All the way IIII: Change

When Hermione opened her eyes, she was on the floor. Figuring she must have passed out, she brought a hand up to her cheek, wiping away the tears there.

She felt different. Strange different. Scared different.

Hermione got up slowly, using the arm of a chair for support. There was no noise coming from any of the rooms and the door was open, so she guesses - and hoped - Gary had left. She closed the door shakily.

As soon as she closed her eyes, she saw images. Images she hadn't seen for years. Images she never wanted to see. Images she had risked her life to forget. Her eyes snapped open, and Hermione doubled over, vomiting violently.

Even with her eyes open, the pictures were there. She couldn't breathe, as she moved around the expelled contents of her stomach and collapsed onto the sofa.

She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, whispering to herself, "It's alright... Deep breaths... calm down... you can't remember... you can't remember..."

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When Severus entered his living room, he couldn't find Hermione. He called out, and heard her shuffling around in the bathroom.

"I was just about to have a shower." She said, "I'll be out later."

Severus shrugged and left her to it.

Three hours later, however, he still hadn't seen her. He went into the bedroom and found her sitting on the bed with her elbows on her knees and the heels of her hands pressing into her closed eyes.

"What's wrong?" He asked, concerned.

Hermione jumped, wiping her face, "N-nothing. I...I was about to have a shower."

"You just had one," he reminded her, frowning.

"Did I say shower?" She laughed nervously, "No, I meant I was about to go and see Ginny. I forgot to tell you that she sent me a letter today."

"Don't lie to me," he said, moving closer, "What's happened?"

"I'm not lying." She insisted, picking up her wand and hurrying past him into the living room and to the front door, "I'll see you later."

"Hermione!" He called after her, but the door was already shut, with her on the other side.

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Hermione walked quickly through the school. The corridors were dark and deserted and she wished there was some light. The darkness made her jumpy. Not that the images swirling in her mind didn't.

She felt horrible. Apart from being scared out of her wits, she felt so guilty that she had just run away from Severus like that. He deserved an explanation, but she didn't know what was happening to her.

The potion had obviously stopped working. That much was obvious. The one she had taken had been a tester. Maybe it wasn't as strong against mind-invading spells as the real marketed product. Maybe it was missing an ingredient that the completed potions weren't.

Hermione went to the Room of Requirement. As soon as she was safe in the warm bedroom it had created for her, she burst into tears.

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As Sirius and Eileen stepped out of the house and into the night, she looked up at him, "Sirius, you will look after me, won't you?"

Sirius closed the door and put his arm around her, and as they left the property the door locked automatically. It was not very often that she allowed herself sound unsure or vulnerable, but when she did, it made his heart twist within his chest.

"Of course I will," He told her, "If you want to stay home, just say and we can. If not, then tell me if you're not comfortable with something and I’ll sort it out."

"Thank you," She said quietly, "I think I just need to get out there and do something, you know. I can't hide forever."

They walked into town, his arm around her all the way. They found a tiny pub and headed in. Eileen sat at a table in the corner while Sirius got the drinks.

He came back and sat down next to her, on a bench against the wall. Eileen looked around. The place was packed with tall, leggy, busty, beautiful blondes and incredibly stunning women. She had never thought herself ugly, but never beautiful either. And that was a blessing, for if she had been as gorgeous as these women in the pub, more men would have propositioned her and she would have inevitably become a recluse.

Two attractive women, a red head and a blonde, were looking their way, or more specifically, Sirius' way. They were smiling brightly and fluttering their eye lashes.

Eileen felt terrible. She didn't know how many women Sirius had been with - long term or short term - but she felt that, maybe, if she wasn't with him, the blonde or the red head might be a nice girl and he might really like them. She knew guilt was a thing she had inherited from her mother. Eileen felt so guilty because he might not actually want to be with her. He might like one of those other women instead.

She sipped her drink and cleared her throat, "Nice place."

Sirius nodded, "The people seem nice enough too."

"You think so?" She asked carefully.

"Well, no ones fighting, so... they must be a nice lot." He shrugged.

Eileen made a noise of agreement and then went silent.

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"How're you feeling?" Sirius asked.

"I'm fine," Eileen shrugged, "Every man in the building's looking over there." she waved her hand towards two women at the bar.

"I'm not," He told her quietly.

"Yeah, but you're talking to me." She reasoned, "It's different. You have to look at some one when you’re talking to them; it's polite." Sirius leaned forward and stared at her. Eileen wriggled in her seat, stroking her hair self-consciously, "What?" When he still said nothing, she brought her hand up to her face, as if trying to wipe away a mark, "Sirius? What is it?"

For another full minute Sirius said nothing, while Eileen squirmed under his gaze.

Finally, he leaned back smiling, "I wasn't talking to you then, but I was still looking at you."

Eileen made a face and said sarcastically, "Ha ha, Sirius. You're so funny. You must stop being such a comedian; I just can't take the hilarity of it all."

"I was being serious." he told her mildly.

"You don't know how to be Sirius. Serious. Sirius. Urgh!" She rolled her eyes, "You've got me all confused now!" She took a deep breath and said slowly, "You. Don't. Know. How. To. Be. Serious. Sirius. Never use those two words in the same sentence unless you like tongue twisters. "

She was smiling slightly, reluctantly.

"I can be very serious." He told her sternly, making his voice very deep.

Eileen was biting her lip to try and stop smiling, "Ok, Mr. Grim, I bet you can't be serious for one whole hour."

"I certainly can." He countered, "If I stay serious for one hour, what do I get?"

Eileen shrugged, "It's up to you; you can choose what ever you want, but you won't be getting it, because you can't be serious."

"If I don't, you can have what ever you want." Sirius nodded.

She smiled, "You'll regret saying that when you have to take me shopping and pay as well."

"Fine. I'll be serious. Starting... now."

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Hermione knew it was about eleven o'clock when she composed herself and went back to the dungeons. She realized how wrong she would have been to go and get the reverse potion; she couldn't live like this.

"Where have you been?" Severus asked.

Hermione felt so stupid, finding she was scared around her own husband, "Out. To see Ginny. I told you... I'm going to bed."

Soon, she was in bed, with her eyes tightly shut and the lights on. She felt the weight of the bed shift and the lights went out.

Hermione moved to over as much as she could, as discreetly as she could, trying to put as much distance as she could between her and Severus.

She hated herself at that moment. Loathed herself like never before.

Rolling onto her side, facing away from the other occupant of the bed, Hermione pulled her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her knees.

This wasn't her. She wasn't scared of anything. She was a Gryffindor and she was brave. She had a family who loved her. She looked after them. She made sure they were alright and not frightened. She stopped things from hurting them. She wasn't allowed to be scared. It just didn't fit into her life script.

She was the clever one, the boring one, the dependable one, the sympathetic one, the one people talked to about their problems. She wasn't the scared one, the vulnerable one, the frightened one, the one everybody looked after.

It was all wrong. She was a strong, independent, person. She had no right to be scared, when people in other countries lived in war zones year after year, when people were starving.

When people she loved need her, she had no right to be so selfish.

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Sirius had five minutes to go before the bet was up. Eileen had her arm linked through his as they turned the corner to his long, deserted road.

Her hair was blowing around her in the wind, as she looked up at him with glittering eyes, "You know you can't do it. Just say one tiny, tiny, little silly thing and then tomorrow you can take me shopping. Please! Come on, you know you want to."

Sirius looked down at her, his face set straight, "I am not going to rise to that, Eileen. I'm being very serious and you won't make me slip up."

As they walked slowly down the street, she carried on trying to make him say something stupid. They were a few houses away from Sirius', when the hour was up.

Eileen stamped her foot, "Not fair! You cheated! I know you did! I want to go shopping!"

"We can go shopping, if that’s what you want." Sirius told her as they stopped walking, "But, I won the bet, I know what I want and now that you know I can be serious, you'll know that I’m not messing about."

She looked up at him with her big glassy eyes, her long midnight-black hair fluttering on the wind around her. He lifted a hand and brushed a few strands from her face, noticing that she no longer flinched from his touch as his finger tips brushed her temple.

Sirius knew this was all new territory to Eileen; he could see the confusion and vulnerability warring with unknown and unfamiliar feelings in her beautiful eyes.

Gently, slowly, his hand slid around the back of her neck, under her blanket of soft hair, carefully moving up, holding the back of her head delicately as he leaned down.