A Long Way Back ~ Editing

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to JKR. All situations are mine. No $$$ is being made from this fanfic.
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Chapter 12 ~ A Meeting of the Mind

Severus sat beside Hermione, his dark eyes resting on her. She was breathing shallowly. Suddenly there was a combined yowl at his feet, and he looked down to see Ying and Yang looking up at him, their eyes narrowed and tails lashing. Both cats looked at Hermione then back at him accusingly.

"What's wrong with you two?" he asked the cats, both of who hissed at the startled wizard.

Then they both leapt up into Hermione's armchair, one settling on the right arm and the other on the left arm. The familiars laid down, front paws extended and haunches curled like little sphinxes. Both closed their blue eyes and began to purr softly and rhythmically. Presently they rested their heads on their paws simultaneously and the purring stopped. They appeared to be asleep.

Severus stared at the sleeping familiars. This was strange behavior. The cats acted like they knew he had done something to Hermione and weren't pleased about it. And the way they took up spots on either side of the witch and fell asleep made him think there really was more to the cats than he thought.

He sat there, now watching all three sleep, wondering what was going on in the land of their dreams.

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Hermione blinked and looked around. She was on a kind of forest plain. Everything was gray and lifeless. The trees, the bushes, the grasses and even the flowers, whose petaled heads were drooping and colorless. Above her the sky was a uniform gray and a cold wind blew across the landscape, chilling her to her bones. She was dressed in her robes and clutched them around her. She noticed her hands.

They were no longer covered in healthy pink skin, but dry, knobby and flaky. The witch quickly felt her hair. It was dry and brittle again. It was as if she had never received Adam's miraculous treatment. This was the most lucid dream that she could remember, not including Vashti's. This was all Hermione. She could smell decay in the air…not animal decay per se, but a sweet cloying odor, like grass decomposing.

"Where am I? What is this supposed to be?" she asked herself, turning and looking over the plain.

She heard a familiar sound under the increasing wind and spun in its direction. The sound was growing louder. Suddenly, from over a rise appeared Ying and Yang, yowling and running toward her at full cat speed, their tails streaming behind them.

"My cats are in my dream too?" she thought, watching the animals approach.

They reached her and twined lovingly around her legs, mewling and yowling. Hermione bent and petted each of them. She could feel them, soft and warm, purring under her hand. Then they both stopped and stood in front of her.

"Enough of this. We must go," Yang said to her in a soft commanding male voice. He had an oriental accent.

Hermione stared at him, shocked.

"Yang, did you just speak to me?" she asked the familiar.

"Yes he did, and he is right. We must go," Ying said in a soft, lilting female voice, also with an oriental inflection.

Ah, this was a dream. Talking familiars weren't abnormal in a dream.

"No, we can talk outside of the dream. We just haven't because you weren't interested in anything but being miserable. Do you have any idea what it is like to talk to someone miserable all the time? It's emotionally draining," Yang said to her, licking his paw for a moment.

"Yes. We thought it better not to talk at all than to listen to you whining to us about how bad you are," Ying said. "But now you are on an important journey and need guides and protectors. So here we are with you. Now follow us."

The two cats took off walking in front of Hermione, their tails in the air.

Hermione blinked after them, then followed. Her familiars could talk? No. This had to be part of the dream. They walked for over a mile.

"Where are we going?" Hermione asked.

"You'll see," Yang said.

"There!" Ying cried, running ahead. Yang followed her.

Hermione looked. There was a fallen log and someone in white robes was sitting on it…apparently reading a book. She began to walk toward the person…but she didn't seem to be getting any closer. The log remained distant though the cats had reached it and hopped up on opposite ends of the log. They were sitting next to the person, who didn't look up.

"Don't walk towards her, walk towards me," Yang called to Hermione.

Her?

Hermione changed her focus and walked toward Yang. Now she was making progress. As she got closer, she realized the person sitting on the log was wearing a long lab coat and not robes.

As she drew closer, the person looked up. Hermione gasped.

She was looking at herself. The healthy, competent version. Herself, when she was happy.

"Who are you supposed to be?" mind-Hermione asked the witch, closing her book and setting it down on the log. She was scowling.

"I…I guess I'm you…or you're me," Hermione replied.

"What? You certainly aren't me! Gods, I would never let myself get in such a state. You are hideous!" mind=Hermione said, looking at Hermione blackly.

"I am you…me. I've just been…well…sick," Hermione said rather lamely.

"Sick! What do you have?" mind-Hermione demanded, "I'm a Potions Mistress. I can cure myself of almost anything once I know what it is."

"Well, it's not really a physical illness. More like a mental one," Hermione said.

Mind-Hermione gasped.

"My mind? My beautiful mind is sick? How the hell did you let that happen? My mind is too logical to get 'sick.'"

"Well, I had to kill Harry Potter, and I can't come to terms with it," Hermione said, sitting down on the log now, her eyes glistening.

Mind-Hermione looked at her intently for a moment as if reading her like a book. Ying and Yang sat silently on opposite ends of the log, listening and twitching their tails. Tears ran down Hermione's face.

Mind-Hermione put her hands on her hips.

"You are a blooming idiot. Stop that infernal crying. I can't believe you let yourself go like this and stopped working because you helped stop a friend from suffering and exploding into bloody bits! Harry was going to die anyway you silly chit. You only made it easier to go," she said, frowning at Hermione. "Would you rather he suffered?"

"No," Hermione sniffed.

"And you stopped your research. You know you have the most brilliant mind in the Potions field. You are denying the wizarding world great discoveries because you are too stupid to get on with your life the way Harry would have wanted you too. And you got rid of Severus?" mind -Hermione asked, horrified.

"Severus was perfect for you! He's intelligent, brilliant, a Master of Potions, plus he cooks, cleans and gave you multiple orgasms. You loved him! Why did you do that?" mind-Hermione demanded.

"I…I just didn't want him anymore," she said softly.

"No…you wanted someone else to feel pain like you were feeling. That's why you did it. You closed him out when you were the first witch he ever opened up to. You are a horrible little bitch," mind-Hermione seethed at her.

Hermione stared at her own scowling image.

"Why are you saying these terrible thing to me? You're me. You should sympathize," Hermione said, her mouth turned down.

"I'm saying these things because I am you…the real, sensible, life-loving, logical you. You've been unbelievable stupid and no one's going to tell you these things because they are afraid of hurting you. Well, I'm not. Look at yourself. You've done more damage to yourself than anyone. I don't feel sorry for you. Why should I? You survived the final battle, you have a promising life ahead of you. Severus is back. I feel like kicking you in the ass several times.

Mind-Hermione drew in great gulping breaths to calm herself and probably to keep from leaping on Hermione and doing just that.

She then said in a calmer voice, "Sympathize with you? Why in the world would I sympathize with anyone who throws her life away for no logical reason? Locking yourself away in your manor, half eating, letting your body go, turning away those that love you. It is all one big extended hissy fit. Get over yourself, Hermione! Everyone has to deal with situations they don't like," mind-Hermione said, her fists clenched at her sides.

"Harry would yell at you if he saw what you've become. Dried up. Lifeless. Without purpose. Do you think your wasting your life would please him? It wouldn't. It would hurt him because he would feel responsible," mind-Hermione said.

"No…no…none of this is Harry's fault," Hermione exclaimed.

"Yes it is. It's his fault that he let Voldemort cast the spell on him and put you in the situation where you had to put him out of his misery," mind-Hermione said cruelly. "Not only did he leave you…he made you help him leave. You hate Harry for that…don't you?"

"No!" Hermione said vehemently.

"If it wasn't for Harry dying, you'd still be with Severus, still be researching and brewing, you'd still be a happy witch. He ruined all that for you. It's his fault you're like this! Harry took all your joy away! He was your friend and by selfishly dying he took all your joy with him. He should have tried harder to live. He should have fought better. Admit you hate him, Hermione," mind-Hermione said in a low, tempting voice.

"I don't hate him. I don't hate him," Hermione said, clutching herself with her arms and rocking against the very idea.

"Yes you do. And you know its wrong to hate him because he couldn't help what happened, he couldn't help that you were the only one there to help him…but you still do," mind-Hermione said darkly.

"No…no. I hate the situation he put me in, but I don't hate him. I love Harry. I'll always love him," Hermione said, still rocking.

"Then at least admit that hatred. It is eating you up inside…it is the source of all your pain, Hermione. Let it out and be who you are. Harry would want you to live. If you love him as much as you claim to…then live for him and for yourself! As long as you keep him in your heart…he isn't dead. He's a part of you…a part of your life. Don't live it like you're dead…you're not. It's time to get on with living. It's time to stop being a damn fool and appreciate those who remain that love you and still have feelings for you," mind Hermione said to her urgently.

Hermione stared at the image of herself for a moment, then drew in a deep breath…and finally let it out.

"All right. I hate that he made me do that! I hate he died! And I hate what I've done to myself. I Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!" Hermione screamed, falling to her knees and beating the ground with her fists, enraged.

Mind-Hermione nodded and looked around the plain. It was changing, becoming green, life flowing across it in a line, overrunning the trees, bushes and grasses, foliage appearing, the flowers lifting their blooms full of color, the sky turning a vivid blue and the sun appearing, warming everything, the cold wind disappearing.

Still on the ground, Hermione looked up and saw all the beauty surrounding her. Then she looked at her hands. They were pink and not knobby. She touched her face it was soft, her lips moist. She stood up and touched her hair. It was curling, soft and smelled of jasmine. She looked down at her body. She was dressed in a white lab coat, and all her curves had returned. She looked at mind-Hermione.

"Now…you're me," she said, stepping into the witch and melding with her.

Hermione was left alone on the forest plain, Ying and Yang looking at her with cocked heads.

"You are very pretty," Yang said, hopping off the log.

"Yes, Mistress. You look much better here. Too bad you can't go back like this," Ying said, rubbing against her leg sympathetically.

Hermione continued to look at herself, moving her lab coat aside.

"I want this again," she said. Her mind felt clear and strong. Now she could voice the truth of what happened.

"I helped Harry. I didn't destroy him. I just missed him and was angry about him dying. But it wasn't my fault. I just helped him along. He needed a friend that day to make it easier," she said softly. "At least he didn't go alone, and knew that I loved him."

Both cats nodded.

"Yessss," they hissed at her.

"But still, there is a chance I can bring him back. Not to ease my own guilt, but because he was just too good to die. He spent his whole life locked down because of Voldemort. If I bring him back, he'll have the chance to live the kind of life he always dreamed of. I'm still going to try," Hermione said.

Then she thought of Severus.

"I turned him away out of anger. I lashed out at him and took away his happiness because my own was gone. How selfish was that? He was good to me, and gods knows I loved him. Every snarky part of him. How could I do that? I was punishing myself…yes…but I punished him too and he didn't deserve that. Especially after he opened his heart to me. I have to apologize to him, tell him I'm sorry. So, so sorry."

"Yessss," the cats both agreed.

"And then he can cook you a lovely supper which we will share in," Yang added.

Hermione looked at the two cats.

"You are both going to have to start eating cat food again," she said to the cats, who both walked away from her stiffly, presenting their butts.

"We're going back now," Ying said, her voice a little irritated. "We will see you at the manor, Mistress."

Then both familiars sprinted away over the next rise and disappeared.

Hermione stood there a moment, then looked at the log. The book mind-Hermione was reading was still there. The witch picked it up and read the title.

"Healing Oneself with Tough Love by Filay A. Heart."

Hermione smiled, sat down and started reading.

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Severus sat back resting his eyes when the cats woke up with a yowl, both of them looking at him with a rather satisfied stare. They hopped of the arms of the chair and each rubbed against his lower robes. Obviously he had been forgiven.

Hermione began to stir.

Severus did his best to appear relaxed and dozing, closing his eyes and slowing his breathing. It would be better if Hermione thought they had both fell asleep.

Hermione opened her eyes and sat up, blinking. Wow, that had been some enlightening dream. She looked over at Severus, who appeared to be asleep. She reached out her hand and shook his shoulder gently.

"Severus…Severus, wake up," she said softly.

Severus made a great show of waking up, twisting and turning before opening his eyes. He blinked at Hermione as if trying to get his bearings.

"I must have dozed off after the wine," he said, yawning for effect.

"It seems we both did," Hermione replied.

Severus looked at her closely. There was something different, softer about her. She looked up at the urn holding Harry's remain and gave a soft smile. It was the first true smile Severus had seen from the witch. She turned her head towards him.

"I was going to wait until I was physically better to start researching the elixir, Severus. But I've decided to go ahead and start working the day after tomorrow. I want Harry to have the chance at life he never had. I want to see him finally be happy," she said quietly, looking back toward the urn.

"And to ease your guilt at ending his pain?" Severus asked her.

"No," she said, standing up. "I did what I needed to do for Harry. I was his friend until the very end, and still am. If there's a chance I can bring him back and let him continue his life the way he could have without Voldemort hanging over him like a dark cloud, then I want to do it. For him…not for me. Goodnight, Severus," the witch said, her amber eyes looking at him rather strangely.

"Good night, Hermione," the Potions Master replied, watching her exit the study followed closely by Ying and Yang.

It appeared that the Iboga Potion did its job.

He'd be better able to tell over the next few days.

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A/N: It seems Hermione has come to terms with herself. Yay!!! And there's more to Ying and Yang than initially thought. Can't blame them for not talking to Hermione. It is emotionally draining dealing with a miserable person after all. Well, the next chapter will probably jump over a few weeks so we can work toward a new understanding and possibly growing attraction between Hermione and Severus and the resurrection of Harry. Anyhow, please review.