Life and Its Mysteries

Chapter 12



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My Petal,



I know that it has been 2 years… 2 very long years. It is very difficult for me to write this letter, but I cannot face you, for I don’t have the courage to do so. I just want to be fair and truthful to you, otherwise, it won’t be fair. I can only hope that you actually continue reading this.



Breaking up with you was something that I felt like I had to do. I had to push you away. If we continued, I was afraid that you would regret that there even was an ‘us.’ But, there is something in my past that you should know.



Before you and I… One night, in one of the bars in Knockturn Alley, I was very drunk and alone. Apparently, there was also a single lady that was in the same position. We talked, which then led to sex in some motel. I can barely remember that night, but things were different in the morning.



When she woke up, she looked at me in horror. She knew who I was, since there were rumors about me being a deatheater and a follower of Voldemort. Obviosuly, there were reasons why I couldn’t tell her I was a double spy. She looked disgusted and frightened all at once. The alcohol really did cloud her judgment. She ran off from the room, not wanting to speak with me anymore. I never even knew her name.



Months later, I received a letter from her. She asked me to meet with her and I did. To my surprise, she was pregnant and said that it was mine. She said she wanted to keep it. So… I told her I would support the child in all ways, accepting the fact that I was its father. I also told her that I would care for her if she needed anything else. Leaving the woman on her own, was something I couldn’t do.



The look on her face that day was very similar to the morning that I saw her. I knew that she was frightened of me and still disgusted. Again, she never told me her name, and walked away.



It hit me at that time. I had more important responsibilities coming. I was going to be a father. It was something that I never expected or planned. And, I had no feelings for the woman, nor did she have any for me except hate. I expected to hear and see her again sooner, but no.



Time had passed again until I received another letter from her… It was more like a suicide note.



She killed herself. The thought of her carrying my child—the child of a deatheater, it was something she couldn’t take. She may have gotten an abortion, but she was even so disturbed by the thought that she slept with me. It was to say, the worst thing that she had ever done in her life. She couldn’t live with it.



Alex was her name… and that is all I knew of her. She was 7 months along.



Honestly, her suicide hurt me more than I had expected. She has been a secret that I had kept. Not even Albus or Lucius knew of her.



I am a dark man. My past, and my life was never picture perfect. I had an abusive father when I grew up. A broken family. No friends had no friends in school. I became a deatheater by choice along with Lucius. Later on, Albus asked us to become spies for him. I was attracted to the dark, and even up to now, I still am. Darkness will probably be with me all my life.



However, things changed for me when you came into my life. You became my light so to speak. I couldn’t believe how someone such as yourself could love me. Everyday, I asked myself, ‘What had I done to deserve you?’



Everything I said that night was a lie…



I shared your dreams. Dreams that I never imagined before. Being married to each other, starting a family, and spending the rest of my life with you. I love it when you call me ‘Sev.’ I can’t get enough of you against me, cuddling and snuggling. When it comes to solitude, I want you and need you there with me.



Most of all… I love you. I still do. Always have, and always will. I never stopped loving you.



Alex though, remains as a haunting memory to me. I still feel the pain. It frightened me that one day, you would feel the same way about me. One day, you might regret it all.



The fear of it… your rejection, was and still is the thing I fear most. I gave myself whole heartedly to you. If things turned out the way I had imagined—my nightmares turning into reality, I do not think I can handle it. I had to break your heart before you even broke mine. In ways, you may think me selfish I know. Breaking up with you and letting you go may have been the biggest mistake in my life, but I had to do it.



Now, time has passed. I have come up with enough courage to tell you the truth. Things have not changed for me. My feelings for you have become stronger. I want, need and love you more than before.



And you… I can only imagine you being happy. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were involved with someone else. Surely, he is a better man than I. If he makes you happy Hermione, then stay with him. I want you back, yes, but he can make you happier, that I know. He can even love you more.



I am not asking you to give me and us a second chance. Forgiveness is what I am asking from you. If not, then understanding why I did what I did.



But, if you still want me in your life and love me… then I would be more than happy. I cannot promise to give you the world, but I can try. Our dreams that we shared together, I will try to make them a reality for that is all that I can do to prove myself to you.



Like I said though, if there is someone else, then, forget about me. I cannot give you what he can.



I want you to be happy and wish you all the best. You will always remain in my heart, and be the only light in my darkness.



I love you.



Always,



Your Sev



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Many teardrops from Hermione’s eyes had fallen onto the letter, slightly smearing its ink. Hermione didn’t know when she started crying, but she did. She clutched the letter to her chest, starting to shake as she sobbed hard. She was in shock, and saddened. Now, she knew why, and fully understood Severus’s reasons.



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AN – I’m a sobbing wreck now… Review…