It Was Only A Kiss!

Chapter Eleven



An owl arrived the next morning from James, Remus’ prediction of the previous day proving true as the short letter was filled with complaints about his mother being a slave driver for making him clean the attic out and how unfair it was that Sirius got out of having to do any work but still got invited to Christmas dinner along with Remus.



“…mum reckons she must like Sirius better than me…"



Remus chuckled as Sirius read from the parchment, a big smile on his face. The brunette breathed a sigh of relief and flopped onto the couch next to Remus.



‘You were right. It’s just a bad dose of flu.’ He looked at the werewolf and grinned gratefully. ‘You should offer yourself up to teach Divination next year, Moony! Reckon you give old Professor Celestia a run for her money.’



Remus laughed and made his voice soft and dreamy. ‘Yes, I have the gift of foresight. Let me free my inner eye and see what the future holds in store for you.’



He waved his hands gracefully in the air, managing to whack Sirius across the head, the brunette yelping, before he spoke.



‘Ah, yes. It is coming to me. The eye is clearing. I see your future…’



‘What do you see, Madam Moony?\' chuckled Sirius, rubbing at his forehead. \'Regulus coming down with dragon pox? Snivellus shampooing his hair?’



‘Mmm, no. Nothing that drastic but...oh, I can see love in your future, Mister Padfoot.’



Sirius snorted and Remus stifled his grin. ‘I see a blonde with enormous boobs and no personality offering her undying love and smokin’ hot body to you…’



‘Moony, you are such a…\'



‘Hi, Sirius!’



Remus chuckled as Sirius spun around to see Kelly standing behind him. She fluttered her eyelashes and sank onto the couch between the boys, forcing Remus to move over. He watched, smile gone now, as she put her hand high on Sirius‘ thigh, then swallowed hard to muffle a growl that came from deep inside as the girl leaned in and spoke in a breathy voice.



‘Hogsmeade weekend coming up after New Years. Care to come with me?’



Remus winced at the emphasis she put on the word and felt nausous when she winked lasciviously at Sirius. He could feel jealousy stirring darkly inside him, and decided to leave Sirius to deal with the girl before the wolf, whose hackles were already raised, tore the tart’s face off.



He stood up, glaring down at them. ‘I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone.’



Sirius\' face blanched and the burning jealousy inside Remus eased as he realised that the brunette didn\'t want to be left alone with Kelly. He almost laughed at Sirius’ panicked expression, irrationally pleased with the realisation. Sirius glared at him, his grey eyes flashing when he saw Remus’ mirth.



‘No need to run away, Remus!\' Sirius insisted, leaping to his feet. \'Sorry, Kelly, but I, um…I’m already going to Hogsmeade with Remus. I promised him you see. Poor thing couldn’t get a date…’



Remus grunted his dissatisfaction with Sirius\' explanation then said sweetly, ‘Oh, that’s fine, Sirius. I wouldn’t dream of depriving Kelly of your comp...ouch!’



Sirius\' foot had shot out and caught Remus in the ankle and making him hiss in pain. Sirius grabbed an annoyed Remus\' arm and yanked him close.



‘Oops, my foot slipped! Sorry, Moony. I‘d better help him up the stairs, Kelly. See you later, yeah?’



He tugged on Remus’ arm and pulled him towards the stairs.



~*~*~*



Bursting into the dorm, he threw himself on Remus’ bed with a laugh, the limping werewolf following, slamming the door shut behind him.



‘Bloody hell, Padfoot! Did you have to kick me so hard? That hurt.’



‘Oh, poor Moony,\' Sirius crooned, not looking at all sorry. \'Want Padfoot to kiss it better?’



He pursed his lips and made a kissing noise. Remus shoved his palm into Sirius\' face and pushed him out of the way before falling heavily onto the bed next to him. Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and stared down at the werewolf.



‘Serves you bloody right anyway. What were you thinking, leaving me with that blood sucker?’



‘Well, I was thinking of all the times you told us how much you enjoyed her sucking skills, actually. Thought you might like some time alone…’



‘You’re all heart, Moony.’



‘I think only of your best interests, Paddy.’



They lay in silence for a few moments then Sirius asked in an even tone,‘You think she’s got a good body?’



‘Who? Kelly?’



Sirius looked at him with a frown, irritated by Remus\' show of obtuseness and by the twinge of what felt suspiciously like jealousy in his gut.



‘No, McGonagall. Of course Kelly. You said "a blonde with enormous boobs and a smokin’ body" Do you really think that she\'s hot?.’



He watched Remus\' face nervously as the werewolf considered the question.



‘Well, yeah, I suppose,\' Remus answered finally. \'She’s not really my type, but I can see the attraction…\' He cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably. \'You’ve shagged her a few times. You must think she’s hot.’



‘Mmm,\' Sirius murmured, pleased that Remus didn\'t fancy Kelly. \'She\'s alright, I suppose.\'



Sirius shifted onto his side and slid his hand over Remus’ stomach, plucking absently at the buttons on the other boy\'s shirt. Kelly hitting on him today had made him aware of something slightly disturbing: he hadn’t had a date in weeks; hadn’t had a shag in even longer...not since that night with Kelly where all he had done was think about Remus.



He frowned. That had been...shit...two months ago! He hadn’t gone so long without sex since he’d lost his virginity at the end of Fifth Year.



‘It’s not like I’ve been abstinent.’



This errant thought only served to deepen his frown. This thing with Remus was only ever supposed to be a little bit of relief when they couldn’t find a girl to help them out, but instead it seemed that it had become a substitute for being with a girl.



Sirius bit his lip. The problem was he liked being with Remus. Last night...Merlin, that had been something pretty amazing! His teeth sank harder into his bottom lip, the flesh stinging from the abuse. He wasn’t supposed to enjoy this thing with Remus so much, was he? It was never supposed to have gone that far and it was never supposed to be...



Gentle.



Sweet.



It was meant to be rough and hard and not so...fucking fantastic that he couldn‘t get those kisses - those deep, soul shaking kisses - out of his head.



\'We’re just experimenting. Boys experiment with each other. It’s ok.\'



But it didn’t feel like experimenting anymore. It felt like a habit, a routine, and that funny, squirming feeling he was starting to get in his stomach when he thought of Remus worried him. With a growing sense of panic, Sirius wondered if perhaps he should make a date with someone of the female persuasion pretty soon.



Like tonight.



\'I have to get laid by a girl and fast before I turn into a mincing queen.\'



He had another thought and shifted to peer up at his friend.



‘Remus?’



The werewolf jolted and Sirius realised he’d fallen asleep. ‘Sorry, Moony. Didn’t realise…’



‘S’ok. Just...didn\'t get much sleep last night. What’s wrong?’



Sirius flushed, recalling with incredibly arousing clarity exactly what had kept he and Remus awake last night. ‘You haven’t been out with a girl for ages.’



He felt the other boy tense, but his voice was relaxed when he responded. ‘No. No one’s asked me and there’s no one I want to ask.\'



There was a pause then he said cautiously,\'You haven’t gone out with anyone for a while either.’



‘No,\' Sirius said, stretching and concentrating on making his voice sound casual. \'I’m sick of all the birds here. Wish we could get some fresh meat.’



Remus chuckled softly. ‘There are plenty of very attractive young ladies at Hogwarts, Padfoot.’



‘Yeah, but they want to stay young ladies. Pure, innocent, unshagged-by-Sirius-Black young ladies.’



He rolled over, heaving himself on top of Remus who made a ‘oof’ noise.



‘Why do you think I was so horny last night, Moony?\' he teased. \'No sex.’



Remus stared at him with a frown and Sirius felt his stomach twist as he realised he should have kept his mouth shut. Remus had his \'we need to talk\' face on.



‘What?\' Sirius sighed and shook his head. \'Just spit it out, Moony.’



‘Sirius...maybe we went a bit too far last night,\'the werewolf said hesitantly. \'I mean, we were only supposed to...muck around a bit...’



‘We only mucked around a bit last night.’



‘We…it was different,\' Remus insisted. \'We…’



‘…jerked each other off?’Sirius said with a roll of his hips.



‘Shit, Sirius.’



An irritated Remus pushed Sirius off him and sat up, feeling his body react to both the reminder of what they’d done last night and the feel of Sirius pressing up against him. The Animagus was tossed off the bed by the force of the thrust, and he swore loudly, pullig himself to his feet and glaring at Remus as he sat back down on the bed.



‘Moony, I didn’t force you to do it.’



‘I never said you did,\' Remus bit back, his voice rising a little. \'I wanted to do it too. But...well, maybe that’s a problem in itself; that we even wanted to do it.’



‘It’s only helping each other out!’ Sirius glared at Remus, face reddening. ‘And I seem to recall you enjoying it.’



He smirked then ran his hand up Remus’ leg, cupping his half-hard cock. ‘And you want to do it again or is that a result of admiring Kelly’s smokin’ body?’



Remus tried to push Sirius\' hand away. ‘I told you she’s not my type.’



‘She’s everyone’s type.’



‘Not mine.’



‘You’re a red blooded bloke, Moony…’



‘I don’t fancy her, Sirius,\' Remus snapped. \'She...is a she.’



Sirius was silent, his hand still resting on Remus’ bulge when the werewolf said uncertainly,

‘I think I’m gay.’



Sirius’ hand immediately moved off the other boy\'s groin and he stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets moodily.



‘You’re not gay, Remus.’



\'We wanked each other off, Sirius,\' Remus reminded him. \'We might be gay...\'



Sirius rounded on the werewolf, his face fierce. \'I am not a poof! And neither are you.\'



Remus was quiet for a moment, then asked softly, ‘How can you be so sure?’



Sirius\' face lost its ferocity and he shook his head. ‘I’ve shagged girls, Remus. You’ve shagged girls. Poofs don’t like shagging girls.’



Remus still looked sceptical. Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow.



‘Do you want to fuck me?’



Remus’ eyes widened and he squeaked, ‘What?’



‘Do you want me to put my dick in your arse?’ Sirius articulated very slowly and clearly, his face reddening.



Remus swallowed hard and tried to avoid answering. ‘I…I...just...don’t…’



Before he could stammer out any kind of coherent reply, Sirius broke in, grabbing hold of the stammered words and pushing aside the fact his own fantasies heavily involved Remus and some kind of shagging.



‘See! You said you don\'t so you aren’t gay. If you wanted to shag boys, then, fine, maybe you’re a ponce, but you don’t want to shag me. You just want to get off when you’re horny and it’s better when someone helps you out.’



Remus seemed to be considering this with a worried frown and Sirius sighed, sitting down again.



‘Moony, do you want to stop? We don’t have to do this, you know.’



‘I…I don’t want to stop.’ Remus looked over at Sirius with no small amount of alarm. ‘Do you?’



Sirius shook his head. ‘I...like it. I just...I don’t want you thinking we’re gay just because we do this.’



‘Sirius…’



‘Remus, please? I don’t want to hear about it. This is...experimenting, having a laugh. We aren’t screwing each other, we aren’t dating or anything. Ergo, we aren’t gay.’



His voice had risen and Remus held up his hands in surrender, seeing that the conversation was disintegrating fast.



‘Fine. We aren’t gay. Satisfied?’



Sirius nodded and smiled, standing up again. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, Mister Moony. I have a young lady who wants me bad just sitting in the common room and going to waste.’



Remus rolled his eyes and reached for a book to hide any signs of distress on his face. Sirius had just made it clear that whatever went on between them was nocturnal and secondary to getting shagged by slutty Seventh Year girls, and that was fine with Remus. He didn\'t care what Sirius got up to, and to show just how much he didn\'t care, he called blithely after him:



‘Have fun, Padfoot.’



Sirius waved and trotted down the stairs, trying desperately to rid himself of the seeds of doubt Remus had planted.



\'We’ll see who’s gay.\'



He saw Kelly in the corner and went directly to her, whispering in her ear that he was horny and did she know anyone that could help with his problem? She was out of her seat in an instant and linked her arm with his, making certain everyone saw them leaving together. Sirius took her to the nearest classroom; the lingering effects of Remus\' body pressing against his had made him unbearably randy and he needed to bury himself in something warm, something hot, something female.



He grabbed Kelly as soon as he locked the door, kissing her hard and fast. His hands went immediately to her arse, tugging up her skirt and squeezing the ample flesh there. She moaned into his mouth and he grunted, the high pitch of the noise irritating him a little. He shoved her roughly towards a desk, but when she went to slide herself up on it, he shook his head.



‘No, turn around and bend over it.’



She grinned wickedly and he tried to smile, but all he could think was that he didn’t want to see her face, hear that voice in his ear while he fucked her. She did as he asked and he stripped her knickers down her legs, kicking them apart roughly. His haste seemed to turn her on which was fine by him. He only gave her cursory attention before he tore open his fly and thrust himself inside her, filling her in one plunge.



Kelly cried out, her body tightening around his immediately.



‘Thank fucking Merlin.’



He didn’t think he could last too long; he was already on edge, already too aroused by that bastard Remus and his angles and flat planes and hardness...



\'Shit!



He closed his eyes tight as he pounded inside Kelly unrestrainedly, trying to keep his mind clear and not allow a blue eyed werewolf to take over his thoughts, but it was hopeless. He remembered last night - their kisses, the way Remus touched him, the look on the other boy\'s face as he came and the explosion inside his own body as he climaxed just a second later, unable to hold back any longer at the sight of Remus\' gratification.



‘Shit! Fuck, yes!\'



Kelly was moaning as she finished, but he really didn’t care if she had been with him or not - he couldn’t stop the flood of heat and pleasure that melted everything inside him as he came hard. He groaned his release harshly as he slammed into the body underneath him one last time.



~*~*~



He went for a walk through the snowy grounds after he shook the clinging Kelly off, stopping by the Great Lake and sitting on the stony shore where Remus had held his hand just yesterday. Sirius worried his lip as he counted his regrets for the night. He wished he\'d handled things differently with Remus earlier, wished he\'d never gone off and screwed Kelly, wished that he actually believed his own insistance that he wasn\'t gay.



Even the in denial Sirius had to admit that imagining a bloke while he was fucking the very attractive Kelly through the desk did not bode well for his argument that he was straight. If he and Remus were just fooling around, why did he need to think of what they did to get off with a bird? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn\'t he be imagining Remus was a girl to be able to come when they were together?



He rubbed his temples, clenching his eyes shut.



‘Fuck.’



He didn’t really care about other people being poofs. Whatever floated their boat, live and let live and all that, but for him, homosexual just wasn’t an option.



He sighed, picking up a handful of stones, tossing them one by one onto the frozen lake, watching them skid across the glassy surface as he realised that no matter how far away he got from his family, he couldn’t completely erase their influence. He could hear his mother\'s voice so clearly, he would swear she was right next to him.



"You are the eldest Black. It is your job to marry well and provide heirs to carry on the most Noble House of Black. Now you start behaving in the way we expect of you; the way a Black is expected to behave."



His parents wanted the Black name to continue and that was more important than anything he got up to. That was the only reason they hadn’t immediately disinherited him when he was sorted into Gryffindor, when they got owl after owl about his detentions, when they found out he was friends with half-bloods and Mudbloods, when he had that screaming fight with them last year and left home.



They wanted what he could provide them.



An heir.



The continuation of his line.



Sirius wrapped his arms around his chest. Being gay, even bisexual, would bring shame to the Noble House of Black and the former would put paid to any chance Sirius had of fulfilling his parent’s wishes to sire an heir. If they found out what he was doing with Remus, it would be the last straw. They would cut him off, disown him, and the privileges and attention that came from being a Black would end.



He scrubbed at his cold face. He knew it was shallow, he knew it was pathetic, but he didn’t want to give up the one thing that made others want to be around him. His parents had never been demonstrative, had never given him any indication that they liked him, let alone loved him unconditionally as a parent should. For eleven years, he was surrounded by coldness, darkness; for eleven years, he believed he was unlikable, unlovable.



Then he came to Hogwarts and every time he introduced himself to staff or peer, their eyes would widen and their manner would become more respectful. They would engage him in conversation rather than ignore him as they did the other first years...



Hell, even James’ attitude towards him was casual until he realised he was one of "those Blacks". Peter had been in awe when they’d met, speechless for several minutes and only able to produce a stutter around him for weeks afterwards. Remus was the only one who’d seemed unaffected - just shaking his hand over the platter of chicken at the Welcoming Feast and saying it was nice to meet him. The werewolf later revealed to an astonished James that he’d never heard of the Black family and had said in a slightly mocking tone: “should I have bowed or something“?



His family had left a powerful legacy in their wake at Hogwarts. Many people sought him out because of his name; others may not have liked him, or what his family stood for, but they certainly treated him differently - more respectfully, deferentially. When he was younger, he\'d lapped it up eagerly, and even now, ashamed of what his family was, he had to admit that he still enjoyed it, still wanted the attention, the grudging respect.



He wanted to feel wanted.



Because I don’t know who would love me, who would want me, if I wasn’t a Black.



A little voice inside his head responded with one word - Remus - but he pushed it aside. Remus was the problem. Remus was making him think things, feel things that he hadn’t before and Remus was going to get him disowned because of it.



And if his parents disowned him, if he was no longer one of those Blacks, he was afraid he\'d be unlovable again.



‘It has to stop. We can’t do it anymore.\'



His muttered words made his chest hurt, but he took that as a sign that he should have stopped this a long time ago - before it had ever gotten as far and as intense as it had last night.



‘It has to stop because I can’t be gay. I just can’t.’



TBC...