Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: Cocoa-Snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.
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Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 13: If you really knew me…

Snape had not slept a wink last night. Part of him was reliving the exquisite evening over and over again in his mind. But another part was becoming increasingly overwhelmed with guilt. He knew he had gone too far – overstepped a delicate boundary when he touched Harry the way he had. Don’t delude yourself Severus, you went too far from the start! The past week had been incredible, Snape reflected. Every moment he was away from Harry seemed like torture. Every time he saw him, he was possessed with an urge to throw himself at the young man and thoroughly ravish him – but he had resisted. That is, until last night. Damn it!

But, Snape reminded himself, it had been nearly impossible to resist. Harry was so beautiful, the image of Harry naked on the rug in front of the hearth, eyes blazing with lust, begging for Snape to touch him – it was like a dream. Better than a dream, in fact. And Snape had surrendered himself to that fantasy, and for a moment, he believed it could be true. But the moment was fleeting as ever – snapped in two by the simplest of gestures – Harry reaching to open the cuff of his shirt. For Snape, it was harsh reality striking him in the gut, reminding him of the painful truth that this wasn’t a dream. His life wasn’t a fairy tale, wasn’t a happy story – and it could never be.

And Snape realized in that moment that Harry had no idea what he had gotten himself into. He knew that Harry would run as fast as he could if he knew the kind of person that he was. He doesn’t know the things I’ve seen, the things I’ve done – I’m not the right person for someone like him – someone so innocent, so perfect, Snape reflected sadly.

Snape’s thoughts were interrupted as the door to his sitting room opened. Harry Potter walked in, fresh from his Saturday Quidditch practice. His eyes shone with happiness when he saw Snape, and he moved quickly towards the man, his arms outstretched, eager for an embrace. Snape took a step back. Harry stopped in confusion. Snape carefully hid his own sadness at the words that were about to leave his mouth.

“I think that it would be wise to end this…liaison between us.”

Harry said nothing, he just stood there shocked. Liaison?

Snape continued, “I regret that I have taken advantage of you and I think you should strongly consider speaking with the Headmaster about it. I will accept full responsibility if you choose to do so.”

“Why would I want to talk to Dumbledore about this? You haven’t taken advantage of me.”

“You may yet reconsider that sentiment, Potter.”

So we’re back to Potter are we? Damn that stings.

“I won’t…I want us to be together, please Severus…” Harry said, taking a step forward.

“I’m afraid that is impossible.”

“Why?”

“Because it is wrong. I’m 20 years older than you and you are my student,” Snape said, hoping these spurious reasons would be enough to end this matter.

“I don’t care about age! And there are no rules against student-teacher relationships now that I’m 17.”

Snape sighed, “Potter, I’m an old unattractive man with a horrible temperament. You are clearly delusional if you think you want to pursue this any further.”

Harry could not believe this was happening. Last night had been the best of his life, and now it was ending – and what was worse, he had no idea why. He spoke in a pained half-whisper, “Why are you doing this to me?”

“I’m a cruel man Potter. I tried to warn you.”

“But I want us—”

“Really?” Snape interrupted, inquiring disbelievingly. “Are you prepared to tell your friends that you’re seeing your greasy git of a Potions professor? I think not!!” Snape said vehemently.

“I…well…I…” Harry said searching for answers.

“Don’t delude yourself Potter. You can’t even tell them that you like men! What would people say if they knew we were together?”

“I thought you said you don’t care what people think?” Harry shot back.

“I don’t Potter! But you do, don’t you?”

Harry had no answer – he did not know. “Please just don’t end this like this. I…don’t think I can be without you…I…”

“And how precisely would you know that?” Snape asked. “You’ve never been with anyone else. This is your first experience with a man and I believe you are confusing lust with something more – not entirely unexpected for a boy your age. I confess that it was my fault to exploit your confusion the way I did.”

“You did NOT exploit me, Severus,” Harry asserted.

“I would ask you not to call me that anymore. It is…no longer appropriate.” A short pause. “I suggest that you go and spend some time with people your own age. You’ll find out very soon that you’re not so interested in me once you find some other outlet for your adolescent hormones. I regret I let myself get swept up in your youthful exuberance as well – and that was a mistake,” Snape said, ignoring the almost literal pain he felt as those words left his lips.

“You’re calling what happened between us a mistake. That’s what it is to you?” Harry was fuming now, “Why you insensitive son of a bitch!”

“I’m glad to see you’re finally coming to your senses about me Mr. Potter.”

Harry took a deep breath and tried to push back the anger that was overwhelming him. Yes, he was angry. Yes he wanted to hurt Snape, to tell him it was meaningless to him as well – but then would that even hurt him, Harry wondered. He didn’t know. All he knew was that Snape was not a man who discussed his emotions. Harry wasn’t exactly sure what was happening here, but Snape’s self-deprecating comments made it hard to ignore the possibility that it was something more than Snape simply having grown tired of Harry. Harry mused that it was probably guilt – Snape was a proud man and probably felt he had overstepped some ethical boundary as his teacher. But Harry wished the man would talk to him – explain what he was thinking. Snape might not know how to express his feelings, but Harry decided he would damned if he became like that. He needed to tell Snape the truth – whatever it was – and maybe, just maybe that would hurt him the most.

“Maybe I mean nothing to you – but don’t you dare pretend you know what I feel. You are more to me than…what is you said?…an outlet for my hormones.”

“Then what am I?” Snape snapped. “Your boyfriend? I think not!” Snape sneered indignantly.

Harry took a deep breath and spoke carefully, “I’m not sure what you are to me exactly, but I know that I care about you and doesn’t that mean something? I’ve never felt this way before – I may not know what it is but I know I don’t want it to end. You’re important to me Severus.”

Snape closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and sighed. He spoke under his breath, “Why do you have to make things so hard?” There was anger in his voice, and Snape’s face indicated his frustration. But his eyes betrayed something else entirely – sadness and pain? – very much like the previous night when Harry had tried to remove his left cufflink.

Meanwhile, Snape was reflecting on Harry’s words: I’ve never felt this way before…you’re important to me Severus. They sounded too good to be true. For the briefest of moments he was tempted to agree with the boy and forget he had ever started this conversation – but his mind interrupted his heart.

One day he’ll look at you Severus and truly see you for the first time. Do you want to wait for that day? Do you want to see the look in his eyes when he recoils in disgust from you, horrified that he once wanted you and is sickened by the memory of your hands touching him? No. End it now.

“Important to you? Snape…your unfair nasty bastard of a professor – who’s also a Death Eater by the way – is important to you? Are you out of your mind?” Snape said scornfully.

“You are NOT a Death Eater anymore,” Harry reminded him.

Snape’s dark eyes filled with rage, incensed by the idea that anyone could believe, even for a moment, that they understood Severus Snape and his life. He glared at Harry menacingly as he spoke, “You THINK you know me, Potter. But you don’t. I am not an object of desire – I promise you that I am quite the opposite. In fact, if you really knew me, you would run screaming from here, I assure you.”

“You are wrong,” Harry said confidently.

“No I’m not! You would be wise to leave alone the things which you cannot even pretend to understand. Do not question me on this any further Potter, or you will be sorry. And now, I must ask that you leave and never mention this again.”

“But…”

“Get out Potter!” Snape said, his voice raised.

Harry decided there was no use arguing with Snape any longer. Besides, Snape had raised many questions in Harry’s mind and certainly had given Harry a lot to think about. And Harry knew he needed to find the answers before he spoke with Snape again.
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The past fortnight had been a blur to Harry. His classes were requiring more attention and his lessons with Snape were occupying the rest of his free time. Snape was relentless with the reading, spell work and Occlumency training. It was strangely disconcerting how quickly and easily Snape had reverted back to his snide tone and biting sarcasm in his dealings with Harry. It was not so easy for Harry. On his first lesson after the dissolution of their ‘liaison,’ Harry had nearly used Snape’s first name – but the man’s furious glare snapped Harry out of the habit quite rapidly. What bothered Harry the most was that Snape behaved almost as if their relationship had never happened – and Harry momentarily wondered if he had imagined the whole thing.

Harry didn’t have the faintest idea of what was going on with Snape. And over the past two weeks the man’s cold dealings with him gave him pause. Maybe Harry had been wrong, maybe Snape had just grown tired of him. Maybe it was that simple. But some part of Harry sensed that there was more to the story.

Harry was at a loss for what to do. He had carefully considered each of the points Snape made in their conversation and decided to address each in turn. First, Snape believed he was too old for him. This unfortunately could not be remedied, but Harry decided that it was also the least important point. After all, by wizarding standards, twenty years was not a significant age difference. Second, Snape had suggested that Harry’s complete lack of experience in relationships with other men had made him fall for the first man he knew shared the same preference. He didn’t particularly like the idea of finding a boyfriend just to prove a point, but he decided he needed all the ammunition against Snape that he could get. And, he reluctantly admitted, perhaps Snape was right – he needed to know for himself if his feelings were real.

So two days ago, against his better judgment, he approached a very good acquaintance of his, Geoffrey from Ravenclaw, who he happened to know shared similar preferences. More than that, he was possibly the most attractive young man at the school and as such, the perfect candidate for Harry’s little ‘experiment.’ He was surprised when Geoffrey was all too eager to help Harry. Beyond the expected nervousness and surging hormones, the encounter was surprisingly mediocre. While pressed against the wall with warm lips against his, and Geoffrey reaching his hand down to grab Harry through his pants, Harry found himself thinking about Snape. But not only all the ways that Snape smelled different, tasted different and felt different, but also how Snape would feel if he knew what Harry was doing at that very moment in the Room of Requirement. And Harry had his answer. He thanked Geoffrey for his help, and for his discretion.

Today, he continued his reflections on point number three: the fact that he could never tell anyone that he fancied Snape, proven by the point that he had not yet told his friends that he fancied men. Harry couldn’t argue with this point and decided he needed to speak with Hermione.

Dragging her behind a stone pillar on their way to Transfiguration, he blurted out: “Hermione there’s something important I need to tell you. I like guys.”

Hermione smiled at him. She seemed utterly unsurprised, “I’m glad you finally felt comfortable enough to tell me Harry.”

“You knew?”

“I suspected. Don’t worry Harry, I’m more perceptive than most if you’re worried about that. Are you seeing someone? Is that why you’re telling me?”

Even though he wanted to prove Snape wrong, he couldn’t rightly tell Hermione he was seeing Snape since their relationship was over. He decided it best to leave that detail out and not jinx his chances of getting Snape back. “Well I was…sort of. But it ended rather quickly.”

“Oh, I’m sorry Harry. If you want to talk about it, let me know. But for now, let’s go, I don’t want to be late for class.”
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His coming out to Hermione had gone rather well. But he really hadn’t expected anything different from her. She was truly a remarkable friend. He wasn’t so confident in Ron’s reaction and he decided he better wait on that conversation. He focused his attentions on the last point Snape had made. It was perhaps the most difficult. How did Harry feel about Snape? What did he hope to gain from this relationship? Harry had spent the past three weeks thinking very seriously about these questions. He asked himself how exactly Snape made him feel? Sheer ecstasy, Harry thought immediately. But Harry knew that it was more than that. Even though the emotional distance between them now was difficult to bear, Harry enjoyed being down in the dungeons with Snape for his lessons. Before everything had collapsed on him, he had felt completely comfortable and safe in the man’s presence. Thinking back on the simple joy he felt helping Snape grade papers or making him a pot of tea, he almost wished he could take back what had happened between them and return to their tentative friendship. Almost, but not quite! He didn’t understand why Snape had ended things – but he certainly wasn’t going to let go without a fight.


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A/N: Please review.

Special thanks to Hoshi Tamamushiirono (from FF.net) for betaing this one chapter for me and making some helpful suggestions.

I am (as it was suggested) on the lookout for a beta however for future chapters - if anyone else is a writer and wants to volunteer, please send me an email.

Thanks to everyone for their positive AND DETAILED reviews of the last chapter - I’m sooooo glad you ‘enjoyed’ it. Please keep them coming

Can’t wait for your reviews. I especially crave everyone’s comments on Snape’s conversation with Harry. And please don’t be too heartbroken about the twist in plot – even though I know you all are. Look on the bright side, this is where the story takes the plunge into major SnapeAngst! Also, here is my fair warning to all – the shocker of Snape’s sudden breakup with Harry is but a small taste of what is to come. So don’t get too comfortable…