Out of Time and Memory

Chapter 12 - Fate

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/Faith and belief
And retreat
When you’re standing all alone
With your dreams in the dark/

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I was raised to believe one thing above all. That the Dark Lord was right in all things, and that I was to submit to him even over my father. I was told to place all of my faith in the Dark Lord, and if I was a good follower, I could have everything my heart desired. But when I’m alone, as I am now in Malfoy Manor, I’m not so sure of the things I’ve been taught. I am her alone, thinking about my life—the life that my parents have set before me. And now Father is in Azkaban, and Mother is with her family in France. I was left here to be alone with my thoughts, in the darkness that penetrates the manor. Thinking about the fight that I have been taught is right, and the people who have tried so violently to turn me from that path. Dumbledore, and his army. . .

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/Never knowing what is real
In the shadows you meet
Never knowing what is true
In the answers you seek
Never knowing if/

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I used to take what my father told me at face value. I never doubted for a moment that I was meant to be a Death Eater, second only to my father in the ranks. But I’m not sure of that any more. Ever time I turn around, I see people joining Dumbledore’s ranks. I hear what they say. I hear what Dumbledore says to me again and again in my mind. That Voldemort is wrong, that they are right. And I begin to doubt what I was always taught. It confuses me, and I no longer know what I am to believe. Every time I turn around, there is a new voice, a new shade of gray revealed against the stark white and black of good and evil. No one can answer my questions without putting their own spin on events. How am to know what the truth is?

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/Fate she hears me
Fate stand near me
Fate state clearly
Whether there will be another card/

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My future used to be planned out for me. I would graduate Hogwarts, marry a rich pureblooded girl from a rich pureblooded wizarding family, and have pureblooded wizarding children to carry on the Malfoy name. I never had to think about working, my fortune was assured. But with my father’s placement in Azkaban, all of our accounts have been frozen. I have nothing now, and I am left wondering what my fate is to be.

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/Retrieve us
Time deceives us
Faith she hears us
But she doesn’t listen very hard/

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But Fate doesn’t seem to hear my questions. Or if she does, she certainly doesn’t answer me. This angers me, for if there’s one thing I have gotten used to it is never being ignored. The house elves all jump to do my bidding, as do the few human servants employed at Malfoy Manor. Very few people ignore me and get away with it. But no matter how many times I ask the quon ‘on ‘What am I to do with my life now?’, Fate leaves me to figure out the answer on my own.

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/As she drifts through our lives
Tossing coins into the air
Watch them twist
Watch them fall
Turning hope into despair/

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The problem is that I do not know how to answer this question of what shape my future is to take. I was born with everything, I never had to lift a finger to be given anything I wished. Money, power, influence. . .They were all mine. Now I have none of those things. All I am left with is the Manor to rattle around in. Mother is being taken care of by her French relatives, but they care nothing for me. Fate has retracted all of the favorable cards she dealt me as a child. I have no money, no po no no influence. No friends that would take me in. And all hope I had is turned into despair at this moment.

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/Watch them twist
Watch them fall
Then she suddenly revives
Every dream that we’ve had
And we find ourselves alive/

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But I have to wonder if Fate intended to simply make me miserable. She has given me choices. Though my family has been taken away from me, I am not left with absolutely nowhere to go. Dumbledore has extended an invitation. He would like me to join his side. I have a feeling that that is not all he wishes. It goes much deeper than that. But he is right, I could be a valuable asset to their side. Even if I am not an important Death Eater yet, it is only a matter of time and achieving my eighteenth birthday before I do become a Death Eater. The Dark Lord trusts me. He trusts me because I am Lucius Malfoy’s son.

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/Believe me
Fate stands near me
Fate state clearly
Whether there will be another card/

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Maybe the Dark Lord should have looked a little deeper. Maybe my father should have been a little more careful in his indoctrinating. Maybe Potter has convinced me with his surprising refusal to die at the Dark Lord’s hands, fighting him at every turn. Or perhaps this is simply a result of my father not being here to whisper into my ear before I make every decision. This one has to be made on my own. And it is obvious that my father’s teachings have not been enough. Because here, in the darkness of an empty Malfoy Manor, Fate has finally given me her answer. And I accept that answer. A new card has been turned, one that shows a very different future than the one I thought I would have. But somehow, I am glad of this. A life in the service of light is much more appealing than a life in the shadows. I just hope the choice I am making is the right one.

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/Receive us
Time deceives us
The only moment in our lives
That ever really mattered Fate
Is now/

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This moment is the one that I step away from all that my father ever taught me. This is the moment that I give up all my faith in the Dark Lord, and place it in Dumbledore. This is the moment that will define the rest of my life. The first moment in my life that has ever really mattered is now.

~fin~