Understanding

*****A/N*****
As our hero is unconscious for most of this chapter, and it was already quite long, I decided to not include Severus' POV this chapter. Also, sorry for the delay- computer troubles. Promise next one will be quicker!

Big thanks to Shem! And everyone pray for GrrArrg to get better 'cause if she doesn't update soon, I may kill her. Also, a big, big thank you to Deb whose reviews have been some of the most inspirational and who helped me not be so upset about stupid shit.

Understanding
Chapter Thirteen:
Whisper

****Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Don't turn away
Don't give in to the pain
Don't try to hide
Though they're screaming your name
Don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
Don't turn out the lights
Never sleep
Never die****

As I stood on the banks of the lake stretching my ankle and watching the sunset, I became immediately aware that I had not only missed dinner but was also in danger of being late for my unofficial engagement in the music room. After spending so much time sulking, I would have to hurry just to get there before Snape with no time to consider how I looked or plan what I was going to sing. And after first running around the lake and then simmering in the July sun for hours, I was quite sure I smelled great as well. No time to worry about that, though, I thought as I hobbled off in the direction of the castle's main entrance. It was impossible to tell at this point if my limp was affected due to my intense self-pitying of late, but I limped along nonetheless. I decided to see Madam Pomfrey in the morning if it still hurt and hoped to God that I could still press the piano pedals.

Physical agony be damned (or minor, annoying ache depending on how dramtic I felt), I was going to sing for Severus Snape tonight, and if he didn't respond to me soon, I may have to break my swollen foot off in his candy-ass. I giggled slightly at the thought and entered the castle. Thankfully, the entrance hall was empty except for Peeves who had taken to ignoring me. Nearly Headless Nick had told me that the Bloody Baron had harangued Peeves into leaving me alone, though I was never sure whether Severus had asked the ghost to intercede or if the Baron simply liked me.

I had a sneaking suspicion it was the former. I had never heard of the Bloody Baron liking anyone.

Whatever the case, I was glad for the absence of interruption, and I made my way quickly through the entrance hall and down toward the dungeons but slowed as I arrived at the hall that would lead me to the music room.

Every night, no matter how familiar I became with the route, I always spooked a little at the fact that I had to pass the door of the Potions lab. I knew on most nights he was waiting and watching just on the other side of that door, and it freaked me out. If I had possessed more will or determination or balls or whatever you wanted to call it, I know I could have just walked through the half-cracked door of the lab and thrown my arms around him. But instead, every night I stopped at the beginning of the corridor gathering my courage and tried very hard to not sprint the length instead of catching the hint of his scent or a glimpse of his robes as I walked by sedately.

And so there I stood once again tonight, taking deep breaths and steadying myself. But as I lifted my foot to take the first step, I heard a horrible crash from the lab. The noise startled me, and I jumped back several feet. Now my journey past the potions lab would have to wait as Severus would probably be cleaning up whatever it was that had exploded. I had no desire to have him see me and possibly catch my eye so I waited several moments, but when I did not hear any angry shouts or snide remarks I became concerned.

Call me crazy, but something tells me Severus Snapre would be the type of man to blame a cauldron for his own mistake.

But I did not hear anything. Nor did I see the faint flashes of color and light that would have accompanied any magical attempt to clean up whatever had caused the awful sound. Again I waited several moments, unsure of what to do, but as I saw the bluey green potions begin trickling out he door, I decided I must investigate.

Severus Snape was not in control of his lab, and that simply did not happen.

Stepping gingerly around the spilled potions- after all, I had no idea what it was- I approached the door and gently knocked.

"Professor Snape?"

No answer.

"Severus?"

Nothing.

Cautiously, I pushed the door completely open and gasped at the sight before me. I could not yet see the cauldron which had spilled its contents as the student desks obstructed my view, but I did recognize the bright red spike to the green potion.

Blood was running through it, and it most certainly looked like human blood.

I began to panic and moved quickly through the desks to try and find the source, all the while calling Severus' name. The lack of an answer unnerved me- so much so that as I finally approached the sight of the spill, my stomach lurched and had I eaten anything that day, I would have lost it.

There, on the cold stone floor, lay Severus, wrists slashed and a gigantic knot on his forehead where I assumed he'd fallen against the cauldron which had in turn, crashed to the floor, spilling its contents.

I fell to my knees next to him, checking his vital signs as well as I could, thanking God for every night I'd watched "ER" while home for the holidays. He was breathing, but barely, and his pulse was frighteningly slow. In what would be one of my only clear-headed moments of the whole ordeal, I grabbed my wand and performed a simple suturing spell hoping it would stem the bleeding. It seemed to work, thankfully, but there was still the small matter of him barely breathing.

Suddenly I wished I had taken a first aid class just once over the summers like my mum had tried to get me to do. And I fleetingly wondered why people said the same thing when trying to save a dying person as they said to a dying car.

"Come on, Severus. Come on, baby. I know you can do it... Oh, God!"

I had begun sobbing and was jiggling up and down nervously when inspiration struck me. I knew I couldn't take him to Madam Ponfrey- he would hate me for it if he lived.

WHEN he lived...

No, I didn't need a mediwitch. I needed Dobby.

However, I was unceremoniously made aware that one of the down sides of lobbying for elf rights was that I had no idea how to summon one. Gazing around the room as if looking for answers, I hysterically began shouting.

"Um... If there are any House Elves listening or in the vicinity, would you please tell Dobby I need him immediately?"

There was a pop before I had even finished the last syllable and suddenly Dobby was standing before me.

"Yes, Miss Hermione? Oh, Professor Snape! Oh, Dobby is a bad elf, Miss! A bad, bad elf!" He ran to the side overuverus' desk and began banging his head against it. "It was Dobby's job to watch Professor Snape and Winky's to watch Miss Hermione. Oh, we are bad elves! Bad, bad elves!"

"Dobby! Dobby Dobby Dobby!" I cried in an attempt to get him to refocus. "I need you to do me a favor. Take a note to Professor McGonagall for me. She can help Professor Snape."

"Oh yes, Miss Hermione! Anything, Miss Hermione!" Dobby agreed hastily, all the while dancing impatiently from foot to foot while I stood and searched for a quill and parchment.

On Severus' desk lay an open journal. Looking upon it, I glimpsed the words "My Dearest Hermione" heading the page. A suicide note. I could not look at it now, fresh tears were already springing to my eyes. I hastily grabbed thek ank and ripped out the next blank page, hurriedly scribbling a note to Minerva.

*Minerva,
Severus has slashed his wrists. I found him, but he's close to death. I need help.
Hermione*

I folded the page and handed it to the over-eager House Elf.

"Go, and be as quick as you can." Dobby nodded, leaving the potions classroom, and I once again fell to the ground next to Severus. At the sight of his face, so dreadfully pale- paler than usual, almost blue- I began sobbing in earnest. His breathing was steadier, deeper, and his pulse had stabilized (I guessed), but these facts did not reassure me.

I knew the truth. He was leaving me like everyone else had. Severus was dying. Like everything else in my life. Everyone I loved died. Maybe I was cursed. Maybe I was being punished for some sin I had yet to commit. But I was sure Severus was dying.

Just my fucking luck.

Gently, I cradled his head in my lap and smoothed his hair away from his eyes, murmuring sweet words that he'd probably never would have allowed me to say had he been conscious. Occasionally, I benwn twn to kiss his cool, clammy forehead, but as I'm not too flexible, those were few and far between.

It seemed like an eternity before Minerva showed up, but in reality it was probably only ten minutes at the most.

"Oh God, Hermione!" she cried as she rushed to us. There was genuine anguish etched on her face, and for the first time I realized that she had been pushing me to Severus as much for his sake as for mine. She truly loved Severus, and my heart warmed a bit at that. I wonder if he ever knew.

Minerva checked him over thoroughly, her experience dealing with students' near-death experiences showing through, and her panic visibly subsided as she raised a lopsided grin at me.

"What?" I asked defensively. It seemed an inappropriate time to be making cracks about Severus' head being in my lap or other such nonsense, and there was no mistaking that the look on her face was now most definitely mocking me.

"Did you cast the spell to close the wounds?" she asked sweetly but with barely repressed mirth.

I nodded, unsure of where her interrogation was heading.

"And you did both wrists?" Again with the laugh. Out with it, McGonagall! I want in on your little inside joke!

But instead of saying anything, again I nod.

"Only the left one was cut."

I squinted my eyes in question. That fact made no sense whatsoever. Minerva took Severus' right arm and turned it for me to see. Indeed there was no mark there except the extra ridge of skin that I had inadvertently created when I'd tried to close his nonexistent wound.

"What? Who tries to commit suicide by only slashing one wrist?" Minerva simply smiled at me again. Whatever she was so happy about, a great weight had obviously been lifted from her, and I was glad. I knew she would never take a situation like this lightly.

"I don't think he was trying to kill himself," she began with that same mischieviously joyous tone in her voice. "Look at all these cuts- all over his arm."

"But there was a note. There, on his desk." I was still making no sense of this. Had someone else cut Severus and left him to die? Had Severus done this to himself? And if he wasn't trying to kill himself why would he have been cutting himself? Minerva stood and searched out the book while I continued soothing my unconscious Severus.

"Oh, my," Minerva mouthed breathlessly as she leafed through the pages, all in Severus' spiky scrawl, before clearing her throat and continuing. "Hermione, dear, these are love letters for you- the whole book by the look of it." I was about to respond but was quickly cut off by Minerva.

"Come on. Let's get Severus into bed. That's all he needs right now. He'll be fine; don't worry. But he will need help recuperating. He'll need someone to take care of him and find out what happened. He'll need someone to stay the night, and I'm afraid with the Headmaster in London, I cannot." I blushed slightly at her inference but I knew in his state there was no possibility of anything fun going on.

Goddamn it.

With a small effort, she and I levitated Severus into his bed. I stroked his hair once again before turning back to Minerva. She smiled at the sleeping form on the bed, and before leaving, she gently kissed his forehead in a motherly way. I smiled and wished Severus had even an inkling of how much people cared about him. I knew he'd never believe it, but I wished he was even vaguely aware of the fact. Even Harry had possessed a soft spot for the greasy git. Sniffling slightly, Minerva backed away, handing me the journal she'd pulled off his desk.

"Take good care of him. If he doesn't regain consciousness by tomorrow morning, send for me. Dobby will be within earshot at all times. And Hermione, you must not be seen here by the Headmaster. It is our good fortune that the Ministry is in need of him the next week." The pinched expression had again made itself at home on her face, and I was suddenly, for the first time in my life, suspicious of Albus Dumbledore.

"But why can't Dumbledore know?" Naive school girl until the end, aren't you 'Mione?

Nodding meaningfully toward the bed, Minerva spoke again.

"Let him answer that for you. He and Albus have unresolved issues." I was confused but nodded. "Oh, and Hermione- lock the door after I leave. There's something off about that elf- makes me nervous." I giggled as I followed her gaze to Severus' desk where Dobby was now slamming his hand in one of the drawers. But as my face faltered and tears fell again, Minerva gently embraced me.

"He'll be fine."

I tried to smile as she walked away, and I closed and locked the door behind her. For several minutes, I watched Severus, now sleeping peacefully and breathing deeply before crawling into bed next to him. He seemed to gravitate towards the heat of my body and kept moving closer. I smiled but stayed in a sitting position as I read each and every one of his letters to me.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. He wrote of everything in his letters to me- how the Headmaster had forced him out of my house with a warning not to seek me out. How it had killed him to be mean to me and how he had drowned himself in firewhiskey continuously for several weeks. The things he wanted to do to me. The things he wanted for the two of us. The things he had done to himself. As I read each entry I was alternately enraged at his self-pity and miserable at his torment. The poor man had lived such a horrible, miserable life, and from the letters, I knew that he felt I was the only thing that he truly needed to be happy. I knew him better after the hour I spent crying over his words than I had learned in the seven and a half years I had known him until now.

I understood him.

By the time I finished, I was exhausted, physically and emotionally, and my heart broke for him. I dried my eyes and extinguished all but one candle in the room. Snuggling down close to him, I lay on my side and faced him. I gently stroked his hair, tracing his profile, and smiled at him.

"I love you so much, Severus."

And, of course, he picked that moment to open his eyes.

He has such an incredible sense of timing, doesn't he?

*************A/N*****************
I was just joking about killing GrrArrg. Don't alert the authorities. At least not until I have time to hide the body...
Thank you:
JennD: Thanks! I really apologize for not updating sooner. My monitor exploded, so it's been a week of typing this out on the time and attendance computer at my store (which I'm not even supposed to know HAS word processing capabilities, but you know...). Hopefully next one will be quicker!
Louise: Thanks! I wish I could quit everything and write, but my desk chair does make my ass go numb after a while.... =) A fact I'm sure you know if you read this all in one sitting. You must have buns of steel! Hope you liked it- keep reading!

deblovesdragon: Yes, you are scary. And should I even stage a coup of the ff world, you shall be at my right hand. Thank you for your loyalty. It was a pretty kick-ass quote, though... Duh, why would I let Sev die? I wanted people to squirm, but you should know I love him to much to let him die. So hot....*drool* Anyways, what I'm trying to say is: Thanks!

GrrArrg: By the time you read this there will probably be four more chapters up, you *beep*ing *beep* *beep* *beep* biotch! Ooh, I hurt my back! Poor me! GET OVER IT! Some of us are dying to know what happens in you story, and back injury or not, we're gonna get violent if you don't update soon!
Anyway...
Did you get the Care Bears Get Well card I sent you?....
Really, get well soon! And not just so you can update the story.
So you can review mine, bitch! =)

Deb: As always, you rock. No, 'Mione's not pregnant, just a nutcase! But I'm glad I had you guessing! Hope you like thapteapter!

Spaz141: Thanks!

Shem: "Damn bloody comma WHORES"?!?!?! Whatever. If I didn't need your evil genius, I would kill you. Yup. You and GrrArrg in an unmarked grave.
Very violent today. Just watched "Underworld." May be the cause. Latent vampirism.

WendyNat: Thanks! Don't worry, Shem's evil has not rubbed off on me. I only internalize it and make it stronger! She'll be sorry... Oh yes, one day she'll be sorry..... *maniacal laughter*

Jessie: Thanks! I'm glad you're addicted! I am as well- we could form a support group!

wild child: thanks!

PinkTribeChick: Wow! You're first review! I'm honored! Thanks so much for everything! Can't believe you've read the whole thing in one sitting. Isn't your butt sore? Mine is and I've just typed the stupid thing!