Narcissa leered broadly. “I thought the two of you were an item.”

Lucius stiffened noticeably.

Severus nodded. “A lot of people thought it.” He grinned. “Luckily everyone was too afraid of Lucius to ask.”

Narcissa gave Severus an appraising look. “Now you tell me the truth Sev.” She nudged him playfully. “Did you ever? With Lucius?”

Tom Riddle was beginning to wonder if it was possible for a ghost to have an apoplectic fit, because Lucius looked dangerously close to being on the verge of one. "Don’t you dare…" He snarled at Severus.

“Well…” Severus smirked back at her. “There was this one time….”“

"NO! NO! NO!” Lucius wailed like a banshee and covered his face with his hands..

Narcissa scooted closer. “Do tell!”

“No!” Lucius hollered, looking up. “Don’t tell!”

“Well…. We were drunk…” Severus grinned evilly. He could just picture Lucius’s face at this very moment. He savored the image in his mind. He’d teach that pure blooded brat to slip him his own “full of shit potion.”

Narcissa was all ears. “And?”

Severus looked his lover straight in the eye. “He fell.”

“He… fell…” Narcissa looked confused.

“Please don’t….” Lucius begged.

“Oh yes.” Severus nodded confirmation. “He fell and apparently…… he somehow managed to land on my dick.”

Narcissa’s eyes went wide. Lucius started to look around for a weapon. Nothing was at hand. It was all just school stuff. Maybe he could smack Severus in the head with a book?


“Because I had blacked out for a short while after we got back to the dorm…” Severus let his eyes roam the room, knowing that Lucius was listening helplessly. “And when I came to….. I had my dick buried so far up Lucius’s arse that I wasn’t sure I would ever find my way out again.”

" Really?!" Narcissa’s mouth was hanging wide open. “ What was it like?”

“Incredible.” Severus’s eyes glazed over a little. “Hot and tight and I could feel Lucius’s muscle spasms when he was coming on my cock.” He held his hand up, tightening and releasing his fist in imitation. “At first…. I was shocked at what I was doing; but I was already wayyyyyyy too far gone to stop.”

“What did you do?” Narcissa asked breathlessly. Lucius moaned pitifully, head again hidden in his hands.

Severus’s lips twitched. “I seem to remember thrusting into him a few more times, then burying my face in his hair and screaming “Malfoy!” while I came like a motherfucker.”

“I’m going to kill you Severus.” Lucius hissed, looking around again. There had to be a weapon somewhere in this God forsaken classroom!

For a few moments Severus and Narcissa just sat there quietly. Neither saying a word, then Narcissa whispered, “Fuck! That’s hot!”

Lucius’s head jerked up. Incredulity clear on his face.

Severus nodded. “I passed out again right after I came.” He sat up a little straighter. “The next morning Lucius was already up and gone by the time I woke up. He never mentioned it again…. The only time I ever tried to, he mumbled something about falling on me while he was drunk and ran off like a scalded dog.” The potions master sighed. “So I never mentioned it again either.”

“So…. You two never did anything else?”

“No.” Severus replied. “He was in love with you by then. I knew that. I didn’t want to lose my two best friends because of a drunken fuck on the floor.”

*silence*

"Fuck! That’s STILL hot!”

Severus laughed out loud at Narcissa's obvious enthusiasm.

“Your turn.” He prodded. “What about the two of you?”

Narcissa looked thoughtful. “Lucius was always a good lover…” She hesitated as though looking for words. “Just very…. reserved in the bedroom.”

Now it was Lucius’s mouth that was hanging open. Tom Riddle began to back away from the blond slowly.

“Don’t get me wrong…” Narcissa sighed. “I had nothing to complain about. Lucius was always a perfect gentleman.”

“But?”

“Well…” Narcissa grinned. “I guess I just wished at times that he was a little less of a gentleman and a little more of a cave man.”

Lucius exploded spectacularly. “WELL! EXCUSE ME FOR TREATING YOU LIKE MY WIFE INSTEAD OF A FILTHY WHORE NARCISSA!”

“I just….” She shrugged. “Sometimes I wished we had more passion I guess.”

A loud squawk had Riddle covering his ears.

She took Severus’s hand in hers. “Passion like we have now.”

Lucius made retching noises.

“Ill tell you one thing though…” Narcissa grinned. “If Lucius had ever told me that story about you two, he would have had passion whether he wanted it or not.”

“Really?” Severus looked intrigued.

“I would have been all over him like a monkey on a cupcake.” Narcissa giggled. “I might have raped him.”

“Good thing he didn’t then.”

“I suppose it was at that.” She leaned in and gave Severus a lustful look. “Then I would have been begging him to bring you to our bed so we both could play with you.”

If it was possible for a ghost to pass out, Tom was pretty sure Lucius would be hitting the floor at any second.

“Both.” He whispered in astonishment.

Narcissa maneuvered herself to where she was straddling Severus’s lap at the desk. “As a matter of fact….” She fairly purred. “That story makes me want to tear your clothes off right here and now.”

Severus lifted one eyebrow. “No sex in the classrooms.” He said sternly.

“But Sev…” She whined, almost giving him a lap dance in front of her disbelieving husbands spirit.

“Later.” Severus was adamant. No one screwed around in his classroom. Not even him.

“I need you now.” Narcissa growled, kissing him roughly.

Lucius could NOT believe his ever so prim and proper wife had been hiding this wanton hussy from him for years! Forever! He could have had BOTH of them. The thought just kept repeating in his mind again and again. BOTH!

“Narcissa…” Lucius wailed mournfully at his wife . “How could you let me put you up on a pedestal when we could both have been down in the gutter?!…. Wallowing like pigs together!.…… With Severus!”

Severus gently, but firmly moved his lover off of what was quickly becoming a hot, throbbing problem.

Lucius blinked several times rapidly. Riddle slithered a little further away. It wasn’t going to be pretty.

“Someone might come in.” Severus insisted.

“Let them…" Narcissa licked her lips lasciviously. “ they can watch.”

Lucius Malfoy was doing a sterling impression of a house elf as the full and awful truth finally sank in. Yanking at his hair, twisting his ears and banging his head on anything handy.

“Both!” (*yank*, *twist*, *bang*) “I could have had both of them!” (*yank*, *bang*, *yank*)

Tom Riddle was impressed in spite of himself. As far as tantrums went, this one was a doozy.

A loud knocking at the door interrupted both dramas, but at least it covered for the poltergeist racket that Lucius had been making banging his head in a fury.

Everybody froze, even the invisible phantoms.

Severus stepped back and away from his lover. He took a deep, calming breath.

“Come in.”

Narcissa smoothed out her clothing and got herself under control in a hurry. She was a Malfoy after all.

Madame Pomfrey stepped into the classroom with a smile. “Your son asked me to bring you a copy of these Narcissa.”

Still a little flushed, Narcissa took the proffered offering then stared in amazement. It was a copy of Draco’s pictogram. The twins wiggled and snuggled together as she watched.

“Oh Severus!” She beamed. “Aren’t they darling?”

“Indeed.” Snape blushed as he surreptitiously adjusted his erection while the nurse and Narcissa gazed at the babies first pictures.

“Two perfect little ones.” Madame Pomfrey was clearly thrilled. “Well…. I just wanted to deliver these. Tell Draco and Harry I said congratulations again.”

“Oh we will.” Narcissa said, staring at her grandchildren to be. They really were darling.

Tom Riddle leaned over her shoulder for a closer look. “Don’t you want to see it Lucius?”

“BOTH.” Lucius pouted mightily. “I could have had both!” Malfoy was apparantly inconsolable.

Madame Pomfrey bustled busily back out of the room. “I cant believe my baby is going to have two babies of his own.” Narcissa murmured in amazement.

“One of each too.” Severus said gleefully. “Harry and Draco are both in for quite the eye opening experience.”

“Especially if they act like my son did as a baby.“ Narcissa nodded in agreement. “Sev… do you remember when Draco was about two years old and he went through that stage where he wasn’t quite potty trained yet and he would just pee on everything?”

Severus rolled his eyes. “Do I remember? That boy was worse than a kneazle marking its territory.”

Narcissa leaned into Severus. “Do you remember that time… we were late for a ministry function and Lucius picked him up out of the tub?”

Sev snickered. “Yeah… he pissed all the way down the front of his fathers dress robes.”

Narcissa giggled. “Lucius was just dangling him and howling. I’ve been hit! I’ve been hit!”

“That was not funny one bit." Lucius scowled darkly, still moping. "Draco was cackling like a little fiend the whole time!”

Severus cackled himself. “I remember, during that time; how the house elves would scatter every time they saw him coming.”

“Could you blame them?” Narcissa smirked. “No one was safe.”

“You don’t have to tell me.” Severus shook his head. “I remember it well… I had just barely made it through the door and was handing over my coat to your house elf, when I heard a “trickle… trickle..” and I looked down to find that Draco had just “christened” my brand new dragon hide boots.”

“That’s nothing,” Narcissa challenged. “Do you remember the time he pissed in Abraxas Malfoy’s hat while he and Lucius were busy arguing, and the man didn’t realize it until he actually went to storm out the door and stuffed it on his head?”

Lucius snorted. “Now THAT was funny. I don’t believe I had ever seen my fathers face turn quite that particular shade of purple before.”

“Maybe everything happens for a reason. I mean…." Narcissa hugged Severus close as their laughter faded. "if things hadn’t happened the way they did; then we wouldn’t be expecting two beautiful new babies to enter our lives soon.”

Severus nodded. “I miss Lucius too.” She said seriously. “I know he would have loved these babies desperately.” She laid her head on her lovers chest. “He would have spoiled them until they were both horrible little monsters of course, but he would have loved them with all his heart.”

She turned her soft blue eyes up to Severus. “Maybe things had to happen the way they did so that THEY could happen. Who knows… if things had been different, Harry and Draco might never have come together.”

“She says that like it was a bad thing.” Lucius groused, still sulking enormously.

Tom Riddle just shook his head. Malfoy would probably be in a huff for the rest of eternity if he knew him at all.

From out in the corridor they could hear the raised voices as Harry and Draco passed by the classroom:

“I told you not to touch me Potter!”

“I doubt very much that you’re going to get knocked up by me touching your arm Malfoy!”

“Its too big a risk! It might cause something else to decide to sprout somewhere!”

*pause*

“How about just a little kiss then?”

“Don’t make me hex you Potter!”

“No Narcissa.” Severus assured his lover. “If there is one thing in this life that I am absolutely certain of, it is that Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy would have found some way to be together.”

Narcissa curled up in the potion masters strong arms. “Do you really think so?”

Out in the corridor:

“Just let me hold your hand then.” *plaintively*

*pause*

“Here….. You may touch the tip of my wand.”

*pause*

“I take it you mean the wooden one?”

Inside the classroom Narcissa and Severus both shook with silent laughter. “Oh yes.” Severus smirked. “Definitely.”

*Yowl out in the corridor as SOMEONE grabs for the wrong wand like its Saturday night, and gets his swish flicked but good.*

Severus wiped tears of mirth from his eyes. “It was OBVIOUSLY fate.”

Tom Riddle nodded in accord. “Snape is right you know.” He said, turning to the blond ghost beside him. “I think it was probably destiny that brought those two together.”

“Both!” Lucius’s bottom lip quivered visibly. “I could have had both!”